I never know what to do with my daughter

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I have not read all the answers so I hope I'm not repeating what's come before!

It is important that she find something that helps her to feel calm. This needs to be her project. You can help by giving suggestions but this is important for her life. Having her work on this might give her a sense of control over herself. My Asperger's daughter is 16. Here are some things that work for her (and have for years):
-- taking a shower when she feels really angry or stressed. This gets her away from other people, is relaxing and non-stressful.
-- listening to specific music.
-- burning inscence (only likes specific smells -- she had to pick out the scent and we had to always get it from the same place so we knew it was right) If you don't feel you can trust her with matches/lighters then plan will be for you to light the inscence for her when she asks.
-- Improving sleep (I hear you saying she takes melatonin. Is this working well enough? Is she getting enough sleep? When my daughter doesn't, she is a mess. If not, can you do a sleep study to see if there is some other problem such as sleep apnea, that is affecting her quality & quantity of sleep?) -- FYI we are doing a sleep study in July! I've always felt that sleep was a huge issue for her but my pediatrician never felt it was and until recently I didn't know I could request at least a sleep consult without a referral! The sleep dr. immediately put her on allergy medicine (singular -- has no side effects and everyone I've talked to has never had a problem with it -- pills are pretty small) which seems to be helping a bit with breathing and feeling stuffed up. Discussed her sleep routine, not going to bed as early as she had been (was tired but not falling asleep so laying there for hours not sleeping).
-- headphones that don't block all noise (not hearing anything makes my daughter anxious. She wants to tone down the noise but also keep her awareness)
-- Sitting in a specific place where she can feel calmer. My daughter has a place outside she runs to sit if she really needs to and we don't bother her. We know she is there and is safe. Or she goes to her room and sits between the wall and her bed on the floor with a blanket over her.
-- getting the anger/stress out through something physical besides hitting a person. Doing jumping jacks, running on the treadmill, running outside, taking a walk. This anger/stress just hangs out in the body unless you release it...(in our body too! that's why I walk the dogs twice a day!)

Once she can find something she can do for herself to calm down, then begin to help her become aware of when she is beginning to melt down so she can do these things to calm down BEFORE she is out of control. But you have to come up with the way to calm down before you can work on the awareness because it doesn't help to be aware if you have no where to put the anger/stress...(in my opinion). Right now she ends up feeling out of control, acts out of control and then you have to help her get under control. She needs to gain a sense of control by having a way to control herself. (I am not saying you're going to figure this out overnight but you can figure this out together!)

As for triggers, my daughter can also be triggered by EVERYTHING (our chewing, our breathing...) but when she is feeling this upset about everything it tends to be due to: hunger or tiredness.

I know people say taking things away is the way to cope with bad behavior but we never found that to be true. Our daughter has a very strong will (stronger than mine, I must admit!) and she would say, fine take it away, I don't care... It didn't seem to change her behavior or help and made her more angry at us (which often led to me worrying about taking things away and escalating a future situation...). Now I use the idea of fairness. There are times she is overwhelmed and she doesn't go to school or doesn't do something (or, in your case, might get violent) but when she calms down there is a a repercussion for that behavior: some extra chores or helping make dinner or taking the dogs for a walk I normally do. She seems to get the idea of "fairness" and agrees (which may seem surprising but perhaps is logical and that's why is works?!). This makes me less angry at her and her less angry at me.

Good luck!

Today I basically gave another parent the same advice I'm going ot give now: does your kid know about the internet? For me, as former insuferable brat (although given the circumstances it was understandable), good enough resources and advice was what helped me the most. You can't help your daughter if you don't even know what's going on and it honestly doesn't sound like you know what the heck is going on with her. She probably doesn't even know herself... she has to figure it out. The internet or other, maybe physical access to information is what will probably help her the most. Interactions with other autistic people who have gone through something like what she's going through is going to help.

For me, it wasn't until I broke through years of gaslighting (abusive parents) and figured out that I was actually different, mentally ill and autistic, and that it wasn't wrong of me to need certain accomodations, I was not weak or lazy, that I started on a path of self-improvement.

Also this has to be said, your daughter doesn't have the emotional maturity of a two year old. Perfectly capable autistic adults have meltdowns their entire lives, it doesn't make them any less deep or intelligent or patient or anything.

Her child has an official diagnosis, I don't think the OP pulled that emotional age out of the air. She did not say her 13 year old child is incapable, only that her emotional age substantially lags her chronological one. My 8 yr son's emotional age is diagnosed at about 60% of his chronological age, (lower than WPs aspie rule of thumb) and he is freaking brilliant at math and is teaching himself Japanese. (Modest, I am not) A lower emotional age does not imply being incapable. It just means the child has splinter skills that need to be accounted for.

Edited to add: This is harsher than I meant it to come out, but I don't know how to reword it. Please pretend this has a softer tone, as that is what I wish it had.

Jessiemom - thanks for letting me know all the things that work for your daughter. I will have to try to find things that work for mine too. The problem is she usually gets upset so quickly that by the time I make the suggestion to go calm down to play video games or watch a good tv show, she totally resists trying the activity. I realize hunger and fatigue play a huge role too, so I now offer to make her a snack. I am also making sure she takes her melatonin every night because on the weekends I sometimes forget and that seems to lead to meltdowns later on in the week.

We have had a much calmer 10 days since I have started valerian and she started fish oil, instead of getting angry and violent, she has been crying sadly when upset and I have been remaining calm and can diffuse the situation quickly.

Thirteenboats - we had to get rid of the internet because the drama online got her in trouble with the police when she decided to protect her friend and then her sister from online bullies. My daughter isn't really ready to read about autism and what it means for her. But she will be in an aspergers program at school next year where she will do 3 mainstream classes and one class in the aspergers room where they will watch movies and read books about asd.

ASDmommy is right to point out that my daughter really does cope as a 2 year old - it really says it in her psychological assessment. And if you were to see when she is sad, you would notice it too. I imagine as she grows up into adulthood and matures and learns new coping skills, she will age emotionally.

Helping her find ways to calm down is useful, but if you can figure out what is setting her off and find some solutions to those issues life will get a lot better all around.

I've been listening to Ross W Greene's weekly podcasts (archived at http://www.livesinthebalance.org/pycc-radio-program-and-listening-library), perhaps you might find them helpful while you're waiting for ABA to become available.

I think he would suggest writing down everything that upsets your daughter for a week. Focus on what she is having trouble with (ie difficulty sharing the cat) not the resulting behavior (ie screamed at her sister). This generates a list of problems that need solutions. Pick 2 or 3 to work on solving with her ("Plan B"), and for the rest you let go for now or go into prevention mode ("Plan C"). If you post some of the issues the folks here might have ideas on accommodation and prevention.

Over time, as you chip away at the things that are causing your daughter to explode, it will happen less and less often. She may also gain some skills at identifying and solving problems for herself.

Does the label she was given regarding emotional maturity have to do with tantrums? I still "threw tantrums" around her age. I did not have the emotional complexity of a two year old. I had limited means of expressing myself appropriately due to not being able to talk when I was upset. I was too overcome to express myself verbally (I wasn't violent, I did things like storm off or smack doors or repeat my request in a whiny voice instead of going foward and having an emotionally charged "talk" which was what was needed and which the average NT would have managed).

I see a lot of the advice being given as too focused on the micro. I remember one time in high school --I was selectively mute, couldn't talk under stress-- probably the kindest girl that ever approached me suggested that I write things down instead of talking because she was struggling to get words out of me but could sense that I wanted to talk, just had a hard time doing it. I desperately wanted to be able to communicate and I actually thought about it but I couldn't take that step because it would have been admiting that I was incapable of talking. It seemed like a really drastic thing to do, to go from the weird kid that never talked to someone that couldn't talk because, for some reason, I was distinctly different from others.

At that moment, she gave me a practical solution to my visible distress but the problem was much deeper than that. Your daughter's probably struggling with much more than just temporary out of control meltdowns. She's probably struggling with identity, feelings of inferiority, etc... you mention her being jelous of her sister, that probably has to do with this.

thirteenboats has a really good idea: writing things down can be really helpful! I didn't suggest it right off to my daughter (who is only a year older than yours) because she has serious deficit with reading comprehension and doesn't like reading. Turns out that not understanding what an author says has no impact on her love for writing what she is thinking, and she now has a blog! Definitely worth trying.

I also "translated" my dd's psychologist's suggestion to write notes for instructions or rules (we text instead) because it is simpler, can be referred to, and does not lead to lecturing each other. Writing "it is time for bed" is much more neutral, and does not involve any facial expressions or misinterpretation (she often thinks that I am mad at her when I am not). A nice bonus is that she often texts me that she loves me or sends emoticons.

J.

Zette - I will check into those podcasts - thanks for the link. I just got a new book finally that I ordered on amazon about managing meltdowns and hopefully it will give me some good suggestions.

Thirteenboats and Postcards - I don't know if she would like me to write instructions for her and we can't text because we do not have phone and/or the internet, but I will ask her to see if it will help her. It isn't something even considered, so thanks for the idea. Perhaps that would work for her because sometimes she thinks I am screaming at her when I am just repeating myself calmly.