My Aspiness has ruined my relationship

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tarantella64
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24 Jul 2014, 9:34 pm

There are ways around, btw, but the family-family spouse has to be willing to tolerate them. For instance, my dad stopped going with us to my grandparents' -- and to all my mom's family -- when I was pretty young. Just refused. He'd drive us there, turn around, go home, and pick us up a week later. My grandma especially was slicing about it, but everyone else pretty much shrugged. I didn't care that he wasn't there, neither did my brother, and frankly my grandparents didn't much care for him, so while they were all PO'd about the look of it, probably they were happier not having him there. He was quite civil when they came to us, but he was in his own space, living by his own rules (they were quite religious), and they only ever stayed the day.



Jenna403
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24 Jul 2014, 10:12 pm

Well I tried talking to my fiancé. I explained to him that having his mom here 24/7 is stressing me out and is made worse by the way she is acting. He got mad and said "stop talking bad about my mom." I feel like our relationship and kids will always come second to his mom and twin brother. I feel that it isn't fair to me. We are supposed to be our win family now. I feel like I have no choice but to ask him and his mom to leave. I feel lost.



tarantella64
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24 Jul 2014, 10:15 pm

Is it your house and your children, and he came along later? Or are the house and kids yours together?



tarantella64
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24 Jul 2014, 10:16 pm

(Or you could bring him on here.)



Jenna403
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24 Jul 2014, 10:20 pm

tarantella64 wrote:
Is it your house and your children, and he came along later? Or are the house and kids yours together?


My eldest daughter is from a previous relationship and the house is a rental but I had it before he came along. We have a 1 year old together.



aspiemike
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24 Jul 2014, 10:38 pm

Why does it have to be so peachy keen for him and you're not supposed to tell him when youre unhappy? Sounds like he has no idea what its like to give you any reassurance when you really need it. He needs to reassure you and make you feel secure. I would think the stress you feel would disappear a bit. Would it be too late for the both of you to set a side a day to talk and do something fun for the both of you each week? If this relationship can be saved, it might not hurt to make time for just the two of you


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Jenna403
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24 Jul 2014, 10:45 pm

aspiemike wrote:
Why does it have to be so peachy keen for him and you're not supposed to tell him when youre unhappy? Sounds like he has no idea what its like to give you any reassurance when you really need it. He needs to reassure you and make you feel secure. I would think the stress you feel would disappear a bit. Would it be too late for the both of you to set a side a day to talk and do something fun for the both of you each week? If this relationship can be saved, it might not hurt to make time for just the two of you


I don't know if it can be saved at this point. He clearly sees how much this situation is affecting me. I can't sleep, I cry constantly, my hands shake because of stress, I'm short tempered with the kids, not to mention I have outright told him many times how upset I am, but he still won't do anything about it. I need him to stand up for me and tell his family to back off but he won't. I feel like I am alone against him and his family.



tarantella64
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24 Jul 2014, 10:59 pm

Well - if it's that bad, then what you need to do is take care of yourself and your kids first. Set a date and find another place, and on the appointed date either you and the kids or he and his mom will move out. But if I were you I'd bring him on here first, because there are some things he needs to hear that he's refusing to hear from you. And if he values his own family, the one he's made with you, he'll listen.

Basically, though, he's scared of his mom and his brother, and scared that if he does what you're telling him to do, they'll cut him out. His family has no mechanism for doing the things that you want him to do. By doing them, he will be telling them, "I'm not part of this family." And he just doesn't have the faintest idea how to negotiate this except to snap at you and tell you to stop making problems.

You are not making problems, though. You are doing what you need to do, and you have been incredibly patient. This is his family dysfunction, and either he can deal with it or he's going to lose a family life he appears to value. He doesn't have to decide actively, of course; he can just stay frozen and let you decide to take care of yourself in your own way.



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25 Jul 2014, 1:32 pm

Well, I just thought if post an update. I talked to my fiancé and we've come to an agreement. He has told his mother that after she's leaves to go back home in August, she cannot stay at our house again if she decides to move out here eventually.

His twin brother is a lot more difficult to deal with. He is quite a bully and lays on the guilt if doesnt get his way. On several occasions, he has demanded that we drop everything (including our jobs) to drive to their city 3 hours away to "be involved with his wedding" (which is in a backyard with hardly any guests BTW). Last time we drove up, I had to call in sick to a new job to go up there. Did I want to lose hours? No. We can't afford it.

My fiancé tries in vain to explain how difficult it is for us to just leave and go stay with them for days at a time for several reasons. First, , We have 2 small children who both cry the whole drive there and back (which makes me very irritable). Second, we cannot afford it. Although we stay with them for free, we still have to pay for gas, take time off work, pay for dinners out, and activities for the kids while we are there. Third, I am not comfortable in someone else's house. I cannot sleep and I don't get enough alone time. plus, the social interaction is just too much and there is no where for me to go if I feel I need to get away. Last time we went up because we had to do lots of "wedding stuff" like get a bridesmaid dress for me. Well guess what? We went all the way up there but the bride was not at all interested in looking at dresses. She told me that she was just going to do it with her friends later that week (after we went home). I was annoyed then but it got worse. We were 3/4 of the way home after driving 3 hours, when we got a text telling me to go to the bridal salon here to try to find the dress that she had picked with her friends earlier that day. Turns out they didnt have my size and there was not time to order it in. They told me that I had to find a way to fit in the dress
or me and my fiancé were both out of their wedding. Completely ridiculous.

To my fiances twin, all of our excuses to not go see them are not valid. He will literally text and call my fiancé all day making him feel bad for not being a good brother. My fiancé gives in 90% of the time. We have come to the agreement that he will have a serious discussion with his brother to let him know that his behaviour is not acceptable. My fiancé promised me that we will not go to visit them again until the kids are a bit older and we can afford to stay in a hotel. We both know that his brother isn't going to be happy but my fiancé insists that this time it won't be up for debate with him. He either accepts our conditions or we don't see him at all.

I am only going to give this a month or two, and if things don't change, I will leave. I'm tired of coming third in our relationship after his mom and brother.



tarantella64
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25 Jul 2014, 2:41 pm

Okay, that sort of behavior sounds completely ridiculous. Yes, I know it goes on, but honestly these people don't sound too bright.

My mom also used to be completely unreasonable with demands about coming to visit her, and neither understood nor cared that I'm a single mom who doesn't have that kind of freedom. So I told her politely that she was being unreasonable and that when she was ready to talk reasonably to me she could, but in the meantime I was done with these conversations, goodbye.

Life improved immediately. For all I know she was in a huge huff for three years, but if so it didn't bother me, because it happened very far away.

Since your fiance is too scared to deal, here, you're going to have to stand up and handle this yourself. The next time, and every other time, your brother-in-law demands you guys turn up, do this, do that, do the other thing that interferes with your life, say, "The kids and I will sit this one out, hon. You go ahead if you want." And then don't go.

That's really all there is to it. Definitely go to the wedding and big holiday things. But otherwise? You don't wanna? You don't hafta. They can sit around and take it however they want, that's really up to them. Doesn't affect you. If it affects your fiance, it's because he allows it to. Because he's free to say to his bro, "Bro, that's just how it is. She doesn't hate you, but I'm not going to bother explaining, because your ears aren't open and I just don't want to anyway. I'd appreciate if you'd just deal. It's really no skin off your nose that she's not here. Now let's go have a good time."



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25 Jul 2014, 4:16 pm

tarantella64 wrote:
Okay, that sort of behavior sounds completely ridiculous. Yes, I know it goes on, but honestly these people don't sound too bright.

My mom also used to be completely unreasonable with demands about coming to visit her, and neither understood nor cared that I'm a single mom who doesn't have that kind of freedom. So I told her politely that she was being unreasonable and that when she was ready to talk reasonably to me she could, but in the meantime I was done with these conversations, goodbye.

Life improved immediately. For all I know she was in a huge huff for three years, but if so it didn't bother me, because it happened very far away.

Since your fiance is too scared to deal, here, you're going to have to stand up and handle this yourself. The next time, and every other time, your brother-in-law demands you guys turn up, do this, do that, do the other thing that interferes with your life, say, "The kids and I will sit this one out, hon. You go ahead if you want." And then don't go.

That's really all there is to it. Definitely go to the wedding and big holiday things. But otherwise? You don't wanna? You don't hafta. They can sit around and take it however they want, that's really up to them. Doesn't affect you. If it affects your fiance, it's because he allows it to. Because he's free to say to his bro, "Bro, that's just how it is. She doesn't hate you, but I'm not going to bother explaining, because your ears aren't open and I just don't want to anyway. I'd appreciate if you'd just deal. It's really no skin off your nose that she's not here. Now let's go have a good time."

Perfect analysis.


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Jenna403
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25 Jul 2014, 4:46 pm

tarantella64 wrote:
Okay, that sort of behavior sounds completely ridiculous. Yes, I know it goes on, but honestly these people don't sound too bright.

My mom also used to be completely unreasonable with demands about coming to visit her, and neither understood nor cared that I'm a single mom who doesn't have that kind of freedom. So I told her politely that she was being unreasonable and that when she was ready to talk reasonably to me she could, but in the meantime I was done with these conversations, goodbye.

Life improved immediately. For all I know she was in a huge huff for three years, but if so it didn't bother me, because it happened very far away.

Since your fiance is too scared to deal, here, you're going to have to stand up and handle this yourself. The next time, and every other time, your brother-in-law demands you guys turn up, do this, do that, do the other thing that interferes with your life, say, "The kids and I will sit this one out, hon. You go ahead if you want." And then don't go.

That's really all there is to it. Definitely go to the wedding and big holiday things. But otherwise? You don't wanna? You don't hafta. They can sit around and take it however they want, that's really up to them. Doesn't affect you. If it affects your fiance, it's because he allows it to. Because he's free to say to his bro, "Bro, that's just how it is. She doesn't hate you, but I'm not going to bother explaining, because your ears aren't open and I just don't want to anyway. I'd appreciate if you'd just deal. It's really no skin off your nose that she's not here. Now let's go have a good time."


That's a really good idea. I've honestly been so caught up with trying to please everyone it never really occurred to me to just take myself out of the equation. I've been forcing myself into all the social family situations even though its been killing me, when instead I should be just saying "no, I can't." I will go to the wedding but that is the extent of my involvement. If I need to leave early because I can't handle the drama, then I will. I'm beyond caring what these people think of me. If they don't like the way I am, then fine. I'm doing the best I can and if that isn't good enough, that's their problem not mine.



aspiemike
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25 Jul 2014, 5:14 pm

Jenna403 wrote:
tarantella64 wrote:
Okay, that sort of behavior sounds completely ridiculous. Yes, I know it goes on, but honestly these people don't sound too bright.

My mom also used to be completely unreasonable with demands about coming to visit her, and neither understood nor cared that I'm a single mom who doesn't have that kind of freedom. So I told her politely that she was being unreasonable and that when she was ready to talk reasonably to me she could, but in the meantime I was done with these conversations, goodbye.

Life improved immediately. For all I know she was in a huge huff for three years, but if so it didn't bother me, because it happened very far away.

Since your fiance is too scared to deal, here, you're going to have to stand up and handle this yourself. The next time, and every other time, your brother-in-law demands you guys turn up, do this, do that, do the other thing that interferes with your life, say, "The kids and I will sit this one out, hon. You go ahead if you want." And then don't go.

That's really all there is to it. Definitely go to the wedding and big holiday things. But otherwise? You don't wanna? You don't hafta. They can sit around and take it however they want, that's really up to them. Doesn't affect you. If it affects your fiance, it's because he allows it to. Because he's free to say to his bro, "Bro, that's just how it is. She doesn't hate you, but I'm not going to bother explaining, because your ears aren't open and I just don't want to anyway. I'd appreciate if you'd just deal. It's really no skin off your nose that she's not here. Now let's go have a good time."


That's a really good idea. I've honestly been so caught up with trying to please everyone it never really occurred to me to just take myself out of the equation. I've been forcing myself into all the social family situations even though its been killing me, when instead I should be just saying "no, I can't." I will go to the wedding but that is the extent of my involvement. If I need to leave early because I can't handle the drama, then I will. I'm beyond caring what these people think of me. If they don't like the way I am, then fine. I'm doing the best I can and if that isn't good enough, that's their problem not mine.


You seem to have a good idea of one thing Aspies on this sight seem to comment on the most: trying to hard to please others to find that they aren't happy in the end. Sounds like you are a step ahead and know it isnt worth it to care. Good on you. :thumleft:


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Jenna403
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25 Jul 2014, 5:22 pm

aspiemike wrote:
Jenna403 wrote:
tarantella64 wrote:
Okay, that sort of behavior sounds completely ridiculous. Yes, I know it goes on, but honestly these people don't sound too bright.

My mom also used to be completely unreasonable with demands about coming to visit her, and neither understood nor cared that I'm a single mom who doesn't have that kind of freedom. So I told her politely that she was being unreasonable and that when she was ready to talk reasonably to me she could, but in the meantime I was done with these conversations, goodbye.

Life improved immediately. For all I know she was in a huge huff for three years, but if so it didn't bother me, because it happened very far away.

Since your fiance is too scared to deal, here, you're going to have to stand up and handle this yourself. The next time, and every other time, your brother-in-law demands you guys turn up, do this, do that, do the other thing that interferes with your life, say, "The kids and I will sit this one out, hon. You go ahead if you want." And then don't go.

That's really all there is to it. Definitely go to the wedding and big holiday things. But otherwise? You don't wanna? You don't hafta. They can sit around and take it however they want, that's really up to them. Doesn't affect you. If it affects your fiance, it's because he allows it to. Because he's free to say to his bro, "Bro, that's just how it is. She doesn't hate you, but I'm not going to bother explaining, because your ears aren't open and I just don't want to anyway. I'd appreciate if you'd just deal. It's really no skin off your nose that she's not here. Now let's go have a good time."


That's a really good idea. I've honestly been so caught up with trying to please everyone it never really occurred to me to just take myself out of the equation. I've been forcing myself into all the social family situations even though its been killing me, when instead I should be just saying "no, I can't." I will go to the wedding but that is the extent of my involvement. If I need to leave early because I can't handle the drama, then I will. I'm beyond caring what these people think of me. If they don't like the way I am, then fine. I'm doing the best I can and if that isn't good enough, that's their problem not mine.


You seem to have a good idea of one thing Aspies on this sight seem to comment on the most: trying to hard to please others to find that they aren't happy in the end. Sounds like you are a step ahead and know it isnt worth it to care. Good on you. :thumleft:


Well I'm trying to not care as much. I've been trying to look at differently. I try to remind myself that although my "special needs" aren't as noticeable as say someone in a wheelchair's needs, they are still just as valid. You wouldn't take someone in a wheelchair to a big flight of stairs and say "now walk up them, because that's what normal people do" but that's essentially what my fiancé has been doing to me by expecting me to tolerate all the disruptions his family has caused. It would be a difficult situation for anyone but its definitely worse for someone with aspergers traits.



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25 Jul 2014, 7:40 pm

An update to my update. Even though we had the discussion, nothing has changed, even though he knows his family is the problem he keeps saying "what do you want me to do? They are my family!" I feel like he just wants me to adapt. At this point, the 4 year old can sense something is wrong and is acting out even though I tried my best to shelter her from everything. I feel like my family is falling apart.

Because of this whole situation I feel hurt and betrayed. I really need him to want to protect me from getting hurt but he doesn't seem to be able to do that. He's been texting his mom and brother all evening. They know we are fighting. They know they are the problem too. His family is the only thing we've ever fought about but it is enough. He thinks he puts me first but he clearly does not.



tarantella64
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25 Jul 2014, 9:40 pm

Is there a reason why his mom's not staying with his brother? I mean that sounds like it's solve all kinds of problems.

Maybe your fiance doesn't realize that you're not expecting *him* to live in a different way (except insofar as having family as long-term guests goes). He can make all the promises to them he wants, and be involved with them however he wants -- you're just not going to be by his side when he does it. That's his family, not yours.

He may believe that you're supposed to be there attached to his hip through this because you're family now too. And that's really going to be the major thing he'll need to get used to. How's he going to deal with that, understand it? Good question, and that's one of the things therapists exist for.

In a way, he's going to have to come to grips with the notion that he's kinda been going about this selfishly: he has an idea of how family goes, it's his idea, and he expect you to live in it. And he's freaked out that you won't. If he wants to be happy with you, he's going to have to understand that there's more than one way to do family. He can be with his in the way he understands -- but he can't make you do it, too.