Confused by what the doctor keeps saying...

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This whole thread has been very interesting to read - lots of good responses and advice.

DW Mom - wow, your post above was amazing! Can you be my new best friend?! Seriously, you covered it all and it sounds like your son is a happy successful young man.

Dadenstein - you've already gotten such great advice here. My daughter was diagnosed young too, and I remember well confusion over what we should do. It seemed like everyone we met had different and often conflicting opinions. This included some professionals who told me how lucky I was that my child had only mild ASD to others who were giving me worst case scenarios. Friends who were understanding and supportive to others who acted like I was making the whole thing up - I seriously lost frienships.

We went through periods where we tried certain therapies (my daughter had dysgraphia and could not hold a pencil properly) including occupational therapy and speech, a social skills group, etc. I think in the beginning we just tried everything. Then we've had long stretches of time with no therapy whatsoever, where my daughter has continued to mature and do well.

I guess I would say as your child changes, what they need changes too. Some things that might be great for your son now, might be unnecessary in a few years. I think you can stress yourself out trying to predict your child's future, and then they may surprise you and completely go in a different direction.

You obviously love your son very much. That he has such an involved, caring parent, who is actively seeking out information to help and support him is already a huge plus for him!

I wish your family the best of luck!

The gross motor things are interesting, because I had bad gross motor at your sons age falling over for no obvious reason so often, while an expert at sliding on ice patches, and this is really something that I grew out of without any intervention, I think I was out of it by the time I learned to ride a bike at age nine in ten minutes, and now my gross motor is fine, but I still tend to crash into things when not paying attention.

A slight shift in question here...the more I think about it the more I realize that a certain percentage of "bad behavior" for my son IS indeed him trying to get attention or do something to engage attention. I mean, if he does something he knows I don't like (for example chewing with his mouth open for me to see) and then looks with almost glee for my displeasure he is definitely in control of what he is doing...even if he thinks what is going on is something different (meaning he thinks the exchange is good, at least from his POV).

I have a different thought for you to consider. One thing some ASD kids will do is try to figure out how solid rules are. As all children do. But be careful with that: if they get the idea that enforcement is only "sometimes," they might integrate that too deeply as "the world is confusing and doesn't follow its own rules." Pick your rules and battles and comments very carefully, because it is really important to be consistent. REALLY important.

You don't have to punish things, you just have to be consistent in your statement and requests. Calmly reminding your son when you see his mouth open while chewing lets him know that you did see it and you are just as bothered by it today as you were yesterday. There can be a lot of comfort for young children in having it reinforced to them that a rule they think they understand, they actually do understand; and that what bothered a parent yesterday, still bothers him today.

The comfort element is definitely something to consider, btw. We've seen it a lot on these boards, kids who break less important rules basically to get that feedback that lets them know something in their lives is, actually, predictable. While it is frustrating to you, try not to see it as a bad thing, but as a part of developing an understanding of the world. Yes stay calm and consistent in your response, no matter how repetitive it gets. And let yourself chuckle inside, because you can and will be more stubborn than he is

My son will do things for attention, sometimes. I have asked why and he said b/c it is silly or funny. I don't know if he is trying to get me to laugh, or if he is running a science experiment to see what my reaction will be. At the moment it is silly potty language songs and that kind of thing, so it is not too bad.

Whenever I have suspected the issue was a social science experiment, the best thing was to modulate my response to be very boring and be very consistent about it.

Think of a toddler constantly pouring food on the floor for a reaction. We just put a cheap, plastic, picnic table cover down on the floor and then it was easy to clean up. He didn't get a rise out of me, and it eventually stopped.

I have found this approach to be applicable sometimes even at the age of 8.

I know that even when he is not creating an experiment, he will ask me if I am angry or whatever. I do think some of it is trying to figure people out.

You have to be careful not to see the behavior where it isn't, though. There are many times when people would assume that was what he was doing, and it was darn clear to me that he wasn't.

This actually makes sense to me. The idea of him testing it out, the rules, to see what he can get away with. Every day the school says how well behaved he is, but a few months ago apparently he was testing them (by of all things getting other students to misbehave and paint each other or go to the wrong table for snacks or something) but one timeout in the "red chair" (red means stop!) put a cease and desist on it. I mention it because, although he would definitely not want to do certain things at home (go to bed, brush his teeth, pick up toys, etc) he didn't misbehave like he seems to be now. It really does seem like he is trying to get some reaction from me (by showing his food in his mouth to me, or sticking his tongue out at me etc.) but it makes equal sense that the reason he is looking for that reaction is to see how firm the rules are.

This happens too, but be careful as if you think he is checking whether the rule is firm, you're likely going to be frustrated when you are consistent if the problem continues. Sometimes when kids are confused by the world and trying to sort out what social signals mean, they will do repetitively annoying things. And staying calm and consistent can help him get the practice he needs in a way he can understand with no verbals as well as with the rules.

You don't want to interrupt the specific behavior too much if say chewing with his mouth open can be an opportunity to understand when does he need to stop, when does he need to stop NOW, and when can he get away with what he wants, he needs a LOT of practice to begin to understand these concepts, and minor misbehavior provides that practice. Frustrating as it is to go through.