Why do so many people assume this about me?

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L_Holmes
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05 Aug 2014, 6:38 pm

Tomorrow I am scheduled to see a doctor who specializes in diagnosing certain mental disorders, Asperger's being one of them. It will be a pre-authorization in which I guess he will be getting information from me about why I and others think I may have it, and then determining whether testing should be authorized and done at a later date (as soon as 1 or 2 weeks afterwards).

So what I'm wondering really, is assuming I am diagnosed, what next? Are there therapists that specialize in helping Aspies? All the therapists I've seen up to this point have been perplexed by my behaviors and thoughts. They didn't seem to understand anything without explanation, nor did they ever seem to understand my attempts to explain my thoughts to them. I hate that feeling, because it starts to seem hopeless when even the professionals have no idea what the problem is or how to help you.

I haven't seen my current therapist in a few weeks, but in our last session I brought up that I had recently thought I could very possibly have Asperger's, and that maybe my previously diagnosed ADD was only secondary or even that I might not have it at all. I told her this because I thought she would realize that the whole underlying issue may be much more fundamental for many of my problems, and therefore would probably have a totally different solution as far as treatment or therapy goes. However, when I was done talking she seemed confused as to why I would even want a diagnosis, and started wondering if it was because I wanted to prove to others that my problems weren't my fault. She also said that if I was really sure that I have it, the treatment of those issues would still be exactly the same for a neurotypical person with similar issues (I don't think that's true) and that I could just figure it out myself. My older brother said this too.

I was pretty offended to be honest, because it's simply not true. I don't want sympathy, and I wouldn't even expect to get it from my family, so how could getting sympathy possibly be my reasoning in wanting a diagnosis? I don't understand why so many people, especially my family, seem to think so poorly of me and act so hypocritical. They yell at me for my failures in school and employment, and then they yell at me for trying to find ways around my problem, to maximize my strengths and minimize my weaknesses, so I can be successful in those areas. It's because they assume that the reason for my failure is not because I don't have the same abilities as others, but because I somehow choose to not care about my future. This is so illogical and ridiculous, of course I care about my future; I'm doing this because I care about my future. I've had so many problems trying to do things the way "normal" people do them, so logically I should try something else that will work for me. But apparently that's taking the easy way out, and I should force myself to conform to their ways. Why doesn't anyone just take the time to stop and actually consider the evidence and what I am saying? Because I know for a fact they know very little about autism in general, let alone Asperger's specifically, so they have no place making assumptions about it, especially considering that they were the ones constantly telling me I have a serious problem and that I need to figure out what it is.


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starkid
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05 Aug 2014, 7:11 pm

L_Holmes wrote:
I was pretty offended to be honest, because it's simply not true. I don't want sympathy, and I wouldn't even expect to get it from my family, so how could getting sympathy possibly be my reasoning in wanting a diagnosis? I don't understand why so many people, especially my family, seem to think so poorly of me and act so hypocritical.


I have found that certain kinds of people tend to assume that there is some sort of ugly emotionally-based ulterior motive behind everyone's actions in all sorts of situations. I guess that is how their minds work, and they lack the knowledge that not everyone's mind works that way, so they assume that they can accurately guess your mental processes as well. It's also part of their way of socializing to guess at how other people are thinking/feeling, so they do it automatically. This profound lack of knowledge of cognitive differences is also probably why your therapist assumes that therapy should be the same for everyone.


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AmethystRose
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05 Aug 2014, 7:13 pm

This seems to be how most families respond to ASD. I think you have to just ignore it... which isn't easy.

I don't really talk to my mom because she thinks being autistic means you're a self centered, lazy, stubborn b***h who wouldn't care if family lived or died, and she's really mean to me as a result. She hates who I am and wants me to be someone completely different.



Last edited by AmethystRose on 05 Aug 2014, 7:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

AmethystRose
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05 Aug 2014, 7:21 pm

starkid wrote:
L_Holmes wrote:
I was pretty offended to be honest, because it's simply not true. I don't want sympathy, and I wouldn't even expect to get it from my family, so how could getting sympathy possibly be my reasoning in wanting a diagnosis? I don't understand why so many people, especially my family, seem to think so poorly of me and act so hypocritical.


I have found that certain kinds of people tend to assume that there is some sort of ugly emotionally-based ulterior motive behind everyone's actions in all sorts of situations. I guess that is how their minds work, and they lack the knowledge that not everyone's mind works that way, so they assume that they can accurately guess your mental processes as well. It's also part of their way of socializing to guess at how other people are thinking/feeling, so they do it automatically. This profound lack of knowledge of cognitive differences is also probably why your therapist assumes that therapy should be the same for everyone.


Agreed.

I'm always so amazed at how mindblind "NTs" are. No ability to understand anyone different from them at all lol :p



olympiadis
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05 Aug 2014, 7:26 pm

AmethystRose wrote:
I'm always so amazed at how mindblind "NTs" are. No ability to understand anyone different from them at all lol :p


+1



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05 Aug 2014, 7:36 pm

Whatever you do drop that therapist.Yes you do need help. But going it alone is less bad then going to all these these people that think claiming you have Aspergers is a sign you have fictitious disorder.


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em_tsuj
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05 Aug 2014, 7:56 pm

Ask the person who diagnoses people if there are therapists who help people with AS. I don't think there is psychotherapy for AS. However, I have found that having a therapist who is familiar with AS makes a world of difference. It did with me at least.



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05 Aug 2014, 8:27 pm

This seems to be a pretty common experience, especially for "high-functioning" individuals. If you don't act severely disabled, people generally assume you should be able to alter your behaviours and assimilate. Families are pretty notorious for it. I think that parents especially see their job as teaching you to be a "well-adjusted" member of society, and if you struggle with that, they see it somehow as evidence of their own "failure" which they take out on you. It's totally illogical, but I've observed it numerous times. My mom used to say, "People will think I didn't teach you how to behave."

Sometimes it may be well-meaning; they don't want you to think you are "defective", or to give in to your limitations. But you are on the right track with wanting to have realistic expectations of yourself, so that you can achieve the goals you set for yourself even if they prove challenging. Keep emphasizing this. I lost a lot of time trying to fit the mold others designed for me, because I couldn't map an alternate route on my own. I had to ask around a lot, but finally found a therapist (hint: counselor, not psychiatrist) who works with adults on the spectrum. It has made a tremendous difference.



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06 Aug 2014, 4:36 am

It takes one to know one.


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06 Aug 2014, 5:02 am

starkid wrote:
I have found that certain kinds of people tend to assume that there is some sort of ugly emotionally-based ulterior motive behind everyone's actions in all sorts of situations. I guess that is how their minds work, and they lack the knowledge that not everyone's mind works that way, so they assume that they can accurately guess your mental processes as well. It's also part of their way of socializing to guess at how other people are thinking/feeling, so they do it automatically. This profound lack of knowledge of cognitive differences is also probably why your therapist assumes that therapy should be the same for everyone.


Exactly. They are very troublesome. They make wrong assumptions about other people's motive and cause conflicts and frustration. Problems can get worse instead of getting resolved.

So I think the OP needs to find a competent therapist that is capable of focusing on the real problem. And he probably has to try to ignore his family for now.



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06 Aug 2014, 5:40 am

AmethystRose wrote:
This seems to be how most families respond to ASD. I think you have to just ignore it... which isn't easy.

I don't really talk to my mom because she thinks being autistic means you're a self centered, lazy, stubborn b***h who wouldn't care if family lived or died, and she's really mean to me as a result. She hates who I am and wants me to be someone completely different.


Thats exactly what my mother in law thinks of me. Recently a man tried to commit suicide by jumping off the motorway bridge near to where I live. I don't know who this man is but I can't stop thinking about him, hoping that he can sort himself out and has supportive family. Everyone I've heard speak about this incident has either moaned about the traffic delays or made some nasty comment like "I would have told him to hurry up and jump". This is what my mother in law said and yet I am supposed to be the selfish one :? I will never understand NTs and how their minds work :(



AspieUtah
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06 Aug 2014, 9:58 am

L_Holmes wrote:
...Are there therapists that specialize in helping Aspies...?

While I amn't certain, I have frequently read about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy http://www.psychcentral.com/lib/book-re ... me/0002204 being an option for people with Asperger's Syndrome. I suspect that Boise might have some CBT therapists. Salt Lake City definitely does have some. But, either city is about two hours from you.

L_Holmes wrote:
...I haven't seen my current therapist in a few weeks, but in our last session I brought up that I had recently thought I could very possibly have Asperger's, and that maybe my previously diagnosed ADD was only secondary or even that I might not have it at all. I told her this because I thought she would realize that the whole underlying issue may be much more fundamental for many of my problems, and therefore would probably have a totally different solution as far as treatment or therapy goes. However, when I was done talking she seemed confused as to why I would even want a diagnosis, and started wondering if it was because I wanted to prove to others that my problems weren't my fault....

Others here have mentioned some good responses about your therapist's opinion, and I don't disagree with them. But, I wonder if her reaction to your opinion was based more on the idea that you know yourself (and your AS screening-test scores, characteristics and co-occurent diagnoses) at least as well as she does. I can say from personal experience that soo many professionals don't like "patients" who have the time and wherewithal to research the facts about themselves better than the professionals who spend about five minutes with their clients do. I have seen some pretty amazing and insulting reactions to this situation ("did you read this in some 'book?'" "you are just 'shopping' for a diagnosis," "I doubt seriously that your presumption will be proved correct," and, finally, "Hmm, I guess you were right...."). Hehe.

The good news is that most chagrined professionals eventually get over their sulking and realize that you really are your own best advocate, and try to play along (if only to continue the paid relationship they have with you). Remember, unless they can prove that they are correct, you have the right to the care and professional assistance that you believe works best for you.

Good luck with your efforts.


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21 May 2016, 10:09 am

AmethystRose wrote:
starkid wrote:
L_Holmes wrote:
I was pretty offended to be honest, because it's simply not true. I don't want sympathy, and I wouldn't even expect to get it from my family, so how could getting sympathy possibly be my reasoning in wanting a diagnosis? I don't understand why so many people, especially my family, seem to think so poorly of me and act so hypocritical.


I have found that certain kinds of people tend to assume that there is some sort of ugly emotionally-based ulterior motive behind everyone's actions in all sorts of situations. I guess that is how their minds work, and they lack the knowledge that not everyone's mind works that way, so they assume that they can accurately guess your mental processes as well. It's also part of their way of socializing to guess at how other people are thinking/feeling, so they do it automatically. This profound lack of knowledge of cognitive differences is also probably why your therapist assumes that therapy should be the same for everyone.


Agreed.

I'm always so amazed at how mindblind "NTs" are. No ability to understand anyone different from them at all lol :p


And here they say AS people are offensive and don't think about the social repercussion of what comes out of their mouths ...