Ennui Forever

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I pretty much feel like s**t and have no motivation or direction, and I'm getting sick of the god damn roller coaster every other week with the stuff I am taking. So, while it's probably not going to help anything, I just can't summon the will to engage other people and have deleted all my roleplaying stuff. I can't take the stress and inability to find a purpose for my gaming life when it's just an ineffectual sop for the lack of any interest in real life.
Life is pretty much nothing but me being f*****g bored and frustrated and I am tired of it. I have been tired of it for a long time.

I have tried counseling, f*****g drugs, and the problem is I still don't see any f*****g point in life. I don't want relationships with most people, I hate my aimless f*****g hobbies; the only time I ever enjoy myself reliably is when I'm stoned and that usually involves me going to sleep.

I've been denied social security 3 times, I don't have identification, I have virtually no job experience, and I f*****g hate the shitbags that run universities; even if I had the will to get some BS job related to them I'd just as soon shoot them in the face.

I have been through this before, and it never changes; I am starting to think that 'normal' people just can't comprehend what it's like to both emotionally and intellectually despise pretty much everything. I simply do not have the cognitive oversight ability to make a difference, and trying is just adding to the frustration and feelings of hopelessness.

If I can't be high every day I don't see any reason to be alive. Certainly no evidence of this imagined 'potential' people wank about. Life is s**t, and humans are shittier.

I've had a lot of ennui lately too with regards to my projects.

I feel a constant restlessness, dreams about the same thing over and over again, etc. Life is not pleasant.

I'm so f*****g sick of trying anymore. There's no point.

Set small goals. Do something. Life may always be difficult, but you can do things.

This.

I'm easily overwhelmed when presented with big projects. I have to break them down into more manageable sub-tasks. Some NTs have this problem as well.

Still, the idea of doing something grand...I get caught up so much on the details that I never get started. So, I have to do a little at a time and hope I don't lose interest before I finish.

For me it seems whenever I'm stuck in ennui, that's when new ideas start to sprout and I begin to start down a new path.

It's almost as if I recognize certain things are not working for me, I withdraw and ruminate for some time (sometimes a long time), then a light turns on and away I go in a different direction.

Think of Ennui as something elegantly French. It does sound like the name Henri!