Aspie Women, Do you prefer AS/AS or AS/NT for yourself?
26 Feb 2007, 10:34 am
Do you ever wonder if we'd just run into that with AS males as well? I mean we're all different and we can get pretty judgemental and grumpy with each other too. Look at it on here! LOL
I was also thinking this morning about this... My NT husband really interprets many of the things that I can't read in people. In some ways he's like my eyes and ears. He is very good at doing that so I can navigate the world more easily. I would really miss that in an AS/AS relationship because we'd both be clueless and no one to show us what it all meant! EEK
He's also good at stabalizing me by letting me know when things aren't aimed at just me, but are really behaviors done to many people. It's like he'll pull me back so I can see it isn't just me. He can see that from his perspective where I can't always see that. I almost think in an AS/AS relationship where there was no one with that ability, we'd get stuck in making rash judgements (that seem valid) because neither would know and we'd end up seeing ourselves as very persecuted and alone. It almost seems like it would make you both skewed in a way. I see quite a bit of that on here, where we lose the perspective that some NT people pick on many groups and we don't get what that behavior really is or why it's happening. It ends up making us lose all perspective...and then hope as a result.
To me, those are the biggest things I would miss besides the amount of affection and caring I get from him. I'd miss that after all this time. I've really gotten used to it.
Just things for us to mull over.
26 Feb 2007, 7:13 pm
This might be too personal, so if it is don't feel you need to respond. Did you live with any of them (marriage or otherwise)? If so, did you find yourself fulfilling a more traditional nurturer/caretaker role? And, if you did, did you find that to be your choice or did you feel pressured into it?
I'm just curious as to the difference in the dynamics (if any!) between AS women and AS men or NT men.
Hi, well really, I have only ever had one boyfriend and I lived with him for 5 and a half years...primarilly due to my fear of coping entirely alone in life and not having somewhere to go. But to answer your question...no. The only nurturing I did, I suppose, was offering to buy him some rehydration fluids when he was sick. Otherwise, neither of us was especially caring to one another. His total ignoring of me when I had severe panic attacks did not help that situation and did not incline me towards being nurturing either lol. If anything, I would often refuse to make him coffee or tea when he demanded it. We very much lived separate lives in the end, with me losing myself in my internet Harry Potter chatroom world, and he losing himself in his psychology classes. The situation was not helped in that we lived in a very small house with his mother.
But...I showed next to no nurturing capabilities. I did my own washing...his mother did his. We made our own food etc, that is just how it was from the start. And I found it very irksome to have to go to sleep when he did due to our sharing a room and there being nowhere else for me to stay up. It is interesting. To begin with, I was not in a relationship with him..we were just friends and I was meant to go and stay with him for a few days to give my mother a break. I just never went back to my mother as my relationship with her had been very destructive. I did not cope well with the change. For the first month, I refused to leave the house and dosed myself up with valium to sleep through the days. I also behaved in a rather needy manner in that I resented the fact that he would not only work from 6am to 6pm at night, but he would also stay out to see a female friend sometimes while I was left in the house, in a strange new place. I would react very badly to that and self harm and get upset.
To begin, I had a rather idealised vision of romance from all the films I had watched as a young girl...but he denied having any emotions at all, saying he worked only from logic and cared from logic and all such things. This sent me into a confused state, as I thought caring came from a feeling, so I would endlessly question him as to how he could care about someone through thoughts and in the end, he just shut down for an evening as I had asked too many questions relating to emotions and he couldn't answer them.
It was an interesting dynamic. I went there, having been convinced that I was borderline personality, and of course, being totally open and honest in my speech, he knew that almost as soon as we first spoke on the phone...so while he analysed my supposed borderline behaviours, I would analyse his supposed logical and cold behaviour, never once even suspecting that I myself was the same in many ways... Anyway, to cut a long story short, after a certain period whereby he had pursued his own interests and pushed any ideas of being a couple away, I lost myself in my own obsessions and any attempts on his part to pull me away from the internet would result in a lot of anger and shouting and crying on my part. He blamed the internet obsession for our separation, but in truth, he was just as bad initially with his own obsession.
Food for thought for you.
Did I say too much, Zanna marie? You did ask whether I felt I fell into fulfilling a nurturing role, and notice you have not given any response to this post, which is unusual for you.
26 Feb 2007, 8:19 pm
This might be too personal, so if it is don't feel you need to respond. Did you live with any of them (marriage or otherwise)? If so, did you find yourself fulfilling a more traditional nurturer/caretaker role? And, if you did, did you find that to be your choice or did you feel pressured into it?
I'm just curious as to the difference in the dynamics (if any!) between AS women and AS men or NT men.
Hi, well really, I have only ever had one boyfriend and I lived with him for 5 and a half years...primarilly due to my fear of coping entirely alone in life and not having somewhere to go. But to answer your question...no. The only nurturing I did, I suppose, was offering to buy him some rehydration fluids when he was sick. Otherwise, neither of us was especially caring to one another. His total ignoring of me when I had severe panic attacks did not help that situation and did not incline me towards being nurturing either lol. If anything, I would often refuse to make him coffee or tea when he demanded it. We very much lived separate lives in the end, with me losing myself in my internet Harry Potter chatroom world, and he losing himself in his psychology classes. The situation was not helped in that we lived in a very small house with his mother.
But...I showed next to no nurturing capabilities. I did my own washing...his mother did his. We made our own food etc, that is just how it was from the start. And I found it very irksome to have to go to sleep when he did due to our sharing a room and there being nowhere else for me to stay up. It is interesting. To begin with, I was not in a relationship with him..we were just friends and I was meant to go and stay with him for a few days to give my mother a break. I just never went back to my mother as my relationship with her had been very destructive. I did not cope well with the change. For the first month, I refused to leave the house and dosed myself up with valium to sleep through the days. I also behaved in a rather needy manner in that I resented the fact that he would not only work from 6am to 6pm at night, but he would also stay out to see a female friend sometimes while I was left in the house, in a strange new place. I would react very badly to that and self harm and get upset.
To begin, I had a rather idealised vision of romance from all the films I had watched as a young girl...but he denied having any emotions at all, saying he worked only from logic and cared from logic and all such things. This sent me into a confused state, as I thought caring came from a feeling, so I would endlessly question him as to how he could care about someone through thoughts and in the end, he just shut down for an evening as I had asked too many questions relating to emotions and he couldn't answer them.
It was an interesting dynamic. I went there, having been convinced that I was borderline personality, and of course, being totally open and honest in my speech, he knew that almost as soon as we first spoke on the phone...so while he analysed my supposed borderline behaviours, I would analyse his supposed logical and cold behaviour, never once even suspecting that I myself was the same in many ways... Anyway, to cut a long story short, after a certain period whereby he had pursued his own interests and pushed any ideas of being a couple away, I lost myself in my own obsessions and any attempts on his part to pull me away from the internet would result in a lot of anger and shouting and crying on my part. He blamed the internet obsession for our separation, but in truth, he was just as bad initially with his own obsession.
Food for thought for you.
Graelwyn,
I got totally distracted and forgot I didn't respond. I dont think you told too much. It does in one respect reveal what I think I would be like in that relationship, distant, detached and in the end, just uncaring. I'm more like your boyfriend was. I have to intellectualize my way into love, so I can understand him. It doesn't come from emotion for me. I have to think the person meets my criteria and is compatible with me. I did that with my husband. He is definitely the more emotional one. I don't know how he stood it. It took me three years to determine I was in love. These things don't come easy to me at all, but once I was there I liked it.
I was wondering about the nuturing because in my marriage he is the nuturer. That is just gone in me. I'll really try, but mostly it is because I don't even notice something needs to be done. When I read that about AS/AS originally, I really wondered how that would work. It seemed like a relationship where no one was taking care of anyone. More like roommates. I guess you two moved past that, but not completely. Kind of like an inbetween state?
I think it's interesting he analyzed you and you him. I never analyze my NT husband or he me. We just know what we are and that's that. I wonder if it was because he was a Psychology major? Interesting.
Lots of food for thought! Anyone have a different experience?
26 Feb 2007, 10:11 pm
That's what I'm saying. LOL Whose in charge of this ship??? LOL I think it's an opinion formed from the fact that I have become more dysfunctional because I'm married to an NT. Then, I look at the responses and think no, it could actually be worse! It's a good thing we can laugh.
27 Feb 2007, 10:45 am
This might be too personal, so if it is don't feel you need to respond. Did you live with any of them (marriage or otherwise)? If so, did you find yourself fulfilling a more traditional nurturer/caretaker role? And, if you did, did you find that to be your choice or did you feel pressured into it?
I'm just curious as to the difference in the dynamics (if any!) between AS women and AS men or NT men.
Hi, well really, I have only ever had one boyfriend and I lived with him for 5 and a half years...primarilly due to my fear of coping entirely alone in life and not having somewhere to go. But to answer your question...no. The only nurturing I did, I suppose, was offering to buy him some rehydration fluids when he was sick. Otherwise, neither of us was especially caring to one another. His total ignoring of me when I had severe panic attacks did not help that situation and did not incline me towards being nurturing either lol. If anything, I would often refuse to make him coffee or tea when he demanded it. We very much lived separate lives in the end, with me losing myself in my internet Harry Potter chatroom world, and he losing himself in his psychology classes. The situation was not helped in that we lived in a very small house with his mother.
But...I showed next to no nurturing capabilities. I did my own washing...his mother did his. We made our own food etc, that is just how it was from the start. And I found it very irksome to have to go to sleep when he did due to our sharing a room and there being nowhere else for me to stay up. It is interesting. To begin with, I was not in a relationship with him..we were just friends and I was meant to go and stay with him for a few days to give my mother a break. I just never went back to my mother as my relationship with her had been very destructive. I did not cope well with the change. For the first month, I refused to leave the house and dosed myself up with valium to sleep through the days. I also behaved in a rather needy manner in that I resented the fact that he would not only work from 6am to 6pm at night, but he would also stay out to see a female friend sometimes while I was left in the house, in a strange new place. I would react very badly to that and self harm and get upset.
To begin, I had a rather idealised vision of romance from all the films I had watched as a young girl...but he denied having any emotions at all, saying he worked only from logic and cared from logic and all such things. This sent me into a confused state, as I thought caring came from a feeling, so I would endlessly question him as to how he could care about someone through thoughts and in the end, he just shut down for an evening as I had asked too many questions relating to emotions and he couldn't answer them.
It was an interesting dynamic. I went there, having been convinced that I was borderline personality, and of course, being totally open and honest in my speech, he knew that almost as soon as we first spoke on the phone...so while he analysed my supposed borderline behaviours, I would analyse his supposed logical and cold behaviour, never once even suspecting that I myself was the same in many ways... Anyway, to cut a long story short, after a certain period whereby he had pursued his own interests and pushed any ideas of being a couple away, I lost myself in my own obsessions and any attempts on his part to pull me away from the internet would result in a lot of anger and shouting and crying on my part. He blamed the internet obsession for our separation, but in truth, he was just as bad initially with his own obsession.
Food for thought for you.
Graelwyn,
I got totally distracted and forgot I didn't respond. I dont think you told too much. It does in one respect reveal what I think I would be like in that relationship, distant, detached and in the end, just uncaring. I'm more like your boyfriend was. I have to intellectualize my way into love, so I can understand him. It doesn't come from emotion for me. I have to think the person meets my criteria and is compatible with me. I did that with my husband. He is definitely the more emotional one. I don't know how he stood it. It took me three years to determine I was in love. These things don't come easy to me at all, but once I was there I liked it.
I was wondering about the nuturing because in my marriage he is the nuturer. That is just gone in me. I'll really try, but mostly it is because I don't even notice something needs to be done. When I read that about AS/AS originally, I really wondered how that would work. It seemed like a relationship where no one was taking care of anyone. More like roommates. I guess you two moved past that, but not completely. Kind of like an inbetween state?
I think it's interesting he analyzed you and you him. I never analyze my NT husband or he me. We just know what we are and that's that. I wonder if it was because he was a Psychology major? Interesting.
Lots of food for thought! Anyone have a different experience?
He went on to study psychology soon after meeting me, lol. He had a long standing interest but was very much stuck in his little routine job of 16 years and only broke that pattern after meeting me. He changed a lot actually after being with me,but I just deteriorated, interestingly. I myself just seem to naturally analyse people and when I did psychology at the level below degree, I found it very easy and understandable.
Twilight823
Hummingbird
Joined: 12 Mar 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 23
Location: Detriot, Michigan
07 Apr 2007, 1:56 pm
I've dated both, and I really think it depends on the person. I've dated an aspie before, and it was nice having someone who had been through some of the stuff as me. He understood that i couldn't read social cues, and He knew how to calm me down when I was having an anxiety attack. The one thing that kind of drove us apart was he understood sarcasm very well and constantly used it. I always took what he said literally, and we even had to develop a sign he was suppose to do when he used sarcasm. He almost never used that sign because it slipped his mind all the time, and he would jokingly call me an 'Idiot' every time i missed the sarcasm, or a joke. The honesty he had I loved. True, sometimes it became annoying, but mostly it made me laugh. He was a wonderful artist, and I showed him a dog I drew and the first thing out of his mouth was "It looks like a mutant sex toy!" Another down fall with him though was we weren't really caring for each other, and since we're both very close to mutes our conversations rarely began, or they never went anywhere. The only conversations we had that lasted were on our obsessions, and that became old quickly.
The NT I'm dating right now is a very sweet boy. He helps me deal with anxiety attacks in public, and he is trying to help me learn social cues, and sarcasm. When he sees when someone i don't know is trying to talk to me and i want to be left alone, He will come over and start a conversation with them and say "Hey Krissy, why don't you go check out *Blank*" In my head its 'Thank you so much!' The blank changes depending on where we are. Last time i walked into his room there must have been about 20 books on Asperger's sitting on his floor. He had read all of them. I asked what he thought, and he replied "I think your mind is one of the most wonderful brilliant things in this world, and I'm sorry for the hardships you have had in the past, but i promise to help you with future ones." The down fall with him though is he misunderstands me sometimes, he sometimes becomes annoyed when i don't understand verbal instructions, and he will never know what its like to have a sensory overload, or the inability to read people. He is trying though.
poopylungstuffing
Veteran
Joined: 8 Mar 2007
Age: 48
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,714
Location: Snapdragon Ridge
08 Apr 2007, 12:07 am
I definitely prefer being with someone who understands me...and I am really really lucky that I am with someone like that...even though we have had our ups and downs and have broken up twice now for several months at a time...(first time..he dumped me 3months...second time i dumped him 6 months..during which time i realised just how lucky I was)
He is very ADD and so am I (i mention him alots)..so that puts us on a similar wavelength even if he came up as NT on the aspie quiz and I came up as way way Aspie....But he is very silly and childlike and hyperfocuses on computer games for hours and right now he is up front constructing a weird concotion out of spray-painted cardboard and yarn.
I don't have any problem with being nurturing..i can though get reeeeely overwhealmed with the housework.....so our place/venue is often a mess....and I am frequently a nervous wreck over various things....some of which led to our past 6 month breakup......and ummm........
Yeah...I have dated NT guys...some who appreciated me and some who downright didnt...in fact i first heard the phrase "neurotypical" used by an ex boyfriend/friend who was describing a current girlfriend that he didn;t like very much....he was more or less NT...I guess...except he was a clean freak...obsessed with online gaming who had all his cds and books alphabetised and his underware folded neatly in drawers........and always liked his food prepared the exact same way and could always eat the exact same meals.....wait a second........he was also the one person....who when I told I might be an aspie...actually AGREED with me.........nah...he couldnt'a been an Aspie....we were polar opposites..but got along swimmingly....and there are plety of NT things about him...he was more OCD
anywhoo..i have been in a steady stream of relationships since I have been old enough to date starting with the first one who DEfinitley was an NT...and that one lasted for six akward misunderstood years......because he was Catholic and I was scared of what would happen if I broke up with him because we were in aband together.....otherwise...I probably would be having relationship problems to this day....
09 Apr 2007, 12:52 pm
I don't think that's offensive. Maybe you just think an NT guy would provide things for the child you feel you couldn't. What's wrong with that? It's practical.
I do think it would have to be the right NT guy. You certainly don't want your children seeing him yelling at you over AS behavior or meltdowns as that situation is just not good. He would also have to be willing to provide the emotional expressions that are harder for us. He'd have to know about that and agree to it. It would just be something you'd have to talk about before hand and not assume. Many NT guys do not normally do this with children. They leave that to the moms and they act the disciplinarian. You wouldn't want that.
14 Oct 2007, 5:21 pm
I'd prefer a guy that is neither NT nor AS. I've seen many aspies, and dated a few, but they weren't really as good as I once thought they'd be. I used to fantasize myself chasing after a bunch of cute boys that had my neurotype, thinking they'd be well-suited and most understanding. But there is a problem: most aspies are not like me in any way (i for one am rather outgoing, funny, and interested in fashion).
The last aspie I dated was introverted, insistant on doing things his way, and not seeming too impressed by what I acheive. The only time we really hung out was when it was just the two of us going to the movies. But during lunch, he just sat there starring while i was talking to my other friends. I bet he felt bored to tears. So, i decided we'd be better off jsut being friends. It guess it was my fault, because i couldn't control myself, going crazy having a crush on him (just for his AS; not to mention, he didn't even want to talk about it!)
But also, most NT men aren't too exciting either. Almost all the good ones are either gay or taken by other girls. The rest would probably drive me off the wall and have great difficulty understanding me.
So yeah, basically, i want a guy that has something, but not autism. Another direction away from NTism. Somebody who has equal intellegence as me. I've seen many of these guys as well, and some may be jerks, but others are really cute an nice.
_________________
"Sometimes people I meet for the first time remind me of a particular number and this helps me to be comfortable around them." --Daniel Tammet, 2006
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