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babybird
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18 Jun 2014, 4:06 am

My head is done in.

I don't know why but it's getting worse the older I get.

I am capable of managing my life and I know I'll be ok.

I was just wondering if anyone else feels this way.

Is it due to years of trauma, and having nobody to trust and so I just don't talk to anyone.

I wonder if there is any way I can alleviate this feeling.

I feel as though I've been through a warzone and all I can manage is my job and my home. Anything peripheral to that like a social life or even taking on friendships and getting to know other people is just a complete no no.

I think I'm just f****d to be honest.

I wouldn't say that I am depressed, there are people a lot worse off than me.

But my head is absolutely f****d.

Thanks for reading.

Feel free to opinionate.


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IncredibleFrog
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18 Jun 2014, 4:26 am

It sounds like depression to me. Depression isn't reliant on your situation alone. They used to call it "the rich mans disease", after all. It's a mental/chemical state. Even if you had a perfect life (hypothetically; perfection is probably impossible), you could still be less happy than a man in poorer circumstances. There are many happy, poor people with bad living conditions, and many "well-to-do" people that are depressed. Medication has helped me greatly in that department.



CosmicRuss
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18 Jun 2014, 6:09 am

It was around the age you are now that I decided to draw a line and give up trying to engage socially. It was becoming more of a chore than providing any pleasure. The 'normal' people were the problem not me, I just found they had the real issues or problems not me.

This was all before I realised I should seek a diagnosis which I did to satisfy myself I wasn't hiding from a mental health issue causing me to feel that way. Since formal diagnosis of Asperger's I have stopped pressurising myself to do certain things and try to go with my flow rather than fight against the world.

Perhaps you are just transitioning into accepting who you are and what you've been through but if it starts to affect your daily living do see your doctor before you feel worse.


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DeepHour
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18 Jun 2014, 9:24 am

Well, I can just about manage my home, but gave up on the job side of things at age 43.

I then spent about 7 years drifting around London all day on buses, sitting in parks or cafes, trying to avoid thinking about the things which really mattered, whatever they were!

I haven't bothered about friendships or relationships for about 15 years, as I'm aware I'm not able to sustain them beyond a very superficial level.

I used to read dozens of books relating to self-improvement, but got nowhere until I accepted that my issues were of the "hard-wired" variety (the self-improvement books aren't interested in this side of things).

I'm not especially happy with things as they are at the moment, spending hours on the internet and just getting out of the house for a few hours a day. I'm aware that I'm only using a fraction of my "potential" and that some people think I'm wasting my life.

I don't think I'm "getting worse" with age, but I'm certainly not maturing properly as a human being, in the way my NT peer group has and continues to do. I tend to shut out all of these issues by inhabiting a vivid internal mental world by day, and drinking in the evening. Don't know whether this situation will just drift on, or will end in some sort of implosion.

I don't know whether you find any useful parallels here. I'm useless at giving advice, so haven't attempted to do so (except to advise you not to take to drink!).

There ARE people tons worse off than either of us, but sometimes that's not much comfort, is it?



kraftiekortie
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18 Jun 2014, 10:20 am

What do you do, Babybird--something in computers?

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

You are open to insights from others; that's a good sign.



VegetableMan
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18 Jun 2014, 11:59 am

I've never been very good a socializing, forging, and maintaining friendships, myself, so I know it does gets a bit lonely, at times. If it weren't for my outdoor activities (hiking and cycling) I'd probably be in far worse shape.

Do you feel like you're up against a wall you can't climb over? That's how I feel at the moment. I hope things get better for you.



pollyfinite
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18 Jun 2014, 8:07 pm

Well, I know you're busy and all, but I'd like to be friends anyway if you want.


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SoMissunderstood
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20 Jun 2014, 11:11 pm

babybird wrote:
My head is done in.

I don't know why but it's getting worse the older I get.

I am capable of managing my life and I know I'll be ok.

I was just wondering if anyone else feels this way.

Is it due to years of trauma, and having nobody to trust and so I just don't talk to anyone.

I wonder if there is any way I can alleviate this feeling.

I feel as though I've been through a warzone and all I can manage is my job and my home. Anything peripheral to that like a social life or even taking on friendships and getting to know other people is just a complete no no.

I think I'm just f**** to be honest.

I wouldn't say that I am depressed, there are people a lot worse off than me.

But my head is absolutely f****.

Thanks for reading.

Feel free to opinionate.

Oh dear god, YES!

I was up all night with a blinding migraine headache and vomiting because of this - but that happens whenever I get really stressed out...my head explodes, blowing chunks everywhere...

What you are describing IS a form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and you don't need to be in a warzone to get it....well, life is a bloody 'warzone' anyway and we just seem to be the casualties of it.

For the past week or so, both my family and myself are beginning to come to the slow realisation that there's a hell of a lot more than just diagnosed Autism and OCD going on with me and at the moment, arrangements are being made to get me tested for Bi-Polar Disorder and Schizophrenia as well.

I wonder how it would be to be Autistic, OCD, Bi-Polar and Schizophrenic all at once? Oh I know, it would very closely resemble my current state of existence...what hope is there for a person who has every 'mental illness' out there?

I don't talk to or socialise with anybody either and it's not for the want of trying...but as soon as I understand one set of 'social rules', they bloody go and change on me, don't they?

I'm going to talk to my doctor about ECT (seeing as how everything else has been tried and has subsequently failed).

Give my brain a 'reset switch' and see if that works.

Other than that, I haven't found any way yet to alleviate this feeling, but I know how it feels...probably more than anybody else on here would or could ever experience it.



babybird
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21 Jun 2014, 9:37 am

Thanks for all of your help everyone.

I do put myself under a lot of pressure sometimes. My work isn't really that stressful, but I get competitive and expect too much from myself.

I actually feel much better since I made this thread.

Thanks again.


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