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Adamantium
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04 Sep 2014, 9:10 pm

Jensen wrote:
It is a matter of being there every minute.


Yes!



OldManDax
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04 Sep 2014, 9:48 pm

Jensen wrote:
anna-banana wrote:
I can deal with it most of the time, but there are days when I?m so horrified I can hardly do anything to take my mind off of it.

I know we will all die and I?m generally ok with it (as in, I can see how mortality makes all things life worthwhile), but the longer I live the more time seems to speed up, I?m only in my early 30?s but already it?s pretty bad and it?s only going to get worse; at this rate, my 40s and 50s will just be gone in a poof of smoke.

I just went 61 and I can assure you, that time doesn´t disappear in a poof! It is a matter of being there every minute. Children are. Elderly people often seem to lose interest in life,- and their time goes "Pooff". As long as you wonder, what is behind the next hill,- even if you dread it, - time won´t escape you. Stay engaged.


Nice. True too. I'm 51 and right now I have lost my sense of wonder. I'm struggling to stay engaged. The last 6 years have been one big thing after another and it just keeps coming faster and harder. I just exhausted in every way. Right now these forums are helping me tread water until - hopefully - things start getting better. :cry:



mr_bigmouth_502
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04 Sep 2014, 11:46 pm

Kiprobalhato wrote:
mr_bigmouth_502 wrote:
I'm only 20 years old and I'm already kicking myself for wasting what many people would consider the best years of one's life. Adolescence was a long, painful transition for me, and just as soon as I was starting to get to grips with being a teenager, I became an adult, and next thing I know, I'm two f*****g decades old. My friends traveled the world, built relationships, finished high school, and started building careers, all while I spent the majority of my time f*****g around on the internet, and moping about things like my parents' divorce, the loss of my childhood, etc. I even dropped out of high school just because my mental health got to the point where I became a reclusive, delusional, nervous wreck. The things I'm starting to do now at 20 are the sort of things most people started doing at 15, and my 18/19-year-old friends are all way ahead of me. Hell, the friend whose family I moved in with just turned 17, and he's ten times the adult I'll ever be.

If I could do my childhood over, if I could do my teenage years over, I would f*****g do it.

i feel like this all the time, except the dropping out of HS part. i'm sick and tired of going to school and constantly being reminded of how inferior, ill prepared i am to everyone else. i find that literal earplugs help.
and i am already 17.
my bigmouth, i do not know you personally but you seem like a very smart guy to me. your posting style certainly is intelligent.

i hope it goes really well for you.


High school was hard for me, because I was thrust into it just as I was getting the hang of middle school, but unlike middle school, I never truly got the hang of high school. I purposefully took classes below my level just because I knew I could pass them, as I figured I would just upgrade later on, but now I regret making that decision. Between that, and the rapidly soaring social expectations which lead to my eventual ostracization, I too felt like an outsider, ill-prepared for the outside world compared to everyone else. Moving to a different town, and having to deal with my stepmother's family only made it worse.

A good set of headphones or earbuds can indeed block out annoying sounds, especially when you blare some nice, angry music. I don't know where the f**k I'd be if it weren't for bands like Nine Inch Nails, Metallica, KoRn... It does double duty by drowning out background noise AND providing a cathartic release. I owe my life to people like Kurt Cobain and Trent Reznor, as I would surely be driven to insanity without them.

I remember when I was 17, going on 18 in my first year of grade 12, I was extremely disheartened about the idea of becoming an adult. I wasn't ready to face the expectations of the adult world, and I was only starting to "get" how to be a teenager. It all came too soon, and the absolute only thing I liked about turning 18 was being able to purchase alcohol.

A lot of people tell me I'm an intelligent person, and while I believe it to a degree, I also think people give me far too much credit. My intelligence is above average at best, and I am lacking in matters of common sense. I am gifted in a few ways, but disadvantaged in many.

I hope things go better for me as well. Reality bites, and I often wish I could take the blue pill, but I am stuck in a red pill situation.



Jensen
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05 Sep 2014, 4:32 am

Dax, it sounds like you need a timeout. I had a couple of years like that too and felt, that I moved towards the end in fast pace, along with everything else - but at last, I handeled the crisis and found energy to look ahead...and the time got "longer" again.
As a younger person, I wasted years just like mr Bigmouth describes, - even in my thirties!
There is only one way.....try to look ahead and only examine the past, if something bothering comes up and has to be dealt with, - and it does at times.


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OldManDax
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05 Sep 2014, 11:10 am

Jensen wrote:
Dax, it sounds like you need a timeout. I had a couple of years like that too and felt, that I moved towards the end in fast pace, along with everything else - but at last, I handeled the crisis and found energy to look ahead...and the time got "longer" again.
As a younger person, I wasted years just like mr Bigmouth describes, - even in my thirties!
There is only one way.....try to look ahead and only examine the past, if something bothering comes up and has to be dealt with, - and it does at times.


Yeah. I have had something of a timeout from some of the issues that were due to where I was living. I actually moved to a different city to get some down time for those issues. All the other crises stemmed from internal angst and pain from how I was treated by my family. Unfortunately that stuff tends to stick with you no matter where you are until you find a way to resolve the problem or accept that it will never be resolved.

Moving away from the city where I had so much difficulty gave me some breathing room to deal with the other stuff without the "city" stuff cluttering up my head. I am now looking at how the issues in that "city" (which in all fairness to me is notorious for being extremely harsh on many levels) may be handled better in the future. I have many supportive friends there I miss. I just don't know if I can handle the harshness of that city. There is also something there that gives me hives! lol.

I don't need to decide about whether to go back or not right now since I still have five more months on my lease where I am now. I do plan to take a vacation to the "city" in November to visit friends and reassess the possibility of living there again. Right now I am diligently practicing my skills so that no matter where I go I will be able to function much better.



alpineglow
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05 Sep 2014, 8:17 pm

InTheDeepEnd wrote:
My dad turned 61 on April 8, 2014.
He died 10 days later. No one expected that.
I turned 40 about 40 days after he died.

This all drove home for me the fact that it is egotistical to think we are going to live even 1 more day much less another decade, or two, or three. I used to have a lot of existential dread. I have decided that this, here, right now IS the point. So be here now, wherever that is for you, whether it's good or bad. If you look around and into the past and future and see no point it's because you're standing on it. Like looking for your glasses and discovering them on your face.


^ this is so succinct and spot on. i lost someone important to me unexpectedly and it had the same effect on me after i got done falling apart.



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24 Sep 2014, 1:53 pm

I go to sleep or wake up thinking to my self "Holy $#!T I am going to die!". I assume that is what you mean by "Existential Dread".

I am 62, and I have had this "Existential Dread" for a number of years. Why?

I spent my early years just trying to fit in, and not knowing why I didn't fit in. Eventually I just wanted to "Get through it" knowing it will get better, because I can figure it out. I never did.

I was always out of step with people my age. I finished high school at 13, got my first college degrees at 17 and since school was the only safe place I knew, I didn't quit school until I was 35 or so.

Before I knew it I was an adult, with no friends, no family who I really wanted to speak to, and no accomplishments. I had no real job skills. My peers had 10 years more experience. They had kids. They had houses while I could still pack all my possessions in the back seat and trunk of my car.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's after one of my melt downs. It was in public, and it wasn't pretty. It did have a profound affect on my life. I found out why I am the way I am. I found out I was not alone with this thing. I had to rethink everything I have done, and what I can expect in the future. That had to wait, because there were always more interesting things to do and think about. Plenty of time to figure out the future.

I am loosing friends and people I know, because they are dieing. Cancer and heart problems seem to take more and more of them. Old age hasn't taken many, but that will come. Once they are gone, it is as if they never existed. I know I knew them, but I don't feel anything but annoyance, because they aren't here now and I cant talk to them.

I am not religious, so I don't think there is an afterlife. Nobody has come up with a convincing argument for one. I think people believe in an afterlife, because they like us have no idea why they are here and are scared spitless of death. So to keep from freaking out as we approach our own mortality, afterlife seems like a pretty good idea.

Most of the time I am wrapped up in what ever interesting thing I am working on, until I run out of energy and lie in bed staring at the ceiling, I wonder what it will be like to not exist.


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ASPartOfMe
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24 Sep 2014, 11:41 pm

Turned 57 last weekend. My upcoming elderly years is my existential dread these days. Still home. Parents will be gone sooner then later. I can see myself out in the street denied disability, with congestive heart failure, cancer arthritis etc etc. I really don't have the money to be engaging with the health system like I should.

I always figured I might be hit by car tomorrow, the worst will happen etc. But when that repeatedly did not happen and I found ways to avoid the worst what I feared that eased the dread a lot. The expression I used to snicker at "It will turn out all right in the end" really came true. I find it hard to think of a how I will avoid the combination of aging, and how the economy, social structures are particularly aspie-unfriendly these days.

While the not so distant future looks dim right now in some ways my life has a never been better. By finding out who I really was last year I have found this place and support groups. Aspergers-Autism what ever you want to call it is not a bunch of diagnostic criteria on a piece of paper to us because we have lived it for decades. I do feel a responsibility to pass on what I can to the younger members. And I have noticed a lot of them look up to us because we have lived it with no recognition and support and are still here. After supporting me my parents need help from me it it's great to give it.

But of course despite all the experience there are plenty of times we don't have the answers and need help too. That is why this section is the best on this sight.


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Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 26 Sep 2014, 12:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

alpineglow
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25 Sep 2014, 9:51 pm

^ off topic - sort of - but a late happy birthday to you.



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26 Sep 2014, 12:18 am

alpineglow wrote:
^ off topic - sort of - but a late happy birthday to you.

Well, Thank you


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26 Sep 2014, 1:01 am

Based on the title, I thought this was going to be about existential anxiety. That's much more of an issue for me.

I think about dying quite often, but it doesn't scare me as much as the thought of growing old.
I suppose if I do make it to be a senior citizen I'll feel ancient, as I have a rather warped sense of time.
I swear each year feels like at least two. I only graduated high school 7 years ago, and I feel like it's been at least twice as long.



evelusive
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25 Oct 2014, 7:21 pm

The thought of ceasing to exist scares me no end, there will be so much that I miss out on, the one thought that gives me comfort is that I highly suspect I will not be aware of my lack at the time and this thought/mantra seems to make me feel better. I am more scared of the process of dying and the dreadful anticipation this entails than the thought of actually being dead, I just hope I go quick, and until then will proceed to live from obsession to obsession.



cynemun
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06 Nov 2014, 8:24 am

Try thinking of it this way. We have all experienced non-existence already, before we were born, and it is most likely that our non-existence after we die will be experienced in the same way. What is it that you are frightened of exactly?



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06 Nov 2014, 10:13 am

I'm frightened of the inertia of death, the lack of consciousness of death.

Are you in control of yourself once you die?



Adamantium
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12 Nov 2014, 9:13 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I'm frightened of the inertia of death, the lack of consciousness of death.

Are you in control of yourself once you die?


I think Cynemun has it right. You will have all the same control issues you had before you were conceived... so there is nothing to worry about.