i've been diagnosed with panic disorder and i've had GAD my entire life. i've been sort of toeing the line of wondering if I might have asperger's for years, and i'm sure that i have some sort of sensory processing issue at the very least, but i haven't been professionally diagnosed yet. me and my therapist are working on that, though. so i'm wondering if anyone with asperger's/spd who also has an anxiety disorder can help me with this.
i'm wondering if some of my panic attacks might be some sort of autistic/SPD shutdown, or a combination of both? because today i had a weird episode that was brought on by too much noise too early in the morning, and while this episode was the most intense i've had, i've had milder ones before, and they start out as ordinary panic attacks that are brought on by too much sensory input.
today i woke up much earlier than i wanted to after only a few hours of sleep, which automatically makes me extremely anxious and cranky and sensitive. i wanted to make a smoothie and i was pretty excited about that because we have all this fresh fruit and gosh darn it i love smoothies. but when i got all the ingredients in the blender, something in me just sort of shut down and i couldn't think. i was so worried i'd mess up something and i didn't want to actually turn on the blender because it's noisy. i just could not finish the smoothie and i had to get my grandma to finish making it for me. i plugged my ears and cowered in the corner as she turned on the blender and i had to keep telling her to stop because even with my ears plugged the blender was just so aggravating. it wasn't even that it was especially loud, i was just in a moment where i couldn't handle any noise at all, you know?
i tried to put the ingredients away in the fridge and clean up, i just couldn't do that either, i just huddled on the floor hugging my knees and banging my head on the stove because everything about my body just felt wrong and hitting myself made it feel 'right.' i get self destructive like this when i have a "regular" panic attack because i get slight derealization and the pain grounds me, but this time it felt different...i wasn't panicking, per se, i just felt a lot of internalized something and i couldn't get it out. i even yelled at my grandma because i was so frustrated and couldn't think at all, which is something i absolutely never do because love my grandma and i don't want to worry or offend her. everything just felt so loud, when it really shouldn't have - the tv was off, the blender was put away, all the windows are open and i can hear the birds and the wind and the woods outside and my grandma taking. ordinarily it would have been calming, but i was just so anxious and hypersensitive that it all just got me worked up.
anyway so now i'm trying my best to calm down and figure out what this episode was. it only lasted, like, 10 minutes, but i still feel pretty sensitive. it didn't feel like a regular panic attack. i'm mostly just crying and feeling guilty and weird and tired. i was just too worked up that it was super hard to drink my smoothie. i feel nauseous, which is normal with my anxiety, but i made my dang smoothie so i should drink it. i know it should taste good, but so much weird stuff is going on sensory wise that it tastes both too strong and too bland at the same time and i can't determine if i like the flavor of it. the texture is gross too. i dunno. don't put kiwis in smoothies, guys.
i think i might need to thank my grandma for helping me out and then go back to sleep and that should straighten things out a bit but, i dunno...can anyone with anxiety problems and autism/spd problems help me figure out just what the heck is going on here, or tell me if they've had experiences like this? can panic attacks and shutdowns/meltdowns go hand in hand?
23 Jun 2014, 11:27 am
