Doesn't want kids who like him around - help!

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momsparky
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14 Jul 2014, 8:36 pm

DS started a summer camp today - it's exactly right for him, a camp that involves comedy, improv, cartooning, and the like; so it builds skills he needs while also building on his strengths (drawing, a sense of humor.)

He came home from the first day totally upset because there was a "little kid" (two or three years younger than him) who found out they both like the same video game building toys, and the kid asked him to come over to his house and apparently was "clingy all day."

He is now sobbing in his room, because we've had a two-hour argument about it. He wants to quit the camp. I tried to get him to explain exactly what happened, and he couldn't do that. He is afraid that he "won't be able to get away from" this kid, and said he "doesn't do little kids." I told him that he can set a boundary and tell the kid that he needs some space, but there are social situations where you have to tolerate people you don't like and I can't ask the kid's Mom to pull him out of camp just because he bothers DS. I explained that while he could ask for space, he's going to have to interact with this kid at least some of the time, because they're in camp together. He asked me to call the camp director and ask them to make sure the other kid leaves him alone.

In DS's defense, he has a real problem at school with another AS kid who follows him around constantly. The school has been trying to manage it, but it's been really difficult. I don't think this is the same situation, though - I think it's just a nice kid who may or may not be a bit spectrum-y, but who genuinely is trying to make a connection. I don't have enough information right now to be able to say whether DS was adequately expressing his need to be alone and the kid was misreading that as approval, or if he legitimately made his needs known and is being ignored.

I am at a loss - I need him to go to this camp for multiple reasons - largely that none of the social skills work he's doing in school is worth a darn and improv is a great way to learn them. I also don't want him sitting around the house waiting for his videogame time all summer, like he's been doing for the last two weeks. I'm getting very frustrated with this whole situation and am not really able to calmly figure out what to do. Help!



momsparky
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14 Jul 2014, 10:22 pm

OK, well after all that - and me feeling totally inadequate and simultaneously like a complete jerk and a complete pushover, I sent DS to take a shower and get ready for bed.

After the shower and some time in his room, he came downstairs and said that he would tell the kid that he needed space anytime the kid came up to him, but that if the kid chose him as a partner for a task, he'd let that happen. I thought that was a great solution, and I asked him what he would do if it didn't work. He said "tell somebody?" and I suggested he ask for help from his same-age friends, which he thought might be a good idea.

I'm glad he finally came to a good conclusion, but these fights that take all evening are really taking it out of me. I have no idea how to handle him when he just tells me his expectations and then digs his heels in. I know it's a real issue for him, but he needs to think about it flexibly (which he eventually did, though I was fully expecting the fight to continue into morning.)



Waterfalls
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14 Jul 2014, 10:31 pm

And I couldn't this yet, but though I feel responsible for helping find a solution, my daughter often wants sympathy and then can deal with things better herself.

Glad he found a solution.



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14 Jul 2014, 11:02 pm

It might not be good for anything but humor value, but I could probably give you the Saint Alan answer. I guess we can all use a little humor from time to time??

I guess in normal-speak, it would be "pick your battles." Ask yourself, "Is this important enough to fight over??"

If the answer is "No," then don't fight over it. I guess you might make a few asides to The Kid about the camp he blew off, opportunities lost, whatever, but-- basically, if it's not important enough to fight over, don't fight over it. Things we didn't fight over: My flat refusal to do things like be a candy striper, attend the Govornor's Honors Academy, or join the Morning News Team.

If the answer is "Yes," then, well, you fight over it. He tells you his expectations and digs his heels in...

...and you tell him your expectations and dig your heels in. Things we fought over: I would maintain a GPA at or above 3.0, I would take the honors classes if I qualified for them, I would at least attempt to keep a civil tongue in my head when spouting off about my opinions to adults, I would be going to college straight out of high school whether I wanted to or not.

I suppose, if you wanted to be a kind and considerate parent, you might say something like, "I am open to compromises, but you're going to have to talk to me, not scream demands."

I must note, Saint Alan and I had some EPIC fights. Sometimes they lasted for HOURS. At very high volume, with profanities and ad-hominem attacks and occasionally teenagers climbing out windows and going for very long walks in the woods. Sometimes, they recurred over the space of days, weeks, months, or (in the case of the "direct to college" battle) years.

I don't think either one of us realized that this wasn't within the realm of "normal parent/teenager interactions." We were probably really lucky that we lived in the middle of nowhere. If we'd lived in town, someone probably would have called the cops.

It did, eventually I guess, sort of work. I still haven't learn to resolve disagreements in intimate relationships without either kissing major ass or arguing (perhaps loudly, though I do try to rein in the ad hominems nowadays), but my therapist assures me that most couples do, in fact, argue, fight, and get PO'ed at each other.

Since he came to an acceptable solution on his own, I have to hazard that you probably more or less did the right thing(s). I am inclined to agree with Waterfalls-- I remember, often, especially as a teenager and young adult (heck, for that matter, three hours ago), oftentimes all I really wanted was someone to listen while I had a small and somewhat controlled meltdown. I wanted some sympathy, some empathy, some commiseration, a heartfelt "I-can-see-where-that-would-be-tough," and THEN to come up with actual viable solutions to the problem.

NOT to be told how I SHOULD feel, how I SHOULD react, or how I SHOULD handle it. At least, not before I'd had my feelings and frustration validated by a source outside myself.


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momsparky
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15 Jul 2014, 6:49 am

Thank you. Yes, I can see where he probably was asking for sympathy and I didn't get it: it's hard when a bid for sympathy is dressed up as "if you don't fix it then I'm going to_______________" at the top of his lungs. I'm guessing he didn't even know he wanted sympathy, maybe I'll talk to him about that this morning.

And thanks, Buyer Beware - I guess I was feeling like a bad Mom for getting into a screaming, crying fight (well, from my side, yelling and crying.) I have a lot of really difficult non-DS stuff on my plate, so my emotional resources are thin - and I'm no angel on a good day. I really want to be one of those kinds of Moms who can calmly redirect their kids until they come to a reasonable conclusion - or be calm, anyway - (I can't tell you how many times I explained to him that I wasn't listening if he couldn't lower his voice during this situation: it just doesn't work.) I tried to explain that my role as a Mom was not to fix problems but to help him figure out the solution, and he couldn't see that. At least not until later. It doesn't help that DH is out of town on business for a week - usually we pass the baton when one of us is too upset to handle things, or if we're both mad we try to walk away and calm each other down.

And yes, I feel like this camp is important, even more so than school in some ways - I'd negotiate homeschooling before I would let him out of this camp, because it is teaching things I can't teach, and it's stuff he needs to know (and underneath it all, I got the impression that he was enjoying it and excited about the opportunities, just that this one thing was upsetting and frightening.)



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15 Jul 2014, 7:12 am

EVERYONE wants to be one of those wonderful calm Moms.

I'm pretty sure those wonderful calm Moms are not wonderful calm Moms all the time.

Either that, or they're heavily medicated. Enough benzos/antipsychotics will keep anyone calm all the time...

...if they can stay awake.

Best that can probably truthfully be said is that they save their Mommy Meltdowns for at home, or in the car doing 45 down the highway.

I knew a lady who was a huge believer in faking perfect calm at all times (it was a religious thing-- ultraconservative Christian, women are supposed to be calmly smiling at all times). Watching a woman calmly beat her daughter, calmly telling her that she would burn in Hell forever if she did not immediately repent the sin of wearing a bathing suit was one of the more frightening occurrences of my life.

I think it had more to do with the semblance of perfect calm than the fact that it was over a bathing suit.

I think I'd rather deal with a SANE mother who loses it and yells sometimes than one who appears calm on the outside but actually has fifteen different kinds of crazy on a really, really tight chain. One of these people may snap and drown their kids in the bathtub...

...and it probably isn't the yelling one with the tear-streaked face.


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ASDMommyASDKid
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15 Jul 2014, 7:56 am

MomSparky,

Don't beat yourself up over it. I don't think any parent maintains a calm demeanor all the time. When you get surprised with a new issue, and you have other things going on, especially. It is not always easy.

He calmed down, made a choice of how to handle it, and you'll see how it goes.



YippySkippy
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15 Jul 2014, 10:12 am

DS is both a clinger and a kid who dislikes it when others cling. :?
He never seems to want to cling to the same kid that wants to cling to him.

There's a M*A*S*H joke in there somewhere.



momsparky
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15 Jul 2014, 10:25 am

YippySkippy wrote:
DS is both a clinger and a kid who dislikes it when others cling. :?


Yep, and this pretty much holds true for every disabling part of his AS: he can dish it out, but can't take it.



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15 Jul 2014, 12:51 pm

He'll grow. Perhaps not automatically, on his own, and without guidance and correction, but-- he'll grow.

Adolescents in general are pretty good at dishing it out and pretty bad at taking it (at least, if the ongoing raging battle between my nocturnal twelve-year-old and my big-sister-worshipping, early-rising 7-year-old over who watched which Naruto DVD without the other one is any indicator). Like everything else, it's just worse with ASD kids. We get more bent out of shape over it, and there's more dish out and less take. I guess it's a ToM fail...

...and ToM is somewhat lacking in ALL adolescents (and a lot of adults, too).

Keep working on it-- Dish it out/take it is something that people MY AGE are still developing (or failing to). Do you have any clue how often my husband and I end up getting mad at each other for getting mad at each other over things that we get mad over the other one getting mad about??

Dunno if it ever gets perfect, but it is something that improves with time and maturity.

Sort of like a hairy Lebanese guy trying to get out of the Army by pretending to be a cross-dresser...


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"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"