[Trigger Warning] Tonight I Cut Myself

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jayjayuk
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24 May 2014, 8:17 pm

What a mess. What a horrible, horrible mess. This isn't the first time I've done this, but I haven't done it in a while.

I don't know what causes me to do this. I've been on anti depressants on and off for years to control the anxiety and depression - although non work. I've not spoken to my doctor about my recent Aspergers diagnosis, so I don't know if these are the right meds for me now.

I had a "debate" with my long term partner today over her excessive weed smoking. I told her she has a problem and she needs to stop abusing it because it's putting a strain on our relationship. She was just coming up with an answer for everything. This made me angry and I ended up walking out and going for a walk to clear my head. It's also 13 years today after the death of my Granddad. He was a great inspiration in my life so today is a little touchy.

I got back from my walk, but just felt down. I remained positive though. Whilst I was on my walk I seriously considered going to the top of the car park to think about jumping off. I had a cigarette and calmed and went home. I've battled these thoughts for years, so I know how to control them - sort of.

My girlfriend went to bed and I was just sitting there staring. I told her I'd sleep downstairs. Anyway, I got a knife and started cutting on my arm. It got pretty deep and was bleeding a lot. Then all of a sudden I snapped out of it. It was as if my brain said "Right, thats enough now". At the time I wanted to die, although when my brain said enough I stopped and felt normal. But, often times I get thoughts of suicide, and I feel my mind is getting weaker and weaker at controlling the thoughts.

I tried to wake my girlfriend to explain that I felt horrible and needed to speak to a mental health nurse. I think she was stoned and didn't even acknowledge what I was saying. So now I'm lying in bed with a t-shirt wrapped around my arm. It's still bleeding a little so don't want it to make a mess of the bed.

So now I have to deal with tomorrow when she finds out what I've done. Oh great.

I really think I need to spend some time in a mental hospital, and get proper help. After the Aspergers diagnosis things have been mentally tough, which doesn't help the depression. I'm just not one to reach out and ask for help and really don't want to go through the hoops.

Such a mess. Has anyone gone through this before. I feel like I'm backed into a corner and there's no way out.



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24 May 2014, 8:39 pm

Definitely either get some help or talk to a doctor, as you clearly need it. You're going through an extremely rough time, and I saw several red flags in your post (thoughts of suicide, failing relationship with a partner who doesn't seem to care, and self harming to name the obvious ones). Letting yourself go further alone will likely exaggerate these problems and/or create new ones.



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24 May 2014, 8:42 pm

if you go to the hospital and show them your arm and tell them it's self-inflicted, they will most likely admit you. wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen.

i used to be engaged to someone who smoked weed daily. i felt alone when he smoked because it made him not care about anything. i don't know if i could have handled the smoking in the long run, because i had to break it off when he hit me. i can understand why you would want her to smoke less.



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24 May 2014, 8:43 pm

It's OK to be mentally ill and need help from time to time mate, it does sound like you need it.

1st: your arm. Does it need attention? If its still bleeding now you need to get your arse to Accident and Emergency. Leave your girlfriend a note saying where you're going or at least text her or something.

If you don't need urgent medical attention I would urge you to try and get through to your local mental health crisis team. Guessing the 'UK' in your name is indicative of where you live. Call 111 and ask to be connected to the crisis team. It's important that you speak to someone urgently about these suicidal thoughts. If the NHS sucks like it usually does, phone someone else. A family member, a friend, or even the Samaritans if it's too late. Speak to someone.

In the morning, make an appointment to see your GP. If you phone them early enough they might even be able to see you today. Tell them everything.

Whatever you're going through right now isn't reason to harm yourself or even be ashamed, please get some help.


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24 May 2014, 8:45 pm

Haven't dealt with exactly that, but I have dealt with suicidal thoughts - especially a couple of years ago. I'd have passively suicidal thoughts several times a day. I knew something wasn't right, that it wasn't ME thinking these things consciously and that something must be causing them. Long story short, I figured out that it was a sensitivity to salicylate acids that was causing all kinds of neurological problems, anxiety, ocd, depression etc to all be amplified. There was a chemical explanation. I stopped eating/drinking (or using topically) anything with sals in them for several months & detoxed the acids by using an epsom salt lotion on my skin. Within 5 days the worst depression of my life was all but completely lifted, and then over the weeks/months ahead things improved all around. Executive brain functions, anxiety/depression/ocd etc. There's plenty more to my story and I've shared it in the link in my sig, but the pertinent part right now is that your state of mind MAY be being caused by food/environmental chemicals and IF it's a sensitivity to sa's (which I've read that 70% of people on the spectrum have) then you'll be able to figure it out pretty quick with a few dollars worth of epsom salts and a foot soak (most effective place to absorb the salts)/bath/skin lotion. The basics are that due to a deficiency in magnesium & sulphur, acid levels build up and wreak havoc on our brains. Espom salts are magnesium sulphate crystals and once absorbed through the skin they can bind to the excess acids and finally allow you to urinate them out. It's a pretty low cost experiment to see if it helps you.


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24 May 2014, 8:45 pm

Hiya jayjayuk, I've been there. It sucks. Especially after having gone awhile without cutting. Most important thing to do right now is clean yourself up and put pressure on the bleeding. And it is not the end of the world. You'll get through it. I always try to hide my cuts as I dont lkke to talk about it with anyone.



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24 May 2014, 8:45 pm

Is there anyone in the real world you could speak to? Maybe someone could help you through the hoops. It sounds like where you live, that may be a mental health nurse?



jayjayuk
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24 May 2014, 8:53 pm

It's bleeding slightly, not much. I think right now I need sleep, I really tired now (being nearly 3am) and have a headache. Just dreading the morning when she sees my arm, she's going to hit the roof.

My GP is closed tomorrow but I will go and see her first thing Monday (if it's not a bank holiday). I really need some alternative treatment for these feelings. I really don't mind going into a mental hospital if it means I can learn how to deal with these thoughts. I've never been to one, but the last time this happened they said if it happens again they will admit me. Since then I've not been to hospital when I've done it.

There's nobody to speak to no. I don't like to tell people. It would cause more problems than good.

It feels like a really horrible mess right now.



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24 May 2014, 9:03 pm

Hey Jay,

What's done is done. At least you stopped in time.

We've had some nice conversations. I feel bad that you've done this. I had a girlfriend years ago who was a cutter. She was a smart girl, but she had a negative philosophy of life. She didn't realize how talented she was. She didn't LISTEN. She squandered her life. It didn't have to be this way.

You have many talents. It would be a waste if you descended deeper. Please think positively about yourself. Think clearly, and with sense. Do some projects. Put all your negative energy into your art.

You have lots going for you. Call your dad tomorrow and play some snooker.

Talk to your girlfriend about your feelings about her pot smoking.

The other advice applies as well. See a professional.



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 24 May 2014, 9:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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24 May 2014, 9:04 pm

jayjayuk wrote:
It's bleeding slightly, not much. I think right now I need sleep, I really tired now (being nearly 3am) and have a headache. Just dreading the morning when she sees my arm, she's going to hit the roof.

My GP is closed tomorrow but I will go and see her first thing Monday (if it's not a bank holiday). I really need some alternative treatment for these feelings. I really don't mind going into a mental hospital if it means I can learn how to deal with these thoughts. I've never been to one, but the last time this happened they said if it happens again they will admit me. Since then I've not been to hospital when I've done it.

There's nobody to speak to no. I don't like to tell people. It would cause more problems than good.

It feels like a really horrible mess right now.


You can tell her that you cut yourself, but you don't have to show her. This is for you to decide. You are not obliged to.
Try to relax and focus on your breathing. If the bleeding isn't bad and you feel calmer now, there is no need to rush to the doctor. But you should definitely make an appointment and see how your doctor advises you to proceed.



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24 May 2014, 9:05 pm

Totally forgot it was the bank holiday! Pain in the bloody arse, you can bet A&E will be rammed too. If you've lost a lot of blood I urge you to go anyway.

Try accessing the crisis team anyway, especially since you're sure there isn't anyone else to speak to. Any interactions with the crisis team a) might make you feel a little better and b) might result in you getting a quicker referral to a suitable professional.

Regarding your supposes GF - she'll either hit the roof or she won't. You need help regardless of her reaction, and if her reaction is negative you might need to reassess your relationship. (note: relationship advice from fellow mentally ill Aspies should always be taken with a pinch of salt ;) )

Drink some water for the headache at least. Whatever you choose to do I hope you feel better soon, just don't sit there stewing and not ask anyone for help.


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24 May 2014, 9:45 pm

I think people already gave you very good advices, and since I'm not familiar with this specific issue (cutting) I don't have any advices to give (just make sure it doesn't get infected tho, and as other said get yourself checked if it is pretty bad), but I just wanted to mention something about it, its not actually an advice, its just about someone's experience with this issue.

There is a few people I like on youtube and I follow their vlogs, and one of them talked about how she used to cut herself and was self-destructive, how she had to see therapists about it, etc, but in her case, apart from the therapy and I think also medication, the other thing that helped her, as strange as it may seem to some people, is that she likes piercings (she has quite a few of them), and that since she started getting piercings (I think she mentioned tattoos as well but can't remember, I would have to check), she stopped cutting herself, and she is a lot less self-destructive. She also mentioned that doing an activity that she likes whenever she feels an urge to hurt herself also helped her a lot. I'm not saying you should get piercings or tattoos, especially if you don't like it, but I just wanted to mention it in case it might help someone, and maybe for another person it would be something else that would help them with this problem.


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24 May 2014, 10:59 pm

Hey James,
You know what to do. Get to the hospital as soon as you can to make sure there is no permanent damage to your arm.

I am really glad you are here. We are all here to support you.
Get some rest too and keep us posted on how everything turns out.
Big Hug Buddy,
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jayjayuk
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25 May 2014, 3:57 am

My girlfriend woke me up an hour ago, she seen the blood on the bed. She's crying. She didn't shout at me or anything she just called NHS direct. They said to go to A&E but I'd rather wait for the doctors Tuesday than sit around in A&E. I'll get some dressings from the supermarket and some antiseptic cream.

Now, I feel totally normal. Why does my head decide to just suddenly think enough is enough? I guess I'll wait till Tuesday and see what my doctor suggests.

Shadi2 wrote:
is that she likes piercings (she has quite a few of them) ....


It's funny you mention that. When I lived with my mother last year for 4 months I was sleeping on the sofa. It was impossible to self harm there because she'd notice and I didn't want her to know what I do. She knew I've done it in the past because of the scars on my arm, but she told me never to do it again. So, I'd end up getting piercings. I had 2 in my lip, my eyebrow, my nose, and my ears. Soon as I moved back home though I took them all out.



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25 May 2014, 4:09 am

hi jayjayuk,
dont feel bad about cutting,its just a non socialy acceptable way of releasing whatever is inside-out, theres a lot of stigma attached to it but there is nothing immoral about it, there will always be people who are quick to have a go at cutters but they will have more coping skills and likely self harm in a more socialy acceptable way like smoking,getting drunk etc.

if the edges pf the cuts are not closed,it might be worth going into an NHS 'walk in' centre, they can stitch if its really bad or put some butter fly strips on it,otherwise just let the blood go hard on the top of the cut-it needs to scab to stop bleeding.

it woud also be worth making a appointment with the GP-this woud be classed as an emergency/same day appointment and they are usualy open on saturdays up to lunch time so get in there if are reading this-they will be able to refer for an inpatient stay.

am a fellow lifelong cutter due to not understanding what am feeling,and because of sensory seeking and being severely communication impaired, have got a lot of hypertrophic scarring on the arm and leg that use.


[edit]
sorry,just realised this is sunday,not saturday.


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jayjayuk
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25 May 2014, 4:12 am

KingdomOfRats wrote:
hi jayjayuk,
dont feel bad about cutting,its just a non socialy acceptable way of releasing whatever is inside-out, theres a lot of stigma attached to it but there is nothing immoral about it, there will always be people who are quick to have a go at cutters but they will have more coping skills and likely self harm in a more socialy acceptable way like smoking,getting drunk etc.

if the edges pf the cuts are not closed,it might be worth going into an NHS 'walk in' centre, they can stitch if its really bad or put some butter fly strips on it,otherwise just let the blood go hard on the top of the cut-it needs to scab to stop bleeding.

it woud also be worth making a appointment with the GP-this woud be classed as an emergency/same day appointment and they are usualy open on saturdays up to lunch time so get in there if are reading this-they will be able to refer for an inpatient stay.

am a fellow lifelong cutter due to not understanding what am feeling,and because of sensory seeking and being severely communication impaired, have got a lot of hypertrophic scarring on the arm and leg that use.


[edit]
sorry,just realised this is sunday,not saturday.


Hey KingOfRats. Thank you for the reply :) It's good to know I'm not alone. I am going to see if I can get to a walk in centre today as there's one that's much closer than the hospital.