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Summer_Twilight
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20 Apr 2014, 7:05 pm

How many of you in here seem to become really close with another female whether autistic or not. Things seems to go well until they find themselves a special someone? Then you become oil and water because you don't understand the concept of being in a relationship because you have not had the opportunity? Especially when you cannot read the cues.

It happened to me and I want to know how many of you can relate? It has happened to me a few times.



tarantella64
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20 Apr 2014, 8:57 pm

This is partly age-related, but yes, the unwritten girl rule is that when your pal finds a guy, you retreat, and are available whenever if she wants to talk to you about her relationship. There you're supportive, you don't criticise the man, you give her advice, you're happy for her. If she's becoming a complete bore about it -- will talk of nothing else, calls you daily to worry at you about the guy and has been doing that for weeks -- you can be polite but firm about how she's losing it and needs to take a deep breath and talk about something else once in a while.

If you can't listen and be supportive -- even if you can't offer advice -- then yes, she's going to find someone else to talk to. And she won't be around as much anyway. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you anymore



Summer_Twilight
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21 Apr 2014, 8:26 am

I like your ideas. I am talking about when someone on the spectrum has trouble understanding when a close friend finds a special someone and have less time for you. While you understand that they are in a relationship, about every time you are together you find that you are constantly getting mad at them for this or that.

For instance:
Someone who I knew for 8 years had gotten engaged and it had nearly been a year before the wedding about 4 years ago.. I was supposed to meet her and another friend of her's to go to a free concert on my campus. I arrived at the theater at a certain time and I knew my friend did not have a cell phone so I called the phone of her friend's. I called to confirm if they were on the way right? It turned out that they were eating at the diner across the street. I just remember feeling angry and went over and pounding my fist on the table for not calling and inviting me.

That was because she spent the night with me the weekend before that and just wanted to lay around and talk about how tired she was due to having her "Special time of the month." Then when her fiancee showed up her face suddenly lit up. Then she jumped for joy out the door and took off to go on their weekly date together. I reminded her not to be too busy for me once they got married.



Geist
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21 Apr 2014, 9:45 am

Never have been friends with females. Katty, jealous and twisted. imho.

Try from the flip side. All of my friends were male growing up.. then they all had girlfriends, and then wives. Then the wives told their husbands they could no longer hang around their female friend. As if I wanted to take their husbands away from them. It's fun at christmas, especially as I shower their kids with gifts. That goes over well after I go home I'm sure. Fly on the wall..... 8) Thankfully my friends are still 'normal'.



Summer_Twilight
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21 Apr 2014, 10:42 am

She and I did keep trying to make each other jealous all the time and I admit that I got tired of it and wanted to follow my own path. She was also very insecure and scared that this person or that one would leave her so she was always trying to please them. That was even though she always seemed to treat me like a doormat. She also would get jealous if anyone ever even tried to interact with her hubby. It was "That girl always talks to him over me and I don't like it."

In the end her husband really did not like me and want me around because of belief differences. Then he himself does not have any friends and would get jealous if she would even talk to them on the phone. Then he started badmouthing me about how I did this or that. I was very upset because I loved him in the beginning and was hoping for someone who complete her life and accept me as a family too. Instead I just got thrown away.



tarantella64
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21 Apr 2014, 5:16 pm

Ah.

It's really important to be understanding when others have things in their lives that take priority over you. If they're consistently rude to you, then consider walking away from the friendship. But this is a normal part of heading from young adulthood to middle age: people disappear into their families, mostly because they just become too busy to do anything else. Once they have kids, the kids will absolutely take priority over you. Most family people who aren't housewives have trouble maintaining more than a few friendships that aren't family-related, and even then you might not see the other person much. The friendships that do get maintained tend to be those with people in similar circumstances.

Usually when people marry they don't bring a third party along. Even when divorced parents remarry it's very hard to "blend" the kids into the marriage -- when it comes right down to it, the adults are interested in each other, not the other person's kids.

I have an ex with AS; if we lived nearby I'd see him pretty often, I think, but we don't. I understand that he finds his life overwhelming and that by the time he gets home from his temp job, he just wants to switch off, eat food, sleep. It took me a while to understand that he's not just blowing me off, it's that he has trouble functioning, and there's a bunch of stuff he hasn't been doing and needs to take care of. Really basic stuff -- arranging work, school, finding a steady place to live, taking care of a stack of paperwork that's been sitting now for over a year. We talk a lot less often than we did, and I suspect that's just how it'll be.



Summer_Twilight
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21 Apr 2014, 6:36 pm

She does not have kids since she married at age 40 and her husband is in his 50's. I understand that she has gotten into a new routine and so I have had to work myself around her. Now though she decided to turn off the switch in her head to get me out of the picture. In fact I went back to an archived e-mail that she sent me in February. She said that she felt bad about cutting me loose but it was all for the best. She said that it was because of us both being in different seasons of our lives.

I think it's all for her husband due to that insecurity of her's. She is just using the cover story because she does not want me lashing out at him.



MindBlind
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22 Apr 2014, 9:47 am

Well, I've had many friends that I've been close to who later started dating someone. It's only awkward because you have to get to know someone else and if they later on get married, your friendship isn't going to be the same because their priorities have changed. But I don't think its a bad thing. Plus, if the partner becomes your friend as well and they later break up, it cause tension because you want to show loyalty to both of them while also respecting the fact that they both need time apart.

Yeah, its certainly a bit to get used to, but I don't feel possesive over my friends.



Skilpadde
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06 May 2014, 4:50 am

Thankfully it hasn't happened yet. But my ex wanted it to just be us all the time. I was all for spending a lot of time him and me, but I also made it very clear that I wasn't gonna (and didn't wish to) abandon the friends I had then, and neither would he.


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