Do I Have Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective?

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I am starting to think it has nothing to do with anything at all and that I cannot define myself by their terms. I believe if I had schizophrenia I would have had it in childhood. I believe if I had schizophrenia I would meet the criteria and I have never met their criteria by my own terms or definitions.

I feel bullied by the psychiatric system because I called and complained of withdrawal but I can't make an appointment.

I'm scared that there's something wrong with me because I'm not having symptoms of schizophrenia at all. I'm looking for symptoms, obsessing over having symptoms, but not actually experiencing symptoms. I've become a hypochondriac and I can't stop obsessing about what they would look like if I had them. If I am in denial that is because I have not observed any reason to embrace a diagnosis that defines me as someone with a chemical imbalance.

Meanwhile my mother is the sole justification for why I believed in the past I might be crazy, because she is. Her mind is gone.
I'm frightened because I don't know what to do and I'm afraid I could slip, and the more I think about slipping the more I try to hold back. I'm very frustrated. I am not hearing voices. I am not seeing things. I am having withdrawal from medication.

I am not sure if I will ever be able to handle it. I want to move out so that I can escape this place. I'm hurting so much emotionally from within that I can't handle the thought of ever being put on medication again. I can't stand the thought of losing my emotions, which I never had. I am scared to be the beacon of their failures. I hate what I lost and I love what I gained, but I've been ruined.

All I have is faith.

Don't worry, because insanity is a relative thing. Literally. A crazy belief doesn't "count" as delusional if it's a belief held by one's own culture.

This means insanity is culturally defined. . . But it also means that when people are crazy en masse, we call it culture. Let that sink in. THAT is crazy

The whole concept of sanity vs insanity doesn't tie into reality very well. It's a relative term with nothing holding it down.

Here, watch this TED.com playlist on the topic of mental health: http://www.ted.com/playlists/175/the_struggle_of_mental_health

The first two and last two talks focus on depression, but the three in the middle are first hand accounts of intelligent and successful people who experienced the fall into clinical insanity.

If you are not hallucinating, or delusional, it is likely you are neither Schizoaffective or Schizophrenic. One of those two things have to be happening for you to be diagnosed as such.