NT wife needs help understand sex life with AS husband

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rdos
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11 Jun 2014, 2:00 am

ntwife20 wrote:
There really isn't anything in our relationship that has changed -- I have not gained/lost weight -- in fact, since I've returned to work after being a SAHM for years I actually look better than I have in years. I'm not a *10*, but I'm certainly not unattractive. The one major change in our lives is his promotion at work that happened in January. He sought out and fought for his advancement...but there was a catch. He needed to finish his current project (he's an engineer) and while learning his new management role. I could tell by mid-February he was in over his head. My guess is this is "the wall".


Seems reasonable. He is overloaded with work and maybe he feels like he needs time alone, and then you want him to fill part of this with sex. If he really bonded with sex, like most people do, he would have considered sex as a way to relax, but it appears he rather see it as yet another choir, and decided to cut that out in order to survive. At least that is one possible reason.

I think it is bad he decided to be so categorical about not having sex anymore. It's a bad sign that could become compulsive and something he needs to uphold. It would have far been better if he just decided you have sex less often instead. You need to work with him on this one in a smart way.

Asexuality is a kind of problematic term since it often seems to be a desire not to have sexual intercourse, rather than no sex drive. At least that's the reason I identify as asexual. I do have a sex-drive, I just dislike sexual intercourse, and find it boring as I don't bond that way which makes it kind of without purpose. And variety doesn't help a lot here either as it is the act itself that is boring.



DW_a_mom
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11 Jun 2014, 11:22 am

ntwife20 wrote:
A little background...

We are in counseling together, and we go separately. Our therapist is incredibly smart and talented and we trust her implicitly. When I asked the therapist about why my husband said he's no longer interested she said it's because he's put a wall.

There really isn't anything in our relationship that has changed -- I have not gained/lost weight -- in fact, since I've returned to work after being a SAHM for years I actually look better than I have in years. I'm not a *10*, but I'm certainly not unattractive. The one major change in our lives is his promotion at work that happened in January. He sought out and fought for his advancement...but there was a catch. He needed to finish his current project (he's an engineer) and while learning his new management role. I could tell by mid-February he was in over his head. My guess is this is "the wall".

I have asked him to have his testosterone levels checked but all I get is a grumble.

Anyone else been a similar situation with their SO? Those who mentioned asexual -- please tell me more about that. I'm so grateful for the healthy discussion you had while I was away. Thanks!


You may be onto something with the connection between being overwhelmed at work and the lack of interest.

One thing that I see with my ASD husband and my ASD son is that coping in difficult situations can really defeat them. They only know one road to take, and when that road doesn't take them where they expected to go, they aren't capable of seeing any side streets, speed limit changes, or options for turning around. They really feel stuck.

I would like to get more information on how your husband sees this wall.

At this point I am going to speculate that this change is, in fact, temporary. That as you continue in therapy and he settles into his new job, he may be persuaded to change his mind. There are no guarantees, but ...


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michael517
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11 Jun 2014, 1:34 pm

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They only know one road to take, and when that road doesn't take them where they expected to go, they aren't capable of seeing any side streets, speed limit changes, or options for turning around. They really feel stuck.


Guilty as charged. I'm an engineer, by the way. I have fallen into a trap like that. The future CEO of the company came down on me for a decision I made, and it sort of just froze me, threw me into a depression. This pre-dates me figuring out I had ASD.

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I could tell by mid-February he was in over his head.


Sounds like you have already figured it out.

I would not consider myself asexual.



tarantella64
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11 Jun 2014, 2:55 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
It's probably tiresome from his new promotion (and yes, it does decrease testosterone too), I hope you won't consider cheating quickly like tarantella suggested before trying everything. Overall, it's one of those odd behaviors men often do, we bottle up our issues.

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I have asked him to have his testosterone levels checked but all I get is a grumble.


Typical 40ish man lol.


Indeed. But not cheating, no. This is something to have a conversation about.

A 40something man is a grown man capable of looking after his own medical issues, if medical issues are what he's got. If he doesn't want to probe them, that's his business. But if she doesn't want a sexless middle age, then either, you know, self-fulfillment, or she can have a conversation with him and say look, sweetie, I know you don't want sex anymore, but I'm not sexually dead and it's not fair of you to try to take me with you. If you're serious about this, I love you and I don't want to end our marriage over this, but I'd like to open this up to a third party, find a boyfriend.

And then, well, from there. He can decide what he wants to do. If he wants to have some separate sessions with the counselor in which he talks about wanting to continue having a physical relationship with his wife but [things in the way], fine; if he's really done with that, then so it goes, but it's only fair to recognize that it'd be quite selfish of him to demand that she end her sex life, too.



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12 Jun 2014, 6:10 am

I'm in a sexless marriage with a ASD man. It's horrible. So the original poster. I can fully sympathise. I'm really sorry you're in this position.

Although I agree with Tarantella in principle, in practice our lives are messy and complicated and emotionally charged and cheating or opening your marriage is a big, big step.

You have every right to tell him that this makes you feel lonely and undesirable. Or how it makes you feel like your relationship is less than a marriage. He may or may not get it. In my case, my husband certainly didn't.

You have every right to try to work on the marriage including the sex part. He has every right not to do so, of course - and he probably won't.

People who haven't been on the non-receiving end of a sexless marriage won't and cant' understand exactly how this feels. Being rejected by the person who is supposed to love you and to whom you have pledged mutual sexual exclusivity really, really hurts.

In the end, I did cheat. I didn't 'open' my marriage. But I worked hard on the issues for a long time. I tried hard. Really hard, before I stepped out. I don't feel that he has any right to expect my fidelity. Though I know he does. I wouldn't care if he f**d someone else, but I don't think he will. I would be happy for him if he did, at this point. And I'd love for him to eventually find someone else. I'd just want to make sure she was kind to my son, but I know I wouldn't have any way to ensure that.

Anyone who tells me to divorce. Please, just keep it yourselves, I'm working on it. I don't want to live this way. But life is complicated.

I suggest that you check out The Experience Project group "I live in a Sexless Marriage". There are a lot of people there who understand how you feel.



tarantella64
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12 Jun 2014, 9:11 am

elkclan wrote:
I'm in a sexless marriage with a ASD man. It's horrible. So the original poster. I can fully sympathise. I'm really sorry you're in this position.

Although I agree with Tarantella in principle, in practice our lives are messy and complicated and emotionally charged and cheating or opening your marriage is a big, big step.

You have every right to tell him that this makes you feel lonely and undesirable. Or how it makes you feel like your relationship is less than a marriage. He may or may not get it. In my case, my husband certainly didn't.

You have every right to try to work on the marriage including the sex part. He has every right not to do so, of course - and he probably won't.

People who haven't been on the non-receiving end of a sexless marriage won't and cant' understand exactly how this feels. Being rejected by the person who is supposed to love you and to whom you have pledged mutual sexual exclusivity really, really hurts.

In the end, I did cheat. I didn't 'open' my marriage. But I worked hard on the issues for a long time. I tried hard. Really hard, before I stepped out. I don't feel that he has any right to expect my fidelity. Though I know he does. I wouldn't care if he f**d someone else, but I don't think he will. I would be happy for him if he did, at this point. And I'd love for him to eventually find someone else. I'd just want to make sure she was kind to my son, but I know I wouldn't have any way to ensure that.

Anyone who tells me to divorce. Please, just keep it yourselves, I'm working on it. I don't want to live this way. But life is complicated.

I suggest that you check out The Experience Project group "I live in a Sexless Marriage". There are a lot of people there who understand how you feel.


You've got a kid, that's a bit different. Of course you'll want to preserve stability. I'm not actually a fan of open marriages when kids are involved unless all parties are hella discreet. And divorce, no, for the reason you mention. (I've been very grateful that my ex-husband's both picky and weird.) It sounds like your son's quite young. I'm sorry you're in this situation.



rdos
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12 Jun 2014, 9:46 am

I don't think it is fair to complain about sexless marriages unless it happened suddenly for no reason. I mean, if somebody marriages a man (or woman) that doesn't like a lot of sex, they should suspect that to happen.



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12 Jun 2014, 2:57 pm

rdos wrote:
AardvarkGoodSwimmer wrote:
How about this as reasonably likely explanation . .

As a guy in the full flush of middle age at 42, your husband doesn't get the hornies as often, not like he used to. But he didn't want to disappoint you, or perhaps even acknowledge this to himself. So, like an athlete doing a workout when he or she is really not in the mood, your husband did it anyway.

This went on for a long while.

And now, he just plain doesn't like sex. (this as one possibility among a number of others)


Sounds reasonable and plausible.

Or, it could be something else.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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12 Jun 2014, 3:14 pm

ntwife20 wrote:
. . . The one major change in our lives is his promotion at work that happened in January. He sought out and fought for his advancement...but there was a catch. He needed to finish his current project (he's an engineer) and while learning his new management role. I could tell by mid-February he was in over his head. . .

This is a big deal. How is he going to feel potent, engaged, powerful, involved in the world, etc., if he feels like he is not succeeding?

The fact that he was essentially given two jobs at once does not bode well. Why couldn't he delegate the first project in a responsible way? Maybe the company doesn't let him manage his own way. Or, if he tries hands-on, maybe it's viewed as micromanagement. Or his former colleagues may resent the fact that he got the promotion and they did not. And so, when work used to be a series of positive, worthwhile interactions, it may now be anything but.

One solution is that failure is honorable. It's okay to try something and fail at it. People fail at all kinds of things. Or, it's like poker. If you misplay a hand, just learn what you can for future hands. And even if you get a good read where the odds are 80% in your favor, well, that can work out in one of two ways. (Perhaps baseball and business are more constructive examples than poker)



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12 Jun 2014, 5:09 pm

tarantella64 wrote:
if he's really done with that, then so it goes, but it's only fair to recognize that it'd be quite selfish of him to demand that she end her sex life, too.

And it wouldn't be selfish for her to "open the marriage up" and have sex with another man?? And if it's gone about the cheating route that stands as one of the most selfish things I can imagine.



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12 Jun 2014, 8:20 pm

Deuterium wrote:
tarantella64 wrote:
if he's really done with that, then so it goes, but it's only fair to recognize that it'd be quite selfish of him to demand that she end her sex life, too.

And it wouldn't be selfish for her to "open the marriage up" and have sex with another man?? And if it's gone about the cheating route that stands as one of the most selfish things I can imagine.


No, I don't think so. No one has the right to demand sex from you in marriage (or at any other time), but it's also not right to hold someone else's sexuality hostage simply because you don't want any sex yourself. If it's a temporary thing, that's one thing, but her husband is saying he's just not interested anymore. And it happens -- people sometimes go years, decades without being much interested. If it's a choice between divorcing over it and opening the marriage so that the other partner can continue to have a sex life, then the latter seems to me preferable, though I understand that there are people who'd rather just split altogether (which seems to me silly).



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12 Jun 2014, 8:22 pm

AardvarkGoodSwimmer wrote:
ntwife20 wrote:
. . . The one major change in our lives is his promotion at work that happened in January. He sought out and fought for his advancement...but there was a catch. He needed to finish his current project (he's an engineer) and while learning his new management role. I could tell by mid-February he was in over his head. . .

This is a big deal. How is he going to feel potent, engaged, powerful, involved in the world, etc., if he feels like he is not succeeding?

The fact that he was essentially given two jobs at once does not bode well. Why couldn't he delegate the first project in a responsible way? Maybe the company doesn't let him manage his own way. Or, if he tries hands-on, maybe it's viewed as micromanagement. Or his former colleagues may resent the fact that he got the promotion and they did not. And so, when work used to be a series of positive, worthwhile interactions, it may now be anything but.

One solution is that failure is honorable. It's okay to try something and fail at it. People fail at all kinds of things. Or, it's like poker. If you misplay a hand, just learn what you can for future hands. And even if you get a good read where the odds are 80% in your favor, well, that can work out in one of two ways. (Perhaps baseball and business are more constructive examples than poker)


It's pretty usual when you're in an organisation and you're switching jobs or roles -- you're finishing up one project while beginning the next. People do it because the time on the two doesn't mesh, the opportunities and deadlines don't match up. It means a few hellish months and then you're in a better place professionally. It's also a bad time to drop the ball. But I can see it working very poorly with AS.



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12 Jun 2014, 8:46 pm

So I suppose anyone whose libido dies as they age gets to look forward to their spouse screwing someone else. Wonderful. (sarcasm)



tarantella64
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12 Jun 2014, 9:47 pm

Deuterium wrote:
So I suppose anyone whose libido dies as they age gets to look forward to their spouse screwing someone else. Wonderful. (sarcasm)


It's not as though you own the other person's sexuality, is it? I'd think you'd want them to go on enjoying themselves even if you couldn't. Or is their libido supposed to die along with yours?

It's very hard for me to imagine trying to keep someone from having a sex life if it were something I couldn't or didn't want to do. I mean I might not want to hear all about it, but...I mean it's like anything else, if I lost interest in or couldn't do something else significant we'd done together, I think I'd be quite annoyed if the man decided to play sacrifices for me. It's one thing if he'd enjoyed it because it was me, and really didn't want to do whatever it was with someone else, but otherwise....

I hadn't thought of this before, but towards the end of a long and failing relationship, I was seriously injured and couldn't have sex for a long time, over a year. My guy made a big point of "remaining faithful", but honestly I think it would've been better if he'd found someone to have a romp with now and then. He got all hangdog and now and then would ask -- when I was obviously in pain -- if I wanted to have sex that night, and no, of course I didn't, I was in pain! I wound up feeling pressured and annoyed, and he felt miserable and sexless. It never occurred to me to tell him "go find someone", but I wish it had.



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12 Jun 2014, 10:41 pm

All this talk about faithful v open really depends on personal values. The key is that both spouses have to share the same core value on the issue. As long as they are in agreement, there is nothing to debate.


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rdos
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13 Jun 2014, 12:38 am

tarantella64 wrote:
It's very hard for me to imagine trying to keep someone from having a sex life if it were something I couldn't or didn't want to do. I mean I might not want to hear all about it, but...I mean it's like anything else, if I lost interest in or couldn't do something else significant we'd done together, I think I'd be quite annoyed if the man decided to play sacrifices for me. It's one thing if he'd enjoyed it because it was me, and really didn't want to do whatever it was with someone else, but otherwise....


If you aren't able to sacrifice and compromise you shouldn't be in a relationship. That's probably why part of my courtship preferences is a need for a lot of determination (over a time of perhaps a year) before I even get seriously interested, which probably is a good thing as it weeds-out people that are superficial and won't make sacrifices and will rather split-up than compromise.

tarantella64 wrote:
I hadn't thought of this before, but towards the end of a long and failing relationship, I was seriously injured and couldn't have sex for a long time, over a year. My guy made a big point of "remaining faithful", but honestly I think it would've been better if he'd found someone to have a romp with now and then. He got all hangdog and now and then would ask -- when I was obviously in pain -- if I wanted to have sex that night, and no, of course I didn't, I was in pain! I wound up feeling pressured and annoyed, and he felt miserable and sexless. It never occurred to me to tell him "go find someone", but I wish it had.


This is totally alien to me. You don't go screw others if your partner has no interest or have health problems.