Does anyone who lives in a big city think people are rude?

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Last September, I started college again in Toronto, so I've been spending most of my time there (up until about 2 weeks ago when exams ended. I wasn't able to find an affordable apartment, so I had to travel).
So many people have piss-poor manners. They cough without covering their mouth, they chew with their mouth open, talk loudly on their cell phone on the bus or subway, they push and shove to get on or off the bus or subway, they stand right in front of the doors and don't let people off the bus, subway or elevators before trying to push their way in, or staring at me. (I've noticed that people stare at me a lot. I don't know why. There was one particularly rude woman who continued to stare at me even after I stared back at her for a few seconds. She stared at me for probably 5 minutes, maybe longer. I ignored her after she didn't stop staring when I stared back at her). And there are probably a lot I'm forgetting.

I see people doing a few or all of these things every single day, and it pisses me off so much. It bothers me a lot less if I put my noise cancelling earbuds in, listen to my MP3 player, and ignore everyone, but when I wear them for a long time, I have to constantly keep pushing them back into my ears so they don't fall out.

Does anyone else live in a big city and people's poor manners drive you nuts? Do you have ways of dealing with rude people, instead of just letting it slide when they do things like push you or stare at you? A lot of the time, I want to say something to them, but I don't know what to say without sounding like a bratty kid.

You need to develop a thousand-yard-stare for people who stare at you. Imagine using your eyes to telekinetically absorb the entire contents of their brain, that's what I usually do. To be honest, sometimes it does exactly that. In any case, it MAKES them remember what their mothers said.

As for people shoving you around, a simple sarcastic "excuse me" or "gimme a break" is a plenty harmless way of calling people out. Keep in mind they haven't any right to bruise people up out of passive-aggression on their daily commutes.

On my bike, when drivers steal my lane I knock on their fenders. Scares them half to death, and it really beats becoming a hood ornament. iPhones are a BIG culprit in all this, particularly concerning drivers, so I use my same stare technique for those morons who feather their brakes at crosswalks, or I just shake my head. Sooner or later they'll do the same thing in a very stupid place and learn their lesson, generally by loosing a bumper or nine in parking garages.

Yes, I live in London and I have many of the same concerns as you do, as people do those same things here too. In addition, there is something really WEIRD going on in London about the way people share the pavement -- or rather, they don't...

When I was young growing up here, I remember a time when Londoners, even on crowded streets, managed to do a kind of dance with each other without even thinking about it, where people would just unconsciously move aside and choose a trajectory that allowed someone coming toward them space to pass to the side of them.

These days, that has completely disappeared! People now stick to their trajectory no matter what, even IF there is plenty of space to share on the pavement/sidewalk!! They will not veer aside when you are heading toward them. They will hog the whole space centrally, so that YOU have to either get your shoulder pushed by theirs as you pass, if you stay on the path, or you have to step off the path if you want to maintain a small cushion of airspace!

Whatever happened to the concept of everyone having a mental "bubble" of personal space that they strive to maintain -- and respect in others -- as long as there is physical space to do so?

I was an ex pat for a long time, and my return shocked me, because of how this respect for physical personal space among strangers passing on a street had changed. People are rude, walk in a huge group across the whole pathway, do not drop into single file for an oncoming person, instead expecting them to just step into the damn traffic or get shoulder bumped or squished against a wall.

I've seized upon your thread to vent about this because I cannot TELL you how pissed off I am by this stuff -- it never fails to shock me, as I actually know this is a new development here. Nobody in London has ANY concept of personal space out in public. People crowd you and bump you and stand RIGHT AGAINST YOU even in the supermarket checkout.

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I don't live in a big city, but I have noted this when I have spent extended visits in cities.

Boston was the first place I noticed "city manners" (or lack thereof): people shoving past you on the street without saying "excuse me", staring (or rather, glaring!) at me, or ignoring my presence altogether, even if I am trying to engage them to ask a question etc. The summer I lived in London, I observed a lot of the same. On the Tube one day, a young man was sitting when an elderly woman struggled to get on the car. She found a place to stand near him but although he looked directly at her, he didn't offer his seat. This surprised me. I was across the aisle, and stood from my own seat and offered it to the older woman, but she gave me a rather venomous glance as if I had offered her poison and replied sharply, "No!" and before I could sit again, a businessman shoved me aside and took my seat!! ! It was stunning to me. And forget about asking questions, getting directions, etc.: "Excuse me please, where is the..." will get you an incredibly terse and annoyed response--if any response is forthcoming at all.

I observed much of the same sort of coarseness when I visited my sister in New York. It was explained to me that people in cities need to create their own distance from others (psychological space where the physical is impossible) and the aloof attitude is a part of this. I can certainly understand that need, but I don't think it has ever caused me to consciously abandon manners and etiquette, nor have I found that following polite behavior has really made me feel that my personal space is being invaded. In fact, using manners feels as if I am establishing an appropriate boundary: acknowledging the other person, but setting the parameters for the degree to which I wish to interact. If my reply is kind but concise, the other person generally has no need to bother me further, and if they do, it is not difficult to politely request privacy. But perhaps that is because my mother took great pains to impress this upon me when still a child, and it is now habitual...

i live in a city well known for rude unfriendly locals. but i've been here just about my whole life and i'm used to it and kinda oblivious to those around me except there noise. i've always gotten stared at though. that i notice at restaurants. especially if my cousin's there and yells "wtf are you starring at!" lulz

I was born in Newfoundland, which is probably one of the warmest, friendliest places on Earth. It was quite an adjustment to me to see how rude people in general were on "the mainland", especially in cities. Where I lived, you never knocked on anyone's door before visiting, you always offered supper or a place to stay to visitors and you talked to other people's children just like your own. In short, it was expected you automatically help someone out in need especially seniors and children. It was quite a shock to how 'normal' Canadians acted and how relatively cold and distant they were to strangers. I've since adjusted but at the time it was quite surprising how being polite was viewed with so much suspicion.

The worst place I ever visited for rude people was not a big city but the French island of St. Pierre just off Newfoundland. For a small (6,000) community, the locals were unbelievably rude and unfriendly, drove like absolute lunatics considering how small and cramped the town is and I was especially blown away at the incredibly nasty attitudes of shop owners, even when I tried spoke their language. They acted like it was a hassle to sell something to you. Toronto (and Montreal) were FAR friendlier than that even in the worst neighborhoods! Maybe I was just spoiled by being imparted with Newfoundland hospitality at an early age.

One of the main reasons that people are often unnecessarily-rude in large urban cities is because they know that they're probably never going to see the person again. Large cities usually have a sense of anonymity that medium-size and small ones lack.

It's similar to the concept of an "internet tough guy" except they very briefly see the other person just once IRL instead of never.

I'm a New Yorker, so I'm probably used to what others might perceive as being "rude."

People are very paranoid on the subway, like nowhere else. Anyone who is not sitting with headphones or reading the newspaper is viewed with suspicion.

Truly, I believe most people are "rude" when they have to rush to catch a train or bus. There is a mighty fear of being late for work or an appointment. At other times, New Yorkers could even be accommodating to someone who is lost, caring when someone is hurt (except when someone is mugged--that paranoia rears its ugly head again), and polite in conversation.

What I would do is bring headphones, books, or the paper, and just don't look ahead on the subway. I don't folow that credo, because I'm a lifelong NYer--but people who are not used to New York should follow it.

I don't see many rude people here. I have seen some offensive people like this one guy spitting on the train and it was so disgusting I wanted to tell him"That is so gross, do that outside or in a tissue" but I bit my tongue because I don't know what he could do to me for not minding my own business. That is something for the fare inspector to handle or security. We do have some tailgaters here but not many and no one shoves their way through and only time they did was when a train broke down so we had to use shuttle buses and everyone was shoving and pushing each other and crowding to get on and I realized that was the only way you were ever going to get on the bus so I had to join the crowd because I had to get to work and I was already late. I knew the same thing would happen again with the next shuttle and I wouldn't be able to get on if I was following the social rule of being patient and not shoving anyone or crowding or invading personal space to get on. So I did break the rule there like everyone else because I was so desperate to get to work.

When Mom and I visited Paris, there was only one area where people were rude. We were stared at with looks and I was ignored when I wanted to buy a cookie, Mom and I walked into a cafe to eat and I was talking and this customer said "Ugh Anglious" and started talking and the lady behind the counter snickered. Luckily they served us but they were unfriendly according to my mother. We would have left but I was hungry and she didn't want to deal with my attitude that was caused by hunger. I said to my mother afterwards if that was the area Americans always visited that made them assume everyone in the city are rude people and they never went anywhere else in the area like we have. Mom had always heard stories that people in Paris are very rude but we had the opposite experience despite being in that one area where lot of people were rude, but everywhere else, everyone was polite.

People in small towns act the same way, only there are just fewer people to deal with overall so it doesn't seem as bad. But in a way it's worse because they seem to feel even more entitled to claim personal space since there are fewer people.

They walk around in public places as if they can't see anyone else in front of them. They will literally run you off the sidewalk just staring straight ahead like you're not even there.

If a group of people are together talking, walking down the sidewalk or standing around in a grocery store, they block passage and become totally oblivious to anyone else around them. But hey people who are so friendly and chatty couldn't possibly be rude could they? /sarcasm And when you say "excuse me" they just stare at you, like how dare you expect them to move.

I don't use public transportation, it is not even available where I live, except in one town 25 miles away. But drivers have the same pushing and shoving behaviors on the road and it is much more dangerous that way. They will tailgate you very closely and then almost run you off the road so they can pass in a no passing zone...all because you are only going 10 mph over the speed limit and they've just got to beat you to the next red light half a mile away. They will even turn around to grin as they pass you.

At 4-way stop signs a lot of drivers don't even look around to see when it's their turn to go. Some don't even come to a full stop, they just lightly hit their brakes and keep going.

Drivers hit people on bicycles and drive off like it never happened, and I mean that happens pretty frequently, not once in awhile. I know of one cyclist who was very lucky he only got knocked flat on the pavement unconscious and with a black eye, whereas a friend of his ended up in a coma.

People who work in food service around here typically have poor hygiene. They will touch their hair or their nose, or handle money or trash or god only knows what else right before they serve food, without washing their hands or putting on gloves. It clearly doesn't even occur to them that they are doing something wrong because they do it right out in the open. It makes you wonder what else is happening to the food that you DON'T see (and people wonder why I'm so picky about restaurants!)

But on the other hand, when people do try to be polite they do it in such an exaggerated and clueless way that it fails miserably...like when a man insists on holding a door open for a woman and makes a huge fuss over it so he can tell everyone how his momma raised him to be that way. Or when he has to make such a contorted effort to hold the door, that he basically just blocks the doorway with his body so you can barely squeeze through anyway.

Or when a driver holds up a lane of traffic to let another driver out of a driveway, when that other driver couldn't possibly proceed anytime soon because of traffic coming up the other lanes. But they just keep waiting and gesturing to the other driver to go.

People act about the same way everywhere, with some variations depending on local culture and population size but the underlying behavior is basically the same. I think even when people believe the place they live in or come from is more polite or friendly than other places, it's because they are used to it and they don't see it the way an outsider would. I just see every place or community or group as an outsider.

Yes, that's another thing that pisses me off. I take a coach bus home (since I have to travel to Toronto for school), and sometimes when I'm standing in line, the person behind me is pressed right up against my back.
When I'm at school, they have long benches all along the hallways on one end of every hallway because it's all glass on that side of the building. I usually sit there to eat my lunch or study or whatever. There is always someone who will come and sit practically right on top of my stuff, even though the rest of the bench is empty. Or they'll stand there, gabbing with their friends, and stand with their butt in my face, or their backpack in my face. And when I'm walking in the hallway and I pass by someone, they walk so close to me that they almost bump into me, even though the entire hallway is empty. Or if they're walking towards me on the same side of the hallway, they keep going straight (as if they don't even see me) and expect me to move out of their way. I've even had people push me on the stairs at the subway station. I felt like turning around and saying "are you mental? Are you trying to make me fall and break my neck?"
I've also noticed that this lack of respect for other people's personal space is a recent phenomenon. It wasn't like this 10 years ago.

Me too, but I've lived in Ontario for 28 years, so I'm used to everyone not being as friendly as people are in Newfoundland, but I have never encountered people as incredibly rude as in Toronto, anywhere, ever before.

I've noticed that too. Not that it was never like this before but it's become a lot more pervasive and blatant.

Sociologists have related this to density: ie as the number of people per square mile increases, interpersonal distance between people increases, along with hostile behaviours like rudeness.

I understand that it could be prohibitively expensive for you, but in case it's not, you can feel free to PM me if you'd like some help finding a cheap commuter car. Among my friends I do most of the craigslisting and mechanical advice, since I don't charge. Sounds like it would be worth it for your peace of mind alone if you could afford it...

This is precisely the phenomenon my advice is structured around.