46 year old Bro in Law likely has Asperger's, now urgent

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First of all, I appreciate all of the input and even criticism, this is why I came to this forum and I am trying to be open minded and consider everyone's feelings involved. And as said, this is an incredibly difficult situation that I'm trying to sort out, and I'm not sure I've adequately conveyed the full story and background to give a full picture. My initial intention was to learn how to deal with someone who I suspect has Asperger's who is about to go though a major and sure to be jarring transition in a timeline that would not be to his benefit.


Things may have potentially taken a horrible turn, as I logged on to facebook and found my BIL posted a picture of himself with a gun. This is one of his "modeling" type shots that he frequently posts, and I don't know enough about firearms to know if this is a real or a fake pistol (even if it is fake he posted himself brandishing it obviously in a residential neighborhood street which shows an incredible lack of judgement), at worst if he does have a gun I am now very fearful for the safety of my wife, my parent in laws and my brother in law himself. I have to take this very seriously.

While I still believe my BIL at the very least has Asperger's, I am now strongly inclined to believe that there are additional, more serious problems going on.

I think the earlier advice to find a social worker is now critical. Contact your local department on aging, they will be able to make a referral (as should the person who diagnosed your mother.) You need more help than an internet forum can give you - there are all kinds of issues here, in that nobody can adequately assess whether you are reacting appropriately to the FB page or not.

I agree it needs to be taken seriously, but I strongly urge you to get outside help. Frequently, elder care social workers also deal with disabled people - you will have much better resources.

Please believe me that I have been seeking outside resources, social workers, long before I came to the forum and will continue to do so, and am taking this very seriously.

Thanks for all the advice and well wishes

It is worth noting that thirteenboats is correct: many of the mass shooters identified as autistic have later been found not to have that diagnosis, or to have some fuzzy diagnosis that neither ruled out AS nor ruled it in, or to have a different diagnosis completely. Diagnosing autism is a long complex process - the professional test, the ADOS, takes four hours - therefore, armchair diagnoses are very likely to be wrong. See this article: http://www.forbes.com/sites/emilywillin ... had-anger/

That said, it is a good idea to get professional help for any adult individual who uses specific, violent language while undergoing an extreme personal crisis, NT, AS or whatever. This does not mean they are automatically violent, but at the very least it means they are in need of help.

I just read all the posts in this thread, it really is not an easy situation I hope Gumby and his family are ok and they have a found a solution for his brother-in-law.

This thread, like a few others on this forum, put a sour taste in my mouth reading through it.

I think it's easy to feel sympathetic for the OP, as they're the ones who control the message. Everything said is a perception, and, as I'm sure I'm not alone in understanding as an Aspie, perceptions of our behaviors aren't necessarily accurate. I agree with YippySkippy that this thread does seem to cast the BIL in a bad light.

But more than anything, what gets me is the number of times you mention talking to your wife or talking to your FIL or talking to this person or that one about your BIL behind your BIL's back. That, to me, is a big no no, but, for some reason, few people seem to have a problem with it.

You also talk about how you also talk to your BIL, but he just dismisses or rejects your proposals. What you don't say, however, is what the exact wording you used was or what the tone you used was. It's clear that you're frustrated, and if that came through, all you managed to do was make him less receptive to whatever you're saying.

My mom is like that--she says something incredibly rude and when I get upset, she blames "the illness", which, quite frankly, just makes me even angrier.

Maybe you are as completely blameless as you try to come across by highlighting all the things you do for your in-laws and all the things your BIL does wrong. But, somehow, I doubt that. If you pinned blame for anything on anyone other than your BIL (or his Asperger's that you're so sure he has), I missed it.

It's great that you're concerned, but the way to express that is not by talking to your wife about him behind his back or his dad about him behind his back or anyone else (including the Internet) about him behind his back. It's also not getting upset that he's not living his life in the way you expect him to live or that he's not receptive to you when you talk to him in what I'm sure is a perfectly calm, perfectly worded, angelic manner ( ). It's to talk to him in a way that gets through to him.

The talking about him behind his back aside, I would've responded at least slightly differently if you asked for help getting through to him, not for help with this "problem". That you didn't, and instead spoke in this manner, leads to me believe that some of the issues in him not being receptive to what you have to say lie with the messenger's framing of the message. If you expect him to react in a way that you deem fit, it doesn't seem unfair to expect that the requests be delivered in a way that he deems fit.

Renting an apartment requires at least about a $500 extra expenditure per month for any family. That's quite expensive, in my book. If they could swing it, great--but, probably, most people can't spare that much money per month.

The OP indicated they were in the San Francisco Bay area, so rent for a studio might be more like $1000-$1500.

I hate it when I get interested in a thread like this and never hear what ended up happening!

Remember, I said "at least"