suspect I have Delusional Disorder. treatment ideas?

Post Reply New Topic

This is embarrassing to type even thou I posted about a lot of the background stuff before here. I'm not quite sure where to begin & how much is relevant so I'll try to cover it all
I got in my 1st relationship when I was 20 & things fell apart partly because I became obsessed & had bad anxiety that caused me to be very needy, clingy & controlling. I fell into a psychotic depression when things ended & spent the next 5 years on various psych meds. I don't know if those symptoms are relevant but I'll elaborate on them if anyone wants. I gradually got better & quit all the meds after 5 years because they were making things worse for me in the end. I was still a little depressed but not nearly as bad as I was & I had a handle on what was real & what wasn't. I was really lonely thou & had no luck but bad trying to find another girlfriend which may of been the reason I gradually developed a crush on a celebrity. I posted about it aLOT on WP because it was pretty bad at times.

I crushed on her aLOT, was super obsessed & had some physical problems during periods of very heavy crushing. My heart sometimes literally skipped beats(my heart is fine & it was triggered by my mind or nervous system due to the intense emotional affects of crushing), I sometimes felt dizzy, weak, like I was going to pass out, & I fell down a few times. All those problems were related to intense crushing.

I quit crushing on Miranda when I got in my 2nd relationship. I loved Megz but we had problems because I was clingy, needy & obsessed. I started taking a medication for anxiety because I didn't want things to fall apart like they did in my 1st relationship & various things I read about psychotic depression along with analyzing myself & what happened with my 1st relationship made me suspect the bad anxiety I had in my 1st was a factor for the psychotic depression that developed when it ended. I gradually got more relaxed & less needy & clingy in the relationship but the progress was too little too late & she broke up with me under the guise of her not being able to handle a relationship with anyone. I kept dwelling on things after & kept lurking & stalking her posts everyday till I started a med for OCD after realizing the bad OCD I had throughout my life was another factor. I started dwelling on things less & quit stalking her posts because I felt more relaxed about it & I could focus on a much wider variety of things.

I started heavily crushing on Miranda again & shortly after got in my 3rd relationship. I did not become super needy, clingy & obsessed with Cass like I did with the other two I think because of the anxiety & OCD medication I was & am still am on. I've been living with Cass a year & a half now & I really do love her but I had gradually fallen in love with Miranda while crushing while single & I still love her along with both my ex girlfriends. I accept that things are over with my two exes & that I will always love them so I'm able to move on & focus on my relationship with Cass.

However loving Miranda is causing problems for me. I'm not really crushing on her but I feel like there's some kind of connection that's pulling at me & I felt that with her before I got in my 2nd relationship. I believe that if I could of came up with a plan to meet her & spend some time with her when I was single that she would of fallen in love with me we'd be married now. I could never come up with a plan to meet her thou & I know now that Miranda may be perfect but Cass is the one who's perfect for me. My feelings went from crushing on Miranda to now feeling extremely protective of her. I would give anything to be in an alternate dimension where I could be married to Cass & be Miranda's bodyguard/personal assistant. I keep feeling like something bad will happen to Miranda & I cant do anything about it sense I'm not with her & I have no idea what that bad thing is. I had a nightmare a few weeks ago that something horrible happened to her & I'm still spooked. I try to avoid anything related to her because now when something makes me think of her I sometimes have flash-backs of the nightmare. The idea of going to bed really freaks me out because it reminds me of the nightmare.

I know logically that I should not feel a connection or pull towards Miranda but I do even thou I cant explain how, why or what this connection pull is that I feel. I know logically that I should not love Miranda sense we never met or communicated but I know I love her because I feel that for both my exes thou I'm not in love with Miranda anymore in the sense of wanting to marry her; I feel that way towards Cass. I know logically that I should not feel a need to protect Miranda sense I have nothing to do with her & she's very independent & can take care of herself way much better than I can take care of myself but these feelings defy logic.

For the most part my anxiety, OCD & depression are doing pretty good. They are aLOT better than they used to be & I'm able to live & enjoy my relationship with Cass which would have lots more problems if my anxiety, OCD &/or depression were not managed. This Miranda thing is causing me to feel really guilty like I'm cheating on Cass in my mind or something. & it's causing me to try to avoid certain interests because I'm trying to avoid thinking of Miranda due to the quilt, premonition that something bad will happen to her, & the pain of all of it.

I've been wondering why I was so hung up on Miranda & couldn't let go for aLong time now. I didn't think it was my OCD, anxiety or psychotic depression sense I no longer have any major obsessions or special interests or other bad OCD problems, my anxiety is under control for the most part, & I'm not that depressed partly due to the medications I'm on along with growing, learning, maturing. I'm doing alot better with life in general nowadays & yeah things aren't perfect but they are aLOT better.

I recently thought that this Miranda stuff might could be delusional disorder because I know this sounds crazy but I don't have any other major problems except maybe alittle paranoia about it. I know logically it may be good for me to get some kind of counseling but I had bad experiences with counselors & psychs in the past & I feel very embarrassed about all this. The only two people I ever talked to offline about Miranda was my 2nd girlfriend when we were together & my current. Cass is very supportive, understanding & accepting of everything which actually makes me feel more guilty because I really do love her & this Miranda stuff makes me feel like I'm cheating or something & deserve to be in the figurative doghouse. I just want this Miranda stuff out of my head. I'm afraid a psych will think I'm a threat to Miranda when I'm actually Miranda's wannabe guardian angle.

I don't think I can bring myself to talk about this stuff with a psych rite now but I could try getting my GP to prescribe me stuff & I want ideas about what I can do to work on this stuff myself; like steps I can take. I read that the type of meds most used for delusional disorder are antipsychotics which make sense to me & I'd like ideas on meds & I'll research em before seeing my GP.

The psych meds I'm currently taking are Buspar for anxiety, Neurontin/Gabapentin for OCD, & Trazodone for sleep & minor depression that's better on it.

The psych meds I tried years ago for the psychotic depression are~ Lexapro/Escitalopram was the antidepressant I tried 1st & kept going back to but I didn't feel like my depression was really better till after I quit it. I tried Prozac/Fluoxetine, Paxil/Paroxetine, Pristiq/Desvenlafaxine but kept going back to Lex because I tolerated it better & seemed to work better thou I don't remember the specific issues I had with em. I also tried the antidepressants Remeron/Mirtazapine which made me sleep & eat(I'd wake up for a couple hours & eat & go back to sleep for a couple more hours & then wake up & repeat the cycle) & Anafranil/Clomipramine made me shaky, jerk, & mentally out of it but it got rid of my OCD while on it & my OCD was gone for a week after the side-effects wore off when I quit taking it.
I was on Lithium awhile but I hated the frequent blood test for it because I have small rolling veins & Lithium made me feel drained. I tried another mood stabilizer but I was only on it real briefly & don't remember which one it was.
The antipsychotic I was on most was Abilify/Aripiprazole. It made me stutter & slur, & caused some ticks & twitches but I had more problems with the others I tried. Geodon/Ziprasidone made me have more problems with ticks/twitches. I don't remember the problems I had on Seroque/Quetiapine but I didn't stay on it long. I also tried antipsychotics Risperdal/Risperidone & Zyprexa/Olanzapine but one made me shaky/jerky & the other made me tired & sick to my stomach.

All the antipsychotics I tried were atypical 1s & I had problems with em all even on the lowest dose so I'd rather try the typical 1s if I was going to try an antipsychotic.

I recently (like just this morning) realized that my husband of 10 years has delusional disorder mostly of the paranoid and jealous types. He believes that his coworkers are poisoning him, his friend is tampering with our car, our neighbor is calling the cops on us, that I have frequently been unfaithful to him and our son isn't biologically his.

You sound as if you may have the erotomania type. I am sometimes afraid I have that because of how I feel about someone I met here who lives on the opposite side of the continent from me, but I don't think I really do. I am well and painfully aware of the lack of any actual relationship between us.

This is one article I found that has treatment suggestions: www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/delusional-disorder Web Page Name

Does he have any insight into the fact of his delusional state?
Are you in any danger secondary to his jealousy?
Do you know that successful treatment of DD is very uncommon?
How are his delusions affecting your quality of life?
Are the delusions dominating and overshadowing your ability to connect with him?

Ik what it is like to deal with this:(
How are you doing?

Thanx for that link Mindsigh. I understand some things I read about it alittle better now. I'm not sure what to say about your husband at the moment but I wish you the best of luck with it.

I'm very painfully aware that I don't have a relationship with her but I'm certain I do love her despite never even chatting or anything. I know us Aspies can sometimes become obsessed with people if we're in a relationship with em, they can become our special interests. I don't feel like Miranda is my special interest or like I'm obsessed or anything anymore but I do feel like there's been some kind of very strong pull at me for afew years now. I feel like my anxiety & OCD are fairly well managed, I don't have any special interests(even her) now & I'm not really crushing on her anymore. If it is delusional disorder I have better self-awareness than the average sufferer of it. I have a good analytical ability sometimes & I was using that when I was crushing on her to keep myself from doing anything drastic. It was kind of like when I used it when my psychotic depression was really bad. I'm using that analytical ability now to keep telling myself that I don't actually have any connection or pull towards her besides what's in my screwed up mind & I'm not in her life & she's very independent so I shouldn't be concerned about protecting her or anything.. I keep going round the same loop I cant break out of. slave may be rite about successful treatment being uncommon for delusional disorder but I feel like I need something to give me just alittle improvement to help take the edge off & allow me to break the loop I keep going in.

Hey, nick007,

I don't know anything about delusional disorder, but this sounds like just plain obsession combined with a hampered "theory of mind". I have problems with ToM theory and only accept parts of it or understand it to mean like in this type of thing, we think that because we are so strongly attracted to someone else that the other person feels the same or we just tend to think that there must be "something to" the attraction, something meaningful, when there probably isn't. i have experienced this for years. Past crushes still haunt me and I have come to realize that even if I was with those people, I would just go on "crushing" on the one I left or didn't have anymore. It's more of a coping thing. Being in a relationship is hard even for people with no social/relational issues. But for me it is harder I think because I have great difficulty having an "emotional" type of connection to my husband and I always feel as though I keep a sort of distance from him, not really by choice. The thoughts I recognize are more from longing for that emotional connection and that person really is a sort of fantasy. Even if I knew the person well, in my mind now they are just a fantasy, not a "real" person because in my mind they say and do all the "right" things and no person will ever be able to do that, I think it is more of "dissociative" thing, though not in the truest sense. I think it is a maladaptive coping thing. Like something solid and dependable to hang onto, something to "ground" you, you might say because being in a relationship can feel so chaotic and so "close".

Like your girlfriend Cass, my husband knows about some of this because I felt so guilty about it and told him but he also knows that he has done things that didn't exactly encourage my trust in him. I am trying to stop this "crushing" business because I know it is wrong, and realizing that it is just an "obsession" that provides me with some sort of familiarity or comfort or stability because I can control this "imaginary" person and can control my reaction to this other person in my imagination, realizing what it really is, has helped a lot. It doesn't have as much power over me. I also have difficulties dealing with all the physical touch involved in a relationship (if you know what I mean) and I have also realized that it causes me a great deal of sensory discomfort to the point that I often "dissociate" and think about other things or people just in order to handle all the touching; it isn't deliberate but just happens and I constantly try to stop it and get back into the moment. I am logically and "analytically" aware that the attraction is not really legitimate, and that I am not responsible for that other person so I don't think it is truly a delusional thing. That's what I get from you too. Does any of this make sense? I hope I helped in some way if any of this might apply to you. Our emotions and anxieties can cause us to think a lot of things we don't really want. I also have OCD, the horrible intrusive thought sort combined with checking, contamination, rule-breaking fears, and well, I think I might have had it all by now. Started at the age of four with intrusive thoughts and worries. I also have had my fair share of obsessive activities and interests. Not entirely sure I have Aspergers but that's what so much adds up to it seems.

I understand QuiversWhiskers but I don't fully relate. The strongest emotional connection I had with with my 1st girlfriend & I didn't feel a strong one with my 2nd but I was majorly obsessed with both. I feel an emotional connection to Cass(thou it's not as strong as my 1st) & I haven't gotten as obsessed with her I think because I screwed up both previous relationships by being too needy, clingy, dependent & obsessed so I feel like I keep my distance sometimes out of fear of screwing things up. However Cass's personality is different than my two previous & she's dealing with some stuff so those behaviors that were bad with my previous are actually good with her. I don't think I feel an emotional connection with Miranda because our personalities are pretty opposite & I've always been more attracted to people I feel I can relate to. It's more of an admiration idolization thing with Miranda but I'm someone who doesn't pay attention to celebs & tend to despise them being role-models but Miranda's different. She's smart, responsible, independent, mature, funny, sweet, & outgoing to name afew things. I'm pretty affectionate & like physical affection within a relationship & Cass is the same way so we're a good match with that.

There afew things I forgot to mention about this that concern me. I'm NOT a jealous person. I don't really envy others or get upset that others have things I don't so I don't really get or understand the emotion of jealousy. However when I watch Miranda on TV or doing an interview or something & she makes a comment about liking someone, finding someone cute, or dates or kisses someone: I say it should of been me & I get upset & kinda sulk. It's always should of been like in the past tense thou. I don't want to date her now or really crush on her now but I feel like I should have came up with some kind of plan to have met her & dated her awhile beofre meeting Cass.

I'm also NOT a violent person. I'm a pacifist, I don't think about harming others or wish bad things upon people or anything like that. I think the only way I could really intentionally hurt someone bad physically is if me or someone else I was around were in grave mortal danger like may get killed or raped or something. However when I stumble across stuff online with pervs talking about her in sexual ways I want to rip their g*d-d*mn#d f#ck!n n#tz off I really do not trust any guy dating her or even hanging out with her. Also stumbling across fake pix of her or getting a thought from somewhere about her in a sexual way has sometimes caused me to vomit in my mouth alittle but the only things that have ever made me vomit before were physical like being sick, medications or motion sickness: thoughts or being exposed to things has never caused me to vomit with anything else.

I took a trip to visit my family & I was pretty busy before I left, busy traveling by Greyhound for two days. I've been here a week & been busy helping my mom clean house, spending time with parents, grandparents, & going places. I haven't had any real time to myself to wind down doing my own fun stuff at all in the last two weeks. It's probably related to being busy, stress & exhaustion but Miranda hasn't been on my mind much at all & I don't have any strong feelings or feel like I really care lately; I still care & feel strongly for Cass thou. I'm pretty sure thou that after I'm back home with her(I'm staying here one more week) & have a chance to wind down & all; this stuff with Miranda would go back to how it was before I left. It's been a relief not having it lately but I know forcing myself to be constantly busy indefinitely to keep up the Miranda relief is going really hurt me after awhile.

I wish there was a way to replace these crushes. Let me know if you find a way . I know they can be annoying and emotionally unsettling. You are brave to post about it; for me it is embarrassing, but it's good to know that other people experience similar things.

Maybe try not to be in a relationship right now while you are dealing with these issues.

I understand why you'd think that but I've been with Cass a couple years now & have been living together close to two years. We love each other more than anything & we're both better people with each other. Some of the members who've followed my posts for the last few years have noticed I'm doing alot better. Yeah our relationship isn't perfect because we both have our issues but what's important is that we talk things over, understand each other, try our very best to be supportive & stand by each other. I guess it's interdependent but it works for us & we'd be lost without each other.

This Miranda stuff is a lot better than it was when I was single because I'm not obsessing or crushing & I feel like I'm more grounded but things in my mind evolved into something that concerns me.

What you have, Nick007, sounds more to me like limerence rather than delusional disorder.

I'm not a therapist of any kind, but I suffered as you do for many, many years-- finding myself repeatedly in relationships with women who probably didn't care about me to begin with, but I crushed on heavily. Sometimes I would have repeated, non-contiguous relationships with some of the same women. There was a time when I ping-ponged between three particular women over an 8-year timespan.

Limerence isn't about love, and it's not about sex-- although they can play roles. Limerence is about using a person as an object of security. This is not done maliciously-- it's just like you have OCD and GAD, with your Object (I'm using the clinical terminology here-- not to denigrate anybody) the only relief from your anxiety. Their physical presence is the only reassurance your mind has. Love and friendship are almost ignored in favor of just having the security of the Object around.

Now, while this is not deliberately malicious on your part, knowing this is the way you are makes pursuing anyone in a relationship a somewhat irresponsible act. I think you already know this by the way you tell your story. However, a great danger is that you may be used by a less-than-trustworthy person who sees your clinginess as a toll with which to manipulate and control you. That is, in fact, what happened to me many times. To a greater or lesser extent I was wanted by someone for what I could bring them (money, sex, whatever) but I was used and manipulated into doing things I absolutely knew were wrong for me. The threat of the Object leaving was enough to send me into a panic.

The study of limerence is relatively new, but there are some good online resources describing the condition. If you are able to, you should seek out a specialist in relationship counseling-- hopefully one who has experience with ASD as well. But there is hope. CBT worked for me, and there are other therapies that seem to work as well.

Good luck! PM me if you have questions you'd rather not ask in the open forum.

I heard of limerence BlankReg but I haven't read up on it much. I'll read link after I'm back home & had a chance to rest. I won't be back for another week. Maybe I had some limerence with my 1st & 2nd relationships but I never had it with Cass & perhaps that's some of why I feel guilty. It's been 11 days sense I seen Cass & I miss her terribly & I barely even thought about Miranda in a couple weeks. I feel like part of my mind is too active sometimes which might be why the limerence or whatever it isn't around now sense I'm kind of exhausted mentally.. Maybe my OCD & anxiety stuff aren't as manged with this as they are in general.

I really appreciate the offer to PM you BlankReg but I'm OK posting about it. I posted quite aLot of personal stuff on WP & hopefully some of it helps others in addition to helping me. I welcome PMs from members too thou.