Loneliness and ASD

Post Reply New Topic

If I have Aspergers as people expect then why is a lack of healthy social relationships with people I can relate to causing me such emotional distress so as to cause depression bad enough to stop me from working?

My therapist said my depression is due to my situation and she can't help me with it because it's not stemming from (lack of self esteem or faulty beliefs) other than to refer me on to someone who can help provide me with a social support network. I don't have issues looking after myself so that kind of support is no needed (can dress myself, cook for myself and when I am not depressed take care of my own house work and bill paying too). She suspect Asperger's I am still not sure. If were on the spectrum why am I so bothered about wanting relationships so I have an opportunity for social interaction.

What is more there is nothing I can do about it...it's not a matter of improving myself. The more I improve my life and myself the more people think I am looking down on them because they have convinced themselves I think I am superior or perfect. Um I have an egalitarian belief system, superiority is hierarchical, and I don't think in terms of perfection or imperfection. It wreaks of jealousy to me and insecurity on their part. There must be a reason people like to lie about me by spreading gossip telling people I am things that I am not causing them to avoid me (such as that I am schizophrenic, an alcoholic, a troll, someone who won;t help myself (the complete opposite of what I am basically). Why do this if I don't threaten then in some way? Do they think I am better than them? Why? Have I done something they couldn't do again? I never said I was better than them or I think I am better than them. Do they have an inferiority complex?

The problem is not all coming from me, some of it is trouble making and lack of acceptance and understanding from other people. There is nothing I can do about any of it. The more I improve my life (as they suggest, they keep telling me I need to improve things so I do) the worse people slap me down as though they can't stand to see another person succeeding.

In other instances people are just ignorant.

The therapist I had said you can't change people...

I say...can't we at least try to educate them?

And people wonder why I think badly of the human race. Because its spiteful, arrogant and lives up it's own rectum (excluding a few people who are this rare thing that I actually call nice).

Last edited by bumble on 10 Apr 2014, 2:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

you are still a human being, and human beings have been known to need some kind of companionship and/or fraternity. humans are wired for such, the human system expects such, and your blue feelings are your body's signals to your waking mind that you have human needs that are not being met. this is what caused me to seek out and find wrong planet as well as square pegs [a support group].

As AuntB says, humans are social animals and it is innate. As far as I know, the need is still present in those with AS, it's just the ability to socialise is limited to some degree and this confused state is the cause of much unhappiness.

It does seem that the default setting for many people is to be negative rather than positive. It's easier to criticise than praise, it's easier to be sarcastic than be genuinely funny. As i'm sure you know, when you are down it's hard to get up again, some people don't absorb this but subconsciously deflect it on to other people around them and invent scandal to make their mundane lives seem more interesting.

I'm afraid that others may well see you as "superior" just due to you being different and having alternative views to the mainstream, they see you as unwilling to conform, when actually you are unable to.

It is possible to educate others but this requires a lot of effort on your part, especially if ears and minds are not really open to the concept of trying alternatives.

If possible try to spend more time with those who are willing to entertain alternative ideas about life and don't let other people dictate how to live your life. If you are improving yourself and not harming others then what you are achieving can only be good.

I think you should give people benefit of a doubt. They are not necessarily jealous of you or however you put it. Maybe you come across as arrogant or unpleasant or hard to deal with or demanding. Maybe you should try and understand other people better? What they want?

I believe my (severe) depression is mostly due to being extremely lonely which comes from not being able to understand, relate and connect with others in a meaningful way. I have a complicated personality and I think a lot which doesn't go well with casual acquaintances. Also I've been balancing between not wanting to do anything with people because I find them stupid or unpleasant and just simply having anyone as a friend. I used to think that I was better than everyone else. Now I understand I was pretty stupid myself but by this point it's all messed up.

Needless to say I am a hopeless misanthrope. I am so alone that if I died today probably it would take people a good month before anyone became concerned.

I am alone like that too. I never used to be, I had family at one point, I looked after my disabled mother for years.

No one ever cared about what I wanted. I gave up a lot bending over backwards to look after other people, but when I fell sick a few years a go with CFS type symptoms not only did no one believe me (they kept insisting it was anxiety and depression) but no one was there for me either.

How am I supposed to care what others want when no one is willing to do the same for me?

I was genuinely sick (resolved now by the paleo diet) and at one point even had to go without eating for 9 days because I had a headache that was so bad I couldn't get out of bed. No one understood. They just kept saying go to the dr who kept saying they were anxiety headaches or do relaxation which did not work or go out for a walk (I think they missed the point where the headaches where crippling). The 9 day long one though was the worst I'd ever had and it was months before the vertigo wore off and I could travel in a moving vehicle again (travel sickness which I don't usually get). I had a numb face on the left side for months afterwards as well (again all gone on the paleo diet except the occasional milder version of the headache which thumps on the left side and back of my head, giving me blurry vision, neck pain and loss of appetite along with mood changes at the same time).

Everyone is making me out to be selfish but I have gone out of my way for people. I gave up the University course I was getting A grades on to care for my mother. I gave what I wanted for everyone else. My mother is dead now though and when I try to bring people into my life they don't care one bit about what I want.

1 They keep trying to change me. I am not allowed to sit quietly (which I often like to do in company, in a group I am happy to sit whilst everyone natters. I will just listen. I do not always need to speak. If I do go on about a favourite topic I tell people just to give me a gentle nudge and let me know I'm babbling again. They agree but when ti comes to it they yell at me or insult me instead. That's not a gentle nudge). They constantly complain at me for not wanting to smoke, or drink or eat junk food. Insulting me and calling me horrible names or accusing me of thinking I am superior because I like healthy living and recovered from any addictions that I had. Either that or they make out I never had any addictions instead. I did, I was a binge drinker in my early 20s (thought it would help me socially, thought I was being socially hip and would find friends...didn't work) and it took me the best part of a year and lots of withdrawal to quit and I smoked 20 to 40 cigarettes a day for years (I'd pretty much say I was addicted). PN that these people have addictions that are out of control.

2 I used to get boyfriends until a nasty group of females spread rumours around about me. I am not that unattractive that I should be single. Carrying too much weight at the moment but not so physically ugly that I should be alone or unwanted by men. In person I am reserved and quiet. I look more shy to those who don't know me. In my neighbourhood however, i am so distressed by my situation I keep having meltdowns and ranting to myself. I suspect that is why people think I am weird but I can't stop it unless I can numb the emotional pain I am feeling.

I have just as much to offer as any other female. Why did those other females do it? Why did they post all that rubbish about me. I was getting lots of attention from the men until they did that and I responded badly, now no one speaks to me. I may not have found a compatible partner to spend my life with but men still found me physically attractive. I was not treated by a leper by them. That is only since those girls spread all that rubbish around telling them I was mentally unstable and when I responded by getting upset it only made it look like they were right. I didn't know how to cope with their bitchiness is all.

3 I usually end up doing what everyone else wants, I am always checking that people I care about are ok (in case im missing anything as people wont say when they have a problem, they expect me to mind read), I even go out of my way to cook them their favourite food and prepare it how they like it because I like to see people smile.

Yet here I alone.

4 I don't do anything weird other than have my meltdowns sometimes. I live a normal life. Go to the gym, eat healthy, don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs, read, play piano, watch movies but I am also open to doing many activities so it's not as though people wouldn't be able to find something for us to do together.

I don't deserve to be treated the way I am by people, I have not done anything wrong. When I got sick all people did was chastise me. But I was genuinely ill. Even now people cant accept it was not mood causing the severe CFS symptoms and headaches as when I saw the therapist she said well 'when your mood improves'.

No! My mood does not change or alter my physical symptoms. My mood just feels low and I get insomnia becuae I am too upset to sleep. That is all. I do not get fatigue, aching muscles, numb patches of skin, pins and needles, other odd sensations, vertigo, nausea, stomach pain, acid reflcx, diarrhea, pale stools (steattorhea sp?) and inability to stay in an upright position.

I do still get the left sided headache once in a while, got one today but its mild and is sitting mostly in the back of my head and neck. But it is approaching a certain time of the month...there is a pattern to that. They are not as bad as they used to be though.

My stomach issues etc only come back if i start eating gluten grains, msg, high fructose corn syrup and similar again (grain based processed foods basically and cows dairy as well).

5 When I do well at something and blog it people dont say well done, they insist I must think I am superior to them because achieved something or insult me in other ways instead (such as saying I am boring and undesirable to spend time with because I don't consume alcohol or saying that I said all people who did drugs were bad because I don't want to take drugs myself. Its a bit much when I have said no such thing).

I don't blame myself for questioning peoples motives. I get treated worse than a genocidal murder would and I hurt no one.

I only criticise people because most of them are horrible to me first, or have been in the past. You can't expect me to put up with abuse from people and then think to myself how nice the human race is.

That does not mean that all people are horrible, some are sweet, but the majority are not exactly nice. Sorry, but they are not.

Humans have been vicious towards me and have shown me very little understanding when all I did was try to be nice or helpful towards them or just tried to get on quietly with my life.

It is just hard to find people to have a good two way conversation with. Either they talk about things I know nothing about (such as friends I am not familiar with and don't know from adam), insist on having conversations consisting of one word sentences which makes talking to them feel like I am trudging through quick sand and struggling not to sink or they keep talking amongst each other etc without giving me room to speak. Then they say "quite aren't you"

Um....I'd be trying to speak...but they keep talking and what I had in my head to say gets lost and I tune out of the conversation because they are not letting me into it. I may have a funny quip for example but can't really interject it because the moment has passed and it won't work unless the timing is right.

I have tried really hard.

And I wouldn't compare my internet communication style with my in person one. One is writing, the other is speaking. I am more verbose when writing than when I am speaking unless I am babbling because I am excited or nervous.

Last edited by bumble on 10 Apr 2014, 6:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

Good Morning (But it's afternoon where you are!)

I've always wanted to live on the Scottish Islands. They have a certain stark beauty. The only problem: the lack of a 24 hour store when one needs something.

I would bet that there are "bohemian" types who live there. I would bet that your ideal would be a Bohemian type who, nevertheless, takes showers often. Bohemians are artistic types who are also quite philosophical.

Would it be too isolating to live in that sort of environment?

Probably not if there were a few friendly eclectic people there.

Just wish I hadn't have moved to norfolk. I just have not been accepted here and I am not going to be, but I don't know how to get out of here. I need to, desperately, but I could be months waiting for a transfer if not years. So its kind of like torture. Norfolk is too spread out and there is no bus service here after 5.30 so evening clubs are out as I can't afford taxi fare to get home. Nearby market town has buses into the night but not where I live which is an hour and 30 minute walk away or an expensive cab ride (expensive for someone on disability). I just cant afford to go out in the evening. I thought going to the gym during the day would help but it has not.

Only just afternoon

Hello, tried that and the stark beauty is indeed the best thing.

There are definitely some alternative types but the majority is generally very conservative in attitude, probably even more than in Norfolk.

Lack of 24 hour shopping did not bother me at all.

I used to feel loneliness once, but it's many years that I don't feel it anymore. I'd say I haven't felt it for almost 6 years now.
I'll tell you, I generally get along with people now, in the sense that they respect me. I also found out they admire me because I mind my own business, I don't try to change the way they think ever if I don't agree with them, I don't judge, don't bully and I also have been told that ever if I look dumb at first I am actually a genius (which I am not, but, anyway). I lend my stuff if people ask for it, as long as I know they're people who are gonna turn it back.
I am quite content about this situation, as one who as been bullied back in middle school.
I think my old classmates were just idiots, and that most people is ok as long as you don't try to change their beliefs and you mind your own business. Well, I'd turn into an a**hole as well if someone tried to change my mind and told my business to everyone.

LOL....cab rides are expensive even for those who have a regular job!

Forget about London!! !! About 100 Pounds, or 160 Dollars, from Heathrow to Central London!! !!

Are you into a seacoast type of environment? Maybe Brighton might fill the bill. It has many eclectic people there, eclectic shops, not a big-city atmosphere. Public transport is good. A nice place for one who hates provincialism.

Too true, I avoid all of that and ride my bike everywhere. To be honest I'd rather not be here in London either but I will change that sooner or later.



I think Brighton is a bit too expensive personally, I'm aiming to move to Hastings which is just along the coast, a bit lower key than Brighton's bright lights, cheaper living costs and a very eclectic population.

NTs need a lot of company - they need group-belonging.

People with AS need less company - but they do need company of somebody who treats them well, that means enjoys their company without forcing them into a "group" through bullying, to establish a hierarchy.

People with AS like company of those who do not mind that they are considered equals by the AS-person. Many NTs rarely fully accept this.

Hi again, Bumble,

Have you gotten your degree at University yet? I don't remember your major--but was it Archaeology?

I hope you don't mind me asking: what disability did your mother suffer from?

I know what you mean by big sacrifices. My mother had to do the same thing: drop out of high school, yet--to help pay the bills when they were living in the Bronx in the early 1950's.

Have you a bike? That might not be a bad option in the meantime--until you could get out of Norfolk. 'Tis a pity that nice, seacoast environments are such lousy places to actually live in. In New York City, Coney Island SHOULD be nice--but it isn't--a lot of housing projects filled with drug dealers (and decent people, who are the victims of the drug dealers).

I could understand why walking is difficult. There are frequent roundabouts that you have to navigate. In London, there are "subways"--where you could avoid the hassles of the roundabouts--but elsewhere, they are nonexistent. The roads are narrow in the UK, usually. If your walk is 1 1/2 hours, I would guess that would make the distance 4 miles. It's a considerable distance--but, if there was a good walking environment, that would be great exercise!

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 10 Apr 2014, 7:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Although you may not believe in superiority/inferiority hierarchies, they almost certainly do. People who don't are rare indeed and they probably don't believe that you aren't silently judging them for their lifestyle choices.


Not jealousy unless you have something they want. But definately insecurity. I don't know them but I know plenty of people like them and it is highly likely they feel judged around you and that would make them insecure.



You never said you were better than them but you wouldn't have to say it. They will infer it from your lack of participation in their chosen lifestyle vices unless you tell them a very specifically non-judgemental reason you don't participate. This is a very tough balancing act and a lot of people avoid it entirely by finding a social group that also doesn't participate in those things. I know you eat meat (because,Paleo) so this is a strained analogy but you may be coming across like a vegan at a barbecue who tells people that the meat they are eating is killing them and also killing adorable animals. That vegan won't be invited to the barbecue again.

Finding a new group of people is the easiest solution to that problem which is why it's the solution advised in this thread. Considerably harder, but the only option if you can't find new people, is convincing those people that you honestly are not judging them. Telling them that you don't believe in hierarchies of inferior or superior and are completely egalitarian is not likely to work because it will come across as saintly and thus ironically be percieved as doubling down on being judgemental. The only way I have found that works to convince people that you aren't judging them is by outspoken acceptance of their choices while also saying that you don't indulge just because it's not your personal cup of tea. This only works if you actually do accept their choices. It can't be faked (or at least, I have no idea how to fake it). Thus I can happily spend time with pot smokers but not meth users because I can accept the former but not the latter. This does mean abandoning all attempts at education because trying to educate somebody out of their choice means you haven't accepted it.

......because it implies that they are not succeeding. This is why people who have given up alcohol/drugs/smoking/over-eating etc. sometimes find themselves distanced from their former friends who still do those things and instead seek out the company of those who don't.



But ignorant of what, exactly? Besides, if you judge people as ignorant they will feel.....judged as ignorant and want to avoid you in favor of people who don't think they are ignorant. This is the folly of trying to educate people who didn't specifically ask to be educated. They will feel judged as ignorant and distance themselves.



Not if you want friends.



hmmmmm.... If the people of your area ever realize you think that (and it will leak out even if you don't say it out loud) that will be the source of their bad feelings. Who wants to hang out with somebody who considers them spiteful, arrogant and living up their own rectums? I wouldn't. And they wouldn't either. You have to find a way to let go of that judgement if you are ever going to befriend any of the locals. Or else find other people who share it. That's what a lot of people do and it goes back again to the advice of somehow finding new people.