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guzzle
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08 Mar 2014, 11:11 pm

Will I ever stop being angry at the world. Why can't I just accept things as they are. Why do I have this need to be in control. It is stronger than me. It will kill me at this rate...



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09 Mar 2014, 12:16 am

How many "perfectly normal" people out there go through their lives angry and controlling, never even being able to acknowledge even the slightest possibility that they have problems?

I know some. I believe myself to be pretty controlling and often angry at myself and the world, particularly when depressed. Perhaps it's not the healthiest technique to compare yourself to others, but that's what i did recently. I started looking at anyone older than me who may be angry or short tempered and asked myself, 'are they at least aware of just how angry and miserable they are?" I believe there are some people out there who are simply that far removed, that they are not. They cannot and will not ever change on their present pathways, because being angry is something they have accepted as a permanent part of their identity.

When you post a fear about yourself and the way you feel and behave, does that not count for something surely? Are we not too hard on ourselves, fearing our own self judgement because we absolutely HAVE to fit the set of morals we have planned out for ourselves and if we do not meet these moral perfectly, we are hypocrites? Come on! That IS being harsh, especially for anyone struggling day to day with depression.

I think anger at the self can be a great catalyst for change. Idk... Waffles.



rocknrollslc
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09 Mar 2014, 1:58 am

Yes, I sympathize... not sure I really know how to help... I just keep telling myself that I don't live in a bubble.... I'm poking some holes in my bubble, so I'm gonna poke some holes in your's now *poke* :)



guzzle
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09 Mar 2014, 9:28 am

Thanks for the feedback people 8)

It's appreciated, it helps to know at least someone can relate.



Ann2011
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09 Mar 2014, 9:35 am

guzzle wrote:
Will I ever stop being angry at the world. Why can't I just accept things as they are. Why do I have this need to be in control. It is stronger than me. It will kill me at this rate...

I feel this way too. I've found that just focusing on what I can control helps. The only impact one can have on the world is with one's own behaviour and interactions. The rest is better let go.


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rocknrollslc
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09 Mar 2014, 1:40 pm

guzzle wrote:
Thanks for the feedback people 8)

It's appreciated, it helps to know at least someone can relate.


You're welcome!



guzzle
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11 Mar 2014, 7:29 pm

Ann2011 wrote:
I feel this way too. I've found that just focusing on what I can control helps. The only impact one can have on the world is with one's own behaviour and interactions. The rest is better let go.


Wanna check on my dilemma in the parenting section? :arrow: (pretty please :? )



ehymw
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11 Mar 2014, 7:49 pm

guzzle wrote:
Will I ever stop being angry at the world. Why can't I just accept things as they are. Why do I have this need to be in control. It is stronger than me. It will kill me at this rate...


Yep.

It's more pathetic in guys.



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11 Mar 2014, 10:13 pm

yeah,am diagnosed with lifelong severe reactive attachment disorder though wasnt diagnosed until past mid twenties.

its a condition that affects babies/toddlers who have mostly been living in care as they get passed around without being able to understand the concept of attachments in the earliest years.
for self,had not been in care as a baby/toddler but at that age didnt have a normal family life to learn attachment; suffered from neglect,detachment and resentment from parents because that is how society,their hardcore irish catholic religeon and doctors taught them;they were made to be ashamed of themselves and a daughter who was to the family;the devil incarnate.

it didnt become known until after mid twenties because the total disconnect with humans and the inability to request help even to the point of endangering own life had always been blamed on the autism,it wasnt until being moved around from residential home to residential home and the absolute regression in challenging behavior as a result became clear to them there was something else ontop of the autism and ID.


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12 Mar 2014, 7:23 pm

KingdomOfRats wrote:
it didnt become known until after mid twenties because the total disconnect with humans and the inability to request help even to the point of endangering own life had always been blamed on the autism,it wasnt until being moved around from residential home to residential home and the absolute regression in challenging behavior as a result became clear to them there was something else ontop of the autism and ID.


Same applies to me.
For example I was with a broken leg and was not able to request help until two days later my room-mate found me.
And in childhood with illness and was unable to tell the pains and stuff.
Could you improve on requesting help?
I am sometimes able to, but it takes a lot of effort and only to selected people (therapists), never tell family.


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guzzle
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13 Mar 2014, 10:43 am

Been told I'm never gonna get a diagnosis and neither is it something I have a need for. Was tested for AS recently and what came out that I was not AS. Beyond that I am actually DSM-free apart from that I have traits of borderline. But when I ask them what the difference between depressed and fed up is they got no answser. Oh, and all my problems stem from my 'attachement issues'. They seem to be amazed as to how well I know and understand myself and even went as far as telling me that residential psychiatric care would offer me no therapeutic benefits. As if I didn't know that either :roll:
My primary carer died when I was 3. I don't remember any of it.
The story is that my mother came home from work and nannie was dead in her chair and I was sitting on her lap.
Not sure which is worse, an Irish or a Belgian catholic but my mother was the latter. It was never spoken of and I spent most of my childhood asking questions. I stole a picture out of the family album of an older lady when I was around 10 and treasured it. My mother found out when i was in my teens and laid right in to me. Turned out it was one of the few pictures of her own mother (who had been my primary carer). I had stolen the picture because the person in the picture was the same person that has always been there in my mind as I grew up. She was the voice that always used to tell me that everything would work allright in the end. And it sort of did. I had to ask questions for best part of another 25 years before my mother in a fit of anger at me for still asking questions told me what had happened. That was many years ago. I have stopped asking questions.
The anger never goes away though. I have no desire to connect with society as a whole, people are too fickle.
I'm getting a second opinion on the AS but only cause it is subsidized and it won't cost me. The last one did. It will be interesting to compare test results if nothiing else. Waiting list is two years though.
Life sometimes feels like a bumper sticker.

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guzzle
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14 Mar 2014, 6:35 am

SMC wrote:
Waffles.


I love waffles 8)

Seriously though, you have picked up on something that I have never given a second thought. Not for a long time anyway. It would not have made a difference in this case as it involved a jobsworth but in the great scheme of things it definitly is something to bear in mind. Cheers :D



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14 Mar 2014, 6:49 am

I think can learn to ask for and accept help if enough good is offered. Even then it's painful and it's hard. It takes a lot of good being offered, though. For quite a long time.

Being angry that no one is there, and you know something is missing that seems to be out there for others, is a very hard. There is not an easy path out of that. It doesn't seem right they say you are DSM free, as you sound like you are suffering a lot. And being DSM free means you get no help I would imagine.

Sometimes people do take descriptions of emotional pain as academic rather than genuine suffering when the emotions seem blunted or unreal, I have certainly had people do this. I think because I learned to display emotion under instructions of kind adults that this is best to make an effort at. But the fact that I'm very transparently displaying emotions on my face after a slight delay, have to have a split second, especially when I'm upset, of trying to show emotions I feel with facial expression, creates apparently a sense of something being off in the person watching. And it seems they assume from this that I'm not genuinely upset, and am pretending something I don't feel to generate drama or some such that they don't want to be drawn into. Just because of the expression being a bit delayed, that it feels contrived to them, when better to describe as thoughtful. Because of the adults explaining g to me when I was young to do this. Pretty circular, but there it is.

I hope you can find some help, I hope you can feel better.



guzzle
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14 Mar 2014, 8:08 am

Waterfalls wrote:
It doesn't seem right they say you are DSM free, as you sound like you are suffering a lot. And being DSM free means you get no help I would imagine.


It feels bloody good actually. Been 38 years they have tried to stick a label on me. My mother exposed me to psychiatry at the age of 10. Spent 6 months residential to be released and go back to school as if nothing had ever happened. Life was never gonna be normal after that experience.
A few shrinks have told me I am too clever for my own good, I've never known wether to take that as an insult or a compliment. Once I unsettled a psychologist to the point she told me it was her prerogative not to see me again. Which reminds me of the time I got sectioned. Was living in Holland at the time so it was kind of legal to smoke your brains out. I went too far though. Walked many miles for weeks. Felt a bit like I was doing my own version of The Long Walk but then at one point Neptune came out of the water behind A'dam CS complete with trident in hand and gave me the biggest bollocking I had ever had. :lol: I can laugh about it nw but at the time I took it very serious.
Anyway, got sectioned shortly after that, my neighbour worked in mental health and she thought I would do my self an accident. Long story short ended in isolation over disobeying their order not to smoke after 10pm. It was actually nothing to do with the smoking but everything with the fact that I had made their life hell ever since being admitted. I was in isolation when my sectioning expired and they told me they had no grounds to extend the sectioningso the only way I could stay was to admit myself but I would stay in isolation and I would have to 'earn' all the rest. I told them to sod that for a game of soldiers and I was released on the spot. When I am wrong I will admit it but when I am right I consider it my prerogative to get the blood from under your nails if you insist I am wrong.

Help is relative. Most of those in the 'helping' field are so dogmatically stuck in their theories there is, as far as I'm concerned, no reasoning with them. They say the same of me though :roll:
My motto is that there are too many in the caring professions that are only capable of caring on their own terms. And every new encounter I have with them proves my point.
Not gonna make this an essay on the merits of alternative healing systems but it is a fact that the Chinese and Indian civilisations managed to carry on for thousands of years without as much as one aspirine.
And I sort of have ended up with, when it comes to medicine and psychology, and taoist mindset.
Suffering is relative too though. Emotions were a taboo in my upbringing. My mother never gives my DD a cuddle, I can't expect her to change now, she is 70. DD gets her cuddles of me and mr guzzle..
What matters to me is that I broke the circle. And waffle like this helps me to pick up the ends again



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14 Mar 2014, 1:34 pm

Probably, I have a great deal of trouble opening up to people and even asking for help, even from my parents who are very supportive. Might be a lack of assertiveness in my case too.



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14 Mar 2014, 3:04 pm

What are you looking for Guzzzle?