NT wife needs help understand sex life with AS husband

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No, you misunderstand completely. And rdos, I'm not going to answer any question about "what feminists believe" - there isn't a feminist factory out there implanting standard chips.

People don't owe each other sex, though it's a normal human desire. If a spouse (regardless of gender) doesn't want to do it any more, fine -- but that's no reason why the other spouse should have to stop having sex too. At that point, as far as I'm concerned, the marriage is open.

Now, having said that, if a guy comes to me and gives me a sob story about his nonsexy wife, I want to talk to the wife and know what's actually going on. And if she's like, "Yeah, I'm just not into it, have fun," then we're on.

I understand that the OP wants to have sex with her husband of 17 years and that there's not just sex but love in there. However, he's made it quite clear that he don't want no more. And she does not belong to go pressuring him about it, or poking away, or trying to get him diagnosed as defective and fixable. His sexuality is entirely up to him. And in the meantime, she gets to come to grips with that disappointing reality without trying to guilt-trip him, and -- assuming she still wants sex -- go find some, or please herself.

I will not disagree that it might take more than one try someone both can work with and benefit from. It's almost like a marriage, you have to find the right match for the unique individuals involved, AND someone who knows something about Aspergers (as in REALLY knows, not just one of those who think they know but are decades out of date).

Agreed. Maybe the NT wife needs sex for bonding, but the Aspies husband doesn't, and now he sees no point in having sex anymore. I can certainly relate to that at least.

See above.

Not if you are asexual.



Disagree. One partner losing interest in sex is not a reason for a marriage to suddenly become open. That's a ridiculous claim. If you view marriage like that you shouldn't get married, at least not without making sure your partner really agrees with this.

I suppose we could carry this further as well: If one partner suddenly realize he/she is polyamory he/she would then be entitled to bring in another person, even if the other is strictly monogamous. The alternative to let the marriage become open is not a valid option here either.

No, I'm really no into this "counsel him back into trying sex/find the problem and fix" approach. I think grownups are pretty well aware of when they want sex and when they don't, and that not wanting sex is a perfectly legitimate thing. And while yes, it can be a big part of a marriage, that imposes no obligation. It's also a weird thing to imagine - that someone owes you sex in a marriage - considering how often people really can't have sex even when they want it. Bodies get sick and fragile. I think the issue here is that "I don't want to f**k" is not synonymous with "I don't love you."

True, but most people are not asexual.



Despite your own asexuality, rdos, for most people, sex is a normal desire, and most people recognize this. Controlling someone else's sexuality is what's not in the cards in marriage. (This is where poly advocates set up this nutsy strawman about how monogamy entails "owning" other people.) If you're married and your partner realizes he's poly, and wants to live in a poly marriage, and you don't, then this is probably the end of your marriage. Why? Because you don't get to control other people's sexuality. Similarly, if the OP's husband can't tolerate the idea of an open marriage but wants to end their sexual life, and sex is an important part of the OP's life, then that may be the end of that marriage.

I do think things change when you have children, because then the priority is not your sexual happiness; it's the wellbeing of the children. And children fare best in stable situations with grownups who are committed to them -- not committed in theory, but who actually show up, do, work on their behalf, help raise them, and are reliable in this regard, don't float in and out of their lives. In that case you look to the deal that was made when you started, and the one who's suddenly dying to make a change had better figure out how to do this in a manner acceptable to the rest of the people he's responsible to and for. A lot of trouble happens when parents suddenly turn selfish and the childrearing's just barely begun.

In reality, what people do is compromise. A compromise that leaves someone feeling violated, though, is not a good compromise.

Last edited by tarantella64 on 10 Jun 2014, 3:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ok, before we wreck some home, I advise the OP to encourage her husband to check his testosterone level (he might resist the idea) - sex after all is a biological act, so it's very probable his loss of interest is due to some biological issue, or to ask him if there's some unappealing change in her apperance, which may be fixed.
Whatever the real reason is, she won't find it here in this thread.

I don't think sex is any different from other things that a couple needs to compromise about. That said, people in a marriage "until they get bored" will of course consider a non-existent or bad sex-life as a prime reason to breakup. However, I do not find it a valid reason, and it is certainly not a valid reason in regards to the wedding vows the couple once gave each other.



Poly is not just about sex. In fact, polyamory means being in love with more than one person at the same time, and that doesn't need to include sex.

And it is true. Monogamy is is about owing people, and about controlling people's sexuality.



Sure. Me voting liberal and my wife voting socialist is a reason to end an marriage. Me being an atheist and my wife being Christian is another. I can came up with thousands of reasons to end an marriage.

For me, however, ending my marriage is not an option regardless of what happens (unless it is an issue of life an death). That position goes a long way in avoiding a divorce even if there are problems.

what if he has erectile dysfunction that he is embarrassed about, or upset about his body, or prostate problems, people have lots of issues to do with sex that they are embarrassed talking to their partner about and a therapist can be a good intermediary, surely it is worth examining the problem somewhat??

There's a LOT of speculation going on without knowing all the facts, and quite a bit of irrelevant conversation as well. I have no idea how this turned into such a swamp, but hopefully I can offer some assistance here. Really, it boils down to three words:

Talk to him. See how easy that was guys? Speculation will get us nowhere. Never has, never will.

Get the facts straight from the source, that's the most reasonable option. Don't just take it at face value, believe me, he has legitimate reasons for not being interested, and I'm sure he will open up to you if you approach it in the right manner. After all, you've been married 17 years (seriously, that's a wonderful marriage right there, I've only been alive for 24 years). It's a safe assumption from your use of "no longer" that you at some point in the past had some kind of bedroom romance, but I'm not going to draw any conclusions about frequency, longevity, or any of that other irrelevant crap. The fact of the matter is that your husband and only your husband knows the real reason why he's not interested. I could speculate a thousand different reasons for this, but let me be blunt here: being an AS male, I suspect he knows you aren't happy with it, but he may just need careful prodding to open up and tell you the exact reason why. As long as you do that, he will open up. Just make sure it's in private, and make sure it's obvious you want this to be a private conversation, with no one else knowing his reasons why.

Best of luck to you, and I sincerely hope your marriage will get through this little speed bump. As I like to say, you can slow down and let the speed bump take control of everything, or speed up and let it be the wind beneath your wings.

If you haven't already, I would let him know you still want to and see if he is willing to see a doctor about it. As others have mentioned there might be several things contributing. It may even be psychological. Physical relations are an important part of a relationship and shouldn't be abandoned easily. Early 40s is way too young to be dropping that. Maybe 80s.

from what i've seen most times its I don't want to have sex but we married so you can go have it with others. or its cheating/divorce/me getting your stuff. I think a person should get permission then if its no decide if this is a relationship they want to be in anymore.

I couldn't cheat even if they said it was ok. I am extremely loyal. for this reason I consider sexual stuff into deciding who i'll be with. I could deal with not much sex providing they let me relieve myself, though it would suck not to be able to please her , but no sex would be terrible. I too would feel worried.

A little background...

We are in counseling together, and we go separately. Our therapist is incredibly smart and talented and we trust her implicitly. When I asked the therapist about why my husband said he's no longer interested she said it's because he's put a wall.

There really isn't anything in our relationship that has changed -- I have not gained/lost weight -- in fact, since I've returned to work after being a SAHM for years I actually look better than I have in years. I'm not a *10*, but I'm certainly not unattractive. The one major change in our lives is his promotion at work that happened in January. He sought out and fought for his advancement...but there was a catch. He needed to finish his current project (he's an engineer) and while learning his new management role. I could tell by mid-February he was in over his head. My guess is this is "the wall".

I have asked him to have his testosterone levels checked but all I get is a grumble.

Anyone else been a similar situation with their SO? Those who mentioned asexual -- please tell me more about that. I'm so grateful for the healthy discussion you had while I was away. Thanks!

It's probably tiresome from his new promotion (and yes, it does decrease testosterone too), I hope you won't consider cheating quickly like tarantella suggested before trying everything. Overall, it's one of those odd behaviors men often do, we bottle up our issues.

Typical 40ish man lol.

Seems reasonable. He is overloaded with work and maybe he feels like he needs time alone, and then you want him to fill part of this with sex. If he really bonded with sex, like most people do, he would have considered sex as a way to relax, but it appears he rather see it as yet another choir, and decided to cut that out in order to survive. At least that is one possible reason.

I think it is bad he decided to be so categorical about not having sex anymore. It's a bad sign that could become compulsive and something he needs to uphold. It would have far been better if he just decided you have sex less often instead. You need to work with him on this one in a smart way.

Asexuality is a kind of problematic term since it often seems to be a desire not to have sexual intercourse, rather than no sex drive. At least that's the reason I identify as asexual. I do have a sex-drive, I just dislike sexual intercourse, and find it boring as I don't bond that way which makes it kind of without purpose. And variety doesn't help a lot here either as it is the act itself that is boring.