Why would an NT try so hard to stay friends?

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KingofKaboom
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16 Jun 2014, 12:53 pm

It's a very very long and complicated story of how we had a huge series of fights and I basically wouldn't drop the subject matter until I properly understood it. Basically it's with an online friend of a few years, we talked everyday often until bed time. Oh and edit (we literally talked every single day until bedtime for about 2.5 years. I'm male they female) They have friends and seem to have no trouble making them in real life. They say they are just a tease and I misunderstood a lot of things when they got a new boyfriend I got very upset since I had asked months beforehand if I was in the friendzone. I even said "yes or no" and tried my best to get the to answer that way. All I ended up with was a maybe that left me anxious and confused with all the flirting they had been doing and hinting that they always meet some standard I have for women whenever it came up. Like height or personality or anything at all. Uhm we were very good friends and a lot happened so it isn't easy to put it all in one post without making a very very long one. Basically six months before new bf I asked if was in FZ I felt a "change" in them I can't say what but they seemed different to me and I asked then because I felt like they were getting a new one and they knew I liked them. We live to far to meet as yet but had hoped to in the future when I moved into the area as I have planned for a long time before meeting them in a chat room.

My basic problem is I THINK they liked me when they said openly they did not. The trouble is up until I heard of new bf they never once said anything that hinted at disinterest and always more to the side of interest. As things detierioated because they simply refused to give me examples of signs I had missed to show they had plainly made their disinterest known (I can miss signs which is why I asked about FZ trying to get a clear answer) to me. What my real problem is after a few weeks of constant fighting over me trying to figure out what I missed and them backing further and further away and saying I just misunderstood everything. They claimed to know I liked them, but as far as I can tell made no effort to make their disinterest known and when pressed they simply said they never liked me and gave no examples of showing disinterest at all they just avoided the question or comments as this person often does when they don't want to make a direct statement, instead of lying or telling whatever the truth is they clam up. Ok problem, been gone six months I've been struggling with not sending them emails kind of become an OCD thing and having troubles not sending one atleast a few days. The killer I have a feeling sense they said "if you don't want to be friends anymore we can try rekindling our friendship later." What I want to know is WHY?! Honestly... No NT has ever ever ever put up with even a fraction of that and said they'd want to come back. My own mother walks away before then the only reason she came back was I'm her son. I don't understand this person, if they don't like me why put up with so much and then claim to want to come back again? It seems illogical to me, my friends in person take FAR less to drive away permanently. Granted I don't think I've ever had a friend closer in what spirit? Mind? idk... But why even bother wanting to rekindle things if I misunderstood everything and got so upset for so long? Why bother wanting to be friends with me at all? Heck I wouldn't be friends with me after that and I have to live with myself >.<


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questor
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16 Jun 2014, 6:54 pm

Got news for you. Guys and girls can be friends without being boy friend/girl friend. They can just be buddies or pals. Sounds like she just wants to be a pal, but in a flirty way. Yes, it's stupid and hurtful to send such conflicting signals, but many women, especially younger ones don't grasp the harm that it does, and don't see anything wrong with being a flirty pal. Since this girl has gotten a boyfriend now, the most you can hope for is pal status, but you should tell her that flirting should be reserved for the BF, as it sends mixed signals to other guys when she does it with them. You should also tell her that it can upset the BF if he catches her flirting with others, so it's not fair to him, either.

I realize that you may not like to hear this, but if you are not happy being her pal, then it would be best to let this relationship go.



KingofKaboom
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16 Jun 2014, 8:47 pm

She won't date online so it's not an issue. Anyway she actually said to me once she'd never let her bf see her phone it confused me at the time. She was being more than flirty. Having me talk to her while she falls asleep and later calling it "for the emotion". No I cornered her and forced a lot of stuff out of her she wasn't ready to say. She wants to be friends in person first, and to force me to come to her lots of stupid. My question wasn't to do with any of that. Why would she bother being my friend after that?


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Zany
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19 Jun 2014, 6:14 pm

Oh for f***s sake.
1. There is no such thing as the friendzone.
2. Seems like she wants to stay friends. God knows why but thats probably why she hasn't broke off contact with you. Because she likes you. When a person, NT or otherwise, likes someone they can have conflicts and still want to maintain the friendship. Thats completely normal.
Although she seems dysfunctional and the friendship seems off, just saying. If a friend of mine asked if he was in the "friendzone" I would snap. And cut them out of my life.

If you dont want to be friends with her, let it go. She has said she is not interested romantically, right? SO BACK OFF. You cant force her to fall in love with you. Just stop.

If you think she flirts with you and you cant handle that jargon, break it off. Stop trying to convince yourself she likes you romantically. If your not happy with the friendship you have, break it off. Simple as that. She is not interested in you romantically and if you cant see the value of being her friend you should back off. That is completely okay for you to do. What is NOT okay to do is pretending to be her friend even though you want something else, and then getting upset/angry because how DARE she not like you back, how DARE she have contact with you without letting you into her pants, ect ect ect.

Good luck.

Oh, and a youtubeclip. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8teRxOSNHs


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KingofKaboom
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19 Jun 2014, 11:36 pm

What you attain after you fail to impress a woman you're attracted to. Usually initiated by the woman saying, "You're such a good friend". Usually associated with long days of suffering and watching your love interest hop from one bad relationship to another. Verb tense is "Friend-ed".
"I spent all that money on a date, just to find out she put me in the Friend Zone(said with eerie echo)."

"You know that hot girl I've been talking to? She just Friend-ed me."
Urban Dictionary.

Just because people dislike naming a situation doesn't mean it does not exist. No reason to like anyone that much, no one in my entire life has tried so hard or put up with so much. Recently had an argument on the existence of the friendzone so just don't bother I disagree as does most of society. As for asking her I wanted to stop liking her romantically so I asked a question hoping she would reject me when I was prepared for it not six months into another relationship when I wasn't prepared. If you snap on someone who asks if you're interested that kind of makes you an incredible A** js. I ask every female friend I have so I AM CLEAR on our relationship since I lack subtlety it's less embarrassing than asking if they'd ever like to go on a date.

Also I am convinced she's romantically interested. It's really the only thing that makes sense with all the things she said and did. The alternative would mean she's the worst tease I've ever encountered and completely uncaring for my feelings simply enjoying leading me on. Someone like that wouldn't put up with any of that nonsense.


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tarantella64
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04 Jul 2014, 1:49 am

The impatience you're getting from zany is because you're missing the point of what's going on. This girl really likes you and values your friendship. If she didn't she wouldn't spend all that time talking to you. And no, she does not want to date you, even if she is attracted, because she very sensibly doesn't develop fantasy romances with young men who live in her computer. For romance she has a boy whom she's gotten to know in 3D environments, which is smart because if you're going to be intimate with someone, it's a good idea to be friends in real life first. Then you have a better sense of who they are. It's also entirely possible that if you met irl she wouldn't be at all attracted to you -- and yet would still enjoy talking to you.

This is not a video game where the object is to get out of the Friendzone. She is not "putting you in a zone". She hasn't done anything to you. She just doesn't want to have a relationship with computerboy and might not want a relationship with you even if you showed up in all your 3D glory. This is real. She spends time talking to you and puts up with your s**t because she likes you. She's allowed to like you, as a person, without wanting to date you.

It's possible that YOU are reading all kinds of signals and intentions into what she's saying. That doesn't make her a tease, that makes you a misreader. You wouldn't be the first guy to assume a woman's issuing all kinds of invitations, but you'd still be wrong. Basically, if she says, "I really find you attractive and would like to meet up and see if we're actually compatible," that's an invitation. (And don't bully and force people to say things they don't want to say.)

It sounds like you have a choice: you can be friends with her without being a jerk about it, tugging at her to "taking things further" when she's already made it clear what she wants, or you can say, "I can't deal with this" and walk away from an actual friendship.