Specific things you do to look NT

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A lot of people here talk about pretending to be NT. Most people never really give any specific examples.

Many people never give specific examples of anything anywhere (not just this forum), especially if they are aware of the presence of contradictory examples to what they believe.

This feels like pretending, I don't know about others, but I find it necessary in order to get much of anything I want or think should happen to turn down my intensity, refrain from telling people what seems obviously to me with much negative emotion, most of the time, and instead phrase things positively or ask a question.

When I don't turn down my intensity people don't take me seriously, sometimes flat out ignore me.

So I try to be less intense than is me to fit in because otherwise I'm nothing, I don't exist and a lot of the time, that's worse.

-- I try, for the most part, to avoid speaking unless I am spoken to.

-- I count my words, not exactly, but I am careful to use as few as possible and to try not to give details unless they are asked for.

-- When leaving the house, I try to be very careful about my clothing, making sure to choose it for looks and "what other women wear" rather than personal comfort

-- When in public, I try to pitch my voice soft and low and to speak only positively.

-- I avoid talking about my feelings, interests, or opinions.

-- I watch other people and try to imitate them, speaking as they speak and "feeling," at least ostensibly, as they feel.

-- I try to be careful of the cadence of my speech, matching it to the people I'm talking with.

-- I try to be careful of my hands and eyes, keeping my hands still unless I am working with them and making sure to look at the person I am talking to and then look away on about five-second intervals.

-- The most important things are what I DON'T do. Which is mostly speak unless I'm sure it's OK.

I don't think my act is as successful as I like to believe and it relies mostly on the other person's inattention or ignorance. I am certain that there have been people who are familiar with ASD, like familiar as in living with someone who has it, who suspect something because I can't hide everything and there are some things that I know are kind of obvious and if someone who has known me since childhood and did some research, they might suspect it. For me, as long as I can make some jokes and smile and respond, I think I am doing good. Nowadays, I don't have as much severe mutism and have learned a lot of things and developed habits to where speech reaction is almost natural even though I still consciously think about my tone of voice and body movements, it just happens a lot faster. And I didn't realize how little I look at very comfortable friends until one of them told me. I listen to and participate some in conversations (though most conversations I am involved in are controlled and led by the other person) without hardly ever looking at them. I realize I mostly look at other people for their benefit and it is very often a conscious thing. It actually interferes with my concentration and then I feel guilty because I get distracted by looking at them when I am looking at them to try to convey interest and focus. The more I look at someone and it actually feels natural to me, the more they look away from me or I notice they are looking at my eyebrows instead of my eyes so I wonder if what feels more natural to me comes across to them as more of a "stare".

Mostly, if you can respond when someone talks to you, they think you are "okay". But I know that I am "different" and so do others but mostly they just assume I am shy, quiet, or depending on the situation, rude. My one friend says I am the "quirkiest" person she knows. I also tend to really squash my real emotions in public; mostly the happy ones because I make more serious social mistakes when under emotion especially if I get silly; I can't concentrate on reading the other person and thinking through what I am going to say. Only my husband and kids see my true self; he has said that he wishes his friends could see me as I am at home. I try to put on "emotions" in public, but I know it is still muted. I don't know what to do with my real ones; they are extremely private to me. I now let myself stim in public because I really don't care anymore what anyone thinks and some people even find it entertaining. There are some stims only my husband sees and some only my kids see. I've done a lot of what BuyerBeware mentions. I think I also try to act very mature and most people think I am very mature for my age and are surprised when they find out I am not as old as they thought; this "maturity" is from being very serious and from not knowing how to be "carefree". I look my age, but don't act it and most of the people I manage to make friends with are a decade or two older than me and I meet them because they seek me first or because they have kids my own kids' age and the kids have made friends first.

I study a lot (men's fashion, politics, current news, sports, etc). I mentioned this in another thread, but I will try and think about the different type of people that I might encounter that day (like if I have to go to a wedding) and I will study up on a lot of stuff that I can talk about with them. But I never lead a discussion or insert my opinion. I typically will try and ask an informed question to the group - most of the time people will forget about any of my eccentricities if they spouting off their own opinions.

But it can backfire on me if they begin to ask me questions.

I don't think this is really part of faking NT, so much as just flying under the radar though.

I don't think of it as trying to fake or act NT, but trying to have positive interactions with people.

Basic things I try to remember:

Posture: Stand tall. Back straight, spine aligned. Not to slump in chairs. Not to jiggle my leg or fidget too much.

Speech: Don't speak unless you have to, then speak in a more informal way and only on the business at hand. Do not share interests unless the other person does first, and then assume they are not really interested. Don't go into detail beyond one sentence descriptions of things unless they sincerely show interest and ask for more information. If you do go down this path, check often for signs of flagging interest and stop when you think you might be seeing it.

Expression: Smile when you might people and try to have a light, positive energy, even if you have to remove yourself from circulation for a minute or two and compose that state (e.g., in a bathroom or stock room)

Emergency procedure: If it's all too much, make an apology and get out. Put yourself in a calming environment and back down from the rising curve of chaos. The emergency stairs at my office are a good place for this.

The autistic perspective is not a static perspective. Adaptation to the "outer environment" is not only possible, but essential (and probably, inevitable).

Okay, here are my specifics, listing the behavior I attempt to modify, and my reason why.

I'm 52, I come from the generations that got overlooked for high functioning spectrum disorders, and I've lived my whole being expected by others to "be normal" but I'm not and never have been. I've been as confused as everyone else in my life as to WHY I'm not.

So here's my stuff:

Real me:
I talk funny.
I've always had a MUCH slower cadence than other people. When I was five another child pointed it out and got everyone else in the vicinity laughing at me, at how slowly I spoke. I was mortified. I couldn't really do anything to change it until somehow when I was an adult I noticed the speed at which other people spoke.

I'm intelligent but people thought I was stupid because I speak slowly. I'm not in fact stupid, I just sound like I am.

So:

Fake me:
I try to speak faster. It feels way too fast for what comes naturally to me, but---

Result:
People seem to listen to what I say instead of the WAY I say it. When I speak faster than feels normal to me, I find that instead of people getting the wrong impression of me being stupid, or odd, or other reactions I realize I've had from them, they actually just think I'm as bright as I really am, and the conversation proceeds normally on that understanding.

Real me:
I talk too loudly most of the time.

I don't realize I'm speaking too loudly for the situation or the location. I haven't matched my volume to what's appropriate, be it a church setting, an enclosed space like a bus where it's irritating for other people to have to listen to my conversation, etc.

Fake me>
I try to remember to modulate/modify my voice to fit what's appropriate for the setting, or what won't disturb other people who are either trapped in that setting with me or wanting some quiet (again the church or whatever).

Real me:
My sensory issues, when not managed or catered to properly, can cause me a meltdown. I can become cranky in the extreme, angry, desperate to fix the sensory issue but unable to.

Sometime it's as simple as the fact that I need the support of a bra (trust me on this, I cannot go bra-less) but I do have a VERY specific way the bra must feel, and I need it to be in place properly and to fit properly. I've got the fit down all right, but still if it shifts (I have a VERY active job) and I can't adjust it, I go into an extreme state of distraction, where all I can think about is that I've got to adjust things.

It's not always appropriate to hike up your sweater or t-shirt and start rummaging around with your undergarments.

So:

Fake me
I have to either take myself to a quiet spot, or wait until I can get to a bathroom to get my bra comfortable again.
And until I can -- I have to suppress the agitation and discombobulation I'm experiencing as long as that can't happen.

That's just one of my physical sensory issues that loom large in my life, and that I have to hid exactly HOW distressed I feel in order not to have a complete meltdown in front of people WHO WONT' UNDERSTAND.

Basically, in my book "faking" is more about suppressing the full-on reactions I'm having to things that are starting to cause me problems, because I'm going to cause myself even more problems if I let it all hang out and the people I'm around have no understanding as to why I'm being so crazy.

Real me
Some stores/shops and other busy settings cause me high anxiety because of the sensory overload; the supermarket when it's crowded, for example. Problem is, I live in a very busy city and there's really never a time when my local store is not crowded. Inside I'm getting agitated by all the people around me and the hectic, chaotic environment.

However, I HAVE TO shop because online delivery is often a problem as I work and am not home when I would need to be to take delivery. So

Fake me

I have to completely suppress all of the negative reactions I'm having in that public place -- because I don't want to get arrested, taken to be sectioned, and I do have to go back to that place. I don't want to embarrass myself so I have to save it until I get home.

Real me
I get worn out by too much social interaction especially when I did not invite it or arrange for it. I just want to show up for work and be left alone.

However, in my work my clients, if they are friendly at all, expect to have little chats with me even if it's only in passing.

It oils the wheels of the working relationship remaining pleasant and with good will between us. It wouldn't look good for me to say "Please don't ever talk to me, I just want to do my work and pretend you're not here" even though that's what I'm feeling inside.

So:

[bFake me[/b]
I use skills I've learned to return pleasant chit chat back at the person, and to come across as a warm and friendly person instead of the grumpy, leave-me-alone person I really feel like inside some days when I'm struggling with life.

WHY?

Because my clients don't want a grumpy, leave me alone person in charge of their home, owning a copy of their house key etc. They want to hire someone they like. I AM likeable but I won't seem likeable if I ask not to be spoken to while I'm working.

Oh yeah, THAT'S gonna come across real nice. I need to maintain pleasantness so that I stay in work. The pleasantness isn't necessarily "fake" -- I AM a pleasant person I just wish I could work entirely alone without interruptions. I do like my clients, genuinely, yet I also feel the need to wish that they weren't at home when I'm trying to take care of my work.

So I have to compromise by meeting them halfway in their expectation of some chitchat.

I have many more examples but it would bore me to tears -- and all of you too -- to list every single one, as there are so damn many. But the above is just a few things to illustrate.

I do not have a diagnosis, I do not have friends and family who all know and can say "Oh yes, she's on the autism spectrum so this is why this is happening or this is why she does this or that."

I am self employed by people who can very easily fire me and find someone else if anything about me seems strange, uncomfortable for them, even IF I try to explain that I have autism spectrum challenges that make me have to do this or that.

TRUST ME, these people don't have the time or energy to give a flying hoot about that. They just want the job done.

I have to not make other people uncomfortable, because other people tend to be ignorant. That becomes my problem but I'm just trying to get through my f*****g life.

You, OP, are a very young girl who still lives with your family and you are not really in need of proving anything to anyone, or holding down a job.

You don't know what it's like for a grownup person to have to hold down work in a world that can find legal ways to fire you just because "you act weird" sometimes.

So that's why I try not to.

I don't always succeed, I'm certain of that, but the outcome from attempting to is still preferable to what happens when I'm fully myself around the wrong people.

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Last edited by BirdInFlight on 25 Jul 2014, 9:59 am, edited 3 times in total.

It's true:

Most people don't give a flying fig whether you have an autism spectrum disorder or not.

Especially in an employment setting.

Thank you kraftiekortie!! You get it. You really do get it. I thank you for that. You're a breath of fresh air because you seem to realize what I'm talking about, how, most particularly regarding the world of work, we are not all fortunate enough to have bosses or co-workers who completely understand and accomodate the way we need things to be in order to be comfortable.

The legal situation of course states that nobody can be let go for having needs that the employer doesn't want to have to deal with.

But in real life, this happens all the time.

And I'm self employed and undiagnosed. It's hard enough in this economy for me to even find clients at all, let alone pick and choose understanding people to whom I can explain my odd requests and have them complied with. I'm also categorized as an unskilled laborer and people who do the work I do -- without special needs to be complied with -- are ten-a-penny.

I'd get a strange look and be told they have someone else to interview. Or if I already work for them, I'd get the old "We've decided not to have any help for while right now, but thanks for all you've done...."

I've had to go along with other people's expectations of "normal behavior" in order to simply not freak out someone who doesn't know nor care about my issues.

That's a sad world to live in but it's the world I've found myself in.

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I don't do anything to look NT....some of the stuff in this thread so far just seems downright exausting, so I feel I can spend my energy on better things than trying to mold myself into something I am not or fake it when around people and then only be myself when alone....I still have to get out of bed in the morning, try and get enough to eat during the day, figure my plans then chances are bus/walk wherever I happen to be going ect, so nope no energy left over for faking.

I don't really go out of my way to draw attention to myself as being different than NT, as I don't really see much point in that.....but I'd rather not interact with people who would dislike me for seeming 'a bit off' or 'something other than NT' anyways.

Sweetleaf, it IS exhausting and I do actually wish I didn't feel like I have to make the choices I make.

But you haven't lived my life and if you had you might have discovered that you were opting to make the same choices I've felt I had to make.

Everyone is leading a different life, on here.

Each one of us has been faced by a different set of practical issues. Some of us work, some of us don't have to, and some cannot do so. Some of us have work that fully accomodates a person with a diagnosis. Some of us have work that wouldn't give us a moment's understanding. And we would wind up jobless and homeless.

Personally I don't want to be homeless. So I've had to keep my life together no matter what. I pay a high price in terms of inner exhaustion and I don't deny that. But don't judge me for trying to avoid worse consequences. I'm paying in exhaustion what I consider to be a price for not actually having worse disasters become of me.

I can't pick and choose who is in my life at least regarding work, because I'm self employed and times are tough.

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If I didn't live at my moms house and wasn't on SSI I'd likely be homeless because even if I wanted to I lack the ability to 'fake it' at all, and even on the off chance I found a job where my oddness wasn't so much a problem as long as I am not going out of my way to bother people or be a jerk....my depression, anxiety and ptsd issues would certainly interfere with my abilities to show up, work my hours and do that consistantly, with just the autism it might be more just trouble starting tasks/being self directed of where to start, coming off a bit unusual and being too slow.

Speaking of which not so sure what my mom is planning to do if her new business she is trying to start with a certificate degree from a community college doesn't bring in enough income....for all I know i might still be looking at homelessness at least for a time depending on what goes on with that since SSI isn't much of an income at all. My dad is essentially going to be homeless as soon as he has to leave the house he's at, relatives on his side are hard to live with and live pretty far...relatives on my moms side have money, food, resources but likely would in no way let me stay at their place.

I certainly am not judging you, everyones different and has their life experiences and reasons for how they do things..you've done what you've had to do, though not even sure I would consider what you describe faking being NT, but rather having to sort of tone it down as to not stick out and lose employment over it and what not....unfortunate anyone would be an a position they have to do that but it is what it is. But yeah if I could improve functioning enough to work or fake it enough to get through the work day consistantly then I likely would to get better income and be able to pay my way more, though if I got fed up with the job I'd still just do something like walk out or get too overwhelmed and freak out somehow so I get fired.

I used to walk out of jobs a lot -- when I used to work retail, every job I had "went down in flames" due to my starting to have problems dealing with the bosses, co-workers, the duties, the social expectations, and because other people misinterpreted me because of my issues with social awkwardness (me, not them).

I never lasted more than a few months, and usually much less time than that, because of the same kind of problems that you describe you feel you'd probably have too, yes.

The only thing I've managed to last at, for work, is being self employed. But even with that, I've walked out on clients I couldn't bear anymore, and I've also been "let go" by clients who started to dislike me when I let something slip -- for example, when I first go to a job in the morning, I'm feeling at my least able to be "on" (friendly, greeting someone, etc.") It's a blessing to me when nobody is at home when I arrive at their place.

One morning the woman was home and came out to the street to greet me. This is usually the time when I have my supplies and equipment to unpack from the trunk of my car, and I know it sounds weird, but I get agitated if someone is trying to talk to me while I do that, as I have to get everything together and think about what I need.
So, when I pull up, and she walks out --- I know I gave her a really dirty look. I knew my face just went

I never even intended to be that rude or horrible, but my face just....did it. I was really "off" with her as I got out of my car. I wasn't outright rude, I didn't say anything rude, I said normal things like "Good morning" -- but the damage was already done. Within a wekk she left a message on my machine saying they don't need me to come anymore. I'd been working for them for at least a couple of years, but in all that time they had normally never been at home and I never had to deal with them, so, to this woman, seeing my sour face must have been a bit of a shock. And I got fired.

My face was me being my honest self that morning, and my sour expression was the product of my inability to cope nicely with having my routine disrupted or my expectation of solitude ruined. It's little things like this that have made me realize I must hide my reactions to things that push my "autistic trait" buttons such as unexpected things and intrusions and routine disruptions.

You're correct about "toning it down" -- that's really what it is.

I know that NT people do a lot of this stuff too -- my not letting my frustrated face show (or rather, that's what I should have tried to do) is only really what people all over the world have to do all day too, for the most part.

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Why does everyone want to be NT, what is so fantastic about them?

I know that not being NT comes with draw backs but so does being NT in some respects I expect.

Yes I had to abandon a pottery class today because

1 There were too many people there
2 I had a preference for wanting to come home to teach myself pottery from books and just playing around with clay by myself
3 I couldn't cope with the god damned supermarket style lighting...sorry but my brain will not process things properly under such conditions. I don't panic, I do not fear the lighting, I just can't get my brain to work normally when I am around it.

But for this is not the end of the world...there are other ways I can still learn pottery or to work with clay so whereas most people would think I should be upset or feel like a failure or something (NT or otherwise) I don't see the bloody the issue.

The only issue I see is that such things are going to make it difficult for me to work but that is only because society is a dick head taht won't let me adjust my environment to work for me (work in different lighting or with fewer people). I blame society for that...it's a bit thick. Rather than jsut letting someone change the environment to work for them so they can work they'd rather pay out a fortune in disability benefits. Bit dumb of society if you ask me, just goes to show how stupid it is when there is a simple solution to the problem.

But it won't let me apply the solution because instead I have to be more NT...

Silly, daft, not smart, society is an idiot.

This does not mean that all people who occupy society are idiots, but society as a collective is actually rather dim.

If NTs were so smart and wonderful they'd let me adapt my environment so I could work instead of forcing me to be more like them (because they are arrogant and think that being NT is the be all and end all fo existance...according to the high and might NTs no one is worth anything unless they are a NT like them...ego much?...arrogant pricks that they are) which really just results in my ending up on disability.

Ah well..

I spend my time wisely..i bought supplies to work clay at home on my way back to the bus station. MY venture into pottery will not end there!