Problems with a selfish boyfriend

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nick007
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11 Mar 2014, 12:54 pm

@ Boo & Tequila. I think it's a problem with communication. Some women aren't straightforward & direct like us Aspies are or as much as typical NT guys are. They use other methods to convey communication like body language, facial expressions, tone of voice ect & us Aspies or guys in general sometimes are too dense to pick up on all that. Perhaps those women don't want to be straightforward & upfront about what they want because they feel guilty or like they're being demanding when they are.


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League_Girl
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11 Mar 2014, 5:24 pm

I don't get the chocolate bar thing. If she wanted some, she should have helped herself to one. Not get all pissy about it. She never wanted any. She should have told you she wanted a certain piece.


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cubedemon6073
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11 Mar 2014, 5:38 pm

League_Girl wrote:
I don't get the chocolate bar thing. If she wanted some, she should have helped herself to one. Not get all pissy about it. She never wanted any. She should have told you she wanted a certain piece.


Thank You!



Sailor_Mercury
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11 Mar 2014, 6:59 pm

Ok so we did talk about this and we've come up with a solution. He thinks that me telling upfront what I want and what I expect from him will help a lot. Our latest spat was because he promised me that we'd have a night all about me, since most times we are together we do what he wants to do. But instead of doing what I wanted to do was not what we did. Instead we watched college basketball, which is what he wanted. I was upset because I couldn't believe he promised me I could pick what we did that night and never asked me what I wanted to do, he just switched the tv to what he wanted.
So we decided when we do have nights that are "all about me" I need to tell him ahead of time what I want to do and be very specific. If I say watch a movie he'll pick out a movie he wants to watch. I need to tell him "I want to watch a movie tonight, specifically....."



leafplant
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11 Mar 2014, 7:24 pm

Sailor_Mercury wrote:
Ok so we did talk about this and we've come up with a solution. He thinks that me telling upfront what I want and what I expect from him will help a lot. Our latest spat was because he promised me that we'd have a night all about me, since most times we are together we do what he wants to do. But instead of doing what I wanted to do was not what we did. Instead we watched college basketball, which is what he wanted. I was upset because I couldn't believe he promised me I could pick what we did that night and never asked me what I wanted to do, he just switched the tv to what he wanted.
So we decided when we do have nights that are "all about me" I need to tell him ahead of time what I want to do and be very specific. If I say watch a movie he'll pick out a movie he wants to watch. I need to tell him "I want to watch a movie tonight, specifically....."


Ummm, he is being a dick. Aspergers or Autism does not mean one cannot be a dick. See, if his autism was the real issue he wouldn't actually be able to cope with you days at all or he would need a lot of notice ahead of time or it would have to become a routine or something. As it is, the above just sounds like a young guy getting away with being selfish.


PS. I am not sure why you are unable to be more assertive anyway, i.e. take away the controller and say, we agreed that it is my turn to choose and I want to watch ... It really irritates me when women sit around waiting for others to remember to ask them what they want to do/if they want something, it just promotes the idea of women being useless and weak. Assert yourself!



Last edited by leafplant on 11 Mar 2014, 7:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Vectorspace
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11 Mar 2014, 7:49 pm

Sailor_Mercury wrote:
Ok so we did talk about this and we've come up with a solution. He thinks that me telling upfront what I want and what I expect from him will help a lot. Our latest spat was because he promised me that we'd have a night all about me, since most times we are together we do what he wants to do. But instead of doing what I wanted to do was not what we did. Instead we watched college basketball, which is what he wanted. I was upset because I couldn't believe he promised me I could pick what we did that night and never asked me what I wanted to do, he just switched the tv to what he wanted.

Did he turn on the TV and picked the program he wanted, or did you turn it on and he switched afterwards?

In the former case, if this occurs again, just grab the remote yourself. I can't tell from here what he was thinking, but maybe that's what he was waiting for and he didn't understand he was expected to ask you (though I think an adult Aspie should have that kind of understanding). Well, if the second case applies, I agree he was being a dick, which is unrelated to Asperger's...



Sailor_Mercury
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12 Mar 2014, 9:36 am

Vectorspace,
He just turned on the TV and picked what he wanted.



Schneekugel
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12 Mar 2014, 10:06 am

Sailor_Mercury wrote:
Vectorspace,
He just turned on the TV and picked what he wanted.


If he picks something you dont like, I´d tell him: "Thats boring, I dont want to see that."



nick007
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12 Mar 2014, 2:11 pm

Unfortunately you may have to be very upfront & direct with him about anything you want within you r relationship or spending time with him & if your not prepared to handle that it may be better to end it now.


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Oh, you can't help that, said the Cat: we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
How do you know I'm mad? said Alice.
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12 Mar 2014, 4:49 pm

Schneekugel wrote:
Sailor_Mercury wrote:
Vectorspace,
He just turned on the TV and picked what he wanted.


If he picks something you dont like, I´d tell him: "Thats boring, I dont want to see that."


that would have helped me with the one girl instead of her resenting it later. It seems I picked something she didn't wnat and maybe it looked like I was picking something for just me, but in reality I had tried to pick something I thought she and I would both like. this after asking and being told you pick.

leafplant
I kinda agree, I think it also goes with the society ideal that the man is suppose to pick and decide everything, I'm not programed that Way. But most expect me to pick the date location, pick the movie, pick the food. Why can't the woman do this or at least give input. I'd prefer either her deciding or deciding together.



nick007
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12 Mar 2014, 7:04 pm

sly279 wrote:
Schneekugel wrote:
Sailor_Mercury wrote:
Vectorspace,
He just turned on the TV and picked what he wanted.


If he picks something you dont like, I´d tell him: "Thats boring, I dont want to see that."


that would have helped me with the one girl instead of her resenting it later. It seems I picked something she didn't wnat and maybe it looked like I was picking something for just me, but in reality I had tried to pick something I thought she and I would both like. this after asking and being told you pick.

leafplant
I kinda agree, I think it also goes with the society ideal that the man is suppose to pick and decide everything, I'm not programed that Way. But most expect me to pick the date location, pick the movie, pick the food. Why can't the woman do this or at least give input. I'd prefer either her deciding or deciding together.
I relate slightly sly but my situation is a little different. My girlfriend has a hard time making decisions & knowing what she wants due to anxiety & OCD stuff. I ask her alot to try & figure it out but she's just not sure sometimes so I have to decide. I try to figure out/guess what would be best for her & she never resents me for deciding but I feel guilty if the decision doesn't go well. I guess in a way we do make the decision together because we discuss em but I don't really have a preference either sometimes which makes deciding really difficult for both of us. We are both gradually getting better with it thou.


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But I don't want to go among mad people, Alice remarked.
Oh, you can't help that, said the Cat: we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
How do you know I'm mad? said Alice.
You must be, said the Cat, or you wouldn't have come here.


leafplant
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12 Mar 2014, 7:12 pm

sly279 wrote:
Schneekugel wrote:
Sailor_Mercury wrote:
Vectorspace,
He just turned on the TV and picked what he wanted.


If he picks something you dont like, I´d tell him: "Thats boring, I dont want to see that."


that would have helped me with the one girl instead of her resenting it later. It seems I picked something she didn't wnat and maybe it looked like I was picking something for just me, but in reality I had tried to pick something I thought she and I would both like. this after asking and being told you pick.

leafplant
I kinda agree, I think it also goes with the society ideal that the man is suppose to pick and decide everything, I'm not programed that Way. But most expect me to pick the date location, pick the movie, pick the food. Why can't the woman do this or at least give input. I'd prefer either her deciding or deciding together.


I really object to any expectation that is gender based. And God help any man who tried to pick and decide for me without asking first :roll:



Vectorspace
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13 Mar 2014, 11:17 am

Schneekugel wrote:
Sailor_Mercury wrote:
Vectorspace,
He just turned on the TV and picked what he wanted.

If he picks something you dont like, I´d tell him: "Thats boring, I dont want to see that."

Yes. Talk to him. Specify what you want.

"I'd like you to care more about my needs." is a difficult thing to understand for an Aspie because it's very unspecific. "Can we switch to a different TV program?" on the other hand is easy. If he refuses, you can still call him selfish.



B19
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13 Mar 2014, 10:10 pm

Sailor_Mercury wrote:
My boyfriend has Asperger's and he can be incredibly selfish. Not over the top, but after a year of never being asked what movie I want to watch, what kind of pizza I'd like to order, or how I'd like to spend our time together it's getting old. I've talked to him a few times that he needs to be less selfish, but little has changed. How can I ask him to be less selfish and remind him that a relationship is about two people?


The first thing to do is stop throwing the Selfish word at him. You won't solve any personal problem by negatively labelling the other person. They see you as a blaming and shaming, and care less what you think.

Approach it constructively: eg saying "Let's take turns choosing the pizza". Be consistent and stop dumping.