Lack of friends having a negative impact on me

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akai_fox
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25 May 2014, 12:19 pm

So this is my first post though I've been reading the forums for a while since I've been extremely hesitant to post on any forum for a long time now for fear of not saying the right things.

Lately I've been feeling a lot more depressed than usual about not having any friends though I've always been depressed about this the level depends on how much I can distract myself with other things. I've never really had any friends or any real social relationships (other than the relationships you get by default with your family) which is something I've never told anyone and am hesitant to write even here since it's apparent there's such a massive stigma in society against a person who doesn't have any friends. It's about the worst insult you could say about someone, that they have no friends, because even horrible people have no trouble making friends.

It feels like it's getting more and more difficult to function in society without friends or a social circle. Everything has to have a social element now. Even things I used to enjoy doing alone are being forced to revolve around socializing like gaming (Singleplayer games are becoming less common and are now extremely short or simple in preference to the 'do everything with your friends!' multiplayer games). There's an expectation built into almost every facet of life that you easily make social connections. For example, in seeking employment social connections are the most important way to get a job.

I've really been feeling lately that I really would like someone to do somethings with or could trust to confide in. I think without having a friend to cast humanity in general in a positive light is causing me to become increasingly negative about all of the strangers I come across every day. It seems like my daily interactions without other people are consistently very negative so I'm becoming so I can't stand people at all. I have to walk a long way to places or drive everyday and everyday when driving or walking lots of people do something horrible - they endanger my life or lives of others in traffic many times in just a few miles, they always take up the entire sidewalk even when they see me coming, bicyclists illegally riding on the sidewalk run me off the sidewalk into bushes and shout at me for being in their way, people refuse to acknowledge the existing line at the grocery store. It seems like selfish behavior for its own sake for no real gain is the norm among everyone I meet.
I think it would be beneficial to have a friendship which can prove to me that humans can be decent.

I've no idea how to make friends unfortunately. Whenever I've been around people in a 'social situation' I just don't know what to do. I usually don't say much of anything or probably miss a lot of subtle cues which I'm guessing makes people feel uncomfortable. I've had friendly acquaintances in the past be I've never known how to take that any further.



Venger
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25 May 2014, 12:49 pm

When you're trying to make friends with people either online or IRL, never tell them you don't have any other friends.(WP is an exception since it probably doesn't work either way, lol)



DavidCook
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25 May 2014, 2:40 pm

Yeah I see. And I understand. There aren't that many opportunities to make friends, so make them count!



akai_fox
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25 May 2014, 4:28 pm

Venger wrote:
When you're trying to make friends with people either online or IRL, never tell them you don't have any other friends.(WP is an exception since it probably doesn't work either way, lol)


Yep, definitely can't ever tell anyone that. Even when people I work with ask questions like 'what did you do last weekend - something with your friends?' I always have to lie and pretend I have friends. I'd definitely prefer an IRL friend though I'd still like to even find one online since it'd help a lot, especially with practicing social skills, though I still don't know how to do that. Everyone seems to already have something specific they're doing and aren't looking for friends.



musician_enigma
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26 May 2014, 8:45 am

I used to be depressed over lack of friends, and I still get down every once and awhile thinking about it. Generally it's a huge puzzle, trying to understand how people make friends. I guess it doesn't help that I don't have a cell phone haha.

I do believe, more than ever, I am very capable of making friends. Being more open/less distant, using my charm/friendiness/humor to make up for whatever it is I lack (that NTs seem to have), appears to be the route I should go.

Hey, don't become all negative and cynical dude. Let go of all that because surely it is manifesting in your social interactions making things even more difficult. With the negativity cleared, trial and error becomes optimal. Keep trying new approaches then adjusting until you know what works great for you. Just don't give up.

I tend to have a ton of acquaintances and I am trying to figure out how to take that further. I'm thinking mutual interests might be it... those subjects you can talk about all day.

Ah, and please don't get depressed over it. Stay optimistic, it's all about the perception...



namaste
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26 May 2014, 12:41 pm

i face the same problem but when i was working i noticed some people couldnt make friends and everyone was avoiding them
people used to talk bad things about them i was ignored too.

there was this one guy whom everyone avoided he used to talk delusional things about black magic and bad omen and he was a Engineer but couldnt hold jobs and his marriage ended he was doing small time jobs at odd places. So from this case you can understand never to talk fantasy stuff no matter how interesting it maybe to you but majority people out there its pure rubbish

Secondly there was this lady who was full of negativity she was talking all negative stuff whole day bad about management, about colleagues, about organisation and people avoided her she seemed delusion so its necessary to talk fun things, talk about music, movies, positive tthings.

another lady was ignored too she wont share tiffin, she wont mingle it was that she was paranoid about being around others if someone sneezed she felt she would fall sick, she was scared of eating others food thinking about black magic etc. try to be friendly share your food and eat others stuff too d


lastly just listen dont go to talk much since our thinkings are too complicated for others

im not sucessful socially but this is a social observation


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GiantHockeyFan
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26 May 2014, 12:55 pm

akai_fox wrote:
Yep, definitely can't ever tell anyone that. Even when people I work with ask questions like 'what did you do last weekend - something with your friends?' I always have to lie and pretend I have friends. I'd definitely prefer an IRL friend though I'd still like to even find one online since it'd help a lot, especially with practicing social skills, though I still don't know how to do that. Everyone seems to already have something specific they're doing and aren't looking for friends.

What I find funny is that the more I talk to 30+ men, the more I realize this is COMMON where they have no 'friends'. Granted many of them are/were married but I have come to realize I'm not as much of a freak as I thought.

I thought I found a female friend recently who was my feminine clone but when I engaged her in conversation I quickly found out why she was friendless: she treated me in a rude and condescending tone. The most frustrating thing is this happens over and over. Either I am 100% oblivious or most people my age are nasty and cruel. Either way it is very frustrating.