My Aspiness has ruined my relationship

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Jenna403
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25 Jul 2014, 9:59 pm

tarantella64 wrote:
Is there a reason why his mom's not staying with his brother? I mean that sounds like it's solve all kinds of problems.

Maybe your fiance doesn't realize that you're not expecting *him* to live in a different way (except insofar as having family as long-term guests goes). He can make all the promises to them he wants, and be involved with them however he wants -- you're just not going to be by his side when he does it. That's his family, not yours.

He may believe that you're supposed to be there attached to his hip through this because you're family now too. And that's really going to be the major thing he'll need to get used to. How's he going to deal with that, understand it? Good question, and that's one of the things therapists exist for.

In a way, he's going to have to come to grips with the notion that he's kinda been going about this selfishly: he has an idea of how family goes, it's his idea, and he expect you to live in it. And he's freaked out that you won't. If he wants to be happy with you, he's going to have to understand that there's more than one way to do family. He can be with his in the way he understands -- but he can't make you do it, too.


She's not staying with his brother because they don't have the room and they are getting ready for the wedding so I guess she doesn't want to be a burden. After my meltdown, she did decide to drive up there and stay with them for the week to give us a break. She left yesterday and won't be back until next Saturday. Her leaving is both helpful and not. It gives me some time to decompress but at the same time, I get used to things getting back to normal only to have her return and have to readjust again.

It's true that my fiancé doesn't know how to have a family any other way. They have been this smothering his entire life. He is totally used to his brother harassing him via text everyday. They get along 60% of the time but the rest of the time he is just being a bully. He tries to do it to both of us a lot of the time but I always put him in his place so that's why he doesn't really like me. If it were my brother who was acting like that, I would probably have cut ties or at least set some clear boundaries. He isn't like that. He admits that he is spineless when it comes to them.



tarantella64
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25 Jul 2014, 10:21 pm

okay. Well, in that case, I'd say ease off the pressure, because he's already told you he doesn't feel equipped to do anything. Instead look at practical things. His mom's coming back in a week, and leaving in August? Either deal through that time, or rent her a little apartment nearby, but not too nearby. And don't go explaining out the wazoo about AS. Just say, "Claire (or whatever her name is) I know it's been a tough time for you, and we do love having you here with the kids, but I'm someone who just needs her space. So we've rented you this darling apartment for the rest of your stay, and you'll have your privacy and time to rest, and maybe we can get off on a better footing again. And we'll make sure we'll get together plenty over the next few weeks. But I do need my space. All right?"

And stop looking to your fiance to protect you. You're a big girl, you do it. If he wants to have them over, talk about how long they'll stay, and if they overstay their welcome you can either put them out yourself (not joking) or take the kids and go. And if they won't get out of your hair? Move. Far away.



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26 Jul 2014, 2:48 am

You marry your spouse not his family.

You did as much as you could, and ran into problems with the ASD. It sounds about how it would have been for me in that situation. Either your spouse must now understand and accept your limitations, or it may be better to delay wedding until he does.



Jenna403
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26 Jul 2014, 3:17 pm

Toy_Soldier wrote:
You marry your spouse not his family.

You did as much as you could, and ran into problems with the ASD. It sounds about how it would have been for me in that situation. Either your spouse must now understand and accept your limitations, or it may be better to delay wedding until he does.


My plan right now is to just try to make it through until she leaves at the end of August. It won't be easy and I know I will probably have a meltdown or two. But what choice do I have? She has no where else to go and putting her in a hotel or apartment just isn't feasible. Where we live, apartments go for about $1500 a month and short term rentals do not exist. If I could go back in time would I tell her she couldn't stay here? Absolutely. At least we know for next time though.



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26 Jul 2014, 9:13 pm

Jenna403 wrote:
Toy_Soldier wrote:
You marry your spouse not his family.

You did as much as you could, and ran into problems with the ASD. It sounds about how it would have been for me in that situation. Either your spouse must now understand and accept your limitations, or it may be better to delay wedding until he does.


My plan right now is to just try to make it through until she leaves at the end of August. It won't be easy and I know I will probably have a meltdown or two. But what choice do I have? She has no where else to go and putting her in a hotel or apartment just isn't feasible. Where we live, apartments go for about $1500 a month and short term rentals do not exist. If I could go back in time would I tell her she couldn't stay here? Absolutely. At least we know for next time though.


Yeah, sometimes its just a matter of getting thru some rough period. Just accept this is going to really suck, but at some point it ends. Several stages in the military were like that, but there at least we were volunteers and knew times like that were to be expected.

It sounds like your fiancé has an understanding/acceptance of you personally and the autistic side but did not understand there is more to it then that. We aren't otherwise normal socially, like with family, friends, the whole world... The autistic element affects our interactions at all levels. And it can not be dropped or gotten over. There are things we can do to compromise and try and meet people half way, and we should, but those things have to be worked out one at a time, and with patience.



Jenna403
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27 Jul 2014, 5:53 pm

Toy_Soldier wrote:
Jenna403 wrote:
Toy_Soldier wrote:
You marry your spouse not his family.

You did as much as you could, and ran into problems with the ASD. It sounds about how it would have been for me in that situation. Either your spouse must now understand and accept your limitations, or it may be better to delay wedding until he does.


My plan right now is to just try to make it through until she leaves at the end of August. It won't be easy and I know I will probably have a meltdown or two. But what choice do I have? She has no where else to go and putting her in a hotel or apartment just isn't feasible. Where we live, apartments go for about $1500 a month and short term rentals do not exist. If I could go back in time would I tell her she couldn't stay here? Absolutely. At least we know for next time though.


Yeah, sometimes its just a matter of getting thru some rough period. Just accept this is going to really suck, but at some point it ends. Several stages in the military were like that, but there at least we were volunteers and knew times like that were to be expected.

It sounds like your fiancé has an understanding/acceptance of you personally and the autistic side but did not understand there is more to it then that. We aren't otherwise normal socially, like with family, friends, the whole world... The autistic element affects our interactions at all levels. And it can not be dropped or gotten over. There are things we can do to compromise and try and meet people half way, and we should, but those things have to be worked out one at a time, and with patience.


Well, trying to wait it out lasted less than a day. My fiancé got in a fight with his brother today about how his family blames me for everything. His brother got their mom involved and then they both ganged up on him. Upon overhearing how little they think of me I became even more upset. I've opened up my home for months at a time and turned my life upside down for them and that is the gratitude I get? I told my fiancé that enough is enough and that he should ask his mom to find somewhere else to stay while we try to fix our relationship. Well he did and what a disaster that turned out to be. His mom has been crying since, his brother has been texting furiously and laying on the guilt about making their mom upset. He told then that they have been overstepping their bounds in our lives and that they need to back off a bit. That was apparently not a good thing to say because now they hate me even more. They said that I've changed him and that I have too many issues.

I thought that after he set some boundaries that we could sit down and talk once he set some boundaries with his family but that's not what happened. As soon as he realized that his family was "mad" at him, he devoted all of his attention to fixing his relationship with them. He is completely stressed out that his relationship with them is now strained. During our i tire "conversation" he was constantly texting with them. They see no fault in themselves and every fault in me.

My fiancé wants us all to be one big happy family but I cannot deal with their drama. I wish I could put up with it for the sake of our kids but I just can't. The constant bullying and steamrolling of our lives is too much but they will not stop it no matter how nicely we ask them too.

I've told him that I am removing myself from the relationship. I love him amd would go through hell for him but I literally feel like that's what I've been doing. I can't do it anymore, especially not for the rest of my life.

If I'm honest, I'm 90% devastated by the loss of our happy little family but I'm 10% so happy that I won't have to put up with his families BS anymore.



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27 Jul 2014, 7:00 pm

For what it's worth, I think even an NT would be done with all the mind games. Please don't blame yourself for your fiancé's family's dysfunction.

In my opinion, they were beyond rude and taking advantage of your fiancé and you; and then, to continue the ruse, they're blaming you for their screwed up family dynamic. It seems like they didn't have respect for your fiancé from the start. They're used to trampling him in the dirt, and they saw you as potentially risking their system, so they went on the offense.

Please don't feel like this is you. You seem like a great lady, OP. I'm sure your kids love you and if you're meant to be with your fiancé, you'll figure something out.

I wish you nothing but the best, OP! :D



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27 Jul 2014, 10:19 pm

Really I don't blame you one bit. As someone said, that was too much to have to deal with NT or AS. Is the house or apartment yours or his? Your fiancé is in a pickle, but I know with absolute surety that when it comes to spouse or family, it isn't even anything to think about. Spouse is numero uno always.



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27 Jul 2014, 10:21 pm

1. Please ask your fiance to turn off his phone for three days so he can have some peace in his head and think about who he is and what he wants.

2. What you're describing is a classic "enmeshed" family. Yes, they think you're the devil because you've shown your fiancé that there's another way to be, and you're totally disrupting their lives. Because if he doesn't put up with their s**t, who's going to stop putting up with it next, and then how will they get people to do things for them, and who will they be if they don't exist simply to roll around in that family nutsiness?

3. Understand that this is the kind of thing people go through a decade of therapy to get their heads cleared of. Your fiance isn't going to figure it out overnight, but I really would suggest that if you guys do patch things up, you don't live anywhere near his family.

(Oh. And please don't accept any blame for "making him choose" between you and his family. You're deciding for you and your kids, who need a sane mom; he has his own choices to make for himself.)



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28 Jul 2014, 2:14 am

OP, if you've been otherwise happy, I wouldn't break up over this.

Mother-in-law is at the end of a long marriage and living far away from her social support structures. She is NOT going to be able to think of other people in a way that she should.

Brother-in-law is having a wedding. Super-stressful. His parents are breaking up. I don't care if you are an adult, that's a massive stressor. He's not going to be able to think of other people in the way that he should.

Fiance's parents are breaking up. His brother is having a wedding. Two small children. Emotionally distressed mother in the house and you who are having your own issue and as someone on the spectrum less able to provide emotional support than someone else might be.

They are probably also scapegoating you to some extent. They are probably enmeshed as another poster suggested. But they probably also feel that you're not being sufficiently empathetic and supportive of their needs. They probably think that you're adding to the drama at a difficult time. And you have to face up to the fact that to some extent they are right. This is a fact of your condition.

Some of your preferences they are just going to have to lump. You don't like staying at other people's houses. Unless it's an emergency (funeral, etc) - don't. Don't go to all the pre-wedding festivities. You are perfectly entitled to not be a bride's maid. They are perfectly entitled to not like it. In a wedding there is so much to think about that every wrinkle seems like a major inconvenience that will 'ruin' the wedding. The truth is that it won't.



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28 Jul 2014, 5:21 am

Oh...and to add... bailing on the childcare promise was just completely crap. It's so hard to arrange good childcare.



Jenna403
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28 Jul 2014, 9:10 am

elkclan wrote:
OP, if you've been otherwise happy, I wouldn't break up over this.

Mother-in-law is at the end of a long marriage and living far away from her social support structures. She is NOT going to be able to think of other people in a way that she should.

Brother-in-law is having a wedding. Super-stressful. His parents are breaking up. I don't care if you are an adult, that's a massive stressor. He's not going to be able to think of other people in the way that he should.

Fiance's parents are breaking up. His brother is having a wedding. Two small children. Emotionally distressed mother in the house and you who are having your own issue and as someone on the spectrum less able to provide emotional support than someone else might be.

They are probably also scapegoating you to some extent. They are probably enmeshed as another poster suggested. But they probably also feel that you're not being sufficiently empathetic and supportive of their needs. They probably think that you're adding to the drama at a difficult time. And you have to face up to the fact that to some extent they are right. This is a fact of your condition.

Some of your preferences they are just going to have to lump. You don't like staying at other people's houses. Unless it's an emergency (funeral, etc) - don't. Don't go to all the pre-wedding festivities. You are perfectly entitled to not be a bride's maid. They are perfectly entitled to not like it. In a wedding there is so much to think about that every wrinkle seems like a major inconvenience that will 'ruin' the wedding. The truth is that it won't.


Neither of us want to break up. A week ago we were incredibly happy and planning our own wedding. But now to be honest, I don't want to marry him. Well, I want to marry him, just not his mom and brother but that's not how it works in his family. True, they live far away, but they are so emotionally close. My fiance has just as much contact with them everyday as he does with me. They call multiple times a day and when they aren't talking on the phone, they are texting like teenage girls. They know what we are doing at any given point of the day. They are also sure to give their opinion on everything as well. if we tell them we are at an electronics store. They start say stuff like " why? what do you beed from there?" or "you can't afford anything", even " dont you dare buy anything." That was just an example but its like that in every aspect of our lives. It's all too much for me. I grew up very in dependant and I am not used to a bunch of people having so much influence on my life.

I admit I probably did a lousy job appearing sympathetic to their needs. Even though I was trying. I feel like I really take on other people's problems internally even though I don't show concern on the outside. I have felt very concerned about my mother in laws relationship problems. My fiancé says that I've done a really good job putting up with them but that doesn't make me feel any better. They've made me out to be the villain and honestly, it hurts. It's so clear to us that my mother in law doesn't want anything to do with be or my eldest daughter. My poor daughter also picks up on the hostility. She used to call her "nanny" but now she calls her "Jeff's mom". I don't blame her. My mother in law showers the youngest daughter with affection but barely speaks to the other unless it is to yell at her for something.

I did not know that I was signing up for this by wanting to have a life with him. I know my limitations and this is all way beyond them.



Jenna403
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28 Jul 2014, 9:43 am

elkclan wrote:
OP, if you've been otherwise happy, I wouldn't break up over this.

Mother-in-law is at the end of a long marriage and living far away from her social support structures. She is NOT going to be able to think of other people in a way that she should.

Brother-in-law is having a wedding. Super-stressful. His parents are breaking up. I don't care if you are an adult, that's a massive stressor. He's not going to be able to think of other people in the way that he should.

Fiance's parents are breaking up. His brother is having a wedding. Two small children. Emotionally distressed mother in the house and you who are having your own issue and as someone on the spectrum less able to provide emotional support than someone else might be.

They are probably also scapegoating you to some extent. They are probably enmeshed as another poster suggested. But they probably also feel that you're not being sufficiently empathetic and supportive of their needs. They probably think that you're adding to the drama at a difficult time. And you have to face up to the fact that to some extent they are right. This is a fact of your condition.

Some of your preferences they are just going to have to lump. You don't like staying at other people's houses. Unless it's an emergency (funeral, etc) - don't. Don't go to all the pre-wedding festivities. You are perfectly entitled to not be a bride's maid. They are perfectly entitled to not like it. In a wedding there is so much to think about that every wrinkle seems like a major inconvenience that will 'ruin' the wedding. The truth is that it won't.


Neither of us want to break up. A week ago we were incredibly happy and planning our own wedding. But now to be honest, I don't want to marry him. Well, I want to marry him, just not his mom and brother but that's not how it works in his family. True, they live far away, but they are so emotionally close. My fiance has just as much contact with them everyday as he does with me. They call multiple times a day and when they aren't talking on the phone, they are texting like teenage girls. They know what we are doing at any given point of the day. They are also sure to give their opinion on everything as well. if we tell them we are at an electronics store. They start say stuff like " why? what do you beed from there?" or "you can't afford anything", even " dont you dare buy anything." That was just an example but its like that in every aspect of our lives. It's all too much for me. I grew up very in dependant and I am not used to a bunch of people having so much influence on my life.

I admit I probably did a lousy job appearing sympathetic to their needs. Even though I was trying. I feel like I really take on other people's problems internally even though I don't show concern on the outside. I have felt very concerned about my mother in laws relationship problems. My fiancé says that I've done a really good job putting up with them but that doesn't make me feel any better. They've made me out to be the villain and honestly, it hurts. It's so clear to us that my mother in law doesn't want anything to do with be or my eldest daughter. My poor daughter also picks up on the hostility. She used to call her "nanny" but now she calls her "Jeff's mom". I don't blame her. My mother in law showers the youngest daughter with affection but barely speaks to the other unless it is to yell at her for something.

I did not know that I was signing up for this by wanting to have a life with him. I know my limitations and this is all way beyond them.



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28 Jul 2014, 9:49 am

Oh! You've just hit on one of my massive short fuse areas - people visibly treating children from mixed relationships differently. No need for that. And it's damaging to both children. That has to stop.

I don't have a problem with her feeling on the inside that she loves her blood grandchild more - but there's no need to be obvious about it. It's enormously disrespectful to you. Annoying as it may be, it's probably a good thing that she bailed on the childcare (no excuse for not providing notice though!). I can totally understand why an older person might not want to care for two small children, but there is NO EXCUSE for letting someone down in their childcare arrangements.

OK, the high drama stuff is something that will ease over time and you may feel less annoyed by their behaviour when the stress isn't so high on everyone. But I agree that kind of intrusive, constantly in-touch behaviour is really annoying - and I'm not sure I could live with it.

The everyday behaviour stuff is not going to get solved right now when everyone has so much going on. But I think there are some serious ongoing issues that need to get resolved. I think it might be worth couples therapy. This doesn't sound unresolvable if you were otherwise happy.



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28 Jul 2014, 11:53 am

Wait, she does what to your daughter?

No, just no. Just, just no. No, do not have this woman in your house or in your life.

It's possible things can be salvaged, but you really do need to set some boundaries, and if he can't tolerate that then this is really his problem, not something you've created. He's essentially invited you to come share his life as a doormat.

For now, you can certainly tell him that you are not interested in the thoughts of his brother and mother. That you don't like either of them and are all done being treated badly by them, and are not interested in any further relationship with them. Again, he can do as he pleases, but you're not going along for the ride.

Frankly, given what he's put up with from them, I'm really not convinced that couples therapy would do anything but start more fights. I'd just let him know where you stand, clear his family from your living space and your mind, and let him figure out how to handle what's really his own conflict. He can go to therapists himself if he likes. And if his mom treats your daughter that way, do not allow her to be in a room with your daughter. If your guy chooses to be insulted by that, again, that's his business, but you have to protect your girl.

Man. Yeah, sorry, that makes me angry too.