Husband doesn't understand, or should husbands be like this

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Angnix
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05 Jun 2014, 1:16 pm

I was talking to my therapist today about the topic of my husband understanding Asperger's. I went home and tried again to make him understand but he refuses to believe that my traits make up some sort of disorder. But maybe this is a good thing? He loves me the way I am and he wouldn't want me to be different. My therapist says it sounds like we balance each other out. For example, he's really social so he helps me to be more social. We have a great relationship and it's an example of how a mixed Aspie/NT relationship can work.


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kraftiekortie
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05 Jun 2014, 1:18 pm

Seems fine to me. Don't fix what ain't broke.



Toy_Soldier
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05 Jun 2014, 1:37 pm

I am in mixed AS/NT marriage too and we have complimentary qualities as well. I myself like as much as possible to have things based on honesty, as it seems the only truly firm ground to base anything off of. So his not seeing things for what they are would bother me. People can be really weird however, and I mean NTs as well as AS. Sometimes they build these walls or fake constructions to make things more palatable to themselves, or deny things they do not wish to be. Some have problems accepting what others have said, and have to get there on their own.

But if all is otherwise well, I would not push the issue directly. Having presented your case already, I would now see if he will come to work it out on his own. I wouldn't avoid the issue or hide it. We have nothing to be ashamed of. To the contrary I would present myself as honestly and as confidently as I can. For example if I said or did something particularly Aspie, would make a off-hand comment like 'Now that's my Aspie side showing'. In other words treat it as it is a fact, unconfrontally, if possible even in a humorous vein.



businezguy
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05 Jun 2014, 1:44 pm

Angnix wrote:
I was talking to my therapist today about the topic of my husband understanding Asperger's. I went home and tried again to make him understand but he refuses to believe that my traits make up some sort of disorder. But maybe this is a good thing? He loves me the way I am and he wouldn't want me to be different. My therapist says it sounds like we balance each other out. For example, he's really social so he helps me to be more social. We have a great relationship and it's an example of how a mixed Aspie/NT relationship can work.


Accepting your Asperger's wouldn't make you different. In fact, in this instance it might be a trait he has fallen in love with and just doesn't know it.



smudge
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05 Jun 2014, 1:58 pm

Perhaps he sees it as putting yourself down and is just trying to make you feel better about yourself.



Shadi2
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05 Jun 2014, 4:34 pm

I don't know if it is common or not, but at least from my experience, yes its normal. Your husband probably doesn't perceive your Aspie traits as a disability or condition, they are part of who you are, and he loves you for who you are, "issues" included. Mine is the same way, and its ok with me because I also feel it is all part of me, part of the person that I am. The "bad" side to this tho is that he may be less understanding about some things you do (or don't do), so it wouldn't be such a bad thing if he could at least understand once in a while that some things might be difficult for you because of AS, and/or that you may do some things because of it, but on the bright side it pushes you to try and make a special effort to find solutions (or "ways around") for the things that you can "work on", or get around in some way.

I have to admit that I am pretty lucky in a way because, despite having his "temper" and a tendency to be impatient, my husband puts up with some things that I do that can be really annoying. Just one example: when I start giving a speech about a subject of interest, and sometimes get right in front of the tv even during one of his favorite shows (needless to say I don't do this intentionally), usually he will just say something like "you know I can't see through you" and "its ok I don't mind you talking its just my favorite show" lol, and then I realise that I am giving him a speech and that I am in front of the tv, so I move, stop the speech, and apologise. And often, just to make things even worse, apart from some things I have always been interested in, I usually have a specific subject of interest for months or even years, which, if I don't stop myself, I will talk about every single day, and he is tired as heck of hearing about it, to where he actually hates this subject and doesn't even want to hear about it. In fact it amazes me how patient he can be with me sometimes, considering how impatient he can get at other times (he's human, I can't ask him to be Mother Theresa) and/or with other people, he's not a saint tho and I also put up with his issues lol.


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