so if you didn't feel like you had to get a girl....

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Wow. That's really well-said.

ows, you're missing the point pretty hard. You keep reacting as though this is all about you, and seem to be laser-focused on your own situation.

Honestly, it does not matter whether you, personally, are genius at knowing when to touch and when not to. What matters is that not everyone who makes the move when the other person doesn't want is being violative on purpose. Some people are. But others -- they've misread, they don't know what to do so they figure they're supposed to just keep going, they think it's okay because the other person's not saying no. That's precisely why there's all this advice floating around on here about how women can "just duck the kiss" or whatever -- essentially, react negatively *after* the guy's made an advance.

And it's because there are so many people who do not know how to read desires accurately that the standard for consent is "ask". Verbal. Because you live in a society, sometimes the standards *aren't about you*, but -- if you're paying attention to why things work socially as they do -- you'll see that there are good reasons why the exist, and go with them.

You know, I could say, "There is no way in hell I will ever come on to a student sexually, so it's fine if I let them crash at my house after a wrap party." But it isn't fine, because the boundaries between students and faculty exist for good reasons. They exist because there have been so many faculty who've sexually harassed or violated students. I respect those boundaries as social things that keep students safe. Party ends, goodbye kids, do you need a cab.

You're also conflating rape and other forms of sexual assault.

You do go on about "other faculties for respecting boundaries", but as far as I can make out, you're still talking about interpreting perceived physical signals and hoping for the best. Do you have something else in mind?

As for spontaneity - no, of course not everything is spontaneous. I'll be teaching again in fall. There's nothing spontaneous about that. I've got a trip planned in a few weeks. I will not wake up that day and spontaneously decide to get on a plane. My kid wants to save up for a big purchase. When she collects the money, she won't suddenly decide, one day, to spend it on that thing, as though it had never entered her mind before.

I can't recall, however, planning to ask a guy if I can kiss him, or sleep with him. That just kinda happens in the moment.

1. if they said 98% of rapist are men then I wouldn't have cared well i do cause that number is false, how many male rape victims report it. I didn't and wouldn't. others wouldn't either. our society says a man being raped is a sign of weakness and men can't be weak. so since those casues aren't recorded they wouldn't be shown in the 98% so it might be 88% for all we know.

2. they didn't say 985 of rapist are done by men , they say a lot of men are rapist.
if I say a lot of Mexicans are landscapers, I would be called racist. if i said 98% of landscapers are Mexicans then I would be treated as just saying facts. note I don't think its that high, though most landscapers in my area are of Mexican descent or from there.

well ideally they would be like yeah you right I shouldn't have said a lot. and yeah women rape too. then I'd be like yeah it is mostly men who rape due to the size and strength factor. what can we do to fix it.
instead they get defensive and defend the what I find hurtful wording. I get defensive back we fight for pages. and both parties feel hurt and are now further apart then before the start.

me and my mom will get in fights like this, we both think the same ting but word it differently this causes us to get defensive. til a 3rd party is like look you are both saying _____ and expains it. I feel it is likely the same thing happens here.

most stores have shoplifters, but they don't respond by treating all customers as possible shoplifters. so lets say 26% of women shoplift in a store so then they demand to put a tracker on each woman as she enters and watch you 24/7 while you shop. is this reasonable? I say no. the rest of the population should not be punished for those who do bad things. this is why the government doesn't limit cars to 45 mph or mandate all knifes have a blunt end etc. I wouldn't shop at that store even as a man. I would feel the treatment of women there is wrong.

I hate shopping at walmart now cause rather then upgrade their cameras/turn them on. and hire another guard. they choose to section it off , hire more people to watch customers . they treat us all like shoplifters with the idea that doing so will make us afraid and hopefully so much so that the real shoplifters will be too afraid to do it.

imagine if to prevent gangs from running the government did a nation wide curfu at 10 and roamed the streets with the military ransoming stopping and searching people. people would feel afraid and like they are prejudged guilty. this would most certainly stop gangs and likely most crime. yet we don't do this cause we view such actions as wrong.

you three keep saying its up to men to stop the men who rape, that we need to change society. but stop at mentioning ideas or ways to do it. I can't come up with any except shooting any guy who mentions or even jokes about rape. this isn't a good method though and one I couldn't do. I have no sway with men. I relate and deal more with women. I am non violent and against confrontation.

it is up to both men and women to change how society views sexism doesn't seem like either side working alone would be able to do it. as there isn't a male society and then a female society there is an American society.

I have no idea of how to stop it or change it. I don't know any rapist. if someone talked about raping a woman I would say that is very wrong and never talk to them again. if they talked about how they planned to do it I would report them to the police. If I saw someone attacking a woman and after finding out it is a rape attack if the guy refused to stop or turned to attack me I would shoot him. this is all that I know to do .

Sly; I am so sorry and I have such admiration for you. It is a very rare,very courageous man to speak up as you have. I have also been raped, and after the initial fear of being murdered, then of pregnancy [ these were pre-aids days and I had access to antibiotics without going to the doctor, so other STDs' were not a worry] I was able to talk to a few friends about it, and that made it easier. I cannot even imagine what you, as a male, have gone through.And once again, I greatly admire you.

I should make it clear I wasn't actually raped. though I feel that was her intention. I certianly was very afraid she was going to.
She wouldn't stop touching on me. cause It's assumed by some women guys just always want sex any sex. I may look strong to people due to my size which can be a good thing when out and about maybe criminals assume I am too dangerous to attack. in reality I amd far weaker then my friends. I don't work out so it was hard to get her off me. I am also submissive.

my ex friend for other reasons. left me alone with her after seeing how afraid I was or maybe he couldn't see he was drunk. I managed to hide later and eventually she left. it was late though as I wasn't going to sleep with her around.

I can somewhat see how it was, though I wouldn't compare that or my childhood abuse to others. I don't know if that is right or if It is the same as me not accepting compliments and not seeking help when I get hurt. I don't value myself at the same level of others.

I've never had therapy for the abuse crept when I was a kid. but all I remember us doing is me playing with toys every week. ugh rather not talk about it its bring up thoughts.

I've heard about rape from my friends though, and know my siblings were abused and younger ones raped. not something we talk about.

personally I think rapist should be killed not jailed and feed/provided for. I wouldn't have told the police if she had raped me , probably not even my family.

I am very sorry you had that happen to you. hearing about stuff like that can anger me a lot. I can imagine the pain and emotional trama . I don't get angry much but it does . it might also cause panic attacks. I don't know ift thats the right word. my body gets very tense and its a weird feeling. I wish I could prevent rapes. this is why I can't stand movies that show such things .

hugs. Sorry If I was misleading. I should have said sexual assault or possible attempted rape. likely my ex friend wouldn't have seen it as either though, and laughed at me.

42 pages of "men are scum," written by people who have no interest in social interactions with men in the first place... seems moot.

Every part of what you've written here is wrong.

I'm so sorry all that happened to you, sly. She had no business touching you like that.

No, she did not. I hope you can move on from that experience, sly, and find someone who will appreciate you for who you are.

It's true: it's really hard for a guy to admit he's been physically taken advantage of by a woman. It's quite embarrassing and emasculating.

Which is maybe why more need to speak up.
If you take a step back, you'll see that there's tremendous pressure on both men and women not to report sexual assaults. Women are immediately accused of inviting it, and are often dismissed or threatened by the police. If they press charges, they're accused of trying to ruin the men's lives and their characters are trashed. And men are laughed at and told they should appreciate their good luck.

The only way I know around, in this case, is straight through: by speaking up. Women are, finally, by the thousands.