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BF asked another woman out secretly

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monkeygirl
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05 Jun 2014, 3:14 pm

Been committed to this (NT) guy for most of the last 7 years. Recently, I read his text messages, this is the first time I've ever read them. And I find out he's texting, winking and even asked this woman (his ex) out on a date!
But he says it was innocent, just wanted to talk. But, he says he did not call her, which should be the logical way to talk to someone.
He said it fizzled out and he did not go out with her. He says he shouldn't even tell me about things like this.
I have always told him to talk to me if he is curious about another woman, it's human nature. But he snuck around.
Now he's mad and won't talk to me! Our brief conversations about this, I've been calm & polite, trying to understand...Now he wants me to just wait for him to call me?
He's been great overall but this seems like a major betrayal to me.

I have no friends to ask for opinions, so I hope someone here will have advice or opinions.



aspiemike
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05 Jun 2014, 3:29 pm

If you were to get any answer from him, he can't feel pressured into talking to you. So in that sense, it is best to wait for him to talk to you about it. If he wants you to wait until he calls, I would recommend doing so. Give yourself some time to think this over as well and figure where you would like this relationship to go and what you won't deal with. It seems your faith and trust in this guy is a little shaken, but after 7 years, I would gather you would like to give him the chance to explain himself to you.

Many people in here will tell you to dump him and that he doesn't deserve you. Truth as I see it is he just needs to find a way to reassure you.


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monkeygirl
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05 Jun 2014, 3:39 pm

Thanks, aspiemike. Your advice is helpful.



tarantella64
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05 Jun 2014, 3:51 pm

1. I'd be mad too if my SO read my texts without permission.
2. Are you sure this was a date that was planned, or is he just meeting up with her as an old friend? Lots of people maintain friendships with exes.



YippySkippy
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05 Jun 2014, 3:55 pm

Call the ex and ask her what's up. :D



Dantac
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05 Jun 2014, 6:18 pm

monkeygirl wrote:
Been committed to this (NT) guy for most of the last 7 years. Recently, I read his text messages, this is the first time I've ever read them. And I find out he's texting, winking and even asked this woman (his ex) out on a date!
But he says it was innocent, just wanted to talk. But, he says he did not call her, which should be the logical way to talk to someone.
He said it fizzled out and he did not go out with her. He says he shouldn't even tell me about things like this.
I have always told him to talk to me if he is curious about another woman, it's human nature. But he snuck around.
Now he's mad and won't talk to me! Our brief conversations about this, I've been calm & polite, trying to understand...Now he wants me to just wait for him to call me?
He's been great overall but this seems like a major betrayal to me.

I have no friends to ask for opinions, so I hope someone here will have advice or opinions.


Just keep in mind that he did keep texting his ex and did ask her out. There's a big difference between talking to an ex as a friend and asking her out on a date. There is nothing innocent about a date.

More importantly... 7 years and he has not asked you to marry him? How old are you willing to be to wait for him to make up his mind?



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05 Jun 2014, 6:27 pm

monkeygirl wrote:
Been committed to this (NT) guy for most of the last 7 years. Recently, I read his text messages, this is the first time I've ever read them. And I find out he's texting, winking and even asked this woman (his ex) out on a date!
But he says it was innocent, just wanted to talk. But, he says he did not call her, which should be the logical way to talk to someone.
He said it fizzled out and he did not go out with her. He says he shouldn't even tell me about things like this.
I have always told him to talk to me if he is curious about another woman, it's human nature. But he snuck around.
Now he's mad and won't talk to me! Our brief conversations about this, I've been calm & polite, trying to understand...Now he wants me to just wait for him to call me?
He's been great overall but this seems like a major betrayal to me.

I have no friends to ask for opinions, so I hope someone here will have advice or opinions.


Personally I'd dump him. Secrecy makes a shaky foundation for a relationship.

I don't understand people being furious when people read their texts. Personally, I would be happy for my date to read mine, if anything it would simply prove I'm trustworthy.



modernmax
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05 Jun 2014, 7:43 pm

aspiemike wrote:
If you were to get any answer from him, he can't feel pressured into talking to you. So in that sense, it is best to wait for him to talk to you about it. If he wants you to wait until he calls, I would recommend doing so. Give yourself some time to think this over as well and figure where you would like this relationship to go and what you won't deal with. It seems your faith and trust in this guy is a little shaken, but after 7 years, I would gather you would like to give him the chance to explain himself to you.

Many people in here will tell you to dump him and that he doesn't deserve you. Truth as I see it is he just needs to find a way to reassure you.


By United States common law they are married.

Dump him if he actually goes out on a full fledged date with her, and keep an eye on him too to make sure that doesn't happen.


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05 Jun 2014, 8:04 pm

monkeygirl wrote:
Been committed to this (NT) guy for most of the last 7 years. Recently, I read his text messages, this is the first time I've ever read them. And I find out he's texting, winking and even asked this woman (his ex) out on a date!
But he says it was innocent, just wanted to talk. But, he says he did not call her, which should be the logical way to talk to someone.
He said it fizzled out and he did not go out with her. He says he shouldn't even tell me about things like this.
I have always told him to talk to me if he is curious about another woman, it's human nature. But he snuck around.
Now he's mad and won't talk to me! Our brief conversations about this, I've been calm & polite, trying to understand...Now he wants me to just wait for him to call me?
He's been great overall but this seems like a major betrayal to me.

I have no friends to ask for opinions, so I hope someone here will have advice or opinions.


I was friends with a guy like this, he was up to having 3 separate girlfriends at one point. When one GF found a pic, he did just about the same thing your BF did, he turned it around on her not trusting him and being paranoid. Before and after this incident, he was always calm and pleasant, but he was on the total offensive when the "Who is this Girl?" question came up.

Going on the offensive is an effective way to make the other person doubt themselves. I'm really sorry that this is what your 7 year relationship led to. I think you deserve a fresh start in your life without this person, he definitely doesn't deserve a second chance if you ask me.


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jrjones9933
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05 Jun 2014, 8:12 pm

modernmax wrote:
By United States common law they are married.

Probably not. It varies from state to state. You would have to tell other people that you are married.



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05 Jun 2014, 10:55 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
monkeygirl wrote:
Been committed to this (NT) guy for most of the last 7 years. Recently, I read his text messages, this is the first time I've ever read them. And I find out he's texting, winking and even asked this woman (his ex) out on a date!
But he says it was innocent, just wanted to talk. But, he says he did not call her, which should be the logical way to talk to someone.
He said it fizzled out and he did not go out with her. He says he shouldn't even tell me about things like this.
I have always told him to talk to me if he is curious about another woman, it's human nature. But he snuck around.
Now he's mad and won't talk to me! Our brief conversations about this, I've been calm & polite, trying to understand...Now he wants me to just wait for him to call me?
He's been great overall but this seems like a major betrayal to me.

I have no friends to ask for opinions, so I hope someone here will have advice or opinions.


Personally I'd dump him. Secrecy makes a shaky foundation for a relationship.

I don't understand people being furious when people read their texts. Personally, I would be happy for my date to read mine, if anything it would simply prove I'm trustworthy.


to trust someone is a feeling not based on facts, if a person needs proof to trust someone, then they don't really trust them.

I have no need to read someone's text to trust them, and can see how some see it as privacy invasion and untrusting.
that said I get curious what people text few times, but not cause i think they being bad or saying stuff about me. I am curious at heart.



hale_bopp
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05 Jun 2014, 11:19 pm

sly279 wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
monkeygirl wrote:
Been committed to this (NT) guy for most of the last 7 years. Recently, I read his text messages, this is the first time I've ever read them. And I find out he's texting, winking and even asked this woman (his ex) out on a date!
But he says it was innocent, just wanted to talk. But, he says he did not call her, which should be the logical way to talk to someone.
He said it fizzled out and he did not go out with her. He says he shouldn't even tell me about things like this.
I have always told him to talk to me if he is curious about another woman, it's human nature. But he snuck around.
Now he's mad and won't talk to me! Our brief conversations about this, I've been calm & polite, trying to understand...Now he wants me to just wait for him to call me?
He's been great overall but this seems like a major betrayal to me.

I have no friends to ask for opinions, so I hope someone here will have advice or opinions.


Personally I'd dump him. Secrecy makes a shaky foundation for a relationship.

I don't understand people being furious when people read their texts. Personally, I would be happy for my date to read mine, if anything it would simply prove I'm trustworthy.


to trust someone is a feeling not based on facts, if a person needs proof to trust someone, then they don't really trust them.

I have no need to read someone's text to trust them, and can see how some see it as privacy invasion and untrusting.
that said I get curious what people text few times, but not cause i think they being bad or saying stuff about me. I am curious at heart.


Well she had a pretty good reason to not have any trust, he turned out to be flirting with someone else. I'm not saying I condone reading other people's messages. I'm saying I wouldn't care if someone read mine. I have nothing to hide. Hiding your phone from your partner or going to great lengths to keep them from seeing it will raise suspicion.



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06 Jun 2014, 2:11 am

He got caught and he's trying to shame you for violating his privacy instead of being shamed of his cheating (or attempt of cheating), he's shifting the shaming.



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06 Jun 2014, 2:16 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
He got caught and he's trying to shame you for violating his privacy instead of being shamed of his cheating (or attempt of cheating), he's shifting the shaming.


He needs the Order of the Boot.



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06 Jun 2014, 2:17 am

tarantella64 wrote:
1. I'd be mad too if my SO read my texts without permission.
2. Are you sure this was a date that was planned, or is he just meeting up with her as an old friend? Lots of people maintain friendships with exes.


If you find out that your SO killed someone by reading his texts, wouldn't you call the police?
Or you just feel guilty for violating his privacy?



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06 Jun 2014, 5:31 am

He seems like a wanker who is trying to make you feel like you're the one at fault. Let the fool have the pip with you. Don't talk to him first.