[Trigger Warning] Tonight I Cut Myself

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KingdomOfRats
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25 May 2014, 4:24 am

jayjayuk wrote:

KingdomOfRats wrote:

hi jayjayuk,
dont feel bad about cutting,its just a non socialy acceptable way of releasing whatever is inside-out, theres a lot of stigma attached to it but there is nothing immoral about it, there will always be people who are quick to have a go at cutters but they will have more coping skills and likely self harm in a more socialy acceptable way like smoking,getting drunk etc.

if the edges pf the cuts are not closed,it might be worth going into an NHS 'walk in' centre, they can stitch if its really bad or put some butter fly strips on it,otherwise just let the blood go hard on the top of the cut-it needs to scab to stop bleeding.

it woud also be worth making a appointment with the GP-this woud be classed as an emergency/same day appointment and they are usualy open on saturdays up to lunch time so get in there if are reading this-they will be able to refer for an inpatient stay.

am a fellow lifelong cutter due to not understanding what am feeling,and because of sensory seeking and being severely communication impaired, have got a lot of hypertrophic scarring on the arm and leg that use.

[edit]
sorry,just realised this is sunday,not saturday.

Hey KingOfRats. Thank you for the reply

It's good to know I'm not alone. I am going to see if I can get to a walk in centre today as there's one that's much closer than the hospital.

hope manage to feel better soon, physical pain is nothing compared to mental pain.

aparently the NHS walk in centres are supposed to have much less waiting times than hanging around an A&E all day,plus will not get the attitude off the staff for self harming [some of them can be crap towards any self injurous behavior like it was done to make their lives more difficult.

ask the centre if they can do a mental health assessment to,as it might lead to a visit from the mental health crisis team and possibly quicker action towards getting inpatient support.

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jayjayuk
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25 May 2014, 4:28 am

Well my girlfriend has decided she's calling the crisis team directly. She's on the phone now. I am known to them anyway for mental health issues. So fingers crossed they will come and see me and I can move forward and get the help I need.

Thank you for all the replies. I have nobody in life to talk to, and I am glad there is a forum where I can discuss problems and issues with others.

jayjayuk
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25 May 2014, 7:31 am

I don't get the UK mental health service. They told me to go to A&E and get a referral to the mental hospital. But, A&E don't do that. They are useless.

One time I was arrested for sitting in a park at 1am attempting suicide. I had deep gashes over my arms. Police took me to hospital. They waited with me because I was still under arrest. Hospital asked me if I was still suicidal and I explained I was and I had other plans to kill myself. They only released me. I told them I would like professional help, and they said go see my GP.

Police were so astounded by the hospital that the police took me to the mental hospital themselves. I was seen, and told I had a choice of staying and that they wasn't going to force me to stay, but that I should. They called my partner and my partner said she would take care of me. So I refused.

That's how crap A&E is.

Well, I'm writing a letter now to give to my GP Tuesday. I can't talk to people, so I will give her the letter and my partner will talk to my GP too. And see what goes from there.

My partner is in tears still, and all I can do is laugh when we talk about it. It's just a natural reaction to a stressful situation. I always tend to laugh, which pisses people off. She's supporting me though, so I am thankful.

What can I buy her to show that she means something to me? What do girls like?

kraftiekortie
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25 May 2014, 8:54 am

It depends on the girl LOL...Flowers are a good possibility.

Or maybe half-credit on one of your musical compositions?

Pobbles
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25 May 2014, 9:14 am

Glad you're OK and your GF is being supportive.

You have to be patient with mental health services, my personal experiences of dealing with them are 20% useful and 80% goose chase. Don't be disappointed if the only thing your GP can do is prescribe medication and refer you to someone else, and if the referral isn't picked up immediately. Keep at it, be prepared to badger your GP and whatever services you're referred to. Taking a letter or something in writing to your GP is also a very good idea, I've had to do that once or twice.

It took me months to find the right medication - it really is trial and error sometimes - and it was months before I was referred to a psychotherapist that got results. I forget how many strops I chucked in this process, but it was worth it in the end.

Are you eating and sleeping OK? Making sure these things are looked after and doing regular exercise are just as important as meds and therapy.

Cook your GF a nice meal to show your appreciation. Even if your cooking sucks

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jayjayuk
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25 May 2014, 10:59 am

Pobbles wrote:

Cook your GF a nice meal to show your appreciation. Even if your cooking sucks

Thats what I've done. I'm making Jamaican chicken curry. One of my favourite foods - even though I'm not in the slightest bit Jamaican. Thankfully I'm a very good cook

Pobbles
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25 May 2014, 11:15 am

Sonofabitch I'm actually quite hungry now! :lol:

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jayjayuk
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25 May 2014, 11:21 am

Pobbles wrote:

Sonofabitch I'm actually quite hungry now! :lol:

If we could email food I'd sure send you some :p

goldfish21
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25 May 2014, 11:52 am

jayjayuk wrote:

What can I buy her to show that she means something to me? What do girls like?

You can't. Your time.

And thus you'll have to stick around in this life in order to give it to her.

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BeggingTurtle
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25 May 2014, 1:39 pm

I still have marks where I have done it. Never big, but they're still there.

I found a stim to replace it, but mine may not be as bad as yours, considering the direness of it.

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MOWHAWK1982
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26 May 2014, 3:00 am

Waterfalls wrote:

Is there anyone in the real world you could speak to? Maybe someone could help you through the hoops. It sounds like where you live, that may be a mental health nurse?

Everything that's not imagined is part of the real world, for realz.

If ya don't believe me, order something expensive online. If it doesn't effect your bank account and you don't receive any items then the internet is not part of the real world.

mr_bigmouth_502
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26 May 2014, 3:05 am

Get yourself to a doctor. NOW.

Shadi2
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26 May 2014, 3:22 am

jayjayuk wrote:

Shadi2 wrote:

is that she likes piercings (she has quite a few of them) ....

It's funny you mention that. When I lived with my mother last year for 4 months I was sleeping on the sofa. It was impossible to self harm there because she'd notice and I didn't want her to know what I do. She knew I've done it in the past because of the scars on my arm, but she told me never to do it again. So, I'd end up getting piercings. I had 2 in my lip, my eyebrow, my nose, and my ears. Soon as I moved back home though I took them all out.

Cool about the piercings! I don't have any myself (except my ears), but I like the look on others. The girl I was talking about has at least 4 or 5 on her lips, at least one on her nose, also her eyebrows, etc, she has a bunch of them.

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Spectral Aurtist
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05 Jul 2018, 3:54 pm

jayjayuk wrote:

What a mess. What a horrible, horrible mess. This isn't the first time I've done this, but I haven't done it in a while.

I don't know what causes me to do this. I've been on anti depressants on and off for years to control the anxiety and depression - although non work. I've not spoken to my doctor about my recent Aspergers diagnosis, so I don't know if these are the right meds for me now.

I had a "debate" with my long term partner today over her excessive weed smoking. I told her she has a problem and she needs to stop abusing it because it's putting a strain on our relationship. She was just coming up with an answer for everything. This made me angry and I ended up walking out and going for a walk to clear my head. It's also 13 years today after the death of my Granddad. He was a great inspiration in my life so today is a little touchy.

I got back from my walk, but just felt down. I remained positive though. Whilst I was on my walk I seriously considered going to the top of the car park to think about jumping off. I had a cigarette and calmed and went home. I've battled these thoughts for years, so I know how to control them - sort of.

My girlfriend went to bed and I was just sitting there staring. I told her I'd sleep downstairs. Anyway, I got a knife and started cutting on my arm. It got pretty deep and was bleeding a lot. Then all of a sudden I snapped out of it. It was as if my brain said "Right, thats enough now". At the time I wanted to die, although when my brain said enough I stopped and felt normal. But, often times I get thoughts of suicide, and I feel my mind is getting weaker and weaker at controlling the thoughts.

I tried to wake my girlfriend to explain that I felt horrible and needed to speak to a mental health nurse. I think she was stoned and didn't even acknowledge what I was saying. So now I'm lying in bed with a t-shirt wrapped around my arm. It's still bleeding a little so don't want it to make a mess of the bed.

So now I have to deal with tomorrow when she finds out what I've done. Oh great.

I really think I need to spend some time in a mental hospital, and get proper help. After the Aspergers diagnosis things have been mentally tough, which doesn't help the depression. I'm just not one to reach out and ask for help and really don't want to go through the hoops.

Such a mess. Has anyone gone through this before. I feel like I'm backed into a corner and there's no way out.

Stop asking random strangers on the internet (it's not good for you) and GO SEEK real help. you need real help not this. THIS is a cycle.

TwilightPrincess
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05 Jul 2018, 4:00 pm

Spectral Aurtist wrote:

jayjayuk wrote:

Stop asking random strangers on the internet (it's not good for you) and GO SEEK real help. you need real help not this. THIS is a cycle.

Hopefully, the OP has sought help for this problem they faced 4 years ago.

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