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ElsaFlowers
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24 Aug 2014, 8:42 am

auntblabby wrote:
ElsaFlowers wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
Image
a pithy quote from the inimitable ted turner sticks in my mind- "life is kinda like a b-grade movie, in that while I would not walk out on it before it was over, neither again would I choose to see it again." I will tell you that until recently, the only thing that kept me in the game called life, is my strong belief that if I prematurely ended it, I would only have to do it over at some point, probably with no better circumstances at best. so I had better just get this lifetime done and over with so that I never have to worry about it anymore. in the meantime I had to learn how to love the reflection in the mirror, warts and all, no matter what. that was the single thing I could do that made this life one that I could stick around to see how it unfolded. judging by your writing I must conclude that you have more than enough mental and psychological horsepower to do the same thing. IOW be more stubborn and show more fight than your demons, because if you give up then they win. I know you can do it and furthermore I know that you SHOULD do it. please stick around, because with you in the world the tapestry of life is more complex and interesting, each of us contributes to the hope made out of fellow travelers. so if you should leave ahead of time life for those of us who knew you even fleetingly, will be diminished in color and there will be a little less hope in this world.

if you need to talk you are always free to PM me if you wish. :)


Good post! I too feel similarly since I read Dr Michael Newtons books ( I remember you previously said you read them) I wonder how many people have been prevented from ending their lives because of his books

:) thanx :) i know at least one did.


Make that 2 including me :) I will be really annoyed if when I die I find out this is not true and I could have got out of this much sooner :lol: However I will not take the risk of having to repeat my dreadful life when I'm already about halfway through it or more.



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24 Aug 2014, 9:58 am

Spectacles wrote:
Roobot wrote:
I thought tarentellas post was really helpful actually. It was the one where she listed the things shed never imagined she'd do when she was 31 right? That actually embarrassed me because of how much more constructive and helpful it was than mine. Pity she deleted it.


I didn't get to see it before it got deleted and now am really curious (jealous! :)) what it said. But I respect her privacy and am glad it was helpful.


To be honest, I did feel a bit ambivalent about tarantella's post, because on one hand, it can be inspiring to hear how someone turned his/her life around, on the other hand from what she wrote, for example about her career, it's clear to me that she's a much more functional person than I am (and if I read her profile right, she's not on the autism spectrum), so it doesn't give me a lot of confidence that I'll be able to do something similar.
I feel like in many areas of life, I'm excluded from something that is both essential and yet something I don't really want, and that no matter how hard I try, I can't communicate with people in a way that feels true to me and allows them to actually see and understand me. There's this gulf between my experience and what other people experience as reality, and as a result, people misunderstand or simply don't realize what I'm trying to express, which always emphasizes the distance between me and other people.

Also, I'm very conflicted about goals. On one hand, I want to contribute to the world and I want independence. On the other hand, I don't really want a career. I think 95.371% of paid work, especially that done in offices, is meaningless, often harmful, and ultimately simply not really worth doing. It's a waste to spend your life on it, yet everybody does it and is OK with it, even when the circumstances under which the work is done mean that it'll cost you your health and sanity. This whole thing is just so draining, just like so many other things in life. Now, I understand that a lot of people aren't perfectly happy with their jobs, but they have the coping skills to enjoy life despite that, or they have the ability to change things in a better direction.
Because of my psychological makeup, I don't have the coping skills necessary for life and I also have far fewer options than the average person, even though it might look like I have all the options other people have. The thread title is still a good summary - I probably have similar problems to many people, I'm just not able to handle them as well, and thus everything is too difficult to me, even though on the outside, people often get the impression I'm capable or smart.
The fact is that once you have a reached a certain threshold of problems in your life, everything gravitates towards more problems, and you find yourself getting worse despite doing everything in your power to fix the problems. Since all of that is an invisible process and nobody can see the forces that are pulling you here and there, nobody quite understands, which will often result in comments implying that maybe it would help to just get over yourself.

Anyway, if I can find a psychiatrist that agrees with my assessment of my psychological issues, I'll try some of the more risky meds to see if that'll make a difference, and I'll stick it out until then. I'm rather pessimistic, but I've come this far, so why not give that a try before I call it quits.


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Spectacles
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24 Aug 2014, 11:27 am

LookTwice wrote:
Anyway, if I can find a psychiatrist that agrees with my assessment of my psychological issues, I'll try some of the more risky meds to see if that'll make a difference, and I'll stick it out until then. I'm rather pessimistic, but I've come this far, so why not give that a try before I call it quits.


Meds can be helpful, even life changing for some people. It can take a little while to find the right meds/dosage, which can be frustrating, but it can be well worth the wait.

As for work, I'm not sure how physically able you are, but have you looked into doing something outside, maybe park maintenance or something of that sort? I hear it can be very therapeutic.



auntblabby
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24 Aug 2014, 4:08 pm

ElsaFlowers wrote:
Make that 2 including me :) I will be really annoyed if when I die I find out this is not true and I could have got out of this much sooner :lol: However I will not take the risk of having to repeat my dreadful life when I'm already about halfway through it or more.

halfway through? :) the rest will be a cakewalk :bounce: :dj:



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26 Aug 2014, 8:54 pm

If you give up there is zero chance of improvement. If you don't give up as small or even infinitesimal chance of improvement as there may be, it is greater then zero.


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LookTwice
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27 Aug 2014, 9:26 am

Unfortunately that formula only works out that way if you don't include the pain variable in it. What good is an improvement from sh***y to slightly less sh***y?


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27 Aug 2014, 11:24 am

I've struggled since you posted this to find the right words LookTwice, regardless i wanted to reply and say don?t give up. Life can knock you to the ground, kick you while your down and pin you there, there is no way to avoid it, I understand that.

Do you remember what you were like as a kid? I step outside myself/look at a picture and remember a sweet, innocent, gentle child, full of potential, and it disgusts me to think of how she was wronged as she grew. The wrongs have caused much pain and sadness, they were outside my control, I took hope from understanding the scars. What I can try to control is this moment, and then the next etc, its what i do when i feel that hope is lost, that and remembering myself as a child, remembering that I?m still that person, I have no desire to harm her. This world has caused enough of that.



Here
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27 Aug 2014, 12:44 pm

LookTwice wrote:
I considered posting in this thread: When life doesn't come out like you hoped..., but since the OP was 21, I felt this might warrant a separate thread.


I'm in my early thirties now and things just aren't working out. I'm considering throwing in the towel and I'm looking for rational arguments against that. I'm not expecting too much from this, just trying to make sure I don't miss anything. From my perspective, things look very bleak ? my life consists of way too much suffering and way too little joy and passion. This has been my experience for many years now (arguably all my life), and the hope of things getting better which I clung to in my twenties (before I understood about my Asperger's) is gone now. You can't change the ASD aspect, and the levels of stress I've been living with for all my life have had lasting changes on my brain, which is also unlikely to change unless my life somehow gets less stressful.

I suffer from various debilitating comorbids ? atypical depression, possible bipolar II, social anxiety / avoidant personality disorder. I also have issues with physical health, although a lot of that is probably psychosomatic.
I'm suffering from very high levels of internal stress, and it's starting to become a real possibility that I'll lose my part-time job because of it. Full-time isn't even a consideration for me anymore, I just can't handle it. I also can't handle job interviews, so if I lose that job, I'll probably never work again, at least not in the profession I got a degree for. I doubt I'd ever make it anywhere else if I can't handle the thing that's supposedly my strength.

I suffer from crippling loneliness which means I can't enjoy life ? I love nature and the outdoors, but I hardly ever go out anymore because I feel so lost when I do, which is worse than not going out in the first place. I used to travel with my girlfriend. She abandoned me a while back now, and I haven't recovered from that.
My family doesn't get me. I don't have any friends and I never feel comfortable enough around strangers to actually make friends. The only way this could happen if someone persisted in wanting to get to know me, which is highly unlikely because I'm bad at expressing myself (this doesn't show as much in writing) and thus I'm boring and weird. By extension, I won't find another girlfriend either.

It seems to me that life should be lived with passion and that while pain is a necessary part of life, it should also be fun. Possibly due to my bipolar tendencies, I can't stand the lukewarm life. I want to explore and experience things, read some Foucault, Soseki and Dostoyevsky, live in Japan and Canada for a while, but I'm too overwhelmed and sad to actually do things.

So .. I don't know if it's a comprehensive argument, but this is what I'm thinking. I could go on, but I'm sure it's already too long for many. Taking all that into consideration, I just don't see the point in trying anymore. I'm so exhausted and I just want a break. I feel like the best case scenario is finding the right meds to become somewhat emotionally stable, then relying on escapism in various forms to not think about life too much. But a life that consists of avoidance only and does not correspond to the my values doesn't seem very enticing. I'll practically just be waiting for my body to fall apart eventually, so even if I manage to block out most of the pain, there just isn't enough on the positive side to make it worthwhile.


Note that I'm not interested in any of the following arguments against giving up:
- it's selfish because you'll hurt others (I'm aware of the problem)
- life is a beautiful gift, you just have to open your eyes (my experience is all I have and it while I'm able to see beauty, overall it just doesn't agree with this)
- you don't know what will happen (I'm too old to believe in magical fairy dust just around the corner)

Thanks for any input.


Please consider seeking professional assistance.

Database of Therapists. Searches allow focus on specific areas of expertise.
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

Best Wishes.



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28 Aug 2014, 3:26 am

Re: pain -- well, it sort of depends on how long the improvement takes, no?

I agree with you completely about the worthlessness of most work. But the coping bit is another issue, and it seems to me that two things are helpful there:

1. having a setup that allows you not to be panicked about how you're going to continue to be housed and fed;

2. being much, much easier on yourself and allowing for the fact that yeah, this is a problem for you and one you have to live with.

Being seen for yourself is a problem that tends to go away as you get older. NTs feel it too. The problem is that almost nobody is seen for who he or she really is; people aren't that interested and understanding. Eventually it becomes less important. I can't say I know a single person who really gets me. There are friends who get this part of me or that. But...mm, no, nobody who has the whole picture.



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28 Aug 2014, 7:06 am

Slighly less sh***y is slightly less smelly.

Slightly less sh***y could be the "scaffolding" needed to make things even lesssh***y.



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28 Aug 2014, 11:28 pm

I am so incredibly sorry you are feeling this way. I understand so much of what you are going through. I feel exactly the same way 99% of the time. There are very few occasions during a week that I feel some pleasure/joy?the rest of the time the stress, loneliness and anger I feel towards life and everyone around me (except my son), but especially my husband and my family is unbearable. Somedays I feel like I am just wasting away, day by day going by, not really living at all. It's like one day turns into the next and I just hope that eventually it is all over.

I hate that you feel so helpless and lonely too. It is a horrible feeling. The BS from family and friends who claim "will always be there when you need them" is exactly that, just BS. I try constantly to be nice to people and make friends, but I never feel they do the same with me.

Things were very different many years ago when I worked and was not married. I was a very happy person who had lots to look forward to, although I had a very little to do with my family?

If it wasn't because my husband is such a louse piece of irresponsible crap, I would not be here because I worry every single day that when I am gone my son will suffer as his dad is such a loser. I blame myself every single day for giving that as a father to my son?my son deserved much better.

Hugs?I get it.



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28 Aug 2014, 11:37 pm

hey man right there with you . Im 23 and for the last few years ive been in purgatory. Couldnt say I was alivecouldnt say I was dead. Ive just been totally hollowed out. I never thought that I would wake up and actually look forward to a new day. Do you have your own world that you can escape to? That is so so important for us aspies.


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My history on this forum preserves my old and unregenerate self. In the years since I posted here I have undergone many changes. I accept responsibility for my posts but I no longer stand behind them.
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29 Aug 2014, 5:53 pm

LookTwice wrote:
I considered posting in this thread: When life doesn't come out like you hoped..., but since the OP was 21, I felt this might warrant a separate thread.


I'm in my early thirties now and things just aren't working out. I'm considering throwing in the towel and I'm looking for rational arguments against that. I'm not expecting too much from this, just trying to make sure I don't miss anything. From my perspective, things look very bleak ? my life consists of way too much suffering and way too little joy and passion. This has been my experience for many years now (arguably all my life), and the hope of things getting better which I clung to in my twenties (before I understood about my Asperger's) is gone now. You can't change the ASD aspect, and the levels of stress I've been living with for all my life have had lasting changes on my brain, which is also unlikely to change unless my life somehow gets less stressful.

I suffer from various debilitating comorbids ? atypical depression, possible bipolar II, social anxiety / avoidant personality disorder. I also have issues with physical health, although a lot of that is probably psychosomatic.
I'm suffering from very high levels of internal stress, and it's starting to become a real possibility that I'll lose my part-time job because of it. Full-time isn't even a consideration for me anymore, I just can't handle it. I also can't handle job interviews, so if I lose that job, I'll probably never work again, at least not in the profession I got a degree for. I doubt I'd ever make it anywhere else if I can't handle the thing that's supposedly my strength.

I suffer from crippling loneliness which means I can't enjoy life ? I love nature and the outdoors, but I hardly ever go out anymore because I feel so lost when I do, which is worse than not going out in the first place. I used to travel with my girlfriend. She abandoned me a while back now, and I haven't recovered from that.
My family doesn't get me. I don't have any friends and I never feel comfortable enough around strangers to actually make friends. The only way this could happen if someone persisted in wanting to get to know me, which is highly unlikely because I'm bad at expressing myself (this doesn't show as much in writing) and thus I'm boring and weird. By extension, I won't find another girlfriend either.

It seems to me that life should be lived with passion and that while pain is a necessary part of life, it should also be fun. Possibly due to my bipolar tendencies, I can't stand the lukewarm life. I want to explore and experience things, read some Foucault, Soseki and Dostoyevsky, live in Japan and Canada for a while, but I'm too overwhelmed and sad to actually do things.

So .. I don't know if it's a comprehensive argument, but this is what I'm thinking. I could go on, but I'm sure it's already too long for many. Taking all that into consideration, I just don't see the point in trying anymore. I'm so exhausted and I just want a break. I feel like the best case scenario is finding the right meds to become somewhat emotionally stable, then relying on escapism in various forms to not think about life too much. But a life that consists of avoidance only and does not correspond to the my values doesn't seem very enticing. I'll practically just be waiting for my body to fall apart eventually, so even if I manage to block out most of the pain, there just isn't enough on the positive side to make it worthwhile.


Note that I'm not interested in any of the following arguments against giving up:
- it's selfish because you'll hurt others (I'm aware of the problem)
- life is a beautiful gift, you just have to open your eyes (my experience is all I have and it while I'm able to see beauty, overall it just doesn't agree with this)
- you don't know what will happen (I'm too old to believe in magical fairy dust just around the corner)

Thanks for any input.


If it helps, I've been there. My therapist says to never give up hope! So, I say, "Don't give up hope!" Last week, I was hospitalized with a crippling, catatonic depression. My mom took me to the emergency room where I was voluntarily admitted. Probably saved my life and gave me something to hope for. Don't quit .... keep on punching :-)



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30 Aug 2014, 6:21 pm

It's becoming more and more clear to me that there are two major things that I need to get better. One is mood stabilizing medication so I don't break down all the time and then have pick up the pieces and build from scratch. Things did get better many times in the past, but there's little value to it if there is no continuous progress. It's very demoralizing having to tell yourself to take small steps, year after year.

The other issue is that I need loving relationships in my life - not many, maybe only one. I'm tired of doing this on my own, I'm just not able to enjoy life like this. I need someone to team up with.

I don't need psychotherapy - these guys always maintain their professional distance, and I really don't need sterile, logical advice anymore. If anything, I'd need someone to take me by my hand, help me do things, engage me on a personal level despite my lack of social reciprocity, show me that I'm a decent guy you can actually enjoy being around. I'd rather pay some sort of actress $20K to do that instead of paying a psychotherapist $120/hr to sit in his chair and "let me guide the therapy". Maybe I should try that. Other guys pay for sex, why shouldn't I pay to have someone resocialize me ...


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30 Aug 2014, 9:03 pm

LookTwice wrote:
It's becoming more and more clear to me that there are two major things that I need to get better. One is mood stabilizing medication so I don't break down all the time and then have pick up the pieces and build from scratch. Things did get better many times in the past, but there's little value to it if there is no continuous progress. It's very demoralizing having to tell yourself to take small steps, year after year.

The other issue is that I need loving relationships in my life - not many, maybe only one. I'm tired of doing this on my own, I'm just not able to enjoy life like this. I need someone to team up with.

I don't need psychotherapy - these guys always maintain their professional distance, and I really don't need sterile, logical advice anymore. If anything, I'd need someone to take me by my hand, help me do things, engage me on a personal level despite my lack of social reciprocity, show me that I'm a decent guy you can actually enjoy being around. I'd rather pay some sort of actress $20K to do that instead of paying a psychotherapist $120/hr to sit in his chair and "let me guide the therapy". Maybe I should try that. Other guys pay for sex, why shouldn't I pay to have someone resocialize me ...


Dont forget youve got Wrong Planet! Always here from you and we're not paid to care.... we genuinely care :D


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My history on this forum preserves my old and unregenerate self. In the years since I posted here I have undergone many changes. I accept responsibility for my posts but I no longer stand behind them.
__________________
And He is the radiance of His glory and the exact representation of His nature, and upholds all things by the word of His power When He had made purification of sins, He sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high Hebrews 1:3


LookTwice
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30 Aug 2014, 9:47 pm

Ectryon wrote:
Dont forget youve got Wrong Planet! Always here from you and we're not paid to care.... we genuinely care :D


Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that people take the time to post something in here, but in many ways it's not better than imaginary friends for me. I really need people to be part of my life, people I can trust. I find it next to impossible to trust anyone online since people tend to just vanish into thin air. It's my impression that relationships with strangers on the internet are the first to go when real life demands attention, way before people in the real life are left behind. And even that happens a lot.


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