A followup to my thread about kissing a friend

Post Reply New Topic

Hi All,

I was going to reply in my original thread, but I see it was locked. Actually I was pretty amazed at the life it took on. I figured it had petered out after 7 pages or so, and would soon be buried by others posts. I forgot about it, until I casually looked it up and saw it had more than doubled in length.

First of all, I apologize for instigating such a heated debate. It wasn't my intention. I was just trying to find a way to cope with my guilt over the mistake I made in kissing my friend. I felt like I violated her trust and her space in a misguided effort to trust what my instincts told me, and to be more of an assertive person. We had initially hugged goodbye, and she seemed to cling to me just a bit longer than what might be normal. I took this to mean that perhaps she was giving me a hint, and I kissed her. She did not say at the time that what I did was wrong, and she smiled and we parted ways with me none the wiser. It wasn't until she messaged me later, that I learned I was wrong to kiss her.

I apologized profusely. She said I didn't do anything wrong and assured me it was alright, but it wasn't enough for me.

I consider myself a feminist. I try in every way to be respectful of women. As others have pointed out to me in the past, I may even have a tendency to put women on a pedestal, when I really should just treat them as I would anyone else...regular people, not some ideal or object of desire. I try so very hard to do this, but still it is hard even for me to talk to woman. To approach one I don't even know and begin to chat...unimagineable. I have a lot of challenges when it comes to interacting with others, going back to personal, family experiences, that I'm working on resolving with a counselor.

With my friend, I thought the time was right, and the signal was there, and I took a chance...and it was the wrong one. It has shaken me, and I've resolved to never again do something like that. I'll always ask. If it kills the mood, so be it. If the other person loses respect for me because I'm not assertive enough to "know' when to kiss without asking, we're probably not a good fit anyways.

I suppose I just yearn for physical contact. To hold hands, to put my arm over someone's shoulder, to kiss, to caress, to one day perhaps even make love. I used to be and still am so very reserved with my affections, though I want to be more expressive and I'm trying more, but this experience has me wondering if that is the right approach, or if I should just not take such chances unless given explicit permission. I think that is the right thing, and the safe thing.

As for my friend, I wish I had better news to tell. I just can't bring myself to face her, and I've not communicated with her since I wrote my apology message. Maybe with time things will return to normal, but until then I just can't do it. I can't yet forgive myself for what I did to my friend, who trusted in me and felt comfortable around me, and in a split second all that was gone away.

I still believe you did nothing egregious. It was a mistake. Friends don't come a dime a dozen to Aspies. If you feel.el she's someone special, you should resume the friendship. It would b e a waste and a pity if you didn't.

This is only my take.

The sooner you forgive yourself for making a simple mistake the better off you'll be as you won't waste your time thinking about it or stress yourself sick over it. Forgiveness is a powerful thing - especially when you're forgiving yourself.

It was a mistake.

You acknowledged it as such and so did she.

I am sorry it went out like this. However you seem to have the right approach when it comes to interacting with people(of all genders) so I do not think you should be too harsh on yourself.

Maybe you are right and you need some time apart from your friend .

I just hope that you can go back to being friends eventually with no hard feelings from either of you

You made a mistake, and we all do. I make cringeworthy mistakes ALL the time.

Oh sweetie, please stop beating yourself up. As far as I am concerned you did nothing wrong. Everyone misses the signal on the kiss sometimes, including every non-sexist NT you may know. And when it happens between friends, there usually is a temporary [ ussually temporary]awkwardness that will subside sooner if you do not make a big deal out of it. Even the suave Boo has probably gone through this, right Boo?

If you would, check out this post I made in another thread:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp6126696.html#6126696

From what I can see, you really didn't do anything substantially different from what GiantHockeyFan did. Most importantly, don't be logically or emotionally dissuaded from developing and using your non-verbal communications skills - don't be shamed away from developing and reaching your full potential. You are very well on your way to success. What you feel is a failure on your part is more a matter of circumstances and outcome, as opposed to any deficiency. In my opinion, you stand shoulder to shoulder with GiantHockeyFan. You should be proud of your work to develop your skills and equally proud of your bravery in testing those skills. Don't let anyone manipulate your self-perception so as to deepen the effect of your disability. Good luck!

Post edit: Don't let anyone, directly or indirectly, expressly or implicitly, manipulate your self-perception so as to deepen the effect of your disability.

Last edited by SoftwareEngineer on 25 Jun 2014, 4:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.

my on off bf/ex asked if he could kiss me 5 mins into our first date and its one of my most romantic memories, he had been really nervous and had never done anything like that before but had a sudden surge of courage, he blew me away with his lovely kiss. So I think theres nothing wrong with asking.

Hey Brian, don't worry about the thread, it was a legit discussion about things that go way beyond you. But I agree with the others, that you really should stop beating yourself up about this, and maybe in a week or so see if your friend wants to meet up, maybe with other people, if you guys often go out with others. And just let things pick up again. If she wants space that's fine too.

Many years ago an college boyfriend of mine was a complete putz to me and I cut him off after embarrassing him in front of half his dorm. But he valued the friendship and after a cool-off time spent about a year showing me that he really was a good friend. He was just consistent about it. That was 25 years ago, and I just visited him and his family, stayed over at his house last week. Good friends really are hard to come by, and he is one. So just be patient about it and again stop beating yourself up, no point in that.

This post is not intended to beat down the OP, but intended specifically to you SoftwareEngineer because you still don't seem to get it.

There is a significant difference between Brian's and GH's case. GH was on a date where both parties knew kissing was a possibility whereas Brian was with just a friend.
And even on a date, don't forget that those you're "testing your skills" on are not a lifeless dummy but a human being with emotions. Take that into consideration and have some respect for their body and feelings. You might be able to dismiss them as uptight b*****s if they get upset but not everyone shares the same logic and ideas as you. If it does not affect other people in a bad way whatsoever, I think it is ok to try to develop your social skills.

Do you think this site needs stronger rules, so my statement above would be deleted as abuse and I would be warned by the moderators?

Post edit: It seems that this post has been edited by the moderators, by deleting quotes. Just for clarity and to keep things in context, this post is in direct reference to the post above, by Yuzu.

Last edited by SoftwareEngineer on 27 Jun 2014, 2:23 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I like what Tarantella said.

Agreed. That was definitely respect, kindness and love for another fellow

Seems like your friend wants to stay friends. I'd make an effort to spend time with her as soon as possible. If she sees that you're going to follow through on your promise of not doing it again, you should be fine

I dunno where my post disappeared but I said:

Don't avoid her, stay natural with her as nothing happened but don't repeat it.

Thanks all for the kind response and the words of encouragement. I may yet reach the point where I can take your advice to heart.

But it's hard. I guess I'm just rather exhausted by the breadth and totality of my efforts to form interpersonal connections with other people, these last ten years or so.

I yearn like most everyone else for some kind of lasting, meaningful relationship. I do have some rich friendships, but most are now by phone or text, as the friends are long since moved away. And other friends I feel I'm starting to lose, as they build their own lives, careers and families. One friend I used to see a couple times a week, as we would go running together. Now he has two kids and I see him maybe twice a year.

It could be I'm going about this for the wrong reason, but I have to admit that romance and love entices me for what it offers: lasting companionship. I feel like I'm being gradually socially isolated against my own will by the friends who move on, and the solution seems to be to find my own companion in love.

I yearn for some kind of affectionate contact. Some kind of reciprocity in sentiment. Someone who'll call or text ME from time to time saying, "I was thinking about you," or asking "What's up?" But so seldom has this happened, so often have I been the sole instigator, that the idea that someone could find me desirable seems almost unimaginable.

I have dreams at night. Sometimes I'm an utterly suave person able to make a woman laugh, able to charm her, feeling totally confident. Other times the dreams are as simple as some woman whose face is unfamiliar to me walks up to me and kisses me, or just holds my hand, with a look of absolute acceptance upon her face. I am acceptable as I am.

But to no avail in reality. My record so far is three dates with one person, and that's only happened once. Every other time things have petered out after two or one dates.

And I get exhausted. Will I ever find someone? Is it worth enduring all the disappointment and the embarrassment such as I brought upon myself, for the slim hope of finding somebody? I feel more and more like I just want to stop trying and focus instead exclusively on what I am good at, and derive meaning and purpose from that. Do I need to learn to just accept being alone? I've tried in the past, but the yearning for something more, to enjoy life with somebody never really abates, and any time I see a woman whom I find attractive, I yearn all the more to love and be loved. Damned if I can find the courage to walk up and say hello.

So ultimately I'm just not ready to see or talk to this person again. Not until I decide if it truly is worth it to continue pursuing interpersonal relationships. Because maybe work is the best thing right now, to fill the void.