Through the rabbit hole...

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I feel as though the world is insane and as though I want no part of this society anymore. I cannot communicate with other humans regardless of how much I try.

I am so tired.

I have no interest in self judgement yet everyone I speak to is obsessed with thinking of life in terms of perfect/imperfect, worthy/worthless, self like/self dislike....I cannot find one other who is not consumed by it (or should I say eaten alive) and the disappointment I feel is overwhelming.


I just want to enjoy being alive. I only have one life, I'd like to pursue some of the things I am passionate about with it. I want a fulfilling career (or at least the opportunity to pursue one...doesn't matter if I make it or not as long as I get to have a good go at it), I want to travel around the coast in the UK beach combing and collecting fossils, I want to stand by quaint habour and paint, I want to play piano and clarinete so I can make beautiful music. I want to teach others to do the same.

None of it has to be perfect (perfect in what way exactly, compared to what...everyone keeps on about this mysterious perfection that is supposed to exist but does anyone agree on what it actually is?) and I don't have to be anything other than what I am.

Everyone assumes I think I should be something other than I am...I don't. I don't think a human has to be anything but I do know I am not compatible with them. My belief system is not compatible with them and I can't and don't want to adopt the way of thinking they want me to. Who is to say what a human should be...we don't even know where consciousness and personality come from, let alone what they should and should not be for crying out loud.

I can't be around humans anymore. I need to limit my exposure to the human race especially if I want to be able to just enjoy being alive.

I only get one life. I don't get a second go around.

Every person I have spoken or even met in the last 5 years has gone on and on about my not liking myself, my beating myself up, my hating myself when I do none of those things.

I make a mistake playing piano I think to myself "oh I need to practice those few bars of ode to joy either now or later, I may get a cup of tea and relax my fingers first though".

I failed a biology practical once...I was trying to get salad vegetables to putrefy but it didn't work. I looked at my project, looked at other classmates projects and after a brief moment of disappointment thought to myself "why did their experiments work but not mine, what did I do, buy the worlds longest life lettuce or something?" Then I went on to figure out what had gone wrong and ended up getting an over all A grade for the course. It's a shame I can't remember what it was though, I could have stopped the problem of that one lost rotting tomato left accidentally in the back of the salad draw in your fridge from occurring again for all eternity. The worlds greatest preservative....it would have been as good as the day you had left it in there 6 months earlier lol. (I jest about the discovery part).

This is how my brain works. It analyses, it humours, it questions and it judges in terms of safety or whether or not I need to practice at something but it is not interested in value judgements or in judging the self (or others) in terms of worth. I never think of others in terms of worth, I just think of them as people with compatible or incompatible traits with me. I do worry about their habits being harmful to them though, but I shall quit doing that. I'm tired now and people don't care anyway I don't think.

In terms of my self I see myself as a collection of traits, skills, abilities and so on. Each skill set has its own useful and not so useful side. No one skill or trait is good or bad in and of itself. They just are what they are. It is the context and other variables that decide whether or not a skill is useful to me at any given moment in time. A skill may be beneficial in one environment/situation, neutral in another or non beneficial in another. it's not a flaw, or a weakness or a strength....its a skill who's usefulness to me changes according to the variables involved.

This is why I don't understand why people see something as a weakness. Ok maybe in one instance it was a weakness as the trait did not benefit you or got in your way, but in another context that same trait can be invaluable to you. So which is it? A weakness or a strength?

A lot of it is how you interpret it as well and what your expectations are and whether or not you live up to them.

But no skill, trait, etc is completely useless. Very few things in this world (if anything at all) are completely useless. To some people a piece of rock is just that...a pointless lump of material born of mother earth getting in their way on the side walk. It's worthless...but

To our ancestors it was a tool to hunt, butcher and make clothing with.
To a geologist it is a record of time gone by
To a biologist it is a record of life on earth
To a artist is a sculpture waiting to be born
To a builder it is someone's beautiful home

Its what I like to call seeing the potential in the rock...they all see it, even if to some that rock is nothing but a worthless piece of stone....

I have my own motivations for doing things (quality of life, good health and vitality, pursuing my passions) and I really couldn't give a flying f**k about superior/inferior, perfect/imperfect, worthy/worthless. I don't need them.

I don't think I will be back but thank you to those who were nice to me here. I wish you all well.

It sounds like people are not trying to understand the "real" you. Maybe they assume you want to be someone else because they would be embarrassed if they were like you. I'm not saying that's a nice thing at all, no. It's rather mean. However, they probably pity you (wrongfully) and think of you as inferior. They probably don't understand how you could possibly be content with yourself.

wish you well, and of course you are always welcome back.

Why could I be content with myself? Because I am not as judgemental as people think. There is nothing to pity? What they are doing is cruel.

I am exceptionally smart academically.
I am fit and healthy physically (these days anyway)
I live in a one bedroom bungalow in a small country village a bus ride away from the coast with a front and back garden
I have a gym membership


Why would someone be embarrassed to get A grades at University
Why would someone be embarrassed to have solved their own health issues when the medical profession failed them
Why would someone pity someone with healthy self esteem (my therapist could not help me, I don't have self esteem issues there was nothing she could do for me only refer me on for an aspergers assessment as an explanation for why people are treating me the way they are. My situation is having an detrimental effect on my health...my social isolation, not any negative feelings about myself. The way people are treating me is causing the problem).
Why would someone pity someone who has a number of other certificates all with distinction level passes or A grades?
Why would someone pity someone they don't know based on a set of character traits they made up in their head?
Why pity someone who was started at school early because of exceptional brightness?
Why pity someone who gave up a university course to care for a elderly disabled mother, is there something wrong or sad about caring for a family member and putting something you want on hold because you loved them?
Why pity someone who had a memory that was so good I have never had to revise for an exam in my life?
Why pity someone, who when tested as a child, was tested as being developed beyond their years in certain ways even if they were considered to be emotionally immature, over sensitive and idealistic.
Why pity someone who was a published writer in their teens, even if it was just a few poems in a couple of books and some magazines.
Why pity someone who was told they were a naturally talented horse rider and whom nearly acquired a place to train as a jockey at New Market riding establishment (but whom decided to pursue other options).
Why pity someone who's English teacher like their writing so much they wanted them to become a journalist and spent an entire year trying to convince them to talk to a journalist friend about entering the profession.

Why pity someone for any of those reasons? Why be embarrassed to be like me?

Do I look too weird or something (most recent shot I have online in a journal).



What is to pity? Because I don't have friends etc? Maybe I don't have friends because people keep pitying me and that is not what I am looking for.

I don't want to come back, but thank you.

there is nothing wrong with you. it is just a matter of finding a proper fit in a proper place.

I frequently feel the same way.

What you write reminds me of an Allen Ginsberg poem, perhaps even one by Walt Whitman.

I'm going to read further.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 08 Apr 2014, 9:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm puzzled. You seem to feel that someone, or everyone, is condescending to you, but I don't really understand who you're referring to - do you mean here at WP, or in the Real World (assuming there is such a thing) or both?

I've never assumed there was anything the least bit wrong with you, other than the same maddening invisible 'wall of confusion' that separates all of us on the spectrum from the world of Neurotypicality and garbles all attempts at meaningful communication.

I do understand the frustration of having others think they can change you into what they think you ought to be, some people are thick as a brick that way. You don't owe those dimwits any explanations, they will never understand, because their brains are not wired to be able to see what you see.

A guy I was talking to on the internet a few nights ago and whom I met once in person briefly but was not attracted to him. He spent several hours the other night going on and on and on and on and on about how I must admit that I am not perfect (I never said I was perfect, I prefer not to think in terms of perfection or imperfection though as its not very realistic) or I would be alone forever, and that he was the only man who would ever want me and yadda yadda.

Another person came up to me in a pub and said directly "you hate yourself don't you". I replied with "no". WTF is that?

Another person I spoke to on the phone said "you are very hard on yourself". Um no I am not

Another person before that said "You beat yourself up a lot"

and another "you are are too hard on yourself"

I am scared to speak to people around where I live. They are obsessed.

And the same can happen on the internet sometimes.

We might not really know each other, but no, from what you have written, there is nothing to feel pity for (I wouldn't understand why either).

Exactly, let's hope that you will find that proper place.

Bummer that this place here didn't appeal to you and you intend to leave it, but if you can't find any joy here, then I can understand your reasons (why spend time in a place that does not do much for your overall happiness in life but make you see even more negative/annoying sides in humans and possibly serve as a downer?).
So maybe, from that point of view, it might be the best that you are leaving, but as auntblabby said, feel free to come back to Wrong Planet any time, whether it be to read something, ask for ideas on how to solve an issue in life or just to share experiences or alike with others.

As you said, it is about enjoying life, so I wish you all the best! Give things a try, see how it evolves, learn stuff, fullfill goals in your life, have a (hopefully satisfying) carreer and most importantly: Have fun in what you do!
So I wish you all the best from me too (since it might be unlikely there will be another chance to say/write that)!

you know where your head is at, concentrate your energies on proper people, and while you are in that process concentrate on making your own private world more comfy.

I think I need some time away from the internet time.

I am looking into getting a pet. I think I am going to adopt a dog and take a break from human company for a while. Sounds strange but it's easier to bond with animals. The relationships are less complex and more fulfilling and he/she won;t think I am worthless if I don't throw the ball far enough when we play fetch. He/she will just wag his/her tail and bring the ball back for me to throw again.

Last edited by bumble on 08 Apr 2014, 9:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Have you ever seen the series known as "Seven-up?" It documents the lives of about 20 people through the years. It started when the participants were 7 years old, in 1964. Every 7 years, the participants are interviewed again. The series continues; last year, there was a "56-up."

Your journey reminds me of the journey of one of participants, whose name escapes me at the moment. I have a vague notion of this person at present. He was discontented at age 21, so he started wandering around England, At 28, he was living in one of the islands of Scotland, just ekeing out an existence; he was homeless. At 35, he was still living there, but he had carved more of a niche for himself and was not homeless any more. I believe he was elected to the local council or something like that. At 42, he was even more successful; at 49, even more so--by that time, I believe, he was able to enter into a relationship (with another man, I believe). He owned his own home in mainland England. He was politically prominent, I believe.

It seems as if he was a person with Asperger's.

Sorry I couldn't be more informative--but if you were able to find out his story, I believe there might be some inspiration there.

I looked at your picture: there's nothing to pity!

You're a very attractive person on the outside. And I sense that you have much on the inside as well.

We all have things that we must resolve in life.

I wish I possessed some of the gifts which you possess.

Well, I guess that sounds like a plan.

I think it might be easier to bond with animals because they don't rant about stuff, unlike humans. And a dog is always loyal and loves his or her owner. In short, I think animals judge way less than humans (the only judgement might be to detect the "alpha" among the crowd), which is why you probably consider it easier to bond with them.

Good luck Bumble. I hope you find what you are seeking.