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The_Face_of_Boo
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05 May 2014, 3:10 pm

^ In your case, his imperfection is perfection in yor eyes, hence why you won't find it.



JP88
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05 May 2014, 3:15 pm

Yeah I'm pretty much getting used to it by now. I'm 22 and I haven't even had a girl in my life in 22 years and while I get depressed when I see friends or other people in public around my age, I'm thinking I will never end up married, let alone with anyone so I'm starting to shift towards focusing on me...my job, being there for my family and friends, being a good uncle to my sister's kids, getting a new car and my own place, and just doing things for myself.

I guess if something comes along, which it would be unexpected, then okay we shall see how it goes.



Eureka13
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05 May 2014, 3:25 pm

Hence why I'm not looking. I *know* there will not be anyone exactly like him anywhere. Until I am able to accept someone different, there's no point in it. Bottom line, I still want HIM. No one else. Even if he had an exact biological clone somewhere in the world, it would still not be HIM because that person would not have the shared history with me.

It's conceivable there's someone out there who's an even better match for me, but at this point in time I would not be interested even if I did happen to meet him, because even if he was a combination of Stephen Hawking's intellect, George Clooney's looks, and Warren Buffett's wealth, he would still not be my late fiance complete with all of the imperfections that made me love him so much.

And perhaps I would never be interested in meeting the Hawkings/Clooney/Buffett guy. I'm sure as hell not perfect, and being with someone who WAS perfect would be too much to live up to.

So, rather than thinking of my late fiance as perfect, I consider that his imperfections meshed almost perfectly with my own imperfections. Viewed that way, it opens up my future options quite a bit. But I'm still not interested in meeting anyone. Not now, maybe never.

Being with the wrong person is MUCH worse than being alone. Been there, done that, got several t-shirts.



onewithstrange
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05 May 2014, 3:25 pm

Maybe it's true that no one's perfect, but perhaps there is such a thing as a partner who is ''perfect for me''.


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Eureka13
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05 May 2014, 3:29 pm

onewithstrange wrote:
Maybe it's true that no one's perfect, but perhaps there is such a thing as a partner who is ''perfect for me''.


^^I agree.



SoftwareEngineer
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05 May 2014, 3:40 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
They are seeking an imaginary holy grail, a perfect man in every way.


That is an interesting statement. My age is 58. In my age group, most women have entirely lost any real interest in men. If they do feel interested, they tend to be avid consumers of romantic fiction, literature or video, and expect a man who would fit in a leading role - they want the same feeling they get from the fictional stories. Whether they are the consumers of great literature or cheesy soap operas, the result is usually the same. I've met women who, by living through characters of romantic fiction, clearly spoiled their comfort with being single, while coincidently spoiling their practicle compatibility with factual men. And, let's not forget, there are some who simply want a guy to provide a roof over their head, with no real interest in the man. There are exceptions, but not many, and those exceptions can be tremendously exceptional, however you have a better chance of finding a needle in a haystack on a day when snow falls in Hell.

High functioning autistics tend not to get stuck in ruts - we actively develop a wide variety of interests which we explore at infinitum. So, finding a good match, nerotypical or autistic, for active sharing can be tough. Although, in a way, it would be nice to have a women sitting next to me studying the history of fennel as used in ancient Roman pork dishes, while I design one-way barometric vents for a balanced flow-through evaporative cooling system to install in my home - that's not likely. And, for Neurotypicals? At my age, most neurotypicals just watch the flowers in their garden grow. Well, they may also drive around to see how other people's flowers are growing.

All things considered, an independent home life isn't bad at all - as they say, "A man's home is his refuge." Let's not rule out limited relationships, which seem to be rising in popularity and acceptance. Adapting an old saying, "Why commingle with the cow, when you can have the milk, and you each can have your own separate barn? Tying back to the OP's original question, adjusting to a happy and fulfilling single lifestyle can be a very good and positive thing. And, that adjustment can be part of a very good strategy serving all phases of your life.



Eureka13
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05 May 2014, 3:57 pm

^^Just out of curiosity, why would the woman be studying something on her own and not working with you on the design of the one-way vents?



SoftwareEngineer
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05 May 2014, 4:32 pm

Eureka13 wrote:
^^Just out of curiosity, why would the woman be studying something on her own and not working with you on the design of the one-way vents?


That would be nice. I've been around numerous autistic people, which includes women. Sometimes, an autistic people will adopt a common interest, such as games or passive entertainment. However, autistics tend to independently adopt developmental interests, such as areas of cooking, mechanics, etc.

Personally, I make flavored coffees by flavoring the beans myself. Then, I make cappuccino in a machine with a retro-fitted filter. I mix milk with egg white substitute and spices and use that to make lattes. Who else would want to join my coffee experiment. And, I won't detail the pizzas I make from scratch or my charcoal I soak with carmalized onion infused lard for flavoring steaks.

And, I have a 1966 Corvair I will convert to electricity. Plus, I have a 1970 Mercury Cyclone GT with a 429, which I'm going to modify for high performance. How often do you find an electric car buff who doesn't hate race cars from the 70's. Who will join me?

If you want, I can expand on the vents. However, please let it suffice that I have solar panels and the flow-through evaporative cooling system installed and working. The vents duct cool air into my attic. So, when the outside temp was 114 last summer, my attic was 88, instead of the usual 140 to 160. During summer in Arizona, my home feels like a perfect day in San Diego. I pay less than $16/month grid tie fee, while my neighbors pay $500 to $800. And, my neighbors and most of my friends think I'm nuts - they spend their money on granite counter tops. Autistics develop in very unique ways, which is good. But, there are issues.

And, to be shamelessly truthful, I found out Romans actually liked fennel more than oregano. Italian cooking is actually quite different than ancient Roman. So, I studied the use of fennel in ancient Roman pork recipes.

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Porketta-Roast/

Post Edit: I made porketta and cooked it in my Webber Kettle using charcoal soaked as described above. Plus, I threw in some hickory chips. It was good. Last time, I used fresh garlic cloves, but in the future I may try green garlic shoots. My next home will include an herb garden in the kitchen lit naturally through a sky light. And, I'll build the sky light with a special film that allows only the light needed for the herbs to grow. Get the idea. Oh, and it will have a sliding window to keep cats out. But, I am planning another terrarium to grow catnip. That will probably be next to the biological digester connected to the aquarium. After a long day of projects, I hit the sack, which will be a water bed with water having the same mass density as a human being, adjusted by adding epsom salt to the water. Well, if you didn't get the idea before, you do now.



Last edited by SoftwareEngineer on 05 May 2014, 5:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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05 May 2014, 4:55 pm

Eureka13 wrote:
^^Just out of curiosity, why would the woman be studying something on her own and not working with you on the design of the one-way vents?


Seriously, imagine living with a guy who has a great time using an infra red sensing thermometer to measure the temperatures of his ceilings. Sure! Let's make a couple of cinnamon lattes and enjoy and evening of thermal data collection. Later that evening, we might get a warm and fuzzy feeling from sharing in a finite difference heat transfer analysis.

BTW, I was going to put extra insulation in my attic, but with the reduced attic temps, the insulation would not be worth the effort or cost. My neighbors are trying to save up money for insulation, but there utility bills are so high, so they can't afford to. And, they think I'm a nut - well, in a way I am. But, it's a good kind of nuts. Or, better said, a beneficial kind of nuts.



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05 May 2014, 4:59 pm

onewithstrange wrote:
[I] can't help feeling that I'm missing out.


The reason I want to get a girlfriend is because my parents treat me like I'm helpless. Everything I've done has always been dictated because of autism and I don't want to be controlled because of that any longer. They don't seem to understand me at all and I secretly suspect they don't think I'm going to marry anyone, much less, have kids of my own. I never felt like I had my own decision and that they want me kept this way because they don't feel like I can make the decision for myself.

One day I'll prove them wrong.


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Eureka13
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05 May 2014, 5:12 pm

SoftwareEngineer wrote:
Eureka13 wrote:
^^Just out of curiosity, why would the woman be studying something on her own and not working with you on the design of the one-way vents?


Seriously, imagine living with a guy who has a great time using an infra red sensing thermometer to measure the temperatures of his ceilings. Sure! Let's make a couple of cinnamon lattes and enjoy and evening of thermal data collection. Later that evening, we might get a warm and fuzzy feeling from sharing in a finite difference heat transfer analysis.

BTW, I was going to put extra insulation in my attic, but with the reduced attic temps, the insulation would not be worth the effort or cost. My neighbors are trying to save up money for insulation, but there utility bills are so high, so they can't afford to. And, they think I'm a nut - well, in a way I am. But, it's a good kind of nuts. Or, better said, a beneficial kind of nuts.


LOL! Sounds like fun to me - I've had a lot of fun with my infrared thermometer measuring temperatures around my house. The inside of my woodstove can get up to 1400dF+. The temperature differential between my tile floor and sheetrock ceiling in mid-winter is rarely more than about 12dF, so my house is doing alright, insulation-wise.

Anything to do with wheeled vehicles is at or near the top of my special interest list.

You lost me at fennel, though - I'm deathly allergic to it. :)



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05 May 2014, 5:20 pm

BeggingTurtle wrote:
onewithstrange wrote:
[I] can't help feeling that I'm missing out.


The reason I want to get a girlfriend is because my parents treat me like I'm helpless. Everything I've done has always been dictated because of autism and I don't want to be controlled because of that any longer. They don't seem to understand me at all and I secretly suspect they don't think I'm going to marry anyone, much less, have kids of my own. I never felt like I had my own decision and that they want me kept this way because they don't feel like I can make the decision for myself.

One day I'll prove them wrong.


This is an entirely different issue. I've had family, friends, and coworkers attempt to magnify my limited disability into total disability. I ended up with a BS and MS in computer science and a real career. A lot of people like me don't. I'm currently writing about that. I need to run some errands, but I'll write up something for you. In short, I was functionally illiterate until I was 23, everyone tried to "help" me understand how talented, but worthless I was, and I still made it. Self perceptions inflicted by others can be much worse than real disabilities. It'll take about a day to write up. In the meantime, please check out my resume, the resume of a guy who was called a ree-tard and many other things.

http://resume.robbehr.com

I'm actively attempting to change matters.

Regards,
Rob



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05 May 2014, 5:21 pm

Eureka13 wrote:
You lost me at fennel, though - I'm deathly allergic to it. :)


The seeds, leaves, or the entire plant? And, is the same true for anise.



Ferrus91
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05 May 2014, 5:29 pm

Eureka13 wrote:
Oh, how I can relate to this!

I'm currently in "not looking at all" mode, even though my profile is still up. I come across a lot of profiles that I think are interesting, compelling, even, and my only reaction is "meh."

For me I think it's more about that I'm in a place where anyone even a molecule different from my late fiance is not going to cut the mustard. Which means (in my mind) that I'm not even slightly ready yet for another relationship.

I keep hoping I'll make a friend, just a friend, but that doesn't seem to be happening, either. So mostly I don't go on there anymore, unless I happen to receive a nice message that deserves at least a "thanks, but no thanks" response. (The less I log on, the less they show me in searches, so I get fewer and fewer messages the less often I log on...which works nicely for my current purposes.)

With all due respect - but hasn't everyone of your posts since joining here mentioned him one way or another? You seem a long, long way from resolving that hurt, if I'm honest.



Cazz333
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05 May 2014, 5:34 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
I do very much want to be married with a family but I do worry that given my lack of experience at my age, it might be too difficult to have to live with someone else, especially an equal but different partner. I also work alone in my job and make my own decisions so I actually joined a volunteer organization where I will have to learn to take direction from others. I like to lead but I do not want to become a dictator which scares who could be a potential Wife away.

I have a need for a ton of isolation and alone time but I also love to have deep conversations, crave intimacy and want to love someone deeply I also feel very lonely at times since my only friend is someone I plan on ejecting from my life soon. It's a challenge trying to balance the need to be alone with the strong desire to have a close relationship with a woman.


Agreed. I've thrown only one ill friend in my life, one that was younger than my then 11 years. Usually, I have hunger for aloneness not company. The odd spell of loneliness is like sated with a phone or online conversation. The romantic urges are the hardest as I find very few likeable in that way and few like me that way.



Cazz333
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05 May 2014, 5:44 pm

SoftwareEngineer wrote:
Eureka13 wrote:
^^Just out of curiosity, why would the woman be studying something on her own and not working with you on the design of the one-way vents?


That would be nice. I've been around numerous autistic people, which includes women. Sometimes, an autistic people will adopt a common interest, such as games or passive entertainment. However, autistics tend to independently adopt developmental interests, such as areas of cooking, mechanics, etc.

Personally, I make flavored coffees by flavoring the beans myself. Then, I make cappuccino in a machine with a retro-fitted filter. I mix milk with egg white substitute and spices and use that to make lattes. Who else would want to join my coffee experiment. And, I won't detail the pizzas I make from scratch or my charcoal I soak with carmalized onion infused lard for flavoring steaks.

And, I have a 1966 Corvair I will convert to electricity. Plus, I have a 1970 Mercury Cyclone GT with a 429, which I'm going to modify for high performance. How often do you find an electric car buff who doesn't hate race cars from the 70's. Who will join me?

If you want, I can expand on the vents. However, please let it suffice that I have solar panels and the flow-through evaporative cooling system installed and working. The vents duct cool air into my attic. So, when the outside temp was 114 last summer, my attic was 88, instead of the usual 140 to 160. During summer in Arizona, my home feels like a perfect day in San Diego. I pay less than $16/month grid tie fee, while my neighbors pay $500 to $800. And, my neighbors and most of my friends think I'm nuts - they spend their money on granite counter tops. Autistics develop in very unique ways, which is good. But, there are issues.

And, to be shamelessly truthful, I found out Romans actually liked fennel more than oregano. Italian cooking is actually quite different than ancient Roman. So, I studied the use of fennel in ancient Roman pork recipes.


Just saying I find that all interesting. I'm a Data pattern analyst, ancient Roman historian, electronic engineer and yes I'd to make the house I'll buy solar heated and well insulated. I'm sick of high energy bills, cold and hot houses and cramped design. Small and spacious with a tiny garden is my ideal.