My ascent to darkness
10 May 2014, 11:09 pm
If any of you have read my threads typed in the past, you would see that they are generally a rant i typed up about my life during a period in which i was a sobbing mess. Well, lately..due to my situation..i have been, for lack of a better phrase, going mad.
Allow me to explain:
#1: Lack of emotion. I have recently not been showing any genuine emotion whatsoever, and i usually will just fake a smile then turn away and switch back into a cold face. A family member whom i knew for a while will most likely pass away soon, and not a tear was shed from my dead eyes. I claimed i was saving them for when they actually passed, but that was just a sly coverup. I love this relative, although we are not super close, i truly do. But i couldn't feel the sadness that used to.
#2: BAD thoughts. I have found myself planning out ways i can mentally hurt certain people. Including myself. Figuring out what to say to my mother next time she yells at me ahead of time. Carefully planning my every word to everyone.
#3: Pathological lying: I have been lying ALOT. Never telling the truth even when lying isnt nesscesary. My sister gives me the chinese middle finger. (My mom dosent care if its in another language.) i say she gave me the regular.
#4: Manipulation.: i have been forcing others to do what i want by using acting. Comvince the principal i did nothing by acting cheery. Acting sicker than i am in order to stay home.
#5: Speaking to myself: i talk to myself ALOT and at one point i had created a charachter in my mind whom i talked to.
#5: Lack of sleep: I can NOT sleep. I go to bed at 3:00AM and am up by 6:00 AM everynight.
#6: Hurting myself, meaning banging my head against the wall and smashing my hand across my face.
Look, ive become even worse than i already was. I dont even know anymore.
11 May 2014, 6:48 am
#1: Lack of emotion. I have recently not been showing any genuine emotion whatsoever, and i usually will just fake a smile then turn away and switch back into a cold face. A family member whom i knew for a while will most likely pass away soon, and not a tear was shed from my dead eyes. I claimed i was saving them for when they actually passed, but that was just a sly coverup. I love this relative, although we are not super close, i truly do. But i couldn't feel the sadness that used to.
#2: BAD thoughts. I have found myself planning out ways i can mentally hurt certain people. Including myself. Figuring out what to say to my mother next time she yells at me ahead of time. Carefully planning my every word to everyone.
#3: Pathological lying: I have been lying ALOT. Never telling the truth even when lying isnt nesscesary. My sister gives me the chinese middle finger. (My mom dosent care if its in another language.) i say she gave me the regular.
#4: Manipulation.: i have been forcing others to do what i want by using acting. Comvince the principal i did nothing by acting cheery. Acting sicker than i am in order to stay home.
#5: Speaking to myself: i talk to myself ALOT and at one point i had created a charachter in my mind whom i talked to.
#5: Lack of sleep: I can NOT sleep. I go to bed at 3:00AM and am up by 6:00 AM everynight.
#6: Hurting myself, meaning banging my head against the wall and smashing my hand across my face.
Look, ive become even worse than i already was. I dont even know anymore.
You´re both depressed, bitter and in despair. You are not insensitive! You´re gifted and you are using your giftedness as a means to survive....creating strategies.
Isn´t there someone, some sensible adult in your school, whom you could talk to? You need it!
#1: Defence mode. Withdrawal of emotion as a result of too much pain.
#2: Defence mode. Introverted anger.
#3 and #4: A good thing, you know yourself. Every school child has done this!
Being able to lie and manipulate is a necessary ability among humans.
(Being unable to do so isn´t the best reason not to).
You seem to be very aware of the moral problems attatched, which tells me, that you are ok,
- meaning, that it is not pathological.
#5: Speaking to yourself is normal aspie-behavior.
Lack of sleep: A tendency among aspies, - AND, I your case, I would think, a sign of depression.
#6: Hurting yourself is introverted anger, that wants out. This feels like madness building up.
It isn´t, but it could cause an emotional breakdown, so .......
You really need to speak with someone.
_________________
Femaline
Special Interest: Beethoven
Last edited by Jensen on 11 May 2014, 1:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
