The impact of conditioning?

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This question is for everyone, I am particularly curious about people that received a diagnosis as an adult, how did a late diagnosis impact on your natural way of being? Have you recovered from the NT conditioning, or are some impacts permanent?
If you recovered from it, how did you do that?
Edited to remove: insensitive examples, and to add: My apologies for the wording, I hope I have not offended anyone. I'm enquiring in this sub forum because I don't have anyone IRL to ask and I'm months away from affording therapy, my 'go to' person is deceased. There are other threads here that are covering this topic, I'll read them.

I have not recovered from said conditioning. I was diagnosed at 39 and since them have made some forward steps in that I no longer bother with modifying my behaviour. But the years I spent being told I wasnt trying hard enough and that there was nothing wrong with me have left me beaten down. I dont think I will ever be able to trust anyone.

I was diagnosed at age 50.

Sometime between the ages of ~ 10-12 (I forgot exactly when), I created a ?shell? around me. As I knew something was amiss. I had no idea what. But, I knew I had issues connecting with other kids. I constantly worried and was often depressed (with suicide ideation). This ?shell? enabled me to attempt to follow a neurotypical path. There were, of course, bumps and bruises along the road. I left home to go to college at 18. Only to return home 12 weeks later. I did complete college (living at home), but made no friends. After college, I went to work in technology (first as a software engineer and later business analysis). I was able to survive in the workplace. Though only by jumping from job to job to job. As I would piss off colleagues to the point that they no longer wanted to work with me. I tried to connect with others outside of work. As an example, I joined a committee at my local synagogue (that was geared towards improving education). I felt good about the work being done, but it was hurtful that even after 3 years of being on the committee, I had connected with no one. Each week I would arrive and sit in a seat in my own little ?shell?. While all the other members would chit-chat away. I tried to connect, but people avoided me (I remember, at the time, thinking it was just like middle school + high school). Those years (middle school, high school and even elementary school) were quite difficult, as I felt always alone. Fortunately, the shell made me partially impervious to the fact that I was socially inept.

Suffice it to say, I was conditioned to lead a normal life. But, it wasn?t something I was wired to be successful at. And, it caused me undue stress and unhappiness. Though, I never understood why.

Post diagnosis, my mindset changed. While I still have fairly constant anxiety + dysphoria, I no longer strive to be normal. I no longer am upset/sad because I have so few friends. I no longer am upset/sad because of the difficulties I have had at work. I simply focus on surviving, day to day. And, I focus my time on my special interests (which currently involves even more self-introspection).

The one thing I noticed, post diagnosis, is that some of my behavioral symptoms are getting ?more pronounced?. And I am much more cognizant how deficits in Executive Functioning and Sensory Processing impact me day to day. The other thing I noticed is that I feel, in certain ways, like I have reverted back to those days before I created that shell around me. I am not certain how to explain this (at least yet).

I was dxéd 9months ago at 60, which I still am and I have been wondering about the same, and have come to the conclusion, that I have never been truly NT conditioned, really.
That´s why I have always been looked at as weird/irritating/wrong/ and all that stuff, that breaks down self confidence, but also as kind, helpful, considerate, - and I wouldn´t call those qualities un-aspieish.
I have been very eager to read others and do as expected to a degree, that have pissed people off, because it was difficult for me to know exactly, what they wanted, - and I often felt like a time-server.
Gradually I discover, that many parts of group communication simply pass me by. It is still quite vague, because I am socially pretty good, - but I am beginning to sense, why I got so dead-TIRED after the dx.
I must have worked harder to meet expectations, than I actually knew.

I not only feel like I was conditioned to be an NT, but my autistic traits were actively suppressed by my parents while growing up through childhood. I internalized their message so much, that I went on in my college and early work years head-first believing I could erase my autistic side and pass off as a NT so much, that I would become one.

Now I'm left with a hollow shall of an NT framework that does not fit who I am and I'm rediscovering my autistic self. What's more interesting, are my memories of stim behaviors and autistic-specific behaviors of the past are coming back to me and I'm remembering how much I enjoyed them. I have great difficulty trying to communicate to people who knew me before my recent aspie diagnosis that I've been blending in to the best of my ability to pass off as 'normal' but never really was and that they never got to know the real me. I'm still discovering what it means to be the real me.

They haven't invented the society yet that could condition me.

Diagnosed at 42, and it gave me more freedom to engage with the world because I now give myself more freedom to disengage from the world when I need to.

Understood and agreed!

Having discovered myself odd, unusual, atypical, different, unconventional or whatever else long before ever hearing anything at all about AS/HFA, I had already embraced and declared "unconventional" as my own without even knowing I could never have done otherwise.


Being disabled and retired, I seldom engage much of the rest of the world around me at all...and the more I just continue doing whatever I do, the more I see how life could have been much better for me all along if I had never tried doing anything else. But yes, now knowing myself as I am certainly helps reduce much of the stress and anxiety that had plagued me for many years.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, Ann and Rocket my apologies for not thanking you sooner.
I'm questioning many things about myself. From the first day of school I knew I was not the same, but since leaving secondary school I never really allowed myself to give it much thought. Now I'm rebuilding my life, I want to do that in a realistic fashion, with achievable expectations.

Ann, trust is a stumbling block for me also, I don't trust others or myself. I'm hoping to understand myself a bit better and with each step moving closer to treating myself fairly.

Rocket, I think I understand what you mean by a shell and it partially protecting you from awareness of social ineptitude. I think I done something similar, I couldn't understand why things happened, so instead I focused on what I did understand and could do.

Jenson, I'm a people pleaser. I used to have great difficulty saying no. It caused me much stress and anxiety. I'm okay in small groups, but a wallflower as a rule in larger groups. I can't keep up or hear/take in what they are saying. And all the internal confusion leads to me sharing incomplete thoughts. I'm happy on the sidelines

Lockeye, I've never known who I am, neither did my parents. If I had not blended into the background I would of had an even harder time at school; difference was not acceptable. I have mixed feelings about this, their methodology was typical 1980s, their aim was driven by a complete lack of knowledge, I don't hold it against them. Reading personal stories here has encouraged me to reflect on uncomfortable memories regarding behaviour modification, I wish you luck with rediscovering yourself.

Jr, I like your outlook.

Leejosepho, I started to feel comfortable being unconventional before I left home, and have continued to feel that way, I want to reduce the stress in my life and manage what can't be avoided.


This has helped me and is much appreciated.

The hardest thing post diagnosis is differentiating between

1. Skills that I learned during my wandering decades that is an addition to my natural self.
2. Pure fakery that will lead me to further burnout.

This is an important question for me to answer because I do not want to be a hermit. That is going mean some more compromise along the way. Compromise itself is not a bad thing at all, however too much has lead me to burnout and accepting things that were not in my interest.

The bad thing is that 90%+ of the world will assume everything about me is option 1 and thus a good thing. I don't blame them for thinking that way because until I was diagnosed I thought that way also. But now I know better.

It's been a few years now since my official diagnosis and it's been quite a shift. I feel like I've been peeling off layers of an onion, slowly letting my true self show more and more.

It's weird but somehow liberating. I still need to maintain "suits I wear" out in public so that I can function in my work environment effectively, etc. In addition to shifts in behaviour, I've noticed little things coming back like some of my stimming habits with my hands, etc.

In some ways I still feel quite lost as I go thru the process of self "re"-disovery. I had spent so many years portraying someone other than who I really was that to some extent I feel like a child having to learn how to walk and talk.

What I do know is that I am becoming a much happier person than I had ever been - a deeper happiness. I don't know where this journey will take me - and some days it can be really scary - but I look to the future with a measure of optismism.

ASpartOfMe, I can identify with your two points, I feel this way about my current skills.
Eggheadjr, it is good to hear that diagnosis opened up the possibility of deeper happiness.
Thank you both.
It seems as if the official documentation/diagnosis can be significant for self acceptance. When I posted this thread I was curious about the impact of non ASD expectations on ASD people. My understanding is that it is significant, and recovery, if possible, is a long drawn out process.

How does it differ for the self diagnosed? Do you have more uncertainty and self doubt for longer? Does this impact on your ability to move forward?

I am nearing the start of my fifth decade and I don't know if I can easily separate what is an authentic self and what is "conditioned."

I am not even sure I believe that's a meaningful distinction.

No one lives in total isolation and people always change in response to their social environment, for good or ill. There is nothing abut being autistic that makes this automatically different for you, except maybe that you are less susceptible to a degree od social pressure because you don't even notice that it's being applied and it's ineffective with you--one of the things that makes NTs uncomfortable when dealing with autistic people.

But there is something in my experience that does resonate with the question. I always felt like I had to hide, minimize attention to myself, try to blend in and be normal, or at least not to draw attention to my differences. I certainly learned to be silent most of the time, following the ancient proverb "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt"

It is appropriate to adopt a persona when engaged in professional activity. NTs do this also.

But after getting the diagnosis, I no longer felt like I needed to try to actually be someone else. Or feel bad about being me. And that peace about these things really does make things much better. It's OK for me to be as passionately into the obscure stuff that I am into, and OK for most people not to be. It's OK for me to take pleasure in the things I love about being alive, even if the way I do it is not in sync with most people. That's really good.

From what I read here it depends on the person. Some people need an authoritative confirmation and some do not. Money is thankfully not an issue where you live, although your gender might be.

I am a poor example because I was not self diagnosed, but diagnosed by others prior to official diagnosis. I did not start researching it seriously until I made the appointment for assessment so I had nowhere near the knowledge to self diagnose. I would not even join this site until it was official. Once it was official I joined that same day. So official confirmation was a must for me.

So for you it boils down to these questions
1. Do you need an authoritative confirmation?
2. How much do you want/need to engage with the majority? The more you want or need the more compromise will be needed. Then you need to A. Understand when you are faking and not do it to much. B. When to self advocate, others should compromise also, but as the huge majority they do not need to.

Adamantium ? It?s interesting that you mention this. Earlier this week, I told my therapist that, when I was younger (as early as Kindergarten), I didn?t want to be noticed. I spoke about wanting to be ?invisible? and deliberately trying to ?hide my emotions?. I suspect it had something to do with being teased and not knowing how to respond, in a socially appropriate manner. The therapist suggested that I was trying to avoid negative attention.

I started this thread to get a better understanding of the personal process that accompanies self/diagnosis. Especially in relation to past experiences of unrealistic expectations and their lasting impact. I attributed my challenges to my childhood, but that failed to explain it. There are many things that I can identify with here, like being invisible, but there are many other conditions that can combine to look like ASD.
Yes ASPartofme, It is good to live in a country with a public health system, ASD is on the list, but my starting point its to treat/rule out anxiety, depression and thyroid problems. Then if necessary I will move on to the other acronym and 'dys' conditions (pardon my abbreviations)
I don't want to burn out again, I need to make healthy changes and become mindful of how and why I push myself into doing things that are not good for me. I've realised that behavioural approaches are impacting negatively on many people and have recently caused much pain to people in the ASD community and with respect to that, I appreciated each persons perspective on this topic.