I want to go back to school but I'm afraid of failing again

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I barely graduated from high school due to poor executive function (now I know what to call it!) and apathy towards school due to depression and boredom and anxiety. After awhile, I didn't really care. My ACT test scores were top 10th percentile, but I graduated with a C average (2.5 GPA).

College was more difficult. The first time I almost graduated. My focus was on one of my obsessions (theology), so staying interested was easy, plus I was living with my ultra-extroverted cousin who understood me and was able to help me with the more social aspects of college. Because of this support, I had a lot of fun and quite a few friends, but the social requirements were taking their toll. I was on my last semester when I was sent home because of Hurricane Ivan and my overprotective mother. My momentum was derailed, and I didn't make it back.

I tried to get a degree online after that. Twice. Failed both times. Same problems I had in high school: after a few weeks of trying to keep things going, I just didn't care anymore. I really wanted to care, but I didn't know how to. I had a hard time focusing on the assignments and couldn't get the work done. Even the online participation was challenging. I am still paying for some of those classes...

I figured I'd try again because I really like learning, so I relocated to another state again to try a new school similar to the first one I attended. I couldn't afford classes right away, so I was planning on working through the first semester and attending the next one.
I moved in with an old roommate from my first attempt at college. She was just as extroverted as my cousin, but she didn't understand me as well and pushed me too hard. I didn't understand me, either, and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't just fit in normally. I had an opportunity to work with the audio/video department that broadcast globally 24/7, which was huge for me. I had experience in this area in both schools I attended previously, so this was a great opportunity, but I couldn't handle sitting in a room with 2 or 3 strangers. My anxiety would kick in and I would go mute or weird or whatever. I lasted two weeks, then I never went back. (Which is really sad because it was so much fun! )
I never attended any classes at that school. Couldn't afford the classes with the crappy job I had. I was considering even just auditing them since I was more interested in the knowledge than the degree, but...there were too many people. I didn't know how to act around my roommate's friends or the teachers. I ended up sinking into the deepest depression yet until I finally quit my job and moved back to my parents' house.

I've recently discovered how shockingly similar I am to people with high-functioning autism, although I will likely never be able to get a professional diagnosis (no way I could afford it). Understanding the reason why I've been having these problems and hearing about people with the same problems who have been able to overcome these obstacles and be successful is very encouraging.

However, I still feel stuck. I do want to go back to school, I'm just afraid of the cycle of failure that's plagued me since high school.

Any pointers, suggestions, or other comments would be appreciated.

(...honestly, it felt really good just getting that off my chest! )

How many credits do you have towards your degree?

The school I first attended was a ministry school that was founded by a large church, and it wasn't accredited. The school closed down a year after the hurricane hit.

I might be able to transfer some credits if I go to another school founded by a church of the same denomination. There is one on the east coast, I think, so that is definitely a possibility...although given my issues with people, I don't know what I'd actually do with a diploma from a ministry school...lol. Not only that, but I've discovered recently that my personal take on theology doesn't really fit mainstream Christianity. It's a huge obsession of mine, but I'm not sure how I could turn it into a career.

My second attempt at college was in web design. I messed around with HTML on my own back when MySpace was cool, so I figured it would be fun. I thought the online courses could help me avoid anxiety in classrooms, but I didn't get very far. I lost interest in it quickly. Quit before the end of the semester.

Third time, I was like "I just need a degree in something!" so I took some general courses at a different college. Tried online again (I think it was cheaper?), but I ran into the same problem and quit before the semester was over.

Looking back, I can see that most of the problems I had were related to those aspie traits I can identify with: isolation due to social issues leading to chronic depression, inability to plan ahead or follow through with my plans due to poor executive function, and difficulty staying focused on things I wasn't really interested in or pulling my focus away from those things I was obsessed with that were getting in my way...

I feel like I understand the battle I've been fighting a bit more, I just...have no idea what to do next. Also, I feel like whatever coping skills I'd managed to develop through grade school have been lost in the past few years as I've gotten quite a bit more reclusive. I can't fake it anymore. I do have a full time job (@$11/hr), but I don't get out much besides that. Other than church, occasionally, though I usually just find an excuse to watch it online...

Anyway, I guess I'm just afraid that know why I'm stuck isn't enough to help me get out...

Right there with you Starbead! Tried out college 3 times now, dropped out every time. I have no problem with going through textbooks on my own time, however it's very inefficient compared to full/part time school. I can never follow through when school work is forced on me, and I have an incredibly difficult time with written work. I've tried seeing several therapists (before considering ASD for myself) with the intent of addressing my problems as a learning disability. The problem is that every therapist (and I stayed with each therapist for several months at a time) labeled me as highly intelligent and wouldn't take me seriously when I said that I struggle with school; they saw it as a motivation issue that I'd have to eventually choose to get over (if I were to ever get over it). Problem is, like you mentioned, how does one use executive functions that are dysfunctional to achieve the goals of a healthy executive function? We see people such as Temple Grandin not only succeed, but thrive. A key component to her (and many others whom I've read about with [normally] debilitating mental conditions) success is one or several key figures who worked with them on their own terms. This is not something I had the fortune to encounter, and it seems to be the case for a good many people on this forum.

A huge focus has been put on early intervention for people who fit ASD (as there should be), but I'm curious whether anyone has any experience or know of resources for those who did not have the fortune to encounter any such interventions (both formal and non-formal, such as Grandin's science teacher). Any advice for those who did not develop structured habits for success, but are looking for ways to succeed anyways, but at a post-kid age?

THIS ^ It's good to know that someone else can relate!

I feel like I'm stuck in a pit with high, flat walls and everyone at the top says "just climb out", and I'm like, "yeah, ok...how?"


I rarely turned in my homework in school. Sometimes I would try to finish it, but I just couldn't concentrate on the subject, even if it was an easy one. My mind would keep wandering to things unrelated to what I was working on, and an assignment that should take 20 minutes takes much, much longer. (I have the same problem with forum posts, apparently! While writing this paragraph, I zoned out for about 15 minutes. lol)

If I can focus on a subject, it's a razor focus. But I don't know how to get that level of focus if I'm not interested in the subject at the time. For example, I spent half of yesterday studying Japanese. I'm fascinated by languages, especially Japanese and Hebrew. I've been trying to teach myself Japanese, but it comes in spurts, like yesterday. It was triggered by a casual search for tattoo ideas, and I ended up spending several hours memorizing hiragana and expanding my vocabulary. It was really awesome...except I missed out on church and plans to see a movie with my friend. I just couldn't stop reading. I finally quit due to exhaustion (I passed out on the couch).

what is your age OP?