AS and Touching

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I'm sure many of the folks who post here suffer from an aversion to touch. I have a question -- have any of you been able to cure yourselves of this?

I have had a strong aversion to physical contact all my life, ever since I was a child. Back then, AS was unheard of, and nobody knew why I felt this way. By the time I was in my 20's I thought I'd figured it out. You see, my father was very physically abusive to me and my brothers and sister, all through our childhood. I thought his abuse was the reason for my touch-aversion. But my brothers and sister never had this problem, and they all dated, married and had children. I never did any of those things, because the thought of closeness to a man filled me with fear, dread, horror and disgust. And I wondered, if we were all treated the same way, why am I the only one who feels like this?

It wasn't until I was diagnosed with AS in 2010 that I discovered the real reason, that aversion to touch is part of autism. My father's abuse was a false clue, a red herring. Once I learned the truth, I thought, "Well, that's it. It's incurable." You see, I'd been doing yoga and taking anti-anxiety medication, which helped somewhat, and I thought if I kept that up, some day I'd be free of this problem. But if it came from AS, then, I thought, it was hopeless.

There have been many moments over the years where I'd see a loving couple in the street, and it was like a bullet through my heart. Or, I'd see a great love scene in the movies, and burst into tears. Apparently deep down inside, I want love. But the mere thought of going on a date still fills me with revulsion. Maybe my father is responsible for my terrible fear of men. When I was younger, now and then a guy would show some interest in me. I always panicked, got away from him as fast as I could, and that night I would have nightmares about being beaten up by male figures.

I have a new psychiatrist and I told him all about this. "You think there's no hope," he said. "But that's not true. You could be with someone."

I told him I thought it was too late, that I was too old. Besides, what man would want to be with a woman who won't let him touch her?

He said it wasn't too late, and that I'm not too old. "You can get over your aversion to touch with gradual desensitization exercises," he said, "experiencing touch a tiny bit of contact at a time, and you'll gradually feel better about it."

Our session had to end right after that so we didn't discuss it further. And I can't see him again until October, because he's so heavily booked.

So in the meantime, I would like to ask what you all think about this. Has anyone out there ever overcome their aversion to physical contact, and found love even though you thought it was impossible? Please share if you don't mind. Thanks. -- higgie

It is not too late.

I do not like being touched by most people, but I have come to accept it from family, and I enjoy physical intimacy with my husband.

A lot of it does have to do with trust. If you find someone you trust enough to share your heart with, I believe you will eventually be able to allow that person to touch you and may grow to even enjoy it. It might take time, but someone who loves you for who you are will be patient with you.

Even now, my husband knows "no touching in public." However, I continue to grow in my enjoyment of physical contact, so now I enjoy being affectionate at home more than I did when we were first married 17 years ago.

I did not grow up in a touchy-feely family. But my husband grew up in an Italian family where everyone hugs and kisses a lot. That really, really bothered me at first. Now, I still don't like it, but I have gotten used to the obligatory hug and kiss given when greeting a family member. I think family members have gotten used to me, too, since hugs are not as tight as I once remember, and kisses are usually barely there now!

I have the same issue. making skin to skin contact with another person is very uncomfortable. Even handshakes terrify me.

Never saw the need to cure myself. I see it as more other people's problem if my lack of touchy-feelyness hurts their feelings.

I didn't like being touched as a kid but yet I loved to be rubbed and be held. I still don't like to be touched but that depends. I had occupational therapy as a kid so that got me to be able to tolerate it and let people touch me without freaking out.

If you get exposed to touches more often you will get used to them eventually.

I used to avoid touches too and I also had bad experiences with abusive father.
At a time the fear/discomfort was so bad I was automatically jumping off and preparing myself to a fight when someone unexpectedly touched me, especially a male. But a male friend cured me from this. He considered my reaction funny (or perhaps he liked me?) so he was doing it often. After a while I stopped turning hands into fists and some time later I stopped jumping off - I was only avoiding the touch for a few centimeters. Then one time, during a sleepover I was very tired and he decided to touch me again. I didn't escape, I didn't care. I just wanted to sleep. Then suddenly I realized it doesn't feel bad at all if I can stand the surprising moment. In fact the touch itself felt nice, even too nice. He managed to give me a shoulders massage then.

I still don't like being touched by random people but since that time I stopped being afraid of the touch of people close to me. Apparently its not like I don't like being touched - it is just overwhelming. I need to trust the one who touches me because I am very vulnerable then. I can focus only on the touch and can't see what is going on around me. Just like a purring cat.

I think my answer for the original poster is that for me, my aversion to touch can't be cured, but it can be overridden by intimacy. I am not talking about intimacy in the terms of the bedroom. I may not even be using the right word, but it seems close. The way that I am using the word includes simple friendship on a low level.

For me, touch is directly related to intimacy. The degree of the touch I allow is based on how intimate I am with them. A hand shake is about all that I will allow with somebody that I am not intimate with, or have no desire of being intimate with, and that may take some work at times. A hug is something I can allow from a close friend. Anything more than a hug requires a much higher degree of intimacy than friendship. There are places on my body that I didn't even like my ex-wife touching at times unless we were behind closed doors. I am recently divorced, so I have backed tracked quite a bit, and the only people that can currently touch me are my kids.

I agree with this. Why do people need to touch me? Why should I feel the need to let them? I like the older custom in China where people bow or nod to each other and grabbing or touching someone is considered offensive.

I do like getting neck back and shoulder massages from my parents. Like when we are out my mom will run her knuckle up and down my spine which comforts me. Or my dad will sit next to me on the couch and message my shoulders to relax me. And I like to cuddle sometimes with my cousin who is my age but more like a older brother for comforting. Not so much now, but when was little.

But everyone else I want to leave me alone, not touch me or stand to close to me.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

I had one lasting relationship but our personalities didn't work out well, so we broke up with each other. I tried asking another girl out, but she turned me down because she barely knew who I was. I'm searching for love too and so are you.

I am 56 years old. I have not gotten used to it yet. I have slightly improved my negative reactions to them.

I think FallingDownMan had the right idea with intimacy. The only way to overcome the aversion to touch in the context of a romantic relationship is to develop a very deep intimacy. If you feel safe with someone you will be able to stand being touched by them at least sometimes. I have problems with this in my relationship. I have a hard time being physically affectionate with anyone. When my mother hugs me I stand stiff as a board. I hated the giggly huggy girls of the schools I went to. I felt like an alien when I watched them. To me it seemed offensive that they were so uncontained, if that makes sense.
Anyway, I have been with my partner for 9 years now and for some reason he still says he loves me. I don't feel like I'm a very good partner sometimes to be with, I'm constantly hurting his feelings by not being able to accept comfort from him. when I'm upset and pacing around in frustrating I hate when he tries to hold me still. He wants to hug me to comfort me but it makes me feel like he's trying to control my emotions or me by trying to force me to calm down.
basically the only time I like to have physical contact with him is when we are physically intimate, but that is only possible because of the emotional and intellectual intimacy we have developed over the years.

I guess it's a matter of meeting the right person. There are men out there who are patient and understanding, sometimes they are hidden in plain view I think. Then again sometimes someone of the same gender can help you to learn how to be intimate in a less threatening environment. I thought I was a lesbian because I could not trust men for some reason and even though I liked boys when I was younger(I always had intense crushes on boys in my neighbourhood/class from age 8-13) I found them repulsive by the time I was a teenager. I guess that's the age when boys start really being boys and girls being girls. Before that it was like we were all just kids, and we weren't so different.

Anyway I think if you get to know someone for a long time and realize that they will accept you as you are then the ability to share affection will inevitably follow. It may take longer for some people to feel accepted and safe enough to move on to a physical level.

There's no harm in trying progressive desensitization if you want to do it; the worst that happens is that it doesn't work.

Progressive desensitization is usually used with phobias. the idea is to expose you to things that are only very, very slightly frightening or uncomfortable, and wait until you're okay with those things. By that time, slightly more uncomfortable things will seem less bad, and you can move on to them.

Whether this would work on a sensory thing, I don't know. Probably depends. If it doesn't work, you'll probably know because at some point you just won't be able to go on to more uncomfortable things because they won't stop being uncomfortable with repeated exposure the way they would if you had a simple phobia.

By the way: Some people simply do not like sexual intimacy. I am asexual, and while I have no problems with hugging somebody or cuddling with them, kissing and intercourse are both "gross" things I'd prefer not to do at all. Asexuality is a real orientation, not a disorder, and about 1% of the population is firmly asexual, focusing on friendship and platonic romance.

I still feel a bit uncomfortable as an adult. But I kind of like the idea of it. So, I guess I can say that in theory I like being touched and occasionally I will like it in practice. But in general - I tend to back away from it and feel very awkward.

For me, it just had to be the right person. I still don't like being touched - or touching - anyone but my wife. Even when I had dated other girls, I didn't want to hold hands or sit close to them.

But after meeting my wife, things changed for me. To an extent. I am still not one to cuddle, but I do like rubbing her head or her feet while we sit on the couch. I still need space though - and I don't like having my kids too close to me when we are sitting on the bed reading books together.

If I can initiate the contact, I can deal with it much better. I just have to make sure that I give my wife enough 'touches' throughout the day so that I feel like she is getting enough physical contact. She knows this - and will let me know if I just need to put my hands on her - not in a sexual way. Sometimes she just wants me to rest my hands on her feet while she stretches out on the couch.

Communication is absolutely key - even if it seems like it could be a tough conversation to have. If you find someone that you really want to spend time with, things will go much better for both of you if expectations are clearly laid out.

For me, the more that people touch me without breaks (months, not weeks, days, hours, or minutes) the more sensitive I get. Long breaks make me less sensitive. The more that people touch me the more sensitive I get. I just avoid it as much as I can. Nothing else helps.

As you get older you get a bit more used to it - to the point for me that it's mildly annoying as opposed to very uncomfortable.