Aspie Girlfriend and dating a single dad (me)

Post Reply New Topic

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 8 months now. We met on an online dating site, and she knew from day 1 that I have 3 kids from a previous marriage. She is 23, I am 27. I am head over heels for her and she, for me. Our relationship started out rocky, with me trying to understand the ways of an Aspie, but I am very patient and understanding of her difficulties. I am learning the things that I need to do and say in order to alleviate any major meltdowns. The only issue we have at this point, is the fact that she is so young and I have 3 kids. I know it is not easy to deal with, for anybody at anytime, and do everything I can to show her that I understand. She is amazing with my kids, and tells them she loves them all the time. It melts my heart to see her doing things like that. Both my parents, and her parents are elated that we have found each other and that we make each other happy. She talks about future plans, such as kids and marriage, which tells me that she is in it for the long haul. My question is, should I be seriously concerned about her finding me 'unattractive' that I have 3 kids? Should I be worried that she may leave me because I have my kids (I only see them 2 days out of the week). I know she is unhappy about her body image, and is working hard to correct it, so could she be deflecting her frustrations about her body image onto the issue with me having kids? She seems positive about our future at times, and unsure at others. I don't want to lose her!

Is she saying she's unhappy about the fact that you have kids?

she says that she doesn't like the FACT that I have 3 kids, but believes that it is something she can overcome.

You've already gone rocketing past this, but may I suggest that you and she slow down? And involve her less with the children before they're tightly bonded to her?

You're hoping she'll be a stepmom, which is one of the most difficult, thankless jobs I know of. The dynamics often change markedly when a stepmom has her own kid with the stepkids' dad, too. You really need to slow down here and be thinking carefully, both of you, about what a decade or so of stepparenting really means. Do some research, see if this is something she really can handle, think about contingencies.

Consider: If something happens to the kids' mom, is your gf prepared to be at least three children's full-time mom? Or does the thought make her want to run away? Is she willing to make sacrifices involving her own child in order to help provide for yours? How will she deal if one or more of the kids goes through a phase or develops behavioral issues -- will she have the maturity to keep on being a good stepmom, or will the sense of just not liking this kid override everything?

Consider: if she's having major meltdowns around the kids, how do you think the kids' mom is going to react? How do you think it will affect your kids?

Stepmoms need to be *extremely mature*. If they're not, and they're careless with the kids' emotions as the pressures mount, they can do real damage. As can a dad who's anxious to keep a girlfriend. She's only 23, which is very young to be in this role to three children.

I think there's a lot here you need to think through. But I also think that sloooowing down will help you do that.

Fortunately, we are slowing down right now. I am separating the time I get with the kids into days where it is more one on one. Also, she said it is only ther ages (1,2 1\2, 4) that she doesn't like and if we had them full time she would be less stressed out. Thanks for the input though!

The very fact that she says "If we had them full time I'd be less stressed out" - is worrying to me. It's not true. Kids by their very nature are stressful. Especially young kids and especially 3 of them. It's just a fact of life. That doesn't mean there isn't a great deal of joy from being with kids and having kids. I say this as a parent.

Young kids, even older kids, don't understand why a parent or person in a parental role is having a meltdown or is withdrawing from them. I can see the effect my aspie husband's behaviour has on my son and he's his natural father.

All of this. Right now your gf has lots of time on her own, can de-stress, have quiet, etc. If you were together and had them fulltime? Or married and you were expecting her to take a usual partner role, where you take over for each other now and then? She'd be seeing much more stress. She may also have some sort of hypothetical ideas about how she'd discipline them or get them in line... as you know, that'd be very, very hypothetical.

You guys are both really pretty young, frankly, but the people who need you the most right now are those three kids. When you're with them, you really need to be with them, and not worrying about what your gf thinks or wants. And things need to be set up to accommodate them, not her. That'll be true for several years at least. Having "date time" sounds like a good idea, and I'd not push for anything more for quite a long time -- frankly, your kids don't need to be involved in your dating life unless the two of you are really sure that you want to be a permanent thing, like married permanent, and see that it's realistic.

In the meantime you ought to read up on stepmom life and see what goes on there. A classic mistake a lot of women make is to rush in and love up the kids to show how great they are with family and how much they support the dad. It's a huge overcommitment of their energy, and not only does it lead to premature bonding with the kids, but the woman often finds she really can't and doesn't want to keep up that level of involvement, and comes to resent the expectation that she will. Particularly if she finds she doesn't really get along all that well or easily with one or more of the kids. Nor do most women expect how much the ex-wife's going to be part of their lives. So...yeah, educate yourself a bit on how these things generally go, save yourself and everyone else some trouble.

Thank you! All of you! This has helped tremendously. My GF and I are taking things slow (as much as we can at this point) and I am telling her that she needs to focus on her own happiness. Once she is happy with herself, the happiness about us will follow. Until then, she can't try to juggle too many things at once, else she will get overwhelmed and want to run away to a place she is even more scared of. I hope things work out, more for her sake than anything else. I can handle heart break. I know that she may feel guilty for the feelings that she has and the thoughts in her head, but like her parents have told her, she needs to be happy with the situation herself and not worry about other people (easier said then done, i know). I know she is perfect for me and she states that I am perfect for her. things are getting a little better now, and I hope our lives are out of the rocky road we were caught on. Thank you again!