Does it make you feel bad to not fit in?

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I cannot figure this out with myself.

On the one hand, If I not fit in, I do get to feel like the geeky, weird outsider who has social issues.

On the other hand, I do not believe in this "fitting in", because I believe in equality between people, and fitting in is anything but equality!

The fat girl is always going to be treated worse than the slim girl. I do not like the whole concept.

So in that sense, I do not want to fit in.

But at the same time I realize, that if I do not attempt to fit more in than I would like to, I cannot hold down a normal job.

Also it will be difficult to have a somewhat "normal life" with a wife, kids and extended family.


I cannot find out what to do with myself in some way. I do to some extent desire the "NT-life", but at the same time, I despise the hierarchy attached to socialization. DESPISE it. It makes me depressed!


How should I resolve all of this? Can you in any way relate to what I have written?

Surprisingly enough, a fat girl with confidence is treated better than a thin girl with low self-esteem. It's what's on the inside that resonates with people, if you project confidence it will affect others into believing you're confident, etc. This whole world is a stage upon which we act out our various scripts and plays. It doesn't matter if you have autism or not, you're still acting in a play the only difference is when you have autism you have to choose to act in the play, to learn the right words, express the right things to get the right reactions to be liked, have friends, whatever.

Honestly, to hell with all of that. I don't know what the alternative is. Because I don't know about you, but I can't deal in fake, I can't deal in false social obligations that just strive to keep up the illusion of all these selves promoting themselves. If that doesn't make any sense, don't worry, it might someday or not, it doesn't really matter.

Either way you do it, I firmly believe in choosing one, two or maybe a few select people to pour your precious soul into, rather than try and learn all this song and dance, just to pass long enough to realize you're just going to be rejected again anyway. ANd if you're not rejected, well good. That's good. I would stick with those people.

Overweight people are more successful in general life, but slimmer people are more successful with marriage, jobs where image matters, etc.

We don't have a world where everyone and everywhere accepts people for who they are. It's not just because of weight, it can be because of skin colour, sexuality, hobbies, ppast history etc.

I feel bad I don't fit in though. Even with my geeky friends, I feel like an outcast.

That's your problem right there: You want to "fit in" in some ways, but not others. If you truly want not fitting in to work, you're going to have to give up on having a "normal life," or at least accept that it'll be more difficult to obtain one. Don't be half-assed about not fitting in: become a complete freak/outcast.

I feel very accomplished now.

No, it doesn't make me feel bad. Fitting in is exhausting for me, and most people are not interesting enough to for me to want to "fit in with" or care whether they accept me or not.

I fit in fine with people I have things in common with and that's enough for me. If you find the right profession, you'll fit in at work, because you'll be working with people who share your enthusiasms. I got on great with other creative people in broadcasting, it was the dour, neurotypical management types who couldn't stand me, because they had to be able to fit everybody into the same box or their heads would explode. There was a constant tug of war between the creative people in programming and the materialistic people in sales and management. That's where the "not fitting in" became an issue, because I do not have the gene that allows people to learn butt kissing and sucking up. Those behaviors are completely alien to me, so when there was a conflict, I was the first one fired.

As for having a family, I loved that, having kids is awesome (well, one was kinda difficult), the marriage part was the struggle for me, because in typical aspergian form, I suck at noticing how others around me are feeling and knowing what to do to satisfy their emotional needs. I get distracted by personal interests and completely forget there are other people in the house, and I'm horrible at expressing my own motivations and feelings or explaining or compensating for my shortcomings. OTOH, all that was before I was diagnosed and understood my own condition, so it might be different now.

If I have one or two good friends that 'get me,' I couldn't care less if I fit in with the rest of the world.

No. It gives me a very confined, claustrophobic sort of feeling to fit in. I can't really explain it.

What makes me feel bad is that when I get close to someone, if I make a new friend or fall in love with someone, whatever, the person almost always belongs in to some sort of social group, and it seems like they prioritize their ties to the group above their connection with me.

I can relate to everything you describe here dianthus.

I believe the reason for the claustrophobic feeling is because fitting in implies restrictions of the actions you are allowed to take. You do get "locked up" when you fit in! Apparently, NTs cannot stand not having it that way.


And I agree, one is almost always second to the group. People cannot see you for you, as an individual independent of the group. It is exactly when people see me as individual independent of the group that I feel a true connection to another person. As long as they view me as "yet another member of the group", I often could not care less about their company, to be honest.

You are right. I have to choose.

It is just that becoming a complete freak/outcast does not make me feel good. What I need to feel good is independence, being an outcast would likely make me dependent on others, so I cannot do that either.

I have to fake it so far as it requires to become independent. Being dependent is prison to me.

Trust me, I know all too well what you are talking about. It is so fake to me, anything but genuine to me.

I don't really know. Sometimes I feel like I'd have more friends and wouldn't be as lonely if I did fit in, but then I think...is that really what I want? When it comes right down to it, my plushies, die cast cars and internet friends are company enough for me.

It doesn't make me feel bad that I don't fit in at all. I was put on this planet to make myself happy by doing my own thing. I do things that I need to do to make myself happy. I've given up fitting with my peers at the age of 14, because I've realized that I was never going to be like them, and that's a good thing. As soon as I found that my peers were talking about sex, telling me what station to listen to and dictating that I had to dress like them and have similar hairdos that they had, when I was in grades 8 and 9, I've decided to go my own way and forget about them. I've decided that I'd rather be true than shallow and fake. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary. I also did experiment with the hippie image to trick my bullies into thinking I've changed. I went back to being the real me a year after I graduated from high school.

I do things that I couldn't get away with in high school, because it makes me happy. I wear the red jacket and frilly shirt because it gives me a sense of freedom (I'm no longer in high school! I can do what I want!) I feel the same sense of freedom when I wear other unisex mod looking clothes as well. I also have Mick Avory hair to go with my adorable Mick Avory face as well. The hair that I had in Grades 8, 9 and 10. The hair that I went back to in 1995 and went back to once again in 2009. I'm also not afraid to be honest about what my favourite band really is, as all of you on WP know. It gives me a sense of freedom, because I'm not saying I like music that's more popular just to hide the truth and fit in with the majority of any population on WP, or in real life.

If your favourtie band wasn't The Beatles in 1987, there was something wrong with you. It's now 2014 and I can proudly say I'm a Kinks Fan.

It don't make me feel bad that I don't fit in because my brother and our friends are all pretty unorthodox. None of us "fit in" but we certainly fit in with each other.