So I told an aspie I like him...

Post Reply New Topic

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum and would like to ask for some help on figuring out a few things regarding an aspie guy I started developing romantic feeling for. About a year ago I got out of an emotionally abusive long term relationship with a man I've been with for over a decade. I was depressed for a while and turned to online gaming for some relief. I have a few people who I became friends over the years through gaming, but I have never consider them romantically.

This all changed about four months ago when a friend of mine who I have been gaming with for two years started acting really funny around me. He's usually quiet from what I remember, but on several occasions he would act somewhat like an elitist around my other gaming friends. It bothered me when I felt he was hurting other people's feelings. And really, until about four months ago I was really irritated at how inconsiderate he act some times.

One day when we were playing a game he started acting really weird. He began serenading me and our other friends who were in the same game with us. He pretty much followed me around the entire game. We all had a good laugh and jokingly chalk it up to him being drunk or high on meds.

To simplify things, that was only the beginning of his transformation that lead me to see him in a very different light. We played several other games together after his "crazy caroling". And I started to notice in almost every game we played together he's always asking in game whether or not I am alright, or if I need help etc. It was totally not the same elitist guy I knew in the years past. He was actually showing concern for someone else other than himself and this intrigued me.

One day he said some thing that got another friend of ours really mad and the person deleted him from his friendlist. We were playing a game together that day and he told us that he misses "said friend" and what he said to the guy, that got him mad was only the truth and he should not have to apologize for speaking the truth.

I explained to him that what he said really hurt the other guy's feeling and asked him was it worth it to destroy a 5 years long friendship he had with him? That was when he unveiled to us, he has a form of autism and was diagnosed with asperger a few years back.

I really hated to see their friendship end because we've all been playing games together on weekends for several years. So I did a little research on asperger syndrome and learned that his condition is probably the reason why he can be such a "jerk" to people sometimes. I made it my mission to help both of my friends patch things up.

Around the same time, I realize I was starting to develop a crush on him. I know it may appear silly to many neurotypicals that I equate his kindness and concern in-game for me as something substantial and endearing. But I would like to believe that, since he has aseperger and is fixated on games, that perhaps this is a realistic way for him to show that he cares for someone.

After much consideration, I finally worked up the courage to tell him that I have a crush on him and that he is a really funny and nice person who a lot of people misunderstood. Unfortunately, he didn't respond to my confession and what's worse is, for two days he practically avoided any games I was playing.

On the fourth day he signed on he immediately invited me to play a game with him, but there was no mention about my confession. So being the neurotypical girl I am, I took it as, his way of telling me "I like gaming with you, but I let's not talk about you crushing on me, because that makes me uncomfortable. I don't feel the same way about you and I like you too much as a friend to hurt your feelings"

And so, I left it at that, we continued to game together for the next few months and the whole me confessing I had a crush on him wasn't brought up again.

About two weeks ago his psu died and he was not online for almost a week. I really miss having him around so I would leave him messages on his page about how much we miss him. I was hoping he would be able to read it some how. But, I wasn't expecting him to sign on for at least another two weeks.

Then that weekend after I left him the message. He logged in and immediately messaged me and said "hi". He also told me he had to take apart several broken laptops to put together a working one so that he may log on. We talked briefly about a few games that are of interest to us.

And then out of no where he said to me... "BTW I need to apologize"
me: "for what?"
him: "You revealed your feelings for me and I didn't give you a proper answer"
him: "I guess the easiest way to put this is, I really like you as a friend, and really respect you"
him: "With that said, it wouldn't be fair to you unless I get to know you better"
me: "oh it's ok,, I understand, I was pretty scared of the feelings I have for you. I've been hurt in the past before and so romantic feelings are somewhat scary now and I don't want to get hurt" (already thinking he was letting me down nicely)

him: "oh I understand, well however you feel about me, I will always love you and be your friend"
(long pause)
me: WAIT A MINUTE WHAT?!?
him: Yea...I can't love someone unless I think of them as my best friend, and you are amazing."
me: O.o HUHHH? WHAT? You mean you have romantic feelings for me?!?
him: Yea of course I do, I guess I am scared too.heh

Ok so I'll leave it at that, because our conversation pretty much lasted the entire night after that, and I was acutally late for work the next morning. :/

I apologize for the length of my post, but here is my question to you. Do aspie typically understand love the way neurotypicals do? It seems to me my crush believes that loving a friend is the same as loving someone romantically. I don't know how to proceed with this, as I am totally confused about how he perceive love and romantic relationships. I am afraid he may not truly understand what love is.

One last thing I want to mention is before I fell for him, I didn't know he was 22 years old. I had to remind him again and again that I am at least 8 years older than him, and he may not feel the same way about me in the future.

His reply was, "if we can choose who we fall in love with, it wouldn't be magical, and quite frankly I don't think my feelings will ever change for you...unless you're a man...then that would be weird but I would still love you as a friend"

Ok I'll stop here, I will come back with more details later, but I hope some of you could help me figure him out. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks

Last edited by Snail11 on 05 May 2014, 1:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

my husband is my best friend. the best romantic relationships are based on friendship plus attraction. he may not be confused at all.

I don't think that most of us on the Autism Spectrum like to rigidly define any of our relationships. A girl I will probably love as long as I'm still breathing I consider simply a 'friend' *understatement of century* because my bizarre life hasn't provided the context to see her in any new light. We tend to think that love & friendship are one and the same because that would be a damn good way to bring about world peace, would it not?

Your post reads like your own life has provided you a wonderful basis on which to interpret your friend's emotional life. I wish you all the best.

Maybe he is trying to express he does like you, but he's not ready to be in a relationship so would prefer to get to know you better and isn't sure exactly where it will go...have you ever met them in person or just online so far? I could be wrong but that's one idea that comes to mind. I recently had to tell a guy that, he asked if I wanted to date it took me a while to figure out what to say and then I told him I think we should hang out as friends more and get to know each other better before we consider that.

Yes, here on the autism spectrum we take an inordinately long time to warm up to people. Fortunately you certainly aren't someone difficult to accomplish this around.

To answer your question as simply as possible, you are correct.

I don't really understand what romantic love is. To me, it's just a glorified form of friendship. I can't have romantic feelings for anyone I wouldn't already consider a friend, and I've also had romantic feelings for every female I've considered to be a friend. To me, they're kinda one in the same. I can't differentiate between the two.

None of us, autistic or not, should ever be forced to draw that line in the sand. Love is the diametric opposite of differentiation.

I see where you're coming from. What I want to get across though is the way neurotypicals see love, there is a distinction between love for a friend versus love for someone you are romantically interested in. We we care and feel love for our friends in a way that is not as intimate as the kind of love and care we feel towards a romantic interest.



hmm, interesting. Does this mean you take a romantic interest in any girl who is a friend? Regardless of whether or not you already have another romantic interest or that you are already in a relationship?

At least for guys like me, I can't speak for all of us, it's not terribly difficult to understand the social differences between the wider concept of love and the ideals of romance, however love to me is something I see as a permeating field. Star Wars eat your heart out. Where love is in absence, awful things usually happen, often within ourselves (again, irrespective of neurology).

Only the most fortunate among us find opportunities to see beyond institutions lacking in love from a young age.

You're pretty cool, so I love you too. We desperately wish we could simplify things further, than I CAN say for everyone here.

Love is probably made of Neutrinos.

What he said was "I can't love someone unless I see them as my best friend".

What he didn't say was "When I love someone, my feelings are just like they are for a best friend ".

Feeling like someone is his best friend is necessary if he is to love them, but not necessarily sufficient.

I don't see the problem, go date him already.

It's all in our heads. Everybody.

He has romantic feelings for you, but he needs you to be his best friend before he is able to actually date you. This is why he needs to get to know you better. He wants to make you his best friend first before he moves forward. He also might have a lack of dating experience.

What's going on inside of my head: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWE. When I read what he wrote, I think of it as romantic.

I think of love in a different way, I think. I do the typical girl thing and say "I love you", but I also realize it's just a chemical reaction. I don't think a chemical reaction invalidates feelings, though. I tend to think of of in a deeper way than others. I also need someone to be my best friend before I am with them.

My husband, if you ask him about love, will say things like, "It's just caring for someone." He doesn't make a distinction between caring for an animal or caring for his wife. He doesn't think of it on a deeper level like some people, but he has more words to say about "caring" than about "love". He is also autistic.

Last edited by bleh12345 on 05 May 2014, 7:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

I so hate this Awww expression.

I'm sorry, Boo. I guess I'm a "typical" woman in that respect.

To answer your question, no we have never met in person before. He lives 5 hours away from me and if this proceed to something more, it would be a long distance relationship. I wasn't sure if he was joking but he did said a few times he would like to pass by my place and play games with my brothers and I.

He also jokingly sent me a photo of a weight lifter and said to me imagine me with that body and Brad Pitt's face. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. I responded by telling him that I wasn't into him for his looks but rather for the person he is, I was drawn to him by his intelligence and understated kindness that a lot of people miss.

Now, here is the next question I have. How are we suppose to "get to know each other" when he hardly ever initiate conversation with me? I initiate 90% of our chats and I am starting to feel as though I am being annoying and clingy when I do this. Any inputs? Thanks girls and guys your response have been very enlightening.