Page 1 of 2 [ 19 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

Mrrandomman
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 15 Mar 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 207
Location: I don't even know

16 Mar 2014, 8:03 pm

1) There once were three girls, A blond, a brunette, and a ginger. They saw the stairway to Heaven and sign next to it. The sign said " You may enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but you have to read every joke on every stair without laughing. If you laugh you have to wait until you die to come back." so each girl went up. At the 25th stair the ginger starts laughing her head off and leaves. At the 40th stair the brunette laughs and leaves. At the 199th stair the blond starts laughs and St Peter asked " Why did you laugh you were so close." and the blond says " I just figured out the joke on the 1st stair.


2) Did you know that Chuck Noris was originally on Street Fighter 2. The beta tester told the makers that there was a glitch. Chuck Noris only did a roundhouse kick in the face. The makers said it wasn't a glitch.

3) Chuck Noris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

4) Abe Lincoln may have freed the slaves but Chuck Noris is everyone's master.



Lillikoi
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Jul 2013
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 11,797
Location: The Mid-West-East-South.

16 Mar 2014, 8:40 pm

1.) Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin says,"Hi." What does the other muffin say?

"Oh my gosh, a talking muffin!"

2.) A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are hiding from the cops. The brunette and the redhead jump into some cat carriers, and the blonde crawls inside a potato sack. Suddenly, the policeman notices one of the cat carriers moving, so he runs up and shakes them. The brunette and the redhead go "MEOOW!", so the policeman backs off, thinking it's a cat, and keeps looking around the room. When he comes across the potato sack, the cop sees that it's moving and kicks it. In a panic, the blonde goes,"PO-TAAY-TOH!"


_________________
^
That guy is a dingus.


Mrrandomman
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 15 Mar 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 207
Location: I don't even know

16 Mar 2014, 8:48 pm

Thanks for replying tell other people about my posts if you can



CockneyRebel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2004
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,298
Location: Stalag 13

16 Mar 2014, 9:05 pm

I like the joke about the girls hiding from the cops. :lol:


_________________
Who wants to adopt a Sweet Pea?


lostonearth35
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jan 2010
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,790
Location: Lost on Earth, waddya think?

04 Jun 2015, 2:48 pm

Three old ladies who are all sisters live together in a big house. The oldest sister is 95, the middle sister is 90 and the youngest sister is 85. One day the oldest sister goes up the stairs to take a bath but when she is at the top she can't remember if she was going to take a bath or has already taken one, and she calls to the other two for help. The middle sister goes up the stairs but when she's halfway there she can't remember if she was going up the stairs or down it. The youngest sister has been watching all this while seated at the dining table. "Boy, I hope I won't as forgetful as you two when I get to your age, knock on wood." She says as she raps on the wooden table with her knuckles. Then she gets up and tells them, "I'll come up and help you out as soon as I see who's at the door!"



lostonearth35
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jan 2010
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,790
Location: Lost on Earth, waddya think?

04 Jun 2015, 3:02 pm

A guy named Jack wakes up one morning with a bad hangover and a throbbing eye. To his surprise he sees a rose in a vase with a note written in pretty handwriting, along with some Asprin and a glass of water. The note was written by his wife Jill. It says "My Dearest Jack, I'm out right now grocery shopping. I'm going to make you your favorite dinner this evening, and I have breakfast made and waiting for you on the table. Love always, Jill." He takes the Asprin and gets up and when he goes into the bathroom he discovers in the mirror that he has a black eye. He goes downstairs and sure enough there is a lovely breakfast ready for him on the kitchen table. His son is sitting there eating, and he sits down and asks him, "What happened last night?"
"Well you came home really hammered last night. You got that black eye because you fell on a chair and broke it." the boy tells him.
"Okay, but what's with your mother leaving me that love note, making us breakfast, and going out shopping for my favorite meal?" Jack asks.
"Oh, that!" his son says. "Well, she dragged you into your bedroom, and when she tried to undress you, you said, 'no, don't do it, I'm a married man!'"



collectoritis
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,050

07 Jun 2015, 5:14 am

Bond on Zorin : "We played bridge together once....he lost"

:lol: :mrgreen:



lostonearth35
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jan 2010
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,790
Location: Lost on Earth, waddya think?

03 Jul 2015, 12:46 pm

Lately people who have just been admiring The Mona Lisa have been developing symptoms such as a runny nose, sneezing, coughing, a sore throat and a mild fever.

They're calling this mysterious illness "The Da Vinci Cold".



Chreeve2
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 28 Jun 2015
Posts: 31
Location: California

03 Jul 2015, 7:14 pm

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar . . . And they say "ow"



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 59,750
Location: Stendec

03 Jul 2015, 7:18 pm

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



Jory
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 2 Jun 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 17,520
Location: Tornado Alley

03 Jul 2015, 7:32 pm

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

:|

I'll just be leaving.



lostonearth35
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jan 2010
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,790
Location: Lost on Earth, waddya think?

08 Jul 2015, 9:16 pm

Q: What did the insomniac-atheist-dyslexic do?
A: Stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 59,750
Location: Stendec

08 Jul 2015, 10:04 pm

Q: Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
A: Because the 'p' is silent.



WitchsCat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Apr 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 20,433
Location: Cleveland, OH

09 Jul 2015, 7:04 pm

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"


_________________
Black cat on duty


Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 59,750
Location: Stendec

09 Jul 2015, 7:21 pm

My boss stumbled in to work this morning in a foul mood after arguing all night with her husband.

I asked a coworker, "Does she always wake up grumpy?"

"No", he said. "She usually lets him sleep."



lostonearth35
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jan 2010
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,790
Location: Lost on Earth, waddya think?

14 Jul 2015, 12:26 am

There are these two identical twins named Tom and Tim. Tim lives in a town with his wife. Tom lives near the harbor where he pretty much keeps to himself. He has a boat that he rents to people wanting to go for a ride or fishing, but the boat has gotten very old and is falling apart so one day when a group of people ask if they can rent it he tells them they shouldn't. But they insist so he gives in and lets them on the boat. Sure enough the boat falls apart completely and sinks, and Tom spends the rest of the day trying to clean up the whole mess and stuff. So he is unaware that during this same day the wife of his brother Tim, has suddenly died. Finally he goes to the grocery store in the evening to buy some food. A little old lady notices him and, mistaking him for his twin brother, walks right over and says, "Oh, I am so sorry for your loss!"

Tom is puzzled at first, but then thinks she's talking about the loss of his boat and not his brother's wife. So he says, "Oh, that beaten-up old thing? It's not such a big deal, really. She was a real mess anyway, leaking and falling apart and with big cracks and barnacles all over her bottom."

The old lady can't believe her ears, but Tom continues, "Today a group of young people showed up and said they'd pay me to let them ride on her. But I told they really shouldn't because she smelled like rotten fish and seaweed and was full of holes. But they wouldn't stop pestering me so I let them go on her. They rode her for only about ten minutes and then suddenly she shook all over, split herself right down the middle, and then down she went! What a mess, I spent the whole afternoon picking up parts of her, and..."

The poor old lady then fainted right there in the store. :lol: