Why speak when no one listens?

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Just wondered if anyone here has felt or feels the same way. In some of the online screening instruments and in other articles and such I read about AS, it mentions an almost compulsory tendency to dominate a conversation or a need to speak until one has said all they need to. Perhaps this was the case for me when I was younger, but now I almost have a tendency to not say anything at all even if the topic somehow relates to a special interest. I'm starting to think that this is because I've almost been conditioned not to by responses and reactions I've gotten during these times. Thus my thread title, "Why speak when no one listens?"

As an example of this I went out of town with my family today to do some shopping. My brother-in-law and my father began a conversation about the previous day's football games, local games and championships, rivalries, etc. I had been quietly listening and not really taking part in the conversation when I began to question why people in general become so fanatical about sporting events and find them so entertaining. I thought it might have something to do with the vicarious nature of joining in with the given team's successes or failures. I asked my father simply "Do you think things like sports, television and movie dramas and such are so entertaining because we tend to live vicariously through those experiences?" His response was a very curt "I don't know" that clearly indicated there was no point in going further with that topic.

It seems like I get this a lot in my daily life. I guess I happen to be more genuinely inquisitive about the nature of what most seem to take for granted. I don't know if this comes across as rude or boring to others, but it's obviously not something they want to talk about so I'm usually 'shot down' before I can even begin. Most times now I'll just suppress the urge to say something because I know what to expect in response. If someone's not going to take the time or effort to listen to something I have to say, why bother saying it in the first place?

Have you heard that old phrase "it's not what you say it's the way that you say it."

They were excitedly talking about sports because they enjoy it. They probably know that you dont' feel the same way. Your input into the conversation was probably well meant, but it probably sounded to them like you were criticising them or like you were analysin them like they were low life loosers living their lives through the lives of other people rather than living their own lives.

I understand where you are coming from with your comment because I like analysing things too, but be careful not to make people feel like you are treating them like a test subject.

Conversation is really difficult sometimes, so I know what you're saying. I do hold back a lot of the time. Some friends were having a conversation on Facebook yesterday and I could see a flaw in their logic, but I had to hold back. No one would have appreciated what I had to say, so I didn't say it.

In some of the online screening instruments and in other articles and such I read about AS, it mentions an almost compulsory tendency to dominate a conversation or a need to speak until one has said all they need to

This was one of the reasons why I dismissed the possibility of having Asperger's for so long. According to the articles I checked, it seemed that having Asperger's required you to be a monomaniac, expounding on your preferred subject of conversation at great length while ignoring the glazed eyes around you.

I have been pretty much the exact opposite all my life. I'm all too conscious of boring people, more so than many a so-called NT person it would seem. Maybe it's a hangover from my childhood, where I would be ridiculed for the smallest things. I learnt that my feedback was not welcome; I literally felt like an invisible and unconnected presence in the world. Whatever the origin, to this day I remain secretive about my interests and hardly talk to anyone except my mum.

I suppose I used to have a bit of tendency to dominate online threads though... >.>

His response was a very curt "I don't know" that clearly indicated there was no point in going further with that topic.

Obviously didn't want to be forced to think about it. I think to be a football fan you have to be in denial on some level, as what else can explain the absurd rivalries over "local" teams that consist mainly of players from abroad?

Last edited by NiceCupOfTea on 31 Aug 2014, 3:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can relate to this.

Yes I thought that at first too, I was discussing this with my therapist a couple of days ago. While the tendency to monologue can be an underlying factor in ASD, and I notice I do do it on those rare occasions someone sounds genuinely interested in one of my interests, the vast majority of the time I am very quiet and reserved because I know my input is never appreciated. I think I learnt this from a very early age. I notice I've built an effort barrier to talking/making friends. They have to make considerable effort or I don't think I'm wanted and don't bother to reciprocate.

Yeah, I understand. When I was younger and used to talk over other people, it was a matter of being excited about the topic and not realizing that other people wanted to drop it much sooner. I always kind of assumed it was a-okay to just talk, and it didn't enter my mind that people were bored stiff unless they were not talking to me at all. There wasn't really an emotional component to my interactions back then, so it didn't bother me quite the way it does now...

Knowing that people don't care makes it a lot less fun to share. I might as well be writing in a journal or talking to a wall if I go off like that, so I tend to talk a lot less in general.

"Nobody listens" is usually how I feel when it's my problems. It's all about shutting you up, assuming things about your situations, turning the topic back on themselves, or escaping having to deal with something as tiring as someone else's unhappiness. I hate being used as a simple venting receptacle, too, but sometimes it seems extreme.

Last edited by downbutnotout on 31 Aug 2014, 5:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I know how you feel; I know that most people don't give a damn about what I have to say.

Analysing is antithetical to the enjoyment of things like sports and TV. They are very in-the-moment sorts of things, the whole point is to lose oneself somewhat in the activity and not think too much, so your question was possibly killing the enjoyment of the conversation, or maybe your dad just saw that as your intention.

Sports... a bad topic to encroach on. There is a lot of conversation that exists over all the attributes of the games, but it is taboo to directly question the games.
I have seen some some NT commentaries that have written about how sports have become unquestionable in today's society and that very important discussion about the nature of sports in our society and in our civilizations are dismissed offhand.