Sick of watching everyone else grow up and move on.

Page 1 of 1 [ 14 posts ] 

Girlwithaspergers
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Dec 2012
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,320
Location: USA

04 Jul 2014, 4:34 pm

I remember the good old days when I was the most mature person at school. Now, I'm watching people who it seemed like seconds ago only cared about toys and playing: going off to college far away, getting engaged, having kids, working, being independent; all while I am still living with my mom and dad, doing everything they say, going to a pediatrician for disabled/autistic, never having romance, maybe fooling around at CC but not getting serious at a real college, working 5 hours a week at a place that only hired me because they know my grandmother.

The thing that sends chills up and down my spine (other that the fact that I'm not YET famous lol) is that my life is exactly the same as it was when I was a young child. In fact, I still feel the same way inside and often act the same way as I did then. My mother won't even let me leave my yard alone. It makes me want to cry or even die to think that I might still be like this years from now. And, here I am, hiding from the world behind a computer screen, not knowing what to do with myself. I really, really, don't want my life to be wasted in unhappiness. I can't let go of so many things still, and it just makes me sad. Everyone says I am immature, and I don't want to be, but I don't know how to change that. I just want to grow up too but I don't know how.


_________________
Diagnosed with Aspergers, ADHD, Bipolar Type II, OCD, and generalized anxiety.


Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 31,268
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

04 Jul 2014, 4:53 pm

Does your mom give any reason why you are not 'allowed' to leave your yard alone? Also if you've gone to community college or taken classes, how does she figure you don't have the capacity to leave your own yard? Depending on your relationship maybe you could talk to her about how you think that sort of thing holds you back....sounds like it kind of would. I mean just because you have autism doesn't mean people should treat you like a child...on account of having autism they should still treat you as an adult with autism. Legally speaking of course your mom or parents in general cannot disallow you from leaving the house and things like that of course.



Ectryon
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jun 2014
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
Location: Hundred Acre Wood

04 Jul 2014, 5:18 pm

Girlwithaspergers wrote:
I remember the good old days when I was the most mature person at school. Now, I'm watching people who it seemed like seconds ago only cared about toys and playing: going off to college far away, getting engaged, having kids, working, being independent; all while I am still living with my mom and dad, doing everything they say, going to a pediatrician for disabled/autistic, never having romance, maybe fooling around at CC but not getting serious at a real college, working 5 hours a week at a place that only hired me because they know my grandmother.

The thing that sends chills up and down my spine (other that the fact that I'm not YET famous lol) is that my life is exactly the same as it was when I was a young child. In fact, I still feel the same way inside and often act the same way as I did then. My mother won't even let me leave my yard alone. It makes me want to cry or even die to think that I might still be like this years from now. And, here I am, hiding from the world behind a computer screen, not knowing what to do with myself. I really, really, don't want my life to be wasted in unhappiness. I can't let go of so many things still, and it just makes me sad. Everyone says I am immature, and I don't want to be, but I don't know how to change that. I just want to grow up too but I don't know how.


I think that if you take this all one step at a time it will all fall into place. First you and your mum should have a heart to heart about your needs. Tell her that you feel stifled that at 18 you need a little more independence. I know that were my child autistic (high chance obviously) I would be overprotective and might struggle to let go. I know that I didn't deal well with my parents growing older or my cousins and sibling. I still wanted to think of them as they were. Your mum may have autistic traits and reistance to change may be among them. If that is the case she mightbe struggling to let go of the past.

Once you have that kind of independence I think that you will feel far more mature. Really though even though your peers seem to be doing all the adult stuff many of them feel much as you do inside but use grown up toys to hide it all. Many will be doing all this stuff because its "what you do" while inside they are still largely unchanged.

You are also extremely young at 18 and most of WP may agree with me when I say that 18 may SEEM like the beginning of adulthood but in reality your adulthood has barely even begun. Im 23 and I feel EXACTLY the way you do.

Also this childlike quality is typical of adults on the spectrum. I think thats its the primary positive of being on the spectrum, at least for me. As my peers are all consumed by age and stress I still feel like a little kid. That sense of the inner child gets destroyed by the world and the pain of growing older and facing up to the reality that all your grown up toys mean nothing is harsh. We aspies often dont have to face that difficulty. Perhaps it evens out since we often have to face the pain of watching the world around uschange.


_________________
IMPORTANT PLEASE READ ! !
My history on this forum preserves my old and unregenerate self. In the years since I posted here I have undergone many changes. I accept responsibility for my posts but I no longer stand behind them.
__________________
And He is the radiance of His glory and the exact representation of His nature, and upholds all things by the word of His power When He had made purification of sins, He sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high Hebrews 1:3


franknfurter
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Jan 2013
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Posts: 738

04 Jul 2014, 5:53 pm

I feel the same, it confuses me that other people my age I know seem to suddenly change into these responsible adults, driving cars and having full time jobs, I still feel like I should be in school.


its odd, I don't know what I can say to help, but really comparing yourself to others is hopeless in the end because there are always people who you perceive to be, better off, more attractive, have more friends, more intelligent and there will be people that you feel are less so. That's what I try and think anyway, and also happiness should be how you really feel about what make you happy, make sure you are not mixing up true happiness with what you feel you should be doing in terms of fitting in. for example, my friends drink alcohol, go clubbing, and drive cars, go shopping , none of these things would make me happy so I don't do them, but I do get a sense of missing out sometimes, I get a bit melancholy that people seem to want to do the things I find to be boring.

so really to sum up, I feel the same way you do, sometimes, but then I remember that we are all individuals and not everyone matures at the same speed, do what you feel is natural for you.



darkotics
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 29 Jun 2014
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 23

04 Jul 2014, 6:22 pm

I feel this way too. I think I'm retarded, tbh. It disgusts me. I have no reason to be alive.



wavecannon
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 8 Aug 2013
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 210
Location: Yorkshire

04 Jul 2014, 6:27 pm

I was going to bounce onto this thread and say how much I feel the same but I think you're operating under special circumstances here. The age of 18 is a full rung in life experience lower than my current age of 22 but not being allowed to leave your front door is really something else. Once I learnt to cycle I could go up to the park and pointlessly cycle loops around it until it got dark, and I'd explore the woods and hillsides with friends until we got so far out of our known range that we freaked out a little, and this is ages 7?11 I'm talking about. I honestly wouldn't know where to go if I were forced to be housebound aged 18. Would I tell a shrink or a policeman? At that age it really is another kind of neglect: sheltering to the point of neglect. Tell your pediatrician in confidence.

It's hard enough for us on the spectrum to find work, independence, partners, own homes, reliable circles of friends and opportunities to go out as it is without deliberately having them taken away from us.



mr_bigmouth_502
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Dec 2013
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,995
Location: Alberta, Canada

04 Jul 2014, 7:22 pm

Many of my friends are growing up around me too, getting their own cars, finishing high school, going off to college or university, working full-time jobs, and it bites. I dropped out of high school, worked at a grocery store for five months before calling it quits, and am currently living in a friend's basement partially because his mother didn't want to see me out on the streets. I was thrust into the "adult" world kicking and screaming, though I am thankful that I am in the situation I'm in. I may not be able to drive, and I may not really have my s**t together, but at least my friend's family understands this, and they're willing to put up with me. I'm treated respectfully as an adult, yet they understand that I'm not as "independant" as a typical person my age.

I'm torn because on the one hand I was saved from living a doomed existance, but on the other hand, it just pisses me off that life seems to be passing me by, and that many of my friends, almost all of whom are younger than me, are passing me by and generally growing up way faster than me. I'll probably be 25 before I'm at where they are at right now at 18/19 years old, and by then they'll probably all have families and successful careers and be finished their post-secondary educations.

The thing is, I don't necessarily want to grow up or succeed, I just feel like I'm being pressured to by society. I mean, it would be cool to move to a bigger city and have my own apartment some day, but for the most part, I don't want to be an "adult", I just want to be an overgrown teenager. I just want to enjoy a slackerish lifestyle and not give a f**k.



rapidroy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Dec 2012
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,411
Location: Ontario Canada

04 Jul 2014, 11:57 pm

I can relate and its not getting much better, its not so much that I want what they have because I don't want to get married and start a family and really I don't have a need for a career yet, its more that they have moved on and I don't fit into their lives anymore so I end up being stuck in this odd void. Turning 19 chronologically was the worst thing for me because I no longer can attend any programs for teens like art camps for example and there is nothing for adults, life is sort of like a cliff from that point. Also as a 24 year old what parent would feel comfortable letting their teen hang out with me? Too bad that now that I have the confidence and interest to get out of the basement and explore the world and society that I'm kind of forced to stay in the basement because that's all there is for me. I have found that because I don't have much outside support from friends so I have to be even more independent and mature in some ways to get what they have, if I want to do something I have to take family or go it alone, most people my age can count on friends to assist in the process, they may not be that mature however they get to grow together with a combined strength that I never got to know(you know the big spring break car trip to a cottage for example). The best I can do is keep looking young physically, putting myself out there and hope things change and people catch up to me.



Dillogic
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,770

05 Jul 2014, 12:03 am

Sounds like you've got the better deal than those "moving on".

But then, I'm one of those people who think marriage and your typical working life are a terrible burden people put up with because they're indoctrinated into it.



mr_bigmouth_502
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Dec 2013
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,995
Location: Alberta, Canada

05 Jul 2014, 12:17 am

rapidroy wrote:
I can relate and its not getting much better, its not so much that I want what they have because I don't want to get married and start a family and really I don't have a need for a career yet, its more that they have moved on and I don't fit into their lives anymore so I end up being stuck in this odd void. Turning 19 chronologically was the worst thing for me because I no longer can attend any programs for teens like art camps for example and there is nothing for adults, life is sort of like a cliff from that point. Also as a 24 year old what parent would feel comfortable letting their teen hang out with me? Too bad that now that I have the confidence and interest to get out of the basement and explore the world and society that I'm kind of forced to stay in the basement because that's all there is for me. I have found that because I don't have much outside support from friends so I have to be even more independent and mature in some ways to get what they have, if I want to do something I have to take family or go it alone, most people my age can count on friends to assist in the process, they may not be that mature however they get to grow together with a combined strength that I never got to know(you know the big spring break car trip to a cottage for example). The best I can do is keep looking young physically, putting myself out there and hope things change and people catch up to me.


I have almost much the exact same problems. It really sucks that once you reach the age of majority, you're pretty much expected to only be interested in "adult" things like work, sex, drinking, etc. I find that I get on quite well hanging out with younger teenagers, but a lot of parents probably wouldn't be comfortable with me hanging out with them. Fortunately, as a "nerd", it's somewhat easy for me to find activities where I can hang out with younger people and not be judged, or at least it would be if I lived in a larger city and had more disposable income. I remember there was a comic book store I would go to every so often to play Magic: The Gathering when I lived at my dad's, but it was an hour away and there was a fee to pay to get in, as they mainly did booster drafts (this is what a booster draft is; http://mtgsalvation.gamepedia.com/Booster_draft the fee is to pay for the packs themselves). Now, I have nothing like that, as the nearest card shop is two hours away, and has a relatively dead community.



EzraS
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Sep 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,828
Location: Twin Peaks

05 Jul 2014, 3:12 am

I see myself getting stuck in a rut like that. Up until now I've "made so much progress". But as time goes on and kids my age like my cousin get a driver's license and then move out on their own, I'll probably still be where I'm at now. Still needing to be looked after just as much and having the same limitations. When asked what I want to be when I grow up I just say "independent".



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 18,213
Location: Maidstone, UK

05 Jul 2014, 4:20 am

I know how you feel. I feel like everybody around me are moving on with their lives, and here's me still single, was lucky to get a part-time job, can't afford to move out of my parent's house, and have to spend my week-ends doing voluntary work because otherwise I would just be sitting in my room.

The few friends I did have have found themselves a boy/girlfriend, even though practically all my friends are somewhere on the Autism spectrum. I'm not saying people with ASDs shouldn't find true love. I'm just saying if all of them have found the right person then why haven't I? And their relationships are getting serious as well, one of them shows pictures of flowers from her boyfriend, the other one posts that he's brought his girlfriend a ring.....I could just cry.

People just give me the same old cliche ''you'll find someone soon''. I'm sick of hearing that. When's soon? In 30 years?


_________________
Female
Aged 30
On antidepressants
Diagnosed with AS, ADHD and anxiety disorder


rapidroy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Dec 2012
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,411
Location: Ontario Canada

06 Jul 2014, 12:41 am

I was thinking, you know that movie Freaky Friday where a 13 year old daughter and 40+ year old mother trade bodies for a time? I have never seen it straight through however I think a lot of us can understand what it would have been like to be in the daughter's predicament. A kid trapped in a middle age body.



AdamK
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jun 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 43

07 Jul 2014, 7:24 am

Parents can be like that girlwithaspergers. My mum is way too protective of me to be honest, and I'm 29. I'm trying to come up with something better to say than "Tell her how you feel and do things one step at a time", since others have already written that. You are you, not someone else. How someone else is doing is irrelevent to you, no matter who they are. I want work, but I don't want a romantic relationship, or children. This doesn't make me worse than my friends and relatives who are engaged or married. However, I am not letting anything stop me from getting what I want in my life (not what society says I should want.) I want to encourage you to do that, even if it mean you have to look your family members in the eye and say "Enough of this. I'm an adult. Treat me like it." Let everything else come later.