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NT planning on marrying AS

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terry136
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21 Jul 2014, 12:01 pm

I'm a bisexual male diagnosed as being bipolar and have a long term relationship with a bisexual male aspie who was diagnosed a few months ago. We are planning on getting married as soon as it's legal in our state. I'm aware of a lot of his symptoms (for lack of a better word) like not being social. sensory overload, not liking to discuss personal things such as our relationship, sex life, easily frustrated, etc. and I respect his need to "go hide" as he puts it. My question is, is there any way to get him to open up a bit more so we can discuss each of our needs, frustrations, feelings, etc so we'll be in a better position to understand the differences each one of us has to face? I feel like better communication and more openness between us would be a big benefit to both and allow us to work together rather than working against each other. Is this possible, or am I being unrealistic?



Adamantium
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21 Jul 2014, 1:58 pm

terry136 wrote:
I'm a bisexual male diagnosed as being bipolar and have a long term relationship with a bisexual male aspie who was diagnosed a few months ago. We are planning on getting married as soon as it's legal in our state. I'm aware of a lot of his symptoms (for lack of a better word) like not being social. sensory overload, not liking to discuss personal things such as our relationship, sex life, easily frustrated, etc. and I respect his need to "go hide" as he puts it. My question is, is there any way to get him to open up a bit more so we can discuss each of our needs, frustrations, feelings, etc so we'll be in a better position to understand the differences each one of us has to face? I feel like better communication and more openness between us would be a big benefit to both and allow us to work together rather than working against each other. Is this possible, or am I being unrealistic?


You should marry the real person who exists, if you want what they are today. You should not marry the imaginary person you hope this person can become if only the parts you don't like change. Expecting the person to change after you are married is a recipe for unhappiness. If you need more intimacy, the odds are that you be bitter and frustrated sometime in the future when things don't change. If you are working against each other and you are not satisfied, I think you are being unrealistic in thinking things will improve.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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21 Jul 2014, 2:55 pm

terry136 wrote:
. . . a long term relationship with a bisexual male aspie who was diagnosed a few months ago. . .
That's huge. He was only diagnosed a few months ago? Wow.

Myself. I'm 51 years old, I'm comfortably self-diagnosed, and so I've had a lot of time to get used to the idea. For your lover, a lot of this may be really new.

You may be underestimating by an order of magnitude how much alone time he needs, just like I underestimate with a former girlfriend how much she had struggled with depression. Later on deciding, Oh! . . .this is what it's like, although just a pale shadow.

Kind of like introverts need time alone to recharge. View that as being on steroids.

Now, one positive thing you can do is to lightly explore just ways of hanging out and being together without the demands of conversation.



VAGraduateStudent
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22 Jul 2014, 12:29 pm

I've been in a 20 year relationship with my aspie husband and I'm NT. I agree with the previous poster who said you should ask yourself if you are really happy with the man your future spouse currently is. Yes, aspies can learn to be more considerate and understand NTs more with age, but we're talking about small changes here, not big ones. We all become a little more considerate and understanding with age. I recommend you read a few books from an aspie point of view and just think about it all for a little while. And remember that we as NTs are not always a prize to live with either. ;)

I recommend: Look Me in the Eye by John Elder Robison, Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammet, and anything by Temple Grandin. The Tammet book has the benefit of discussing what it's like to be on the LGBTQ spectrum as well as the autism spectrum.