self-righteous??

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So, I was called "self-righteous" by a person on a pro-team related forum that I frequent. For one, I'm not really sure why they said that, because I don't genuinely think I'm better than anyone else. But for some reason (I don't even know the person) it's really hurtful to be called such a derogatory thing by someone in a group of peers. I'm already having a really tough time lately with depression and the feeling of being very lonely and isolated, that this is just another blow to my self-esteem.

Anyone else ever have this issue?

I would have to know what the topic was about and what you exactly said.

I normally use the term to mean someone is being judgmental and looks down on others and act like they are perfect and can do no wrong and expect others to be like them and have their same experience. It's just another word for sanctimonious and holier than thou.

But other people seem to use it and mean something else like if you follow the laws or refuse to do things because you know it's wrong or because you don't want to get in trouble. In this case I wouldn't even worry about it.

No, I have been called many stuff, but never self-righteous as long as I can remember.
I have been called arrogant, stubborn, egocentric and opinionated though. A lot of times.

I'm not sure of the exact definition of self-righteous
but morally speaking, I do feel that I am more morally correct at least
80% or more of the time than anyone else (thus good with philosophical and ethical discussions) because I feel that I understand
morality more than most people and have experienced enough good and bad events in my life
to conclude that. I am probably morally superior to most people but that is a specific unique
quality and I cannot say for certain if it's an Aspie trait but I would guess it is
but does not apply to all Aspies.

There are times when I know I'm not correct morally, but am too stubborn or embarrassed
to admit it or find it difficult to explain why I feel that way (due to a subjective nature or a biased caused by personal experience) and it may
translate across as irrational behaviour but it's difficult to explain.
(Like when you're angry, you still feel kinda right but you know you're mostly wrong because
of instinctive impulsive responses probably due to hypo- or hyperactivity from the more primitive limbic system in the brain).

Generally speaking, I know what it's like to be wrong or be error-nous (everyone who's ever lived has been wrong at least once
in some way, excluding new born babies perhaps....)
so I take what I think with a grain of salt and be open minded.

As for them thinking that you think you're better than anyone, well,
depending on what you said, (you may have come off as arrogant but if not, it's their problem)
they may or may not be correct.
It's apparent that some Asperger's people don't know when they're being rude;
I find this difficult to believe in most cases (although I think I was harsh some times in my life when I was cynical).

I would need to know more of the context to make a better analysis but
in the mean time, don't let it get to you.
Someone online can't hurt you. And even real life people don't likely have the capacity to
hurt you that badly anyway.

If you're a good person, you're already better than a heck of a good percentage of the world
because let's face it, the world is full of idiots, thieves, murderers, tyrants, selfish people, etc.
On top of that, if you're smart or useful in some way or another or if you're caring
or interesting or entertaining, then more power to you!

Don't let the words of irrational people dictate your actions.
But advice from rational people helps.
And also sometimes it's kind of subjective whether what you say was arrogant or not so we can't be certain
unless we know of the context.

Aw this post was longer than I planned... :/

I honestly am not sure why it was said. I'm not that great at how other's perceive me (in person and online) though there may be something to it, because I don't have friends. That being said, I don't know how to start friendships either. That process is a foreign language to me.

As far as the conversations go, I know there's a cultural difference between me and most of the other fans. The team is based out of Utah, and am a Northeasterner. There's a significant difference between the average mentality of an east coaster and the almost guaranteed to be Mormon from Utah. These people type out heck and golly; stuff like that. Maybe it's because I'm not always positive-at-all-costs about the state of the team (that I've happened to follow like a religion/spend most of my free time researching for 25 years) like the typical Utahn wants everyone/everything to be, and they don't like that. Also, I don't particularly like the player that everyone else wants them to draft so that has me on the "outside" already in that group.

I know it's an aspie thing to want to be right all the time, and to have rigidity in thinking--who knows, I may be guilty of that--but I don't want to use that as an excuse. I just not helpful for someone to say that, and not express justification for such a label. How about, "you are self righteous because _______, _________, and _______." I might be able to work with that.

I know. I left out context entirely, but the accusation blind-sided me, so I'm not sure what I've said in the many months of posting on this forum. It's possible I'm a complete @$$ and don't even know it. that would make me sad though, because I've always tried to do the right thing and be a kind person.



Sounds like you have your work cut out for you!



Possible



Possible. I've been called rude and then been completely stunned afterwards.



Thank you. I appreciate your words of advice.

Last edited by perpetual_padawan on 19 Jun 2014, 9:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Every day and all the time. I am up to 3 times today so far and it's only 12:22pm over here...but even if my clock were broken it would still be right twice a day.

I get called 'self-righteous' so much, that I have become totally cold and desensitised to it. It just doesn't phase me anymore.

I figured out ages ago, who on earth has the right to judge me? Especially when their own back yard is so full of s***?

'Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone'...and all that.

It also takes a lot of being 'self-righteous' to accuse another person of being 'self-righteous'...when all they are saying is 'I wish my ego was as big as yours...I'm so jelly'.

So, if being blunt and frank is being 'self-righteous' than yeah, I am 'self righteous'. It's not my fault you don't want to hear the truth, because if it were not true, it wouldn't bother you at all and you'd just say I was insane and ignore me instead.

Yeah, so I am 'self-righteous', woop de do. What are you gonna do about it?

On a related note, gotta love these NT's who go 'stop bulls***ing me, You don't have Autism, there's nothing wrong with you'.

I go 'I have just made a mental note of what you just said and I shall replay your own words at a future time'.

5 minutes later:

"You're ret*d and a crazy b***h! You're totally insane!"

*replays words.

I think it maybe means that other people don't feel like you are listening to them or that you value their opinions. If you say that you at least understand where they are coming from, even if you disagree, then they feel like you value them. If you fail to recognise their input then they feel like you think they are worthless and only care about your own opinion of things.

You don't have to agree with everyone, but there are ways of being polite when you do disagree that won't get people's hackles up.

Thank you for the input, but what if I don't understand where they are coming from? Fake it? Then I feel like I'd be sacrificing integrity.

You could just ask for a clarification, e.g.

Person: "I feel so drunk you know that feeling?"
You: "I'm not sure what you mean, I've never been drunk of alcohol."
Person: "Well it's difficult to explain then but I guess the closest non-alcoholic description would be
like being addicted to cola, drinking lots of it and then feeling lazy and passive wanting to
drink more just because you can. And then add being 3/4 asleep."
You: "I guess I see where you're coming from."

But if it doesn't make sense no matter how many ways they explain their point to you,
then either there's a problem on their end or you just don't understand their way of explaining
or you don't have the correct experience to understand and don't have any sufficient substitute experience to understand.
That cola example...I made up. I've never gotten drunk but I would imagine the closest way for a non-alcoholic
to understand the feeling is being passive and sleepy, though I could be wrong but it's just an example.

And you can also counter the argument with an equal or greater statement that opposes it.
E.g.
Person: "I think gun laws are fine, we need them for self defence!"
You: "Although I live in a country where gun crime isn't common and may not be able
to relate as such, I feel that logically, it would just be better to not have any guns at all,
especially new ones being sold to whoever has the money because to me that sounds ridiculous and is
just asking for crime."

I apologise if the example is controversial, moderators may remove that segment if necessary.
Another example:
Person: "Animal testing is necessary, look at all the medicine that's saving lives."
You: "Although I'm no scientist, don't medicines have side effects that also cause illness and death?
Also, animals are different to us so research may not be generalisable to humans and it's just wrong to
be cruel to animals, do you know what they do to them every day? It's horrendous!"

Not sure if this is helpful. Sorry if it isn't.

Being insulted in a imprecise way can leave you feeling unable to understand what went wrong.

Self-righteous is more of a religious term for example;

Luke 18:9 And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others:

It is interesting to note with those who feel they have obtained their own perfection that they have contempt for those who they do not feel have obtained a comparable level of perfection.

The person who insulted you probably meant that he resented what he felt to be your implicit looking down on him that he perceived from something you did or said that sounded like you thought you were "better" than him.

While this attitude can be related to self-righteousness, in a secular environment the term causes more confusion.

Sometimes an Aspie may make a statement of correction, addition, or clarification that others take to be some kind of "one upsmanship".

If you find yourself in an environment with fragile egos, it can be helpful to adopt some self-deprecating phrases that can help mitigate the number of times people will take offense. For example, correcting someone directly can be seen as "putting them down". However, offering an alternative for their consideration may be more acceptable.

The decision as to how much extra effort you want to put in in catering to the communication deficiencies of others is of course always open to question.

On the other hand you've got to be careful that you don't make too much of a big deal about what they're saying because they might feel like you are implying that they are stupid, as though thier idea is so stupid that you can't get it.

But I know that is difficult if you really don't understand their point of view and want to ask lots of questions so that you can fully understand. I think that most people are satisfied with just getting the gist of what the other person thinks, they are ok with just a fuzzy outline, whereas we have a tendancy to over analyse and we want to know about all of the ins and outs of what the other person is thinking. People can find that over-whelming if they are not used to communicating in such a detail oriented way. People do tend to make vague statements, which is annoying to us, but they find getting into too much detail annoying. It's basically just different communication styles.

Be careful about over explaining things too. That makes people feel stupid. I made that mistake the other day. What I should have done was jut give the other person a minute to let the idea sink in, but I kept tying to explain it, which made the situation worse. I kept talking, while she was trying to think and it flustered her and made her feel stupid because I understood the subject and she was more slow at grasping it. Although that example probably applies more to face to face conversation that internet exchanges. It's better to show people a bit of dignity and let them grasp things in their own time. Not everyone will see things as clearly as we do straight away. Sometimes it is better to leave them than hammer and hammer at a point until they get it. That just frustrates others.

Communicating is difficult, so don't beat yourself up about it. Sometimes it's even more complicated in a forum situation because nuances and meaning can be lost in hurried typing.

I don't know the answer to this question. I am quiet an open minded person and I take it as written that not everyone will agree with me. Generally I can kind of see where the other person is coming from even if I don't completely understand. I try to find common ground rather than be too forceful about the things we disagree on. I'll say ok, lets agree to disagree.

You could maybe say, "I think I can see where you're coming from" which is a polite, but not a lie because you are admitting that you don't completely understand and add, "but x makes me think y might be the answer instead. What do you think?" That way you offer them the evidence you see, but give them the dignity to respond with their own perception of the matter.

To be honest, those latter traits are often exhibited by self-righteous people. Especially when one thinks that his/her opinion is the only one that matters. Which is what I think that hurtloam is saying.

I don't know you personally, so I'm not judging you.

LOL I have been called all those except egocentric. But if it's only done by one person or by people who are not nice or by people who have issues like my ex boyfriend or by my former online friend who turned out to be a creep, I wouldn't worry about it. My husband calls me stubborn and says I am pretty opinionated lol and my mom will say everyone is stubborn and I think everyone has an opinionated opinion. I mean there is a difference between calling a person something and calling their behavior something.

It would definitely confuse me if I was called something like that. Sounds similar to the times that I was occasionally called "sweetie" and "hon" by a classmate in high school. This kind of made me feel like a small child, and it also confused me.

I have also been called "ma'am" by young men who are about my age. It was kind of bizarre.

I've never actually been called self righteous but (especially) when I was younger, the world was definitely black and white. There was a definite right and wrong and I was always right! I knew everything! Since growing up, I've come to learn that life isn't like that - that there are shades of grey and that I'm not always right. In fact, I'm often wrong but it has made me more open to other opinions. I still have trouble putting myself in other peoples' positions though