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FireyInspiration
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24 Jul 2014, 4:57 pm

I'm younger than most in this part of the forum (only 22) just finished a course in college, and am prepared to go back as I also look for full-time work. I've had friends get full-time jobs and still live at home for a little, get full-time jobs and live close to home (hour or so away, so can visit family and friends occasionally, and they can help you make the transition) and some who have moved out of province entirely and are forced to adapt entirely on their own. I don't want to be dependant on my parents for much longer, but also am scared of the challenges of living independently. I already do some things on my own (preparing many of my own meals, doing my own laundry, etc) but aren't sure how quickly I can learn everything needed.

What I'm asking is, would be doing the third option be more difficult for an aspie than an NT? Is it recommended that I start my career more locally due to the aspie traits, or should I face my fear or loneliness and isolation and apply for jobs further away?



AspieUtah
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24 Jul 2014, 5:16 pm

You might want to live close to your family, but on your own. Living alone for the first time is stressful enough and mistakes always happen even with perfect planning. Having your family near you helps in that area.


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ASPartOfMe
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24 Jul 2014, 8:41 pm

Change in general is difficult for many Aspies and relocating is a big change.


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24 Jul 2014, 9:20 pm

Could also be less-difficult for autistic people since they tend to have fewer friends that they're moving away from.



QuiversWhiskers
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25 Jul 2014, 10:14 am

I'd start more locally if at all possible so you can take the changes more slowly and be able to adjust and feel more in control over things. Being out on your own and having to keep track of your own bills and calling people to pay bills and interacting with cashiers and dealing with companies who bill you is stressful. Going to school, working, and also trying to remember to feed yourself and do your laundry, trying to keep all of it in order, will add to the sense of chaos. If you stay close to home, you will still have the familiarity of your surroundings.

Fear isn't always a bad thing. They talk about "facing your fears" and they seem to think that means acting like they don't exist, but fear is meant to be an adaptive thing. It's a warning system. Don't be caged by it, but acknowledge that fears have a reason; I think this is what "facing your fears" should mean: acknowledging them and their validity, not so much attempting to beat them by acting against them. Loneliness and isolation are good reasons to stay closer to home. Depression follows loneliness and isolation and depression will prevent you from truly succeeding on your own. Take it slow. I know other people your age are going out of state for college and all kinds of crazy things. But know your limits and accept them as part of yourself; this is self-respect.



Adamantium
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25 Jul 2014, 11:57 am

My guess is that this depends heavily on whether the person with autism has executive functioning problems. If you suck at organizing stuff and scheduling events, moving will always be hellish, unless you just get rid of everything when you do it.



QuiversWhiskers
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25 Jul 2014, 12:08 pm

I have to agree that it would be the executive dysfunction that would be heavily a deciding factor. I didn't connect that that is what I was describing until you mentioned that term, Adamantium.



amazon_television
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26 Jul 2014, 11:13 am

Executive dysfunction is my A#1 issue with relocating. Do you have some degree of family support/guidance? Every time I've relocated I've been mentally fine (and in fact very excited) about it, but the first couple times when I was much younger I had that guidance from my parents, which was amazingly helpful.

They even partially helped pay for my move when I went to grad school (and I was 26 years old! It wasn't necessary and I feel bad about it on some level to this day, but if they insist... I think they were just really happy that I finally got my head screwed on). And back to your original point, after that was the point where I became truly independent.

On that line though, I really think it depends on resources. The last time I relocated (~5 months ago) it was no problem at all. Admittedly I wasn't alone in it (my girlfriend moved with me) and I got super lucky on an apartment sublease that required minimal effort, but it was basically like "OK, the money is there, bang bang s**t's in place, let's just get this done".

Don't get me wrong, it was scary (as it always is), but when it came down to it it was pretty seamless. Executive function be damned, if the money is in place, it may be mad disorganized but you'll find a way to get it done. People have a pretty strong capacity to be steady under pressure when there's a good scene ahead.


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OldManDax
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03 Sep 2014, 9:33 pm

QuiversWhiskers wrote:
I'd start more locally if at all possible so you can take the changes more slowly and be able to adjust and feel more in control over things. Being out on your own and having to keep track of your own bills and calling people to pay bills and interacting with cashiers and dealing with companies who bill you is stressful. Going to school, working, and also trying to remember to feed yourself and do your laundry, trying to keep all of it in order, will add to the sense of chaos. If you stay close to home, you will still have the familiarity of your surroundings.

Fear isn't always a bad thing. They talk about "facing your fears" and they seem to think that means acting like they don't exist, but fear is meant to be an adaptive thing. It's a warning system. Don't be caged by it, but acknowledge that fears have a reason; I think this is what "facing your fears" should mean: acknowledging them and their validity, not so much attempting to beat them by acting against them. Loneliness and isolation are good reasons to stay closer to home. Depression follows loneliness and isolation and depression will prevent you from truly succeeding on your own. Take it slow. I know other people your age are going out of state for college and all kinds of crazy things. But know your limits and accept them as part of yourself; this is self-respect.


I second this advise. If I knew that when I was your age I think things would have been better for me.

Take it slow. Be patient with yourself. Allow your family to help with some of the tasks at least initially. That's what they are there for. .



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04 Sep 2014, 5:02 pm

ASPartOfMe wrote:
Change in general is difficult for many Aspies and relocating is a big change.

^This.
Which is not meant to discourage someone from moving, just to be aware of all that's involved.

I moved to another state when I was 22, 8+ years before I'd even heard of Asperger's (let alone be dx'd with it).
Moved away from where family lived because the urban environment made me feel increasingly awful (too much crime, too many people).

It wasn't clear across the country, I just moved to a neighboring state-
my mother (a couple hrs. away) came to visit a few times a year, but my father (several hrs. away) never visited me once.
At this point, my family members are either deceased or estranged, I don't see any of them-so distance is no longer a consideration. Anyway...

My process: I methodically made list of every state & went through crossing them off,
listing pros & cons of the ones I was considering (population density, politics/religiosity, and so on).
Once I picked Vermont, I made lists of things to check for the presence/absence of,
in both the town/community (library, bus, etc.) as well as the housing/neighborhood (how the apt. was & what was close by).

That was nearly 19 years ago.
I detest change, esp. if it's not by my choice. Some folks may enjoy novelty and constant/frequent change, but that's not me.
Have lived in the same apartment for past 18 years-I loathe moving, and I like where I am enough that I've remained right here.

Have still not managed to make the degree of social connections I had back in the city
(left over from high school, mostly) I'd lived in as teenager.
However, I think that's more to do with how it is to attempt socializing as an adult (and with Asperger's)-
isn't solely a result of moving or where I relocated myself to.


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01 Oct 2014, 1:11 pm

Venger wrote:
Could also be less-difficult for autistic people since they tend to have fewer friends that they're moving away from.


I'm sure, if you re-thought how hard it is for someone here to make friends, you'd not say the above.

When I was in 1st grade my parents moved us to a rural area without notice. Anyone I knew (outside the family) was gone.

They did the same thing again about 6-7 years later, when I was a freshman in high school, when I had been developing friendly relationships. This time we moved back to a busy city. No one had time for the weird rural kid. I'd like to say it took a long time to make friends but what happened is that I didn't.

Maybe you just have an easier time making friends? I hope so.



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02 Oct 2014, 12:09 am

ZenDen wrote:
Maybe you just have an easier time making friends? I hope so.


No not really. I just meant moving-away could possibly be less difficult for an autistic person than an NT, since NTs usually have a large circle of friends that they're moving away from. As opposed to an autistic person that usually just has a few or none, so moving could possibly be not-much-different as far as having friends nearby is concerned at least. I guess autistics obviously have a harder time meeting new people than NTs do after they move to a new place though.



ZenDen
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02 Oct 2014, 9:50 am

Venger wrote:
ZenDen wrote:
Maybe you just have an easier time making friends? I hope so.


No not really. I just meant moving-away could possibly be less difficult for an autistic person than an NT, since NTs usually have a large circle of friends that they're moving away from. As opposed to an autistic person that usually just has a few or none, so moving could possibly be not-much-different as far as having friends nearby is concerned at least. I guess autistics obviously have a harder time meeting new people than NTs do after they move to a new place though.


I guess, if you've never experienced the difficulty of having friends and meeting people , t would be hard for you to relate/understand.

When I talk about "an autistic person" I'm talking about "me."

I'm happy you've had a life without this issue. :D



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02 Oct 2014, 6:00 pm

ZenDen wrote:
I guess, if you've never experienced the difficulty of having friends and meeting people , t would be hard for you to relate/understand.

I'm happy you've had a life without this issue.


lol, yes I have. I think you misunderstand. I was trying to answer the OPs question of "is re-locating more difficult for aspies". And I was pointing out that moving could be less difficult for one(as opposed to an NT moving) since they usually have little or no friends that they're leaving behind(like me). So it could possibly be the same difference where they have no friends in either place they live.(I have no friends at the moment, so moving wouldn't bug me much in that regard).

I was diagnosed with AS in 1995 before almost anybody on this site, and I've had very few friends throughout my adult-life.



Buttercup
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02 Oct 2014, 10:33 pm

We moved a lot when I was a kid and I missed few kids I knew. I did write letters and at least one childhood friend and I exchange cards even now (i am past forty, dx about 30 yrs ago).
I "fostered" non-attachment because I saw a pattern of change in the world and decided I had better be at some peace with it or I might be miserable. Non-attachment has benefits...like leaving an abusive situation with ease. I do sometimes have stuff or places I love and I tell myself it's okay to get somewhat attached. I don't have much stuff and people remark on it.
These days it is impossible for me to move by myself. I have to have help with all of it. I don't like the thought of moving somewhere knowing I will be moving again soon.
Like other autistic subjects it is probably an individual thing.
Years ago I had an LFA friend and I don't think he minded moving, but he did not get very attached to things either.
One piece of advice I would give is to have a routine and no matter where you go it can be your familiarity. That helps me a lot. Ask the Brits...Tea is a wonderful routine anywhere you go!
And I apologize for the "Me myself and I" overuse today. I am seriously stressed out.



ZenDen
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03 Oct 2014, 12:20 pm

Venger wrote:
ZenDen wrote:
I guess, if you've never experienced the difficulty of having friends and meeting people , t would be hard for you to relate/understand.

I'm happy you've had a life without this issue.


lol, yes I have. I think you misunderstand. I was trying to answer the OPs question of "is re-locating more difficult for aspies". And I was pointing out that moving could be less difficult for one(as opposed to an NT moving) since they usually have little or no friends that they're leaving behind(like me). So it could possibly be the same difference where they have no friends in either place they live.(I have no friends at the moment, so moving wouldn't bug me much in that regard).

I was diagnosed with AS in 1995 before almost anybody on this site, and I've had very few friends throughout my adult-life.


"And I was pointing out that moving could be less difficult for one(as opposed to an NT moving) since they usually have little or no friends that they're leaving behind(like me)."

So you feel because you don't have much current success with the "friend" thing that other aspies would feel the way you do? And if you WERE having success and had several good friends would you say the same?

You wouldn't say something like: It's easier for a paraplegic to buy shoes because they use them so little?

Or" It's easier for a starving family in Uganda to buy food because they eat so very little?

One more time: If you had a good friend(s) you might lose in moving, would you say it was easier for you than a NT, or only if you had no friend(s)?