Ever worry you'll marry someone you DON'T love?

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StewartMango
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08 Apr 2014, 3:38 pm

Every time I like a guy he NEVER likes me back, but when a guy likes me I NEVER like him back. Most guys who like me are either creepy stalkers from the internet(which is mostly my fault due to my bikini photos) or guys who are mentally challenged. I'm not mean to these guys and I don't walk around in reveling clothing in public. I often wonder if this is a birth control mechanism my body has since I don't want children.

I remember in high school this guy liked me who I didn't like back and this girl got really mad at me and made me feel like I was a bad person, when I wasn't even mean to the guy. Also there's times where people try to match me with guys I wouldn't even think of being their friend never mind dating them!

Sometimes I have irrational fears that I'll wind up marrying a guy I don't love in fear of judgemental from others or if I can't get a job with good pay or benefits and the only way to survive(assuming my parents pass away) is to marry a guy who has all that.

Incase you're wondering, I live with my parents and I work a part time job with no benfits as of now.


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hurtloam
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08 Apr 2014, 4:02 pm

I could have written that, all apart from the bikini photos bit. Aint no one seeing me in a bikini.

There was a boy in high school that liked me and I didn't really believe that he did. He wasn't weird. He was just a bit of a lad. The joker in our year and I was boring. I didn't know why he liked me and the other girls were like "why won't you go out with him?" And I was like, well, I don't even know him. He just didn't appeal at all. We weren't even in any of the same classes. Still makes don't understand it.

Well, no one has like me for a long time, but those who have have been a bit strange. That in itself isn't bad, but I didn't get along with them. I thought, there's no point going out with someone I don't get along with. That's just silly. But I do wonder what will happen to me if I get sick. Who will look after me? What if I lose my job?

Partnership does offer a certain element of security if you look at the practical aspect of it. Sometimes I wonder if I was too fussy when I was younger, then I look back and realize I wasn't. With any of those guys from the past, we wouldn't have been happy together.

So I don't know what the future holds.

But don't dispair, you are only 24. You have years ahead of you to meet someone.



voltagesparks
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08 Apr 2014, 4:06 pm

I'm not sure I understand your definition of love. If a loveless marriage doesn't appeal to you I see no reason why you should even consider it, no matter what others think. And if you marry someone just so they would provide for you regardless if you are compatible or not than thats pretty much selling yourself. Personally I don't have these kinds of thoughts, but then again I don't think romantic love is necessary for a successful marriage.



StewartMango
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08 Apr 2014, 4:19 pm

Thank you for the replies, I was worried I'd get backlash. I don't think I could ever marry into a loveless marriage unless I was forced or it was my only chance of survival. I'm in no rush for marriage since I have no desire to procreate, but the more I hear about engagements and marriages of people around my age, I do get a bit lonely sometimes and when the only guys available are ones that are not my type, it gets frustrating.


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voltagesparks
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08 Apr 2014, 4:24 pm

Haha, don't I know it. Entering the boom of friends getting married. Kind of makes me feel bad about not feeling bad about being single.



Willard
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08 Apr 2014, 5:18 pm

Mutual respect and friendship are what make a partnership.

Romantic love is like throwing yourself into the sun - it's poetic, it's beautiful, it's majestic and overwhelming, then it's hideously, excruciatingly painful, then it's over and you never feel anything, ever again. :roll:



Stargazer43
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08 Apr 2014, 5:19 pm

I worry about this a lot. I've had such bad luck with relationships and faced so many rejections, that I worry I'll just stick with the first person who doesn't reject me, regardless of whether I actually feel anything for them or not. I used to have somewhat idealistic and grandiose dreams of love and happiness, but those died somewhere between rejection #20 and rejection #30.



onewithstrange
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08 Apr 2014, 6:38 pm

StewartMango wrote:
Every time I like a guy he NEVER likes me back, but when a guy likes me I NEVER like him back.


This may be a common experience for everyone. In order to date the women I want, I feel I would have to "step up" somehow. I'm usually not interested in the women who are interested in me first.

To answer your thread title, I'm more worried that I won't love anyone.


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mfs1013
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08 Apr 2014, 8:10 pm

I am in the same boat as everyone who has AS.... seeing people you know from high school in relationships, getting married and having kids. Right now I just want more friends and be well known without being misjudged in how I stare or talk

@StewartMango... If you do want a relationship, do you prefer AS-AS or AS-NT?


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aspiemike
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08 Apr 2014, 8:15 pm

I've learned this from my experience in dating with those who apparently liked me back. If there was this feeling of excitement and a need to contact eachother a lot (right away), it didn't work out in the end and it ended badly. So I started to like a girl i was hanging out with personally and didn't feel that same level of excitement with other girls I had dated before. In fact, unlike the previous ones, I felt comfortable and confident talking about anything and nothing at all. She did too. We started dating and we have a lot of fun around eachother.

What I said is somewhat comparable to Willard's thoughts as well if you want a better understanding of what I meant. :lol:


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starrynightmare
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08 Apr 2014, 9:13 pm

This thread makes me feel a little better about a situation I've had on the backburner for a while. Anyway.

When I was abroad in Madrid I semi-dated this guy who fell for me big time. He goes to school in Madrid mostly (he's doing a semester in Geneva now) so I haven't seen him since early 2013 when I was over there. However, we keep in touch over Facebook and Skype. He still has feelings for me and has expressed the desire to get engaged -- before which we would at least date for longer in person.

The thing is, I'm a very verbal artist/writer and he is a more nonverbal mathematician type. Sometimes I wonder how much I would really love him. We get into (one-sided, instigated by me) arguments a lot and he doesn't know what to say to my frustrated rants. Despite this, he's extremely willing to commit to spend his life with me eventually.

StewartMango, I definitely get the whole "marry a guy out of practicality" thing. My Madrid friend is from an internationally wealthy family and would easily be able to support me and our eventual family. I think it would end up being more of a partnership relying on thoughtful communication than anything. Unfortunately for my impatient self, only time will tell when we're both out of university.



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08 Apr 2014, 9:56 pm

StewartMango wrote:
Every time I like a guy he NEVER likes me back, but when a guy likes me I NEVER like him back.


I'm the same.

Quote:
Sometimes I have irrational fears that I'll wind up marrying a guy I don't love in fear of judgemental from others or if I can't get a job with good pay or benefits and the only way to survive(assuming my parents pass away) is to marry a guy who has all that.


I don't see any reason to be afraid of something you have control over. And to answer the question, No I don't fear marrying someone I don't love, as I wouldn't.

And just a note.. if you don't want attention from "creeps" don't post bikini photos on the internet. :P



Maerlyn138
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08 Apr 2014, 10:28 pm

I've been there, twice, on my third marriage now. I took my time and we are happily in love. So I have high hopes for the future of this relationship


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MDD123
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08 Apr 2014, 11:35 pm

Willard wrote:
Mutual respect and friendship are what make a partnership.

Romantic love is like throwing yourself into the sun - it's poetic, it's beautiful, it's majestic and overwhelming, then it's hideously, excruciatingly painful, then it's over and you never feel anything, ever again. :roll:


I second that.


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StewartMango
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09 Apr 2014, 12:47 am

mfs1013 wrote:

@StewartMango... If you do want a relationship, do you prefer AS-AS or AS-NT?


I prefer a Neurotypical over a guy with Aspergers, since I tend to be more attracted to guys like that. All the guys I met in real life who had Aspergers had a more severe case than mine and I prefer to be the odd one in the relationship, that's not to say there's a guy with Aspergers that I may fall in love with. I don't want him to be too 'normal' either.


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09 Apr 2014, 9:35 am

Oftentimes, yes, and I bail early if things don't suggest a good future. The last one didn't care to make an honest effort to split speaking in each other's "love languages" 50/50, so even if I made an effort to do things to make him happy the only things I received were ones he would enjoy (not me). I didn't want a stressed-out, couples-counseling marriage like my mom, so between that and our other difficulties I called quits.

Maybe I'm too quick to give up, but having seen just how bad relationships can be I'd rather be safe than sorry. I'm afraid of not taking a red flag as a red flag, and winding up stuck with someone who's unhealthy for me or doesn't think about my feelings. Caving to pressure and staying with someone who's a poor match just because you don't want to be too critical would only make for two unhappy people.

I can't imagine trying to raise kids with someone like my ex, if we ever decided we wanted them or I wound up pregnant. Changing diapers and feeding screaming younglings, most likely also while working my own job, with someone who tunes out even the smallest of requests if they're not the kind of thing he likes. I can see it now... come home from my own job and start dinner for him and the kids... do some cleaning... give him his Words of Affirmation and a bit of Quality Time just for us... and then zero physical (excluding sex) or verbal affection for me but a lot of plain old time together, because that's what he values most so that's what I get. Go to bed and repeat the next day.

Would he even help raise them? Who knows.

Guh, no.