Self Esteem - you are not worthless!

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I had a rough time as a teenager. On top of all my existing problems with social skills, I was suddenly having to worry about many other things on top - like this "sex" thing that everyone was going on about, and the prospect of university, and the nagging concern that I still didn't have a career planned out. (I'm now in my mid thirties, and I still don't have a career. Turns out you don't need one.)

At sixteen, I was seriously messed up. I hated myself, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, I couldn't cope with anything and I just wanted everything to end. And then I made a decision. I didn't want to feel like this any more. I decided to stop hating myself and start loving myself instead - after all, that's what the weird kid in the mirror needed.

It was a slow process and there were quite a few bumps along the way, but several years later I was already much happier. I now have a job, a mortgage, a partner and a cat. None of this seemed possible back then.

Now I hope my experience can help others to change their own lives:
http://freedom-muse.com/2014/05/05/self-esteem/

Good.

I know a lot of NT people who are in their 40's and 50's and have never had an actual career, but just been stuck in a job they wouldn't really choose to do if they had a choice, but was just in that job for the money and not for the actual knowledge or interest. So I don't worry too much about that. I do worry more about my social status, because the majority of people around me do have a better social status than me and I feel left out if I am not doing all the things they get to do because they have the right friends to do things with.

But I have been on Sertraline for a month, and fortunately it has actually got rid of my soul-destroying depression, and has even boosted my self-esteem too. Before I went on meds, I was so swallowed up in my emotions and no matter how much I tried to do things that were supposed to make me feel better (including CBT and many other things), I still felt like crap, and even if things did help it only helped temporarily, and then I was back to feel desperately depressed and worthless again, and those bad feelings were just too powerful for me to stop myself from feeling that way. I was even beginning to think of suicide, and I kept having more frequent angry outbursts and even started hitting myself in the head and getting myself into a state. But since I have gone on the meds, I have felt better more or less straight away, and haven't looked back since. I don't feel outbursts coming on, and the things that used to make me feel depressed now just go over my head and something in me just automatically says ''I don't care'' and I can just move on. And my head is much clearer, and I even feel quite content with my life. Yes I am rather bored with my life but I am not miserable with it. If I'm doing something on my own, I don't feel miserably isolated any more like I used to. I know it's the meds that are helping me to feel better about myself, rather than the miserable, angry, self-loathing problem I used to be.

It's so nice to not be a member who goes on to WP crying in pain about my life. Instead I'm just quite neutral. I still dislike having Asperger's, but I don't think about it as much as I used to. The meds just make all those thoughts be quiet so that I can focus better on life's more important matters what everybody else focuses on, rather than all the stuff I used to keep panicking about.

I just recently came a similar place: I spiralled into this awful depression in the past seven months, hating myself for my disability and for being unable to contribute to society; feeling worthless. What's weird is that I did just like you said a little while ago: I simply decided to stop hating myself. I'm surprised that that was even possible, since I "decided" to stop being depressed months ago and that didn't do anything whatsoever. But depression is an illness and hating oneself is an activity. One that I am no longer participating in.

I disallow myself any negative self-talk, and if I catch myself thinking something like "I'm so ugly" or "because I'm a failure," I correct myself now, thinking to myself: "No, I am beautiful, and I have accomplished many things, I am not a failure." I'm surprised how much of my self-hate was "just" negative self-talk (I use quotes because it was actually a huge force in my life).

Companies don't work for people OR the planet, organisms do. My parents used to tell me EVERY DAY about how I was taking ages to get a "real job", when in fact I have been working to build highly secure, advanced software for everyone to use the entire time.

NEVER let people tell you the only meaning of work is to acquire greed.

cberg, i love what you just said.

Wha...? It's NOT???

Most of the stuff people seem to get with their careers are things I don't want anyway...I already have all of the "things" I really wanted - a thermos of coffee, an old pickup truck, a cat and a plaid work shirt. (Well, and food...pants...internet...all that other stuff...)

That's very inspirational, thanks

It does not work for all. I like myself, always have. Never had self hatred problems. People just delude themselves into believing I have self hating tendencies when I don't. They envision this messed up person sitting here harming myself, eating junk food, doing drugs, drinking or whatever whilst being filled with self loathing.

This is not actually how I live.

I am just expressive. Open with my feelings and very honest about them....just because I talk openly about how I feel and my frustrations that does not mean I am sat here in a complete mess unable to care for myself.

Perhaps others get like that when they are hurt but I am a little more resilient.

Firstly I don't believe in worthlessness...and don't care to measure a life in that way> I have more respect for the processes of life and life itself for that. I feel that seeing a life as worthless devalues it and reduces it down to nothing. Life didn't have to happen at all and yet people are so ungrateful for it. I find it quite shocking and upsetting actually and don't wish to adopt such a way of thinking myself. Ergo if worthlessness does not exist for me, neither does worth and so the whole way of thinking is moot. I have a completely different one that does not use either those concepts (obviously as you cannot have one without the other).

Secondly why would you want to indulge in behaviours that would make things worse such as drinking, smoking, eating junk food, harming yourself? Are you all masochistic or something? Do you enjoy increasing your suffering? I have never understood this. My impulse is to ease my pain in a gentle and kind way (in my case usually by venting in a general way (no names) so as not to hurt anyone whilst giving me relief and a chance to explore my thinking. However I am not allowed to explore my thoughts as people panic, take things too literally and over react. I don't think they understand what I am doing...that I am just letting my thoughts run freely with a view to analysing them later. It helps to express them by writing them down in the meantime or sometimes it's just about needing to talk them out to instead).

I had no idea people would misinterpret me so badly over the years. I thought someone would understand what I was doing by trying to release my feelings and thoughts about things without thinking I was sat at home hating on myself and running around out of control.

The most I do these days is a bit of yelling therapy...I find it helps me release emotional pain in a way that does not harm anyone. I forget to muffle it with a pillow though and I think the neighbours think I have gone mad with all the yelling I do some days.

I have control over it though. If someone knocked on the door I'd immediately stop and smile at them whilst saying hi in a pleasant tone of voice. When I used to hit my head during a bad patch after coming off antidepressants I thought it might be an autistic meltdown but the head hitting does not always occur (rarely now if at all and I never head hit before medication although I did have tantrums as a child due to sensitivity issues) it makes me wonder if it is more of a odd stress response. If it were a meltdown I wouldn't stop it on cue when someone else suddenly appeared.

I only do it when I think I am alone and no one can hear me usually unless I momentarily forget where I am and I rarely if ever shout at anyone.

It sounds too controlled to me to be an autistic meltdown. I don't think they can be stopped like that just because a sales man called. But they are not tantrums either as they are done as a form of releasing pain and are not to do with manipulation (how can I use them to manipulate when they happen when I am alone. If I were using them for manipulation I'd put on a show in public).

I think the world does not understand my methods. And yet if I were to beat myself up emotionally, drink, get high, act dangerously I'd probably be socially cool instead of being seen as the local mad person because I am more expressive than people think I should be when it comes to releasing my feelings.

Another reason I think humanity is mad. it prefers forms of stress relief that are harmful and dangerous over forms that are weird/loud/noisy but harmless.

It's just a way of letting it all out...to say what I really wanted to say to all the arse holes that abused me but to which I couldn't say to their face.

The same goes with venting online. Not my fault if people think I am talking about them. I am just getting s**t out of my system.

Oh yeah and it does not help that I don't own much property and have not decorated my house yet. People think I should hate myself for that and keep pitying me. It's becoming laughable in a warped kind of way as:

1 I choose not to have hi tech gadgets. I don't like them and I think they encourage bad habits (lack of exercise, brainwashing by the media and its rubbish, encourages people to buy things they don't really need or that they can't be happy without them, encourages debt, glamourises crime and makes it look enticing/cool/fun, sells that sh***y belief system about worthlessness...and so on...won't have that garbage in my home). Basically I live simply because I want to.

If I want to read I will go to the library for a book.
If I want a movie to watch i will put on a favourite dvd...that way I have more choice about what I am exposed to.
If I want to entertain myself I will go for a walk outside or hit the gym or do any number of things other than spend hours sitting like a sack of potatoes at a computer.

2 I have not decorated because I am unhappy here due to the unfriendly nature of the people and their tendency to jump to conclusions and gossip rather than find out what is going on. I am in enough pain over past abuse and bullying and now I have to put up with being socially avoided because I try to release that pain in as harmless a way as I could. It's disgusting treatment on their behalf and shows a complete lack of empathy and understanding. The support services are not much as help as in stead of helping me work through my pain and ease my social isolation (which does not help matters) they point the finger and label me with one diagnosis after the other. The more labels I have the more people stereotype me and the more they avoid me as the local nutter who must be mentally backwards....the more that happens the more isolated I become, the more pain I experience, the more I express that pain, the more labels I get and so it goes around and around.

Also the more frustrated I am as the more I am treated like someone who can't think for myself. Even my choice to eat paleo is seen as being a manifestation of my so called disorder. I really doubt that choosing to follow the paleo diet and loving what it has done for me in terms of improving my health is a manifestation of any mental disorder at all...but it is seen that way because I am seen as being mentally ill so it must come from my mental illness or my obsession.

Actually I only read what I need to know and understand in order to make the diet work at optimum levels for me. It's called being intelligent, not being obsessed. It is functional, benefits me and is not obscure. I don't spend every minute of every day reading about it. I sit and read some days if I am out at a cafe for coffee. I am just a fast learner. I don't need to spend hours learning material. I can skim read and pick up what I need to know as and when I need to know it. Or I can read more comprehensively and cover the whole book from cover to cover. I indulge in a little bit of both.

People just jump to conclusions. There is nothing for me to hate myself for. I am not the one who doesn't try to understand things of look after myself. They are.

The only reason I am alone is due to human ignorance and its tendency to interfere with my ability to find a compatible mate. I do tend to attract people who are not compatible with me because they keep jumping to conclusions about me without checking their facts. it soon becomes apparent that the relationship cant work because we want completely different things in life and have incompatible personalities and interests as well. I have gone out of my way to be kind, understanding, loving and fair towards the people in my life...I have done no wrong and hurt no one.

I have made mistakes but mistakes are a natural part of life. They are just a learning curve. I need to make mistakes sometimes to learn what I need to learn to move forwards. They are not always bad things...it all depends on how you choose to perceive them in many instances.

To hate myself for being human and for not knowing everything would be foolish. Who said one human had to know it all and that there was something wrong with you or you were weak if you didn't always get everything right. Another crummy assumption forged by human culture and society that many believe without question.

Ack society brainwashes people and basically keeps them trapped into a life of slavery by trying to tempt them with the pretty flashing gadget things...you can't be a worthy person without them after all can you? Or can you? Do they define you? Are your possessions all that you are?

I'd rather have skills than possessions unless the possession is a priceless antique. Skills are worth more to me as they can be used to earn money to live on and are always useful for many other things. They are also fun to acquire.

It is also important to be healthy otherwise you be well enough to use those skills that you have been having fun learning and your medical treatments will dry up all of your money.

I also like to get out and about and travel otherwise I just end up going stir crazy stuck in the house feeling lonely all day.

Ergo I channel my funds in the health and education first and foremost, not on making the house look pretty or on technology I just don't need just for the sake of having it to show off. A pretty home can come later when the important things have been catered for.

I just have differently priorities to others. I need to restore my health so that I was well enough to learn skills that I can use to get a decent job and earn a decent income which I will use to buy pretty things for the house with.

Simples see.....

Yet people would still rather believe that I am sat hating on myself because I don't own a wide screen over sized TV ....odd. I don't get why they can't understand my methodology. Oh right yeah, they prefer their gossip and drama. It makes their dull life more exciting if they having something with which to cause trouble.

When I think decor I think more of beige poppy curtains, a matching front room rug and a couple of house plants. The over sized tv can stay at the local electrical store.

And to further my point on not being happy here...I am hoping to move so don't want to spend a fortune on the place for the next tenant. I don't own the place and I don't consider it home due to its lonely location. It's just a pit stop until I can find something better....see the restoring my health so I can acquire more skills to get a decent paid job with part above.

As my mum always used to say...there is a method to my madness.

Once I have finished learning piano...I can charge people money to teach them.
As to my needle crafts I can do my own designs and sell them
I could even open up my own paleo cafe...for people all manner of food intolerances

Or/and I can do some of the above and just go train for a boring old office job or do that temporarily whilst putting my wages towards the cost of finishing my degree.

Something like that anyway.

Thanks for sharing your story. It kind of sounds like me when i was 16 but actually for me things were actually slowly improving academically but not socially, though people did seem inspired by me and my academic performance, they never included me in their social circles. I was often the last to find out about the things happening around class like who was dating whom and things like that. I never dated and still have never dated in my life though I'm in my early 20's right now. I have met girls who appreciate me for my skill and other such things but they have never treated me even as a potential boyfriend. I have now realized that all i need is a distraction from my social life(which scarcely exists) and focus on other things like education and higher studies. Yes, at times i do feel very lonely and often wonder if i will ever be special to someone but life goes on and I'm happy for what i have and what God has given me. It's better to have something than to have nothing at all.