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SteelMaiden
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21 Jul 2014, 8:44 pm

I have a few internet friends who I text or email sometimes.

They seem to be fixated on having to meet up in real life.

I don't understand why they can't just carry on with just texting or emailing.

They make it out that meeting is mandatory.

I don't want to meet up, I don't like face-to-face socialising.

Can anyone advise me on how to tell them to back off without losing their supportive friendship?


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cathylynn
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21 Jul 2014, 8:51 pm

just say you appreciate their friendship and are more comfortable communicating electronically than IRL. ask for their understanding.



SteelMaiden
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21 Jul 2014, 8:55 pm

Ok. I'll try that.


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Skilpadde
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21 Jul 2014, 9:01 pm

I don't have any advice for you, but I feel the same way you do, and I have had the same problem with several of my pen-pals and online friends and acquaintances.
And if they didn't suggest meeting up, then they wanted to Skype or other form of video chat, which is equally out of the question. Not gonna happen ever.

I don't get why some are so hung up on real life get togethers either. I'm only interested in texting them.

I just say so clearly the moment something like that comes up, and anyone who won't respect that ain't worth the candle.
What I hate though is that some just won't let it go and will keep trying. I HATE (hate hate hate hate hate!! !) it when people don't take no for an answer. Pushiness is the one quality I hate as much as condescension.
I don't give a hoot if they want it. They can do that with other friends/acquaintances. I'm never meeting up or Skyping with anyone.


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KingdomOfRats
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21 Jul 2014, 9:03 pm

do they know about the severe aspergers and asociality?


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Adamantium
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21 Jul 2014, 9:07 pm

SteelMaiden wrote:
They make it out that meeting is mandatory


I don't like the sound of this at all. Sounds coercive and unfriendly. My intuition (or is it paranoia?) is waving red flags and ringing warning bells.

Just say no. If they are actual friends they will be happy with online/texts.



kraftiekortie
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21 Jul 2014, 9:09 pm

I can understand how you feel. And I respect how you feel.

Those people want to meet you because they want to see "a human face," to match what is written by the one with the "human face."

I would just tell them, nicely, that (nothing personal) you don't to meet them in person. If they are offended, they are offended. You have to be upfront with people, rather than do something you don't want to do.



SteelMaiden
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21 Jul 2014, 9:16 pm

They know about my severe Asperger's but not my asociality. I'm going to be blunt with them and say no meeting up. Texting is hard enough (I usually leave long delays between them sending me a text and me replying because frequent texting stresses me out), and emailing can be painful.

They're good for support and advice but I don't want it to turn into an overly social thing.

My dad keeps trying to coerce me into going to social clubs *shudder*.


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Transyl
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21 Jul 2014, 9:34 pm

I talked to a girl online for over a year who lived thirty minutes away. Never met her despite thinking the world of her. The only good thing that could have from meeting her is to see her smile, laugh, get a hug. That's really it. Because I'm not good at social interaction. It does not feel like the real me is being seen. Often I'm not seen at all. If anything they would think less of me after meeting me in real life.

I've had people mention it before. Meeting in person. Not pressuring so much as bringing up the idea. I always tell them I don't talk good. Sure there's a part of me that wishes things were different. But it's how I am. I don't want to see someone's eyes only to notice them filled with disappointment.



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21 Jul 2014, 9:56 pm

SteelMaiden wrote:
They know about my severe Asperger's but not my asociality. I'm going to be blunt with them and say no meeting up. Texting is hard enough (I usually leave long delays between them sending me a text and me replying because frequent texting stresses me out), and emailing can be painful.

They're good for support and advice but I don't want it to turn into an overly social thing.

My dad keeps trying to coerce me into going to social clubs *shudder*.


Most of my friends now are neurotypical goths and nerds and most of them do not know that I have autism. I also play with a few of them online, some of which I haven't met in person. Apparently, according to my friends, if I had a Facebook, I would know what they look like, but I don't wanna get a Facebook because that's how job employers stalk you. I might get to meet one of them in August!

To meet them, it's to fully understand the person fully.


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rapidroy
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21 Jul 2014, 11:40 pm

Maybe I'm the odd one out here however I like to meet people every once in a while and put faces and voices to the usernames, also there are some activities that can only be completed offline. I am always in fear of only having internet contact because if the internet goes down or the message service your using gets infected with some nasty virus I could permanently lose friends, scary stuff when I have very little as it is!

These people are trying to include you and be friendly to you and that is not a bad thing at all, sometimes we just have to suck it up and play nice every now and then. Now I think its fine to set rules and limits, perhaps they come over to your place rather then meet at a coffee shop or some other awful place, make it clear what types of events/venues you feel prefer to visit and where you outright refuse to go. Request to be picked up and dropped off if meeting at someone else's place. Think about if given the choice between attending a group of strangers or spending time with the friends you have what would you rather do.



Last edited by rapidroy on 22 Jul 2014, 10:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

WhatHazard
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22 Jul 2014, 12:33 am

Yeah I get this, I don't really want to meet anyone either I just want to talk to people online, I like having long term online friends but most people don't understand it, I also don't like Skype.



tarantella64
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22 Jul 2014, 1:00 am

to the OP: you can explain the situation, but don't be too surprised if some of them cool towards you. For a lot of people it's quite important. I like it because for me, it's simply much more fun, and you get a much richer sense of the person. You can also actually do things together - go for a walk, see a movie, have dinner, enjoy something together. Many people don't see the point of talking endlessly online.



ASPartOfMe
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22 Jul 2014, 4:07 am

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to meet people face to face. It is purely a moral judgement based on the needs and priorities of the large majority.


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em_tsuj
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22 Jul 2014, 5:21 am

tarantella64 wrote:
to the OP: you can explain the situation, but don't be too surprised if some of them cool towards you.


I concur. You can say that you don't want to meet up, but they might not like it. There is no guarantee that they will react the way you want them to react. If they react negatively, try not to take it personally. It just means that they wanted something different out of the relationship than you were willing to give. This is sometimes part of life, an unfortunate part of life.