Told This By a Married Woman and a Question About It

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Eureka13
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28 May 2014, 5:24 pm

I've said it before and I'll say it again: people are not commodities. No one, male or female, is "one-size-fits-all" and is going to be THE one everybody wants to pick up off the shelf and take home.

It really is all about compatibility, not about men being money dispensers and women being sex and homemaking dispensers.

When you meet someone you "click" with, you suddenly realize that looks, money, status, are meaningless.



aspiemike
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28 May 2014, 5:26 pm

Really? Were going to look at one side of the coin here? How about the women you meet that won't motivate you and the reasons why you don't want to ask them out either. I think too many guys in here are focused on themselves on why they can't get dates.


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wyrd
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28 May 2014, 6:16 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Look, a typical guy in his early 30s might mean good things like "responsible", "holding a good job", "mature"....etc

But in that context, if she really meant it positively she wouldn't have said ""you know what your problem is?" part, isn't it? So it's obvious that she means that the "typical guy in his early 30s"part is his problem.
Problem = always negative.

Quote:
problem
ˈprɒbləm/Submit
noun
1.
a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome.
"they have financial problems"


So it's not me who's being negative!

I think its just phrasing.

A few months ago my 16yr old daughters 16 yr old friend was whingeing about rowing with her mum and being emo and asking what was wrong with herself and I replied that "your problem is you're a teenager, you are perfectly normal, its normal for kids your age to feel like that"

maybe she meant for him not to worry and reassure him.



hale_bopp
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28 May 2014, 6:21 pm

Depends. Just because you haven't had any luck doesn't mean you can't.

Do you really try? As in actually do stuff to meet people on a regular basis like go to parties, dinners, events, movies and clubs?



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28 May 2014, 10:59 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
CommanderKeen wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I bet by a 90% that she meant boring.

Well that woman has a problem of her own, she's not direct.


OK, guys, if that was what she meant, she would have used a different tact, along the lines of, "you should pick up an attractive hobby, like snowboarding." or "you should get a speed boat, that would be fun to show off to dates."

It really is frustrating to me how often men here insist on reading negative things into comments that most likely are not meant that way. Negative is VERY unattractive, and that is a choice 100% within your own control.

.

Even if she meant it in a positive way, she still wasn't direct, so my point is still very much valid.



The_Face_of_Boo
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29 May 2014, 12:24 am

Eureka13 wrote:
I've said it before and I'll say it again: people are not commodities. No one, male or female, is "one-size-fits-all" and is going to be THE one everybody wants to pick up off the shelf and take home.

It really is all about compatibility, not about men being money dispensers and women being sex and homemaking dispensers.

When you meet someone you "click" with, you suddenly realize that looks, money, status, are meaningless.


Who said anyone is a commodity? You're just beig dramatic, no one implied that.

The 'catch' term he used, it means he feels he doesn't yet have what makes him (could be willingness, anything..) a relationship material.



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29 May 2014, 8:41 am

hale_bopp wrote:
Depends. Just because you haven't had any luck doesn't mean you can't.

Do you really try? As in actually do stuff to meet people on a regular basis like go to parties, dinners, events, movies and clubs?

Yes, I have joined a well respected volunteer organization, am out of the man cave 6 nights a week and do everything except clubs/drinking. I have met some nice people (men and women) but they all have wedding rings on. might pick up a second job in a few months if my financial situation doesn't improve too.

DW_a_mom wrote:
GiantHockeyFan, to emphasize: I NEVER meant to imply that you are anything less of a "catch" than you think you are, or than the next guy is, and so on; and I doubt your co-worker did, either.

NONE of this is supposed to be about that, and I really apologize for writing things that could be read that way.

No apologizes necessary. You gave me a "light bulb" moment and I greatly appreciate that. I'm sure the coworker didn't mean anything negative or critical either: I know a number of them are always asking how the dating is going, have I met anyone etc. What I meant was that when you believe you have won is the moment you start to lose in life.

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
That's another expression for regular, or too average, aka 'boring'.

Well, to be honest I *am* boring at first. I'm not aggressive, I don't show off and I don't kiss on the first date because it takes so long for me to warm up. I might even be considered a wuss but let's just say I have a VERY adventurous mind and have the ability to prove it in a committed relationship. :lol: Without going into an adult theme let's just say my very first time doing it I made her hit 3 "O's" and she still calls me up months later looking for some fun. I know how to treat women I just need the opportunity to prove it. Online dating does not provide that because there are too many (sub-par) options for women to move on to but in real life I am hopelessly oblivious.



Eureka13
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29 May 2014, 11:37 am

Not a dramatic bone in my body. It struck me that all this talk of being a "catch" makes people sound like things that you shop for like you would go shopping for a car.

If only it were as simple as a checklist.



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29 May 2014, 11:41 am

GiantHockeyFan, I think you are going to be OK. You will find your person. Best of luck to you.


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29 May 2014, 1:19 pm

Quote:
Well, to be honest I *am* boring at first. I'm not aggressive, I don't show off and I don't kiss on the first date because it takes so long for me to warm up. I might even be considered a wuss but let's just say I have a VERY adventurous mind and have the ability to prove it in a committed relationship. :lol: Without going into an adult theme let's just say my very first time doing it I made her hit 3 "O's" and she still calls me up months later looking for some fun. I know how to treat women I just need the opportunity to prove it. Online dating does not provide that because there are too many (sub-par) options for women to move on to but in real life I am hopelessly oblivious.


I think men tend to look at the dating approach in a more simplified and logical way. Whereas, women are more selective and look for personality traits. This is probably why inexperienced men often are not as successful in their attempts, because they don't know how women react to things. Just another gender miscommunication. I think overall, what keeps most people from being successful is being a little too judgmental at first and not just going with the flow and giving things a chance.



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29 May 2014, 1:43 pm

Vomelche wrote:
I think men tend to look at the dating approach in a more simplified and logical way. Whereas, women are more selective and look for personality traits. This is probably why inexperienced men often are not as successful in their attempts, because they don't know how women react to things. Just another gender miscommunication. I think overall, what keeps most people from being successful is being a little too judgmental at first and not just going with the flow and giving things a chance.

Totally agree and I would be lying if I wasn't extremely judgmental in the past. For example, I refused to date girls with nose piercings but then I thought "why not? It's not like they are permanent and besides, it's a tiny piece of metal!" I have tried to throw away the checklists and just go out in public with a nice shirt and a smile. No knows? The girl of my dreams might be right in front of me and I am too judgmental to notice.

It's kinda embarrassing how direct and blunt I was but as an inexperienced man I had little to go on and no idea that women might misinterpret me as somebody with one thing on their mind. I literally was unable to comprehend that sexual abuse is far, far more common than I imagined or that someone might be intimidated by a 6'6" guy cornering them when nobody else is around and rambling on for 5 minutes.

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
So it's not me who's being negative!

To be fair I was beating myself up pretty good so in hindsight she may have been a bit sarcastic. I know I have to stop the self-defeating attitude if I want to succeed!

Eureka31 wrote:
I've said it before and I'll say it again: people are not commodities. No one, male or female, is "one-size-fits-all" and is going to be THE one everybody wants to pick up off the shelf and take home.

I believe a lot of my attitude stems from my economics indoctrination.... I mean education. We were basically taught that EVERYTHING is a commodity, which I now realize is a complete load of grade A Bull&&#! For all I know my dream girl could be someone most people would consider "poor quality" like that geeky young lady with the acne and 15-20 grey hairs I saw last night walking alone after our sports game. I personally do not find big breasts, makeup or blonde hair the least bit attractive nor am I turned on by runway models.

DW_a_mom wrote:
GiantHockeyFan, I think you are going to be OK. You will find your person. Best of luck to you.

Thank you. I will admit I hesitated making this topic but I am very glad I did. Like the way this thread went I will probably find the finish line in dating will look rather different from what I imagined trying to see it from the starting gate.



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29 May 2014, 2:20 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
Vomelche wrote:
I think men tend to look at the dating approach in a more simplified and logical way. Whereas, women are more selective and look for personality traits. This is probably why inexperienced men often are not as successful in their attempts, because they don't know how women react to things. Just another gender miscommunication. I think overall, what keeps most people from being successful is being a little too judgmental at first and not just going with the flow and giving things a chance.

Totally agree and I would be lying if I wasn't extremely judgmental in the past. For example, I refused to date girls with nose piercings but then I thought "why not? It's not like they are permanent and besides, it's a tiny piece of metal!" I have tried to throw away the checklists and just go out in public with a nice shirt and a smile. No knows? The girl of my dreams might be right in front of me and I am too judgmental to notice.

It's kinda embarrassing how direct and blunt I was but as an inexperienced man I had little to go on and no idea that women might misinterpret me as somebody with one thing on their mind. I literally was unable to comprehend that sexual abuse is far, far more common than I imagined or that someone might be intimidated by a 6'6" guy cornering them when nobody else is around and rambling on for 5 minutes.

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
So it's not me who's being negative!

To be fair I was beating myself up pretty good so in hindsight she may have been a bit sarcastic. I know I have to stop the self-defeating attitude if I want to succeed!

Eureka31 wrote:
I've said it before and I'll say it again: people are not commodities. No one, male or female, is "one-size-fits-all" and is going to be THE one everybody wants to pick up off the shelf and take home.

I believe a lot of my attitude stems from my economics indoctrination.... I mean education. We were basically taught that EVERYTHING is a commodity, which I now realize is a complete load of grade A Bull&&#! For all I know my dream girl could be someone most people would consider "poor quality" like that geeky young lady with the acne and 15-20 grey hairs I saw last night walking alone after our sports game. I personally do not find big breasts, makeup or blonde hair the least bit attractive nor am I turned on by runway models.

DW_a_mom wrote:
GiantHockeyFan, I think you are going to be OK. You will find your person. Best of luck to you.

Thank you. I will admit I hesitated making this topic but I am very glad I did. Like the way this thread went I will probably find the finish line in dating will look rather different from what I imagined trying to see it from the starting gate.


that's kind of funny--i have a piercing in my nose (small silver rose-shaped pin in my left nostril) and it never would have occurred to me that some guys wouldn't consider dating me just because of that. :lol: it's good that you've loosened up on such things, though--there are lots of nice girls out there with some body modification, it's really not any sort of gauge of character. for me as an artist, it's a way for me to wear artistic expression on my physical form--i enjoy putting on makeup for the same reason, because it's like (literally) painting my face every day. not all people who go in for body modification are self-hating freaks or criminals. :wink:



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29 May 2014, 2:41 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
It's kinda embarrassing how direct and blunt I was but as an inexperienced man I had little to go on and no idea that women might misinterpret me as somebody with one thing on their mind. I literally was unable to comprehend that sexual abuse is far, far more common than I imagined or that someone might be intimidated by a 6'6" guy cornering them when nobody else is around and rambling on for 5 minutes.


This makes sense to me too now, why some people may find me intimidating. However, I think some people are also just very paranoid.



Maerlyn138
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29 May 2014, 11:25 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
I was recently chatting with a married female coworker about my dating life and she told me "you know what your problem is? You are a typical guy in his early 30s." In other words, my behavior is not that abnormal and her husband acts in much the same way at times. I have heard similar things from other married female coworkers so this wasn't her just trying to be nice.

My question would be why can't she see the obvious that regardless of anything else, he at least got married. Even getting a date to commit to #2 is a nightmare to me and God help me in trying to determine if a lady is interested. If I truly am a typical male, why do all the other "typical" guys manage to get into relationships and get married? He might be clueless, he might be immature and be obsessed with sports but what is it that he and other men have that I don't? Is it the body posture? Is it that I am too intense? Do I try too hard? I'm stumped!


So she's a feminist and all men are little boys to her. Who care what she thinks. She doesn't know you and she's showing her misandrony by lumping men together like that.


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30 May 2014, 3:21 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Quote:
6. Not standing out from the crowd and, thus, simply not getting noticed (and no one can be boring until they've been noticed and their personality revealed)


That's another expression for regular, or too average, aka 'boring'.


I disagree. Personality makes the person, and most certainly makes relationships. A room full of men you don't know may as well be a room full of statues, and women do not shop for the best looking statute in the room, even if they can't help admiring it (and in the process get temporarily distracted from taking a good look at the other statues). They want to read a book that touches them. Boring is a book that has little in it.



.


Am I boring?

I geuss I should have been more wild, broken laws and bones like my friends, I hate that i'm so honest, loyal, lawful and don't do risky things :(



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30 May 2014, 11:20 am

Vomelche wrote:
However, I think some people are also just very paranoid.

I remember my very first date was set up by my father's coworker's wife who knew a single girl she thought I should get to know. I even met her at the coworkers house (she had a home business) for a "supervised" first date and a coffee shop for a second date. Apparently I later found out she was "scared" of me. Hate to see what happens if I tried to kiss or touch her :roll:
sly279 wrote:
Am I boring?

I geuss I should have been more wild, broken laws and bones like my friends, I hate that i'm so honest, loyal, lawful and don't do risky things :(

I remember I was once being with my brother visiting Toronto at a mall and they had a mall wide police exhibit showing off pretty much all the equipment police would use in the line of duty. I remember how difficult it was to resist saying to the various police agencies present "is there any way you can all 'arrest' me at gunpoint after 'tazering' me and drag me into a police van handcuffed?" I was thinking along the lines of pulling a joke on my parents and grandparents back home but maybe I could have landed a few dates :lol:

In all seriousness, if women think I am "boring" after one 30 minute date or 5-6 email messages that's THEIR problem not mine. I would make a stable and loyal partner and lover as well as a reliable provider for a family and if they are too dumb to see what a great thing that is they are the ones who are losing out and are too immature to be with me. Luckily it's not like a job search where I HAVE to get a job or else and am forced to settle at times. I can survive on my own until I meet someone who deserves and earns my respect and admiration. It's proving far more difficult than I thought but whoever is willing to give me a chance will be thanking the heavens every day for being patient with me because as countless married women have told me I am "excellent Husband material" for the woman who catches me.

I decided recently to ignore all the "experts" and while being the best version of myself I am still unapologetically myself and if someone wants to be a part of my life they better learn to respect my personality. When I approached a job search with a similar attitude I still never got the job I dreamed of but I had FAR more interviews, far more offers and was treated better than I ever imagined. There was this girl being passive aggressive with me and rather than beat myself up, wonder what I did wrong or why girls treat me like the plague I simply just cut all non-superficial contact with her permanently as she is clearly not the one for me.